Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

[AddToBasket]

Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

It's a dinner party... I'd exclude anyone who refused to eat my food

Cutting people off, deciding that it's OK, ignoring their potential upset....that's assertiveness?? I think it sounds, well, rude. I'm mot condoning an 'always hold your hand up before you speak' as the default attitude, nor am I denying that robust discussion among friends isn't fun, but as a deliberate strategy? Am I missing a nuance here?

Nasty behaviour?

I'm hosting a party with two key features: theme and food.

You are telling me I'm nasty to cater for my friends with a choice of 13 dishes (now 14, have added a honey, dill and cucumber salad). I have said I would have worked around any specific intolerances or clear instruction.e.g. veganism. In fact, there are three vegan dishes and two additional vegetarian ones. Plus bread.

This isn't nasty. It's actually pretty thoughtful. You seem desperate to put me in the wrong but can't seem to absorb the role that 'Theme' and 'Food' are playing in the evening.

Add I'll reply to this in length later but you just seem really annoyed he won't eat your food and so determined to force him to conform to your norms, or else exclude him. Nasty behaviour

He's not been excluded. He's been invited to a certain type of event. If he doesn't wish to participate in that sort of event, it's up to him - but it's not up to him to demand the host alter the type of event she has planned to suit his preferences.

OP doesn't want to cater separately to him, but is not preventing his participation if he wishes to provide his own.

It's not an ordinary dinner - it's a special event with certain parameters. If those parameters don't work for any particular guest, they are not required to attend.

Maid it's an acceptable request ignoring ethical stuff, but it's perfectly acceptable for you to say 'no I'm too busy just bring your own food'

So it's acceptable for a (potential) guest invited to a Vegetarian Dinner to request steak be cooked for him/her? You don't see that as a bit if a 'Fuck you and your vegetarian nonsense'? I disagree.

This is a different scenario to a theoretical time where we might agree to go to dinner and weigh up the options. At that point, I'd expect my suggestion of a veggie restaurant to be met with someone saying 'Sod that, I want a steak'. That is fine.

This is an invitation (not a summons) to a specific event. If the event doesn't suit, don't go. This is not a group of people deciding the event by committee.

If you are spending a lot of time and money preparing a meal for a group who share a common interest and then the partner of one of the group declares he won't eat a single item from 15 courses, it is hard to see how you would not be annoyed at such a rude and ungracious attitude, especially when no offer of providing his food is made.
This man is not part of the group, he was invited as a courtesy to his partner. He is choosing to raise problems without suggesting solutions.
He is not being excluded - he is deliberately excluding himself. He has the power to offer a solution, but is choosing not to do so. He is determined to force OP to conform to his norms and is showing truly nasty behaviour.
To suggest he's being excluded is not true. He is isolating himself not because of his issues with food but because of his general attitude. Going by his past form he would not add to the party, but detract from it.

It is like a guest demanding a vegetarian host cook meat for them.
Sounds like his real problem is extreme self centredness, combined with being A rude twat.

Add - I've asked you and you haven't said, how do you know this guy doesn't have any food problems? Personally my friends being happy and comfortable goes above theme and food - would one man eating his own food really bother you?

Jassy I think she's said he's not go bring his own food, or at least that's the impression I'm getting as she hasn't said that's okay?

Maid no I wouldn't see it like that, I wouldn't see it as casting any negative on the vegetarian dinner - just a guest asking if they can have an option that fits. But I think this demonstrates how differently people who are NT and people who are ND can see things!

This man isn't her friend. So it's not relevant what you would do for your friends because OP is pissed off with the wY he has behaved in the past and the way he's begaving now.

Nobody has a problem with this guys food issues - it is the way he expects others to cater especially for him, ignoring the extra pressure and stress this creates. If he'd offered to bring an additional course which he like and which everyone could share, then that would have been the polite thing to do.

Very few vegetarians would consider cooking meat for guests and would be quite pissed off at the suggestion. It isn't about casting aspersions, it's about wilfully ignoring what being a vegetarian means and thinking your wants take precedence.

If somebody offers you hospitality, the polite thing to do is to take what is offered or to decline graciously. Not tell your host what to do.

Cardinal but his partner is. So if she wants her friend to be comfortable, she will indirectly want this man to be. My DP has ADHD as well as I do and if anyone deliberately dug their heels in at a reasonable request to make an event easier for him, they'd soon find themselves no friend of mine.

So why can't she suggest he bring his own food? Just because he hasn't suggested it doesn't mean he's being rude - you're assuming he is, when there are other reasons someone might behave this way which have already been discussed.

The vegetarian thing we explicitly said take the ethical point out of it so I'm not sure how relevant that is.

In your opinion. I'd be mortified if a friend missed an event because they were too worried about the food.

Fussyarse's partner is the co host... Why the hell is she / he landing this on op to deal with?

I'd be mortified if a friend missed an event because they were too worried about the food.

Would you be equally mortified if a friend missed an evening out at a Thai restaurant because they did not like Thai food and therefore decided to give it a miss?

Lashes - I'm allergic to shellfish. Last week, some of my friends invited me out to try a new shellfish restaurant. I said "thanks, but I'm allergic. Another time!"

The end. I'm not upset, they got to enjoy the food they wanted to try, everyone is happy.

What would have been terrible is if I had made them feel they couldn't go because I couldn't. And that's what you're suggesting.

My DP has ADHD as well as I do and if anyone deliberately dug their heels in at a reasonable request to make an event easier for him, they'd soon find themselves no friend of mine.

But that is so nasty!!!

This thread has descended into severe silliness.

Issues with ASD and eating problems have derailed the thread far away from the original scenario presented by Addtobasket OP I think it's fair to say YANBU

Quint I'd be upset if they just said they weren't coming. Usually when going out, my friends will go to restaurants I don't like, I'll still come but just won't eat anything and we stop somewhere else on the way back for me. I'd be upset they thought me inconsiderate enough that I wouldn't try to cater for them

Oddfodd there's a difference between not going out of fear you'd get ill. If you had sensory issues with fish, surely you could still go, not eat anything, and eat afterwards?

An invite is an invite, not a summons. Friends dont have to do everything together in the same group all the time. Maybe my views on friendships and groups are more fluid than yours, Lashes?

Usually when going out, my friends will go to restaurants I don't like, I'll still come but just won't eat anything and we stop somewhere else on the way back for me

Or just, you know, curl up in front of the TV with a film, a bottle of vino and a plain chicken breast food you like?

ChronicallyAspie said

Take interrupting as an example. First I need to be aware that my interrupting is a problem. Then I need to either consciously learn through observing and trial and error, or be told that 'when someone is speaking you wait for them to finish'. Now, how do I know when they have finished? When they've finished their sentence? But they might have something else to say after. When they pause for breath? Ditto. Maybe there's some sort of eye signal, facial expression, or gesture that indicates it's the next person's turn to speak. If that's the case, I'm screwed because I can't read any of that. So I'll go for waiting for them to pause for breath, at least that way my words won't overlap theirs. Except by the time I recognise that they have paused for breath and managed to actually speak (remember I need a slightly longer processing time), someone else comes and jumps in the gap and now I've interrupted them. So how should I have recognised that they wanted to speak? We're back to non verbal communication again. Maybe I'll do better with a one-to-one conversation? At least now I won't speak over someone. Except I know what I want to say, and prepare it, and by the time I spot a gap the person has moved on and what I say doesn't follow at all!

This is so well explained!

I visualise the interrupting/interjecting/contributing thing like Hungry Hipppos, lunging forward with mouths open and closing

Sorry, apologies for my last post, it was thoughtless. Obviously, if you don't eat a variety of foods, there would be a lot of missed nights out.

No of course I wouldn't go! I really wouldn't enjoy it and it would make everyone else feel really uncomfortable.

Maid, it's fine I didn't take offence

Oddfodd really?! Why would it make everyone else uncomfortable? When I'm eating a meal I enjoy I'm not even looking at what anyone else is eating

The OP has not said anywhere that this guest, her co-host's partner, may not bring his own food to eat, that was not what she was asked. The request presented to her was that SHE cook the partner a 'plain' chicken breast, at the same time as preparing an amazing feast for a very special themed evening for their like-minded group of friends. An evening which is to be ALL ABOUT the unusual food. This is not only weird, but also somewhat controlling, and, of course, very rude. YANBU. and you know what to do, OP .

YANBU. I have read the entire mammoth thread, and I am firmly on the side of telling your co-host that it is up to him to sort out his partner's meal (or to suggest gently that perhaps he might not want to attend this particular event). Asking you to prepare an extra dish, in addition to the elaborate feast you are making (which sounds delicious, by the way) is breathtakingly rude. You are well within your rights to decline to cook anything extra for him IMO.

OTOH, I wouldn't have a problem with the guest bringing his own plain chicken even if it doesn't exactly fit the theme. As long as he doesn't spend the evening moaning about being unable (or unwilling) to eat anything else or disparaging the food on offer, I would leave him to it.

I'm certainly not unsympathetic to people with genuine limitations in terms of diet, but IME in those cases people tend to be very well aware of how to handle social situations revolving around food. I can't imagine that many people would have the nerve to impose on the host for reasons of sheer fussiness (which, admittedly, I have very little patience for).

CrohnicallyAspie I understand the difficulties you outline re: interrupting, conversational rules etc. I'd say that in the situation you outline, there is at least one other person not following the 'rules' - the speaker (and possibly others involved in the conversation). I think it's important when gabbing away to look at your group, be aware of who might be waiting to contribute, shut up at appropriate moments and bring others in. You shouldn't have to pick a moment to Go Go Go - others should be versed in when to Stop Look Engage, which would help you enormously.