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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

896 replies

AddToBasket · 29/06/2015 17:34

Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 29/06/2015 19:30

I don't think this point is getting through to you Lashes

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 19:31

Ballet we should just shut ourselves away like the "adult babies" we are

CardinalRed · 29/06/2015 19:31

but the oven is already on, how much space would a chicken take up really?

That really is unreasonable. There are thirteen courses on offer here. DO you know the size of OP's kitchen and oven?

I have two ovens and at big meals I can assure you all the shelves are being used.

It is really condescending to say that it isn't going to be any effort for her (when it clearly is) rather than expecting the fusspot to cook his boring chicken breast to his exact specifications. Or better still, stay at home and enjoy his own company, because he sounds like a terrible dinner guest.

Sallystyle · 29/06/2015 19:31

Great, another bash fussy eaters thread.

Because it is such fun being a fussy eater you know! I am not a fucking adult baby, I just have food issues.

If I was coming to your meal I would pick out the watercress, if other salad had been touching the chicken it would be a no go though. Otherwise I would just make do with whatever sides I can eat. If that was still a problem for the host I would bring my own food.

ilovesooty · 29/06/2015 19:31

So do you take this concept of everybody being able to say no to other situations Lashes?

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 19:32

Sooty your point is that they might feel embarrassed. I'm saying no one should feel embarrassed for speaking their mind, and it's not someone's fault if they ask a question and the host lies

paxtecum · 29/06/2015 19:32

Is op really serving 13 courses?

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 19:33

Yes sooty. I get a bit narked when people don't speak plainly, but that's partly down to me finding subtle hints co fusing

Pumpkinpositive · 29/06/2015 19:33

Am already feeling awful that ds can't go to the Year 6 Leavers meal (At a Chinese restaurant) because of me. He's not allowed to go without a parent & the restaurant won't allow me to go & not order.

There are some seriously unpleasant comments on this thread. I'm pretty rhino skinned and even I felt a bit reading them.

Chinese restaurants often serve European dishes. Have you asked to see the menu in advance to check whether they have anything that would suit? Would they even let you order just a plate of chips?

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 19:34

Cardinal this man sounds terrible because he had the audacity to check if his dietary needs could be met? Wow.

StatisticallyChallenged · 29/06/2015 19:34

It's not so much about being embarrassed - I don't see the need to inconvenience hosts. I have a very different approach to, for example, the adjustments I'd ask an individual to make for me compared to what I would ask of my workplace. I try to be reasonable. We went for a meal at DH's aunt's - I knew the food wouldn't be to my taste and I'd struggle to eat, but I also knew that they'd be preparing food for 12 or so people with a small single oven. I wouldn't have even contemplated requesting anything else in that situation - it wouldn't have been reasonable.

Just because I didn't choose my condition doesn't mean it's fair for me to make it everyone else's problem.

Panzee · 29/06/2015 19:35

Why is your co host agreeing to this elaborate party if their partner hates it all? If my husband didn't like the food I wouldn't cook it.

CardinalRed · 29/06/2015 19:35

oven is already on - but probably no space
chicken breast requires no effort - of course it does. Perhaps OP is using a whole chicken, and therefore has to buy a special piece for the one person. And it still has to be prepared, put in a dish, timings watched etc.
OP already making chicken - that is making the huge presumption she is just bunging a chicken in the oven. She might be marinading it. Poaching it in a special broth/liquor etc

ilovesooty · 29/06/2015 19:35

Lashes I asked something else. You chose not to answer it.

The notion that people who can't say no to something should be wholly responsible doesn't sit very well with me. No responsibility to be taken by people who are exhibiting lack of empathy, poor manners or social bullying then?

ethelb · 29/06/2015 19:35

Checking is fine, the expectation that he will be accomodated at a complex event is not.

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 19:36

Statistically I understand but asking is surely okay? They can always say no.

balletgirlmum · 29/06/2015 19:36

The menu has been sent to everyone. They don't serve chips, it looks like quite a posh "authentic" Chinese restaurant.

ilovesooty · 29/06/2015 19:37

They can always say no

Here we go again.

ethelb · 29/06/2015 19:37

Balletgirl can you just order drinks?

scarletforya · 29/06/2015 19:37

Just ignore him. If the co-host wants to enable him let her. It's not your problem.

Allstoppedup · 29/06/2015 19:37

Balletgirlmum Not a criticism at all but if you were happy to go and not order/eat could you not just order the cheapest thing on the menu and just not eat it allowing your son to go? At Chinese you could probably even share it out amongst other diners and ask them to cover the cost if paying for something you weren't going to eat bothered you? (Really don't mean it in a nasty way, just offering a solution to your problem?)

ethelb · 29/06/2015 19:38

Sooty, I know, Lashes really isn't grasping it. When she/he has repeatedly stated that they don't think saying no to this request is ok.

CardinalRed · 29/06/2015 19:39

Cardinal this man sounds terrible because he had the audacity to check if his dietary needs could be met? Wow.

No, of course not. You will recall (I hope) how he has form for being rude and refusing food specially prepared for him, at his behest. That is what is rude.

However, in this instance you are assuming dietary needs with no evidence of any.

And it is rude to ask that a person cooking 13 courses cook an additional course just for you when you know that the whole point of the meal involves things you aren't going to eat.

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 19:39

Sooty define lack of manners. Providing the person isn't being insulting j fail to see how asking a question is lack of manners.

Someone CAN be being rude of course but that doesn't mean the other person can't/shouldn't say no. I mean if someone's being bullied that's horrible but if the victim doesn't say they're uncomfortable then they should say something as sometimes people don't know.

balletgirlmum · 29/06/2015 19:40

It's too late now as we had to confirm by last Monday.

I suppose I couod have ordered something & wasted it. Would have been very awkward but maybe I should have thought of That

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