AIBU to think people should say what they fucking mean?

[LashesandLipstick]

Inspired by threads in which I was told asking a question is rude because "people feel awkward saying no" and "if the person wants to, offer to do it yourself and if they want to they'll tell you not to and offer instead"

AIBU to think people shouldn't play these stupid games? Just say what you mean for Christs sake. I'm sure an adult can take you politely saying no to a request. All this does is cause confusion and create weird social norms that make no sense and confuse the hell out of people who aren't neurotypical or who are foreign.

Stop it.

I agree about favour asking though. That is always a bit of a dance. If you are the 'asker' you don't want to be rejected or seen as rude.
If you're being asked a favour you can't just say no because you're also afraid of being seen as rude and a 'bitch'
That's hard

Pyjamas I say okay and go to the local shop and buy myself some snacks. Problem solved.

It sounds like this might be an ask versus guess culture thing.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser

lashes I agree with you to a certain extent.

A lot of my 'friends' will post PA statements on Facebook, strategically ignore people who've upset them, will make out that they're fine when really you've pissed them off.

If I'm upset I cry, if I'm angry I'll shout, and if it's your fault you'll know about it.

Yet somehow, I'm the one with the social communication problem?

But having said that, it is like speaking different languages (NT/ASD people communicating). I was thinking earlier about Paddington (the film) and there's a part where Paddington says his name in bear language (ie a growl), Mr Brown tries to repeat it and Paddington says 'that is VERY rude'.

Mr Brown didn't mean to be rude, he didn't know he was being rude, he was simply trying to copy Paddington, but he got the intonation or whatever wrong and Paddington heard it as rude. If they both spoke the same language there wouldn't have been a problem, but they don't.

People who 'say it like it is' are invariably rude and lacking empathy

I have an acquaintance who describes herself as forthright. We were talking about childcare and I was saying that I felt a bit nervous about putting pfb into nursery but I was probably worrying about nothing. She then launched into her spiel about how awful nurseries are an how she would never do that to her child. When she saw I was a bit upset her response was 'what? I'm just saying it like it is'

Oh ffs I disagree with lashes on the wohm thread. I also work, but we can we drop it now.

Different thread, let's move past it

Morris, I don't see how asking questions about sketching I genuinely don't understand is passive aggressive.

Also if you have issues with my comments on another thread, address it there. Don't stalk me around the forum please.

Oh come one sometimes people just want reassurance and support and they dress it up in these faux questions. It's just a part of social interactions

Something

Oh ffs this has been addressed in the other thread so many times!

Yes communication is for a reason but we are not all grunting and waving sticks at each other as societal norms dictate behaviour. And one of these norms is that women should say yes to be polite when we would rather say no.

l went into more detail on the other thread but I can't really be bothered to repeat my point as you're determined to not understand.

Pyjamas, a part that makes no sense and should be scrapped because it's pointless and confusing!

I'm really getting the impression OP that you're one of those people who keeps asking inappropriate questions & won't take the hint when people start to look embarrassed & become evasive.

Just because you do things a certain way, it doesn't give you the right to trample over the rest of societies conventions.

You probably think your brashness is part of your charm, I'm willing to bet that your friends don't think so OP now goes off and puts them on the spot by asking them

Ahhhhhh.....this is about me! And the exact issue in question is whether it is reasonable to ask a host to cook you an entirely different meal to the one they are already cooking.

I'm sorry Lashes but I'm sticking to my guns on this one. To me it is rude to ask someone who is already offering to do you a favour to go even further out of their way for you. The person clearly wants to be kind (or they wouldn't be offering to cook for you in the first place) asking them to go that extra mile for you can be putting them in a difficult position. I get that you don't get that, but do you need to get it?

I have friends who don't like people wearing shoes in their houses - I don't get why but because I know they do - I now offer to take my shoes off when I enter people's houses. I don't have to understand why to extend some courtesy.

DoJo why is it unworkable? Why can't people stop seeing a "no" as rude or taking it personally?

Because sometimes it is rude and personal! Someone I know asked me to do them a favour and I said that I couldn't because I was busy, when the truth was that I don't like her and don't want to spend time away from my family (who I do like) to spend it with her (who I don't). That was the only reason I didn't want to do it, but telling her that would have made it incredibly awkward to see her at the numerous events where I will have to rub along with her in the future. So I used a societal convention and lied, which was better for both of us.

These 'games' aren't borne out of nowhere - they evolve because people appreciate the need to get on with one another and white lies. Being absolutely honest all the time simply isn't feasible.

Crohnically I agree it's like an entirely different language. I find it ironic apparently non NTs have the issues when we're usually extremely straight forward! To me seems we are the ones that make sense lol

For someone that keeps banging on about communication, you're shit at understanding.

Why ask a question if you won't try to listen or comprehend the answer? You're just wasting time...

Exactly. When people invite opinions from friends (about trivial things) they are not expecting a verbal slap down. That's what friendships are about aren't they...to make you feel good happy etc. You're not going to be friends with someone who says 'good good alicia that skirt is the fugliest thing I've ever seen. You look atrocious'

Of course I'm talking about trivial things. Obviously real friendship is also about being honest when you she concerns about your friend

Anon you were the last person to say it but several people had said it before, so it's not just about you, I don't want you to feel singled out or anything

You don't have to rude to say it like it is.

Does me arse look fat in this?

Well it looks a bit bigger than normal, maybe it's the cut of the jeans?

Why do people ask for opinions when they don't want them? People who usually do that are emotional vampires.

Some of my jeans make my arse look bigger, I know this. I have a mirror. I still like the jeans I don't need friends to lie to me to go out in them. And what if you do lie and said friend notices her arse looks bigger and gets upset that you didn't tell her?

Iknowwhat and I'm willing to bet you're someone who can't speak their mind in real life but has no qualms doing it from behind the keyboard

I've already said it and you haven't really responded but like iknow above I really don't understand why you're asking this question when you refuse to try and understand what everyone is trying to explain to you.

Stop saying you don't get it

Pumpkin well then that's continent fishing, which is just irritating!

No not necessarily, the person is not asking if they have the best/smallest/great arse, just seeking reassurance that their arse isn't massive.

Me and my friends prefer honesty. We aren't there to fulfil some gap in our ego. Maybe it's just us.

Romanoff yes! Also people are forgetting THEIR opinion counts - if your friend thinks your arse looks big but you like the jeans, wear them!

If I asked someone "does this suit me" and it looked ugly I would rather know. I can then decide whether I like it enough to think fuck it or decide to change it..

Pyjamas but the explanations don't make sense when you start to analyse them