Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

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Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

yourlittledog people with AS will struggle a hell of lot to learn these 'rules'.
It's not just about social situations and having to learn the rules. IT's about catching the subtles clues that tell you how to behave, then you need to decide which rule applies (another major hurdle) and then you need to do it 'the right way'.
If it was as easy as 'learning rules from a book' they would be excellent at it!

In reality, they will be trying and still failing. Does it mean they are obnoxious? I don't think so.

Solid I would absolutely go because I don't believe I should be shut away due to my disability. I personally would have asked if plain food could be made (and probably offended the OP judging by people's responses!) or if I could bring my own. That is it, no more would be said about it, I don't see why it would ruin the meal..

I would go out of my way to cook for someone who has a disability, in fact having a son with a diagnosis of classic Kanners autism amongst other things means Im very aware of sensory issues. However, the bloke who were originally discussing appears to be nothing more than fussy and for that reason I wouldn't be making him anything extra if I was doing a meal the size of the one being served.

This thread is enthralling...

Yes because for me it indicates how everything must be down to autism when its perfectly possible for someone just to be an arse.

In fact I get pissed off with maybe its autism hijacking so bloody much here at MN.

StatisticallyChallenged - Disablist? The world has gone mad, if even a special interest private food event should have to adhere to all the dietary requirements in the world, so as not to be "discriminating" against a disabled person.
I think you are nitpicking and being pedantic just to make a point. Taking what I say out from the context of the thread and turn it "disablist" is bordering on the ridiculous.

The Lashes person reminds me of that, er, entrenched in their position poster on the "sharing tables" thread who was so adamant that it was acceptable to hog a whole table in a cafe (or indeed someone else's reserved seat in a train) when people were standing around with a tray because they might have a whole myriad of issues.

Oops!

The Lashes person

What an awful way to refer to another poster.

I think that's what I'm getting at Weebirdie.

I wouldn't want to make an extra effort for someone who is an arse. Mainly because actually accomodating someone with AS is hard enough. Knowing when it's AS or when they are just a pita is hard even when you know them well.
I don't want to be taken for granted on the top of it!

So, those of you who say that all needs should be accommodated so as not to leave anybody out, if you were invited as a Plus One to a special food event where the theme was authentic food from Viking Age Norway, or Food of the 1st Century Egyptian Empire, would you peruse the menu and say "actually, I cant eat any of that, would you mind change the menu to accommodate me?"

Equally, if your dh was invited to do the 3 peaks challenge (Snowdon, Scaffell Pyke, Be Nevis) with a group of fellow mountaineers, would you say "actually, thats not my cup of tea, can we do 3 days hike in Surrey Hills instead so I can take part?"

Or would you think, this event is not for me, I rather stay at home with a good book and let dh enjoy his hobby on this occasion?

Same for not telling people when they've annoyed you, excluding people without telling them why, that sort of thing

I'd agree these two are PA. And actually FWIW, it is something I've found frustrating and at times unpleasant upon resettling in the UK! Having got used to the direct and more assertive style of my host country, I found it energy consuming, tedious and at times unnecessarily snippy that some people would rather make a show of being very accommodating, whilst in fact nursing grievances. I'm sure I put my foot in it more than once whilst readjusting back to UK life. However that said, I do accept that that is part and parcel of the culture here and I observe the 'rules' as I've no interest in pissing anyone off... And I also get them. I appreciate that for someone with ASD it might prove a minefield, and hopefully people would be accommodating towards such an individual. However to go back to the original OP I stand by my original response - the guy sounds like a twat and IS putting the OP in an awkward position.!

Well illustrated Quintshhhhh!

Quint

I wouldn't ask the whole menu to be changed. I'd say "I have issues with food, is there any way you could cook something plain? If not I can't bring my own food"

I still get to go and join in, everyone else gets to eat what they want, no one is left out

Mountain climbing isn't really a social occasion like a meal, so not comparable. If I'd organised a trek and someone's partner had mobility issues and asked if we could go somewhere flatter/shorter/with better access, I'd be happy to try and help - because that's better than the alternative, a disabled person being left out yet again.

And,

What was your country? I'm curious about cultures that are less reserved!

I find it very time consuming, confusing, pointless and sometimes downright mean. It IS a minefield - it's reay difficult to know what some people really mean

Mamanofthree no, definitely if someone just found it was beyond them to navigate such nuances they have my sympathy and I hope that others would try to take that into account.

Mountain climbing isn't really a social occasion like a meal

I think it is, and is perfectly comparable to this meal, which is the manifestation of a hobby/special interest.

The alternative is also to never do that trek because said person with mobility issue is always present.
Which isn't fair, nor on you, nor on the other particpanst of the trek, nor the person with mobility issue (as you are in effect making that person solely responsible for the group not doing the trek).

The solution as usual would be to meet in the middle. Do some outings that are manageable for the person with mobility problem and some wo her.

Eg I have ME and can't do long walks. I would be most upset if my dcs and DH were never going to do any long walks so I can always join in. Even if the reason I don't join is because of my own 'SN'/illness. It is impossible to make ALL activities accessible to ALL people.

Maid, groups regularly go for meals. Only special groups regularly go mountain climbing and I don't think partners usually come snyway

"I have issues with food, is there any way you could cook something plain?

I can't imagine having the brass neck to ask this, TBH. Not even at a small dinner between a few friends, and certainly not at an event with a deliberately large and complex menu. It's not a fucking restaurant.

Lashes

Don't want to out myself, but think NL, Germany, Poland sort of lines.

I'd say "I have issues with food, is there any way you could cook something plain? If not I can't bring my own food"

I would suggest rewording to:

"I have issues with food, shall I bring my own?" and wait for any offer from the host to provide a special meal. If the offer doesn't materialise, bring your own. Sorted.

"Is there any way...." makes it sound like you think "no" is unacceptable because the host isn't prepared to find that "any way" to provide for you.

"The Lashes Person"??? Jesus you are talking about a poster who has been open here about her own issues, that's horrific. And you do realise that Lashes is here on this thread and can read that, nasty.

Maman, I do agree you can't make all activities accessible. But I think if it's a group of friends having a meal and by allowing a small change, bringing own food, you make it accessible, then no one misses out and the meal is made friendly to those with SN

My issue is when people CAN make it accessible but don't rather than activities you can't make accessible

Only, that is your issue then. I don't mean that disrespectfully - just like my food issues are MINE, your reluctance to ask doesn't mean no one else should.

Maid, I find that strange because it's almost as if I'm baiting them? Whereas my one is more open and gives them an easy way out "I'd feel too stressed cooking something extra so if you're cool with bringing food that's great"

Crystal I thought it was a bit rude as well, oh well!

Yes but bringing your own is different from asking someone to cook something else. Bollocks is it 'a small change', not when the event and the menu is specialised and large like the OP's.

And ultimately, if someone offers you hospitality it's just plain rude to throw it back in their face by asking if they can cook you something special.

Maid, groups regularly go for meals. Only special groups regularly go mountain climbing and I don't think partners usually come snyway

Friendship groups regularly have meals together and in those groups, everyone should (and will) be provided for at any reasonable opportunity. That doesn't mean they necessarily attend every meal. I sometimes miss out when my friends go to Brazilian BBQ type places, because I don't eat meat. Sure, I could pick over the token salad bar such restaurants provide but it's usually woeful and I elect not to join them. I don't feel excluded.

Special interest groups will have special interest meals that provide for their special interest.

If some of those members of the special interest group are also a friendship group (likely), they may have more relaxed meals at other times that do not involve their special interest.

This meal is part of their special interest. They are eating according to their hobby. Just like mountain climbers climb mountains according to their hobby.