Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

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Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

Very true Jeanne. I'm not sure we should be choosing how we respond to people based on "well if you were in then you'd eat whatever so it's a first world problem"

Quite!

If you have food issues, then occasions which are all about elaborate, complicated food are not for you. Go dancing with your friends when you want to see them; go for a walk, see a band or maybe have a picnic where you all bring your own meals. For people who enjoy food and can eat pretty much anything, having to put up with some catsbumface pushing food around the plate or insisting on having special dishes prepared and stressing out the host can spoil the event for everyone else. Planning a dinner party or a meal out becomes 'all about the whinyarse' every time, and it can be very tiresome. Most of all when it's someone's partner who isn't even part of the group.

Hosting is about making your guests feel comfortable

...and being a guest is about accepting the hospitality of your host and not being demanding.

OP YANBU. Given the nature of the event and the extensive menu, it's a major imposition to ask for a special dish (however simple).

For those of you expressing doubts sneering about sensory issues, I can assure you that it's a genuine condition. My nephew has major issues with foods touching other foods and will refuse to eat his meal if he thinks this has happened. It's a PITA for my sister but she accepts that it's not her son's fault and he's not just being fussy.

This thread has been educational... I never knew previously about disabilitating 'sensory issues' with food, but I'm prepared to accept it as a real issue that shouldn't be just dismissed.

However, just because there are some people with genuine issues in this area, doesn't mean that fussiness about food is something we should just accept in everyone..... Any more than I should just accept it if my dp were to lay in bed all day, just because some people with depression cannot do otherwise..... or if my ds shouted abuse at someone just because some people have Turret's! If someone has a genuine issue, they need to communicate this if they can reasonably expect people to accept and understand, in the same way as the individuals with depression and Turrets would in my examples above.

I agree Flash this was new to me too, my son's friend has asd and a lot of complex food issues,which I am very understanding of, what didn't know that there are people that are nt and have sensory food issues, rather than just being fussy. I am always happy to learn something new and try and be more tolerant( not always my forte)

My DH is on the spectrum. I am too, a bit, but less so and very differently, if that makes sense. He does not have food issues, but, Chronically Suburban and Lashes it has been really, really interesting and useful to read how you all depict the angle from which they're experiencing NT social norms. So, thanks

I think I'd go out on a limb and say most people with genuine food sensory issues - as opposed to fussy gits who I agree do exist - probably aren't actually nt. They might have spd or asd or something else entirely but I'd guess that in most cases there will be something. Possibly undiagnosed though!

Sorry, you're not they're.

I'm glad you brought that up Jeanne. In extremis people will eat each other, their own children, grass, twigs, shoe leather, feces, stones. Not things I could eat without gagging normally. Extreme hunger/starvation/thirst will make you eat and drink things you couldn't normally.

Having said that, there are awkward people who piss other people off. I specially made vegan lasagne to accommodate someone and he argued with his GF and stormed out. He just liked drama.

YANBU, and I would be asking my co-host to prepare his partner's meal beforehand and bring it with him. His partner gets fed, they both get to come, and it doesn't inconvenience you.

In general my response to this would depend on how feasible the extra work and space was. If it can't be fitted in then it just can't, end of story!

YANBU, and I would be asking my co-host to prepare his partner's meal beforehand and bring it with him. His partner gets fed, they both get to come, and it doesn't inconvenience you.

In general my response to this would depend on how feasible the extra work and space was. If it can't be fitted in then it just can't, end of story!

I'd be fuming if a guest did this, excluding genuine allergies etc. Seeing as you are going to so much trouble, just get him a microwave meal, it may be safer to ask him to bring his own though

There is no need to be fuming, no need for his partner to cook anything - he is a capable adult!
In the very first instance you just needed to smile brightly and say, in a breezy and friendly tone, that you are sorry that he doesn't want to join in but he must feel free to bring his own.
If he is still expecting to be catered for you just play dense and look bewildered and say 'yes, of course you must bring your own- ours won't suit you'.

Yes I agree Statistically - people with genuine sensory issues aren't definition not NT - they're caused by neurological over/under-responsiveness.

In many situations, my DS passes for NT. He's not.

keatsie, I think you're confusing me with another poster - I don't have sensory issues around food, but I am vegetarian, which some people on MN think automatically qualifies me for "dinner party guest from hell" status

Haha - I have a friend like that Shite. She brought almond milk with her when she came to stay for the weekend and spent ages (rather rudely I thought) telling me how dreadful milk is and how it's full of pus and antibiotics. And then after dinner, demolished a whole tub of Haagen Dazs with her DH - which they'd also brought :o

I have an eating disorder, OCD and ASD (so sensory issues) so needless to say, I have an extremely limited diet and events where I can't control food choices create serious anxiety. I wish it could be different, I wish I didn't have these issues and trust me, I know that people think my diet is 'ridiculous'. But a little understanding goes a long way and there are probably less genuine attention seekers/assholes than you might think.

A lot of people know I have a genuine issue, but I tend not to disclose the ins-and-outs. I find it very difficult to say "I'm diagnosed with xyz so please be understanding when I xyz", although by the way I behave and eat sometimes it's obvious that I'm not NT.

Maybe there aren't people turning down food in refugee camps, but that doesn't mean people with difficulties have "first world problems" nor does it mean we should suck it up, be grown ups and force ourselves into panic attacks/meltdowns/vomiting/so on just because it's not "normal" behaviour. I don't know what I would do if there was a ration or I had to eat fear foods. FWIW, I've been hospitalised and only given a list of three foods I could decline. As a result, meal times lasted the whole day and there was an awful lot of gagging, vomiting and panic attacks and the meals weren't completed. There are certain foods/drinks I'd happily rather die than eat, that I cannot physically touch or even look at (OCD & contamination fears).

Sorry this is long and incoherent, it's just a very difficult topic for me. Maybe your guest is a PITA and has no difficulties - in his situation I would politely decline the invitation. Either way, I'm glad some people now know some people do have genuine difficulties and are not just badly raised adult babies.

oddfodd and shite, that's also like my SIL. Makes a maHOOsive fuss about being totally unable to have any dairy. Has you running around trying to source exactly the right kind of soya milk and margarine before any visit, and asking a million picky questions about whatever you've cooked. Then stuffs her face with cheese and milk chocolate because "oh well I've decided to be a bit naughty"

If it was a genuine allergy or intolerance she wouldn't do that as the consequences would be really bad. (They never are.) Yet by saying that she makes herself the centre of attention and has everyone bending over backwards to make her feel specially catered for.

Pointing out that some people really do do this, it's not to diminish people with real food issues, sensory issues or even just strong dislikes – I can totally respect all of that. But when people do it just to make themselves feel important it is a PITA.

I don't have ASD but I am an emetophobe. I think a lot of my issues stem from memories of being made to eat foods I didn't like at nursery & school (vomiting after being forced to eat cheese pie for example)

Haven't read the whole thread but YANBU - perfectly fine for guest to explain they have issues with certain food types but - especially if the meal is complex or the issue with food difficult - they should offer to bring their own food to help you cope. Then you have the choice of whether to adapt the menu or not, and either way they don't go hungry.

He's attention seeking and trying to mess up his partner's night, that's my opinion. Because you said there is a chicken salad and he could pick out the watercress. Do not do something special for him. He needs to learn to eat his vegetables.

Also, my food difficulties have never given me any advantages or made me feel special and I think any "picky eater" knows how much we're held in disdain.

I remember when I was an older teen I went away with my sixth form for a month. I was quite happily surviving on foods that I was comfortable with, and everyone else in the team was understanding that I had certain needs. Except the trip facilitator, who said my "fussiness" ruined it for everyone, that I was spoilt and if he met my doctor who diagnosed my illnesses he'd call him a bloody idiot and there was no such thing as OCD, that I should just get on with it and eat/behave like everyone else. Lovely

I really don't mean to make this about myself, and I don't mean to take things so personally but I just wish there was more understanding and less "just eat and get on with it" because for every SIL who can't eat dairy but loves Haagen Dasz (and makes it hard for the rest of us) there are plenty more wishing we didn't have to be this way, but having no choice.

Good luck with your dinner party OP, it sounds like great fun. I wouldn't expect you to make a whole new dish just for me, and would probably avoid or bring my own dish that is safe for me but able to share with others.