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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

896 replies

AddToBasket · 29/06/2015 17:34

Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 29/06/2015 20:00

yes, thats what I would do too birdie.

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 20:02

Even is he doesn't have sensory issues, people aren't usually awkward about food without a reason. The hatred directed at fussy eaters is horrible - trust me, we already feel shit for it

Weebirdie · 29/06/2015 20:02

Phantom, yes, your spot on.

Pumpkinpositive · 29/06/2015 20:02

Pumpkin your son is missing an chance to go out for dinner with his classmates and he cant go because you aren't allowed to not order food? Seriously?

Think you're confusing me with another poster. I have no human sons. Only parrots. And they hoover up anything and everything. Grin

Weebirdie · 29/06/2015 20:03

sorry phantom, that was in reply to your tin hat post.

Weebirdie · 29/06/2015 20:04

Pumpkin, my apologies.

But seriously you've trained your parrots to be hoovers?

They have right you know!

itsonlysubterfuge · 29/06/2015 20:05

As a picky eater myself, I find that the host/hostess has always wanted to cater to my needs. I would personally either politely refuse food, or not attend. If you refuse the food I find it offends the host and then they feel like they are being a bad host.

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 20:06

Phantom yeah there's a chance that the fact I genuinely don't see it as rude could be down to the ASD in general. We do generally have a more direct communication style that some NTs are uncomfortable with

ltk · 29/06/2015 20:06

If someone invites you over for a meal with a few friends, then asking for them to accomodate your vegan/veggie/5:2/lactose free/allergic/sensory or whatever other issues is perfectly fine. They have asked you over because they like you and should be prepared to accomodate you.
But looking at the complex menu for a special event, deciding you do not like what's on offer, and asking a hassled host cooking 5 mains to do you something special is RUDE. I am veggie, and if dh's friend was doing a huge meatfest, I would bring my own soya burger or politely decline. The event is all about complex food. If you don't like that, don't go.

midnightvelvetPart2 · 29/06/2015 20:06

Just out of curiosity, if you did happen to be a 12th century peasant whose only food was pottage 3 times a day then what the hell did you do if you had sensory issues around lumpy food say, would you starve or do the issues disappear if you're starving, in the true sense of the word?

DinosaursRoar · 29/06/2015 20:06

oh and the "the host can just say no" - well yes they can, but on the other hand, many of us have been brought up to believe it's terribly important to be a good host, so would find it hard to say no, even if the request causes lots of hassle. It's hard to say 'no' without feeling bad that you've been a terrible host, so as a guest you shouldn't put people in that situation.

Forcing someone into the situation of being rude to you or being put to a lot of hassle is bad behaviour.

Flashbangandgone · 29/06/2015 20:09

Serious question... When does 'sensory issues' become an excuse for being fussy. Maybe I've been living with my head in the sand all my life but until I read this thread I had no idea 'sensory issues' with food that did involve allergies even existed as a real condition!! How do the symptoms differ from those associated with allergic reactions?

Perhaps this is unreasonable, but I'm inclined to think if someone's cooked you something, you eat it unless it will actually make you vomit, or you know you will have an allergic reaction... A 'nasty taste' in the mouth never killed anyone. I only eat half the food I eat today because my parents always made me eat at least a mouthful of food I 'didn't like' as a kid. I acquired tastes and have a much richer eating experience as a result. However, I think I may be just uninformed about this.

YouTheCat · 29/06/2015 20:09

Midnight, I believe the only issue a 12th century peasant would have had with food would be 'not enough'. Grin

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 20:10

Can someone explain to me the "can't say no" thing? I genuinely don't get this.

Disclaimer, I have ADHD and mild ASD so I'm not trying to be awkward I just really struggle with people not saying what they mean!

Momagain1 · 29/06/2015 20:10

Then again, you are cooking chicken to make to chicken salad, so it isnt like she has suggested something totally unrelated. Just set a piece of chicken to one side wrapped in foil, and toss it in the oven when other stuff is rewarming.

Also, i have cooked medieval food, regularly, for such gatherings. Before moving here, though havent found a group to join near me. Can I come play? I will reheat the damned chicken breast so you dont have to.

Pumpkinpositive · 29/06/2015 20:10

Just out of curiosity, if you did happen to be a 12th century peasant whose only food was pottage 3 times a day then what the hell did you do if you had sensory issues around lumpy food say, would you starve or do the issues disappear if you're starving, in the true sense of the word?

Is this a variation on the there are no "big boned" people in sub saharan Africa theme?

After a mere 12 pages too.

elspethmcgillicuddy · 29/06/2015 20:11

I hear you Flashbang. I have never heard of sensory issues with food before (out of the context of ASD). Just on mumsnet?

CheshireSplat · 29/06/2015 20:12

YANBU. Blimey! I'd suggest to my co-host that there really isn't much point in this guest coming. Surely, as TheCat said, he can pick out the watercress.

DinosaursRoar · 29/06/2015 20:12

oh Phantom - I think you have made a very good point.

CrohnicallyAspie · 29/06/2015 20:12

flash as I (and others) said earlier, sensory issues around food can and do make people vomit. Other reactions could include feeling a burning sensation as if you'd eaten a hot curry, but in response to something mild like black pepper. I'm not sure if a taste/smell could induce a meltdown in someone with ASD, but it's conceivable seeing as meltdowns are a response to over stimulation of the senses.

Weebirdie · 29/06/2015 20:13

Phantom yeah there's a chance that the fact I genuinely don't see it as rude could be down to the ASD in general. We do generally have a more direct communication style that some NTs are uncomfortable with

Yes but I think in this situation impaired empathy would be more relevant to the situation.

theendoftheendoftheend · 29/06/2015 20:13

Can't you just put a shop bought ready cooked chicken breast, plain salad and roll on a plate? Would take about 30 secs I can't see the problem really. Or give him the salad you're already preparing without the watercress? Would be a bit shit for him and his DP to expect him to miss a party his DP is co-hosting because you have issues with his issues.

5Foot5 · 29/06/2015 20:14

balletgirlmum Could you not just order a meal and then not eat it?

Lashes You say you get narked when people don't speak plainly but I am getting the impression that what you consider plain might well be considered rude by many people.

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 20:14

Flash most of us WILL involuntarily throw up if we eat something that we can't stand. It's not about taste either usually it's the texture. It feels to me like nails down a blackboard sounds, I dunno if that's a good explsination

MasterchefIwish · 29/06/2015 20:14

Is the DP of the fussy eater not aware of his food issues? Why on earth, pre-deciding what food to cook, did he not check whether his DP could eat anything? I am not saying the OP should cater specifically for this man but if I was doing 4+ dishes with a friend then I would check if I knew my DP was fussy and have tried to coordinate in advance with the OP.

It would be rude if he demanded such food, it depends on how you were asked- if it is asked or 'told' as well. What lashes asked earlier, 'could I bring my own one' is fine. The food should already be cooked though since the OP and her friend will already be busy but reheating chicken isn't as time consuming.

OP YANBU, the DP should cook in advance and bring over in foil. I do not understand why the DP did not fathom this happening in advance and do the simplest thing of checking well in advance? At least then you would know earlier and could amend if you wanted and if you did not you would not have it sprung on you close to doing.