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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

896 replies

AddToBasket · 29/06/2015 17:34

Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 29/06/2015 19:41

balletgirl I was about to say the same as Allstoppedup. I'd go, order the cheapest thing possible (starter even or two starters if they'd allow that) and offer it to others. The restaurant are being arsy, though, and it's stupid of them as they lose your son's custom with this approach. I've been to many a restaurant and just had a drink/starter/garlic bread, for financial reasons, and they've never taken any notice.

Redglitter · 29/06/2015 19:41

balletgirl Could you ask if they could do you a European dish? They're bound to have them on their menu if not the one for that night. Seems unfair they're being unflexible.

Allstoppedup · 29/06/2015 19:42

Oh poo. Never mind! Sad

It must be difficult when you genuinely can't stomach the thought of eating anything on offer. I can appreciate it would have felt a little awkward though!

ilovesooty · 29/06/2015 19:42

Lashes I really don't think you're capable of taking on board the issue that people are presenting here.

I can think of more fulfilling discussions than a constant head/desk/repeat quite frankly.

StatisticallyChallenged · 29/06/2015 19:42

I don't think it is always reasonable to ask tbh. A lot of people would not feel comfortable saying no - the OP is at the stage of saying "no, I can't manage it" because she has a pretty darned good excuse. But there's a lot of people who wouldn't and who would possibly end up replanning the whole meal or squeezing it in because they felt they had to say yes to be polite. And would then be pissed off and irritated and feeling put out.

If I was going to, for example, MIL's for a small family meal and she said she wanted to do salmon (my nemesis) then I might say "can I chuck a chicken breast in?". But she has a 5 oven aga and I'm close enough to her that I would just be helping her in the kitchen anyway. But in a situation like this where it's a big hosted meal with loads of options then I wouldn't ask. There's nuances of when it's suitable and not, IME.

CrohnicallyAspie · 29/06/2015 19:42

lashes I mean this is the nicest possible way, but you might just have to accept that the others are right and asking is rude. It's an NT social convention. You don't have to fully understand it, but I think this is why-

NT people don't seem to like to say no. They interpret a 'can you...' question as being a statement in disguise (ie I would like you to...). Mainly because they tend to word statements as questions, they assume that you are doing it too. For example, in a cafe you don't say 'get me a coffee' you say 'can I have a coffee?' you don't expect the answer to be 'no'! And particularly when hosting an event, they worry that saying 'no' will offend you.

Perhaps you could rephrase in future, something along the lines of 'I'm afraid I can't eat (whatever they're making) could you cook me... or is it ok if I bring my own?' that way you're making it clear that saying 'no I can't cook it' is perfectly valid. And you're not running the risk of offending someone by offering to take your own food from the start as someone else said, it implies their cooking isn't good enough!

TendonQueen · 29/06/2015 19:42

Just seen your last Ballet - then maybe ask the school if you can go if someone drops out? It wouldn't matter what they'd ordered since you won't be eating it anyway.. Wink

CardinalRed · 29/06/2015 19:43

Why is your co host agreeing to this elaborate party if their partner hates it all? If my husband didn't like the food I wouldn't cook it.

Because OP and co-host are members of a group with a particular interest, which the food is designed around. The partner is not a member of the group and wont eat anything on offer.

It's a mystery why he's insisting not only on coming but on having OP cook a special bland dish for him.

Surely you must go out separately from your DH on occasion and eat things he doesn't like?

RainbowFlutterby · 29/06/2015 19:44

Love the way Lashes has no tolerance for people who have self esteem issues and struggle to say no to people while expecting others to have tolerance for people with food issues.

ethelb · 29/06/2015 19:45

My issue isn't with the asking, it is with the sneering, judgemental attitude to people who say no.

DJThreeDog · 29/06/2015 19:46

Why is everyone banging on about sensory issues etc?

Not denying that some people have issues around food, be it texture or whatever.

This dude clearly doesn't. He is clearly making a fuss and his partner panders to that. Otherwise I expect the co-host would have said?!

Of course it is rude to ask someone to cook something separate to the 13 course already being prepared - don't know about you but I wouldn't be able to fit a lone chicken breast in an oven already being used for other things how ridiculous to suggest it!

OP YANBU. I would tell your co-host you don't have enough room or time so he will have to bring his own food or deal with the menu. I don't think that's unreasonable, and he should have suggested it anyway.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/06/2015 19:47

lashes, you keep saying it would be ok for the OP to say no to preparing a piece of plain chicken. And yet you posted this up thread:

It's a simple request, can you cook something plain yes or no. If the OP says no I would think that's unfair

So you're not actually ok with the answer "no", are you?

CrystalCove · 29/06/2015 19:50

i wonder why some people find it hard to understand not everyone likes the same foods as they do - I don't call that fussy, just having likes and dislikes.

honeyroar · 29/06/2015 19:51

Give him a box of cereal!

StatisticallyChallenged · 29/06/2015 19:51

TBH we've no idea if this guy does or doesn't have sensory issues. You could have sensory issues but have no desire to put other out, or have sensory issues and be a demanding PITA! Or anywhere in between.

ilovesooty · 29/06/2015 19:55

Thank you Statistically and Chronically

Hopefully you'll be clearer than I appeared to be.

Weebirdie · 29/06/2015 19:55

He sounds like an attention seeking twat and as someone who loves to cook and accommodate peoples needs I would be saying, 'sorry no can do'.

The remark about the Mac and Cheese was obnoxious brat territory and if he'd said it to me he'd never be invited back.

Oh and I do have a child with severe sensory/food issues and its because of him that I wont tolerate chancers.

YouTheCat · 29/06/2015 19:55

Lashes, any issues aside, this man has form for being really rude about food specially prepared for him in the past. I don't think that would make me want to accommodate his needs even if it was possible (and it doesn't sound like it is). So he needs to bring his own food or not come. His choice.

Whatever his issues around food are, they are his issues to deal with not the OP's.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 29/06/2015 19:57

Pick up a mac d or KFC. Give him that?

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 19:58

Crohnically I usually do say "can you cook x, if not I'll bring my own, I'm awkward with food". I guess I get sick of NT social norms (which don't make ANY sense - if I was demanding it I wouldn't do it sneakily) dictating everything.

I've had people moan at me bringing my own food before so I really feel you can't win with this. I just get annoyed when I feel people automatically assume anyone who's fussy is doing it to be awkward, trust me I'd love to be better with food!

midnightvelvetPart2 · 29/06/2015 19:59

I think part of it is that, speaking as a white British woman, I've been raised in this society that considers it rude for women to say no. Not just to food but generally.

I would find it difficult to say no to this guest but there's no way I would want to cook something extra for him, I'd probably end up doing so though due to graceless people who think it's OK to ask you to go out of your way for them, knowing that social convention demands you say yes.

DinosaursRoar · 29/06/2015 19:59

The fussy partner should not have accepted the invite, it is to a themed night for people who are all 'fans' of the theme, they are not going to enter into the spirit of it, so shouldn't go.

In a restaurant, it's ok to say "I'd like that cooked X way./and can you swap the Y side for Z? /Can I have the sauce in a pot on the side?" etc but in someone's home, it's "yes please" or "no thank you" to what they are offering.

If you want to control the menu, you host, do the cooking, cover the expense and do all the hard work.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 29/06/2015 19:59

I might get shot for this, but would it be fair to say that for some posters not seeing why this is seen as rude by so many of us, and saying they have ASD related food issues themselves and would happily/without embarrassment, put their hosts on the spot and ask about preparing something different just for them, and tough if the host is not strong enough to say 'no'....well, might their ASD be part of their problem here, ie a bit blinkered/an inability to relate to how others would feel?

Weebirdie · 29/06/2015 20:00

Pumpkin your son is missing an chance to go out for dinner with his classmates and he cant go because you aren't allowed to not order food? Seriously?

How about going and ordering and not eating so your son can go on the night out with his mates. Im sure someone at the table would eat yours up and it wont go to waste.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/06/2015 20:00

YANBU.

As a guest, I think the most polite way of tackling it would be to say "I'm sorry but I can't eat anything that's on the menu. Would you mind if I brought a plain chicken breast with me to plate up?". If the host wants to cook you a plain chicken breast then they can. I do think it's odd of him to want to go to a food based event. I also think his partner should work out and facilitate a solution that doesn't inconvenience OP, and that means not passing over any of the tasks.

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