AIBU to think people should say what they fucking mean?

[LashesandLipstick]

Inspired by threads in which I was told asking a question is rude because "people feel awkward saying no" and "if the person wants to, offer to do it yourself and if they want to they'll tell you not to and offer instead"

AIBU to think people shouldn't play these stupid games? Just say what you mean for Christs sake. I'm sure an adult can take you politely saying no to a request. All this does is cause confusion and create weird social norms that make no sense and confuse the hell out of people who aren't neurotypical or who are foreign.

Stop it.

Anon it's not about accommodating me it's about making sense. even if it's been done that way for a while, if a better way exists why not use it

Harsh and unfair sounds like you're offended to me

Friend says to me 'Romanoff would you like to come to dinner on Tuesday night'

Me 'oohh lovely, don't forget I can't eat rice, is that a problem for you?'

Friend says 'ah yes forgot that..I was going to do a tagine'

I say 'fair enough I will bring xyz, does that help?'

It's not that difficult

Pyjamas but thinking its a bit unfair doesn't equal being offended does it? I can have an opinion but respect the persons right to say no. Why is that hard to understand.

Also why this fear that someone will think negatively? In all honesty do you really give a shit?

Ahh it is a TAAT.... MO on that other thread was that the dude asking for fricking boiled chicken breast or whatever it was, was being a twat and should be made to bring his dinner in some tupperware! So unreasonable and demanding!

Anon - well explained!

Pyjamas no. If I'm offended I will literally say "I am offended".

Romanoff

Don't get why people are finding that hard

Of course I give a shit what my friends and family think of me

I don't want them to think badly of me nor do they want me to think badly of them. Hence all these social conventions.

Well
Obviously romanoff example
Is find. Totally different to what happened on that thread thiugh

Anon it's not about accommodating me it's about making sense. even if it's been done that way for a while, if a better way exists why not use it

But lots of other people are telling you that your way doesn't work for them. Instead of accepting that you are stamping your foot and insisting that everyone does it your way because your way is "a better way" - not for everyone else it isn't!

And it is entirely about accommodating you. In your situation someone - who is already going out of their way to make an effort - either has to make even more of an effort that they may not want to make or has to be judged as unfair and a bit harsh, simply so that you can have the best possible chance of getting what you want. How is that a better way for them? Or for that matter for the other guests who then have to sit in an uncomfortable atmosphere with a knackered cook? The only person that this is "better" for is you, because you have a stronger likelihood of getting your own way

Pyjamas that's where we differ then, I wouldn't really care because I would hope they know me well enough to not get personally offended at a no, and if they do, then they're obviously not worth my time anyway.

But these conventions do not have any logic.

Lashes, part of the problem is that you are failing to address the apparent inconsistencies in your statements when other posters raise them.

I'm not without sympathy, btw. I work with the Deaf community and sign language users have the reputation of being very direct - they get the rep for calling a spade a fucking shovel. None of this hedging business that you get with English language speakers.

Anon but the only reason it doesn't work is "convention" which when analysed is illogical, culturally variable and out dated. So that's not a good reason

Pumpkin I think that's more to do with the way I write than anything, I write very bluntly and forget not everyone interprets it the way I do

Aghhhhhh! I can't cope with this anymore. Clearly I cannot communicate properly. I am out.

I genuinely struggle to tell lies, it's got me in to a ton of trouble over my lifetime

If I feel the person questioning me is trying to "get at" something via a circuitous route, ie, weasling a reply/revelation out of me, I would have no difficulty being equally evasive/lying.

If they asked me a direct question, I would find it difficult - to the point of impossible - to lie.

A loooong time ago, I was taught the "assertive no" as a means of balancing your needs vs the other person's needs

1. I can hear that X is important to you
2. But I'm unable to help you on this occasion
3. This is because Y
4. However, what I can do is Z

I've found it quite useful over the years

Home that's brilliant

Anon but the only reason it doesn't work is "convention" which when analysed is illogical, culturally variable and out dated. So that's not a good reason

In your opinion. Not in other people's opinions.

I'm really not sure why I'm bothering with this to be honest. You've made it clear that you really don't care whether you put someone trying to do a good turn under pressure to take on extra work just to give you your own way. And that if they have a problem with that, it's their problem and not yours.

If I asked you to dinner and you asked me to prepare a whole new dish for you, I would think you incredibly rude and selfish. Having said that I would probably agree to do it and would take on the extra work that you have demanded of me (even though it would inconvenience me) so that you did not feel I was "a bit harsh" and "unfair" and so that you did not cause an atmosphere which would ruin the occasion for other guests. I would also never invite you again. If that's not what you want to happen when your friends invite you to dinner then may I suggest that instead of analysing the supposed rights and wrongs of it, you take on the extra work yourself, rather than feel entitled to ask someone else to do it for you, and simply say "I'm sorry, I'm a really picky eater. Do you mind if I bring my own meal?" If you choose not to do that, then understand that you may well cause additional work, stress and inconvenience for someone who was trying to do something nice and that you may well be excluded in the future.

Pyjamasllamas you can communicate just fine. The OP just isn't taking any notice because if she does it reduces the chances of her getting her own way. And that's what's most important after all.

Anon it's never been an issue because my friends aren't offended by a simple question.

I wouldn't want someone to feel uncomfortable but if they're uncomfortable with a question they probably shouldn't take on a role where they are organising something!

That's incredibly passive aggressive by the way, I hope you'd at least have the common decency to tell the person WHY you wouldn't invite them again. Otherwise that's incredibly nasty.

Anon it is not about getting my own way. Its about something being illogical.

You're disingenuous op and there was no reason to start this thread as the other one was making exactly the same points.

I refuse to engage any further with your attention seeking faux surprised shit.

I hope you'd at least have the common decency to tell the person WHY you wouldn't invite them again. Otherwise that's incredibly nasty.

Why? They've been an arse. They're an adult and presumably know they're being an arse. No one owes arses an explanation.

People have tried explaining to you why your attitude is alienating, but you refuse to listen and insist you are right. Yoy know you're right and everyone else is wrong. Why would someone explaining face to face why you're not welcome in their house be any better? You'd presumably tell them they were wrong, and even if you didn't, you'd learn nothing from it. Why should they bother?