Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

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Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

YANBU. I hate fussy adult eaters. He needs to grow the fuck up.

'Take it or leave it or don't come' would be my response.

A very easy read even for those who are 'just' interested in whats being discussed here from the point of view of those on the spectrum.

www.amazon.co.uk/Cant-Eat-Wont-Difficulties-Disorders/dp/1853029742

If you have food issues, then occasions which are all about elaborate, complicated food are not for you. Go dancing with your friends when you want to see them; go for a walk, see a band or maybe have a picnic where you all bring your own meals. For people who enjoy food and can eat pretty much anything, having to put up with some catsbumface pushing food around the plate or insisting on having special dishes prepared and stressing out the host can spoil the event for everyone else. Planning a dinner party or a meal out becomes 'all about the whinyarse' every time, and it can be very tiresome. Most of all when it's someone's partner who isn't even part of the group.

I'm repeating SolidGoldBrass's post because it bears not just repeating but printing out and/or circulated to the entire population. I can't swim. I wouldn't go to a pool party and then moan that there should be a special floating island on which I could beach myself.

Very educational thread.
I admit I couldn't get my head round sensory issues with food until a poster on here described the sensation of certain foods in her mouth as like fingernails down a blackboard. So I understand how difficult that can make things.

That said, I think in the OP's case, it actually isn't her problem at all.
There is no point in her trying to work out if the partner can't eat / won't eat / is a fusspot.
Her co-host should be totally aware of what his partner's issues are- it's up to him and his partner to sort out what is appropriate, be that partner brings his own food, or an acceptable microwave meal, or pushing uneaten food round their plate. Or staying at home.

I love socialising with my OH, but if that involved spending an evening dissecting Arsenal's latest match with in depth analysis of the off-side rule, I'd rather stay at home. I certainly wouldn't go and expect them to spend half an hour chatting about tennis to keep me happy if the whole point of the evening was Football

It us acceptable not to like certain foods without being labelled fussy!!! I have no idea if this man is unreasonable or not but some of the attitudes to what is being labelled fussy or picky eaters is shocking here.

It's interesting how some posters are determined to push their own agenda/issues despite being repeatedly informed the guy is just an arse.

In RL not everything is due to ishoos, in RL it's perfectly easy for people to be twats/unlikable without having a deep seated reason for it....

I think most of us are aware of the fact that some people are just difficult, but the reality is that in many cases it is not possible to know what is driving food fussyness. I also find it rude and dismissive that on a thread with many posters with real life diagnosable conditions you chose to refer to them as "ishoos".

Sod the fussy eaters, OP pretty please can we see the menu??

Seriously though, the man is being unreasonable. As others have said the whole point of the evening is about the food, so presumably the conversation will be about the meal and trying different things. If you knew this and still wanted to go, you should just ask for the bits you can eat or bring your own.

I'm not going to go rock climbing with a group of friends and expect them to all stay at the bottom with me because I don't like climbing. Same thing really.

And -expecting to be flamed- I guess nobody chooses to be fussy or have sensory issues. Being a fussy eater for whatever reason is not your fault. But it isn't anyone else's fault either. If you know that finding food to suit your needs is a pain in the arse for you and you've had x years practice at it, imagine what it's like for somebody else who isn't familiar with your needs? People aren't psychic so if you do require certain foods you need to explain that to your hosts and work with them to help you, rather than just demanding a separate meal.

I should point out that I've got nothing against fussy eaters, allergies, sensory issues etc. I just think that turning up to such an elaborate dinner party knowing how much time and effort the host is going to and expecting another meal cooked just for you is downright rude.

I can be picky about stuff (I hate mayonnaise and raw onions, and the idea of rhubarb ice cream makes me feel quite ill) but... you just have small portions and pick/nibble at stuff (discreetly). There are ways of dealing with pickiness that don't involve behaving like an adult toddler.

He should be eating the bits he does like, politely and discreetly, not behaving like a toddler. He can always get some chips on the way home.

He might well be a complete nightmare but Im not sure based on the OPs posts where he is behaving like a "toddler". Has he reacted badly for example to OP stating she is not prepared to make a plain chicken breast - I cant see anywhere OP says how he has reacted? I dont think asking is unreasonable but sitting at dinner causing a huge fuss would be.

Let his DP your co host sort him out. She must be used to the issue by now so to her its probably no big thing and you sound like its a lot to manage with all the choices you are providing already.

Thats a bit like me being invited to a paella event and telling the host that I dont eat seafood and can they please not include any on this occasion, ie just substitute seafood with pepperoni, chicken and paneer.

He is rude and ill mannered.

Can you not just microwave some plain chickenslices from Waitrose and bung on a plate for him?

Go back to your co-host and give him the problem back.

You will not alter the menu and it's up to him if he attends or brings his own packed lunch or microwave meal, but bear in mind that it will NOT be responsibility of yours to heat that meal.

Has the co host OH actually said anything here or has this all come form the co host? Whichever it is, they as a couple are being unreasonable, it is their problem and with such a complex menu, they need to sort out the requirements of the fussy eater.

Saying all that, I sick to death of reading comments about being childish, suck it up, grow up, fussy eaters are all such a pain in the arse. No they are not. People like the co host OH are, when it is demanded that the menu be changed for them, most others get on quietly and actually hate the fact that they are unable to join in and hate any attention drawn to the fact they don't eat everything on their plate. Are mortified that their host may feel them to be rude, ungrateful or worse that there cooking wasn't any good.

Would you prefer that people do suck it up then vomit all over your tale?

He might well be a complete nightmare but Im not sure based on the OPs posts where he is behaving like a "toddler".

The OP posted this upthread:

I've cooked macaroni cheese for this guy before and he took one mouthful and said 'yeah, not really my thing'

Don't know about you, but I think that's pretty childish behaviour, not to mention extremely rude.

I don't mind the kind of fussy eater who gets on quietly, but unfortunately IME of fussy eaters they have all tended to be of the ilk who let the whole table/room know what they don't like and why they don't like it and exactly how horrible it is, and how much they'd prefer to eat x instead of what's been served.

I've also never known or known of someone who hated something so much as to vomit all over the table.

In this case, seeing as it's a dinner where the type and range of food is very much the point, I think the fussy eater would be doing everyone a favour if he simply didn't come. It sounds like a lot of effort and time has already gone into paying him attention.

That is rude certainly Suburban Rhonda but Im still not sure about the situation re this themed night and what this person is going to eat as it doesnt look as if OP has spoken to this person.

And Spade you are absolutely right, most people I know in real life might not like certain things but certainly dont want to draw attention to themselves.

I think the co-host is even ruder tbh.
I mean here is someone who us going to cook this fantastic and complicated meal, whose partner has some issues with foods and he is asking someone else to cook so ething different for him?!?
Why on earth he is not cooking the b* chicken himself? Or bring a meal that can be reheated? I mean he knows how to cook do it can be asking gut too much.

I really want to know what is on this menu now! I am quite fussy with meat and fish even though I'm not vegetarian, so a bit more fussy than most adults but I rarely ever dislike the vegetarian option! YANBU, as you've stated he has no allergies or issues he is being daft and I would say he can eat before he comes and just enjoy the atmosphere!

YANBU!!!

He's a twat. As other poster's have said- why's he going? And why isnt his partner dealing with his nonsense?

Tell him to bring a packed lunch.

I font think it is up to OP to speak to the fussy one.
His DP knows the menu and the amount of work required. He also knows what his partner will and will not eat. Given that it's not only unreasonable for co host to even hint that extra work should be involved for one person, but rude to ask, surely it is up to co host to sort out a suitable meal for his partner, making sure that this does not interfere with what are already complicated logistics for a 15 course meal.
A pre cooked chicken breast brought by partner sounds the best option for all concerned. Partner gets exactly what he wants and can't sour the meal by making ungracious comments and no extra pressure is put on OP