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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

896 replies

AddToBasket · 29/06/2015 17:34

Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

OP posts:

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:38

Jeanne obviously the host can say no, it's a question. I think it would be unfair if the host said no and said you couldn't bring your own - but if they do one or the other that seems okay

SuburbanRhonda · 29/06/2015 22:43

lashes, it's not the question that's rude.

It's the assumption that someone who is already cooking 13 different dishes would be just fine with cooking another thing because she's "already cooking".

It's a bit like asking a mum looking after five children to look after another two and not understanding why that's an unreasonable request.

oddfodd · 29/06/2015 22:44

It is rude to ask your host who is already cooking 13 different dishes to make something especially for you Lashes. The host is already stressed out with this. She doesn't need any additional stress caused by one individual, whatever the reason for their not wanting to eat the food on the menu. This is an event which is solely about themed food. If you don't like the themed food, don't go. Or eat bread/bring something you will eat if you really want to go. But don't make it the host's problem.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 29/06/2015 22:44

But you said you often don't tell people? And earlier, you actually said it would be 'unfair' if the host said they couldn't cook something plain. You actually said it was 'beyond rude' not to cater for it.

I don't really see how the host can possibly say no in that situation - they know you will be very rude about them if they do, so they are in a no-win situation.

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:46

Suburban I can see that when you write it like that, I wouldn't see that from the question itself

Odd if she says he can bring his own that's fine

HopefulHamster · 29/06/2015 22:46

Lashes, first apologies for singling you out for these Qs, but out of interest, is there a way this meal could exist in the world and not make you feel awkward? You've already said you would need your own plain food - fine, either you or the kindly host would rustle up some plain chicken in this imaginary scenario.

But you've also said you'd feel embarrassed having plain food while everyone else had fancy stuff? So do you want fancy plain food?

Basically, don't we have to admit that sometimes there's just a no-win situation? Ie this meal wasn't created for you (let's say your partner was the co-host), it was created for people with specific interests that mean they would enjoy the meal. From the sounds of it you wouldn't like it with OR without your specific food! And it's unfair to make a hobby group never engage in their hobby+ food.

It's just unfortunate. Sometimes when you have a condition, you just can't do certain things. It's not fair, and overall in life we should try to avoid these situations, but in this specific instance, it's just a meal, isn't it?

MayPolist · 29/06/2015 22:47

Hosting is about making your guests feel comfortable.

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:48

Jeanne I don't tell people the reason why I'm fussy. I do tell them I'm fussy. I said it would be unfair after I'd already said "or let him bring his own". I think either is okay

I'd only get annoyed if they said I couldn't bring food but they wouldn't cook

SuburbanRhonda · 29/06/2015 22:48

As I said, hamster, it's like me never going to a hog roast (as I'm vegetarian).

Not that I'd want to

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:50

Hopeful if I had plain food I'd still go and hope no one said anything about it, in which case I'd forget pretty quickly and I'd have a nice time. I mainly feel awkward when people draw attention to it. At first k feel "please don't say anything!" And if no one does it's fine

CardinalRed · 29/06/2015 22:51

Jeanne I just think it's harsh not to accommodate someone over something simple when the alternative is to exclude someone and make them feel shit

Nobody is being excluded. Nobody.
If he chooses not to come then that is his decision and it is grossly unfair to suggest that it is up to OP.
The alternative is not to demand somebody who is cooking 13 dishes cooks another one.
The alternative is for that person to provide their own food because they will not eat any one of the vast array of food on offer. Which probably makes their host feel shit.
These things work both ways.

bikeandrun · 29/06/2015 22:51

I am being curious here, would someone with sensory food issues actually starve themselves to death in an emergency situation, I loath fatty meat and beetroot but I am sure if I hadn't eaten for say 2 days I would eat mutton and beet stew. It is not being provocative to wonder how people with these issues managed in say ww11 rationing situations or a 17th century harvest failure. I am guessing they would have had to force themselves to eat the grizzly meat or stewed cat, which would probably be unpleasant for anyone and maybe even worse for the person with sensory food issues or maybe they did genuinely starve before others. I am not belittling the condition just interested in a condition I have little knowledge of.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 29/06/2015 22:52

lash, honestly, that isn't what you said.

It may be what you meant, but what you were saying was not that you'd be happy to bring food and work around someone cooking. And I think that is why people felt upset.

Original poster

AddToBasket · 29/06/2015 22:55

Yes, OHs are invited. Although I may not seem that hospitable I really want everyone to have a great night. As it is a bit unusual, I thought it would be fun to have other people along. Frankly, we are a little bit nerdy specialist as a group and I thought more people would just make it a bit more partyish. He's invited for that reason and I adore his partner and I particularly want him (the co-host) to have a great time.

I know other people who would really throw themselves into the occasion but this guy just won't. Pretty annoying.

OP posts:

Heebiejeebie · 29/06/2015 22:56

It's not rude to ask. But it's politer to give them an opt out. 'I'm afraid I have a limited diet, would you be able to keep a plain chicken breast aside, out of the salad, or could I bring one myself?'

Original poster

AddToBasket · 29/06/2015 22:57

Hosting is about making your guests feel comfortable.

And guesting is about not being a twat in someone else's home. I'm trying to find the balance here.

OP posts:

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:59

Heebie to be fair that is usually how I phrase it, the guy could have asked it like that instead of how he did

Jeanne I'm crap at expressing myself through writing so if it came over wrong I apologise

Heebiejeebie · 29/06/2015 23:02

Well we all agree then. Happy days

JeanneDeMontbaston · 29/06/2015 23:03

lash, it's not that I'm trying to have a go at you, it's just that I don't think you realize how you've changed your argument.

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 23:07

Jeanne I haven't changed it I said before it's okay to let him bring his own food. I just think it's unfair to not do either. I also don't think certain things are rude but I accept that some people do

SuburbanRhonda · 29/06/2015 23:10

jeanne

I agree, that's not what lashes said, but I gave up trying to point it out several pages back!

JeanneDeMontbaston · 29/06/2015 23:13

Ok - I feel rude now, but ... you didn't say that. You started out asking how it was hard for someone to cook an extra meal for you. You said:]

'It's a simple request, can you cook something plain yes or no. If the OP says no I would think that's unfair'

StatisticallyChallenged · 29/06/2015 23:18

Bikeandrun, I don't think any of us really know the answer to that. ASD/SPD and associated conditions are still relatively new in terms of recognition - autism as a word has been around for about 100 years but it only really started being identified in the 1940s and that was very early research. It's still undiagnosed in wealthy countries and probably even less so in those countries where starvation/famine are an issue currently (where medical resources are sadly thin on the ground) so I'd be surprised if there is any good research in to how someone with those issues would behave in a starvation situation.

I'm genuinely not convinced that I could eat a banana. I seem to remember last time I did, I vomited.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 29/06/2015 23:21

stat - I don't think it is relevant anyway. We know that desperately hungry people will eat things they know will make them ill, even violently sick. The drive to eat clearly can overcome other things. It doesn't mean those other aversions aren't real.

CardinalRed · 29/06/2015 23:24

Lashes, once again nobody has suggested he shouldn't bring his own food except you.
You are the only persons making this an issue.
Loads of people have said he should bring his own food
So why keep saying "it's unfair" about an issue that does not exist?

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