Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

896 replies

AddToBasket · 29/06/2015 17:34

Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

OP posts:
LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:14

Jeanne I just think it's harsh not to accommodate someone over something simple when the alternative is to exclude someone and make them feel shit

Heebiejeebie · 29/06/2015 22:15

Having sensory issues doesn't give you a free pass into rudeness issues.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/06/2015 22:16

Some people, maybe, lashes.

I've had people tell me - on here more than IRL - that being vegetarian is hypocritical because the dairy industry is also cruel. Gosh, never heard that one before.

But not everyone is like that, so to make a decision not to explain your food issues because some people aren't sympathetic is shooting yourself in the foot. And you're the one who said up thread you think it's unfair if people like you can't be included in this sort of event.

Original poster
AddToBasket · 29/06/2015 22:17

I just think it's harsh not to accommodate someone over something simple when the alternative is to exclude someone and make them feel shit

Isn't that emotional blackmail?

And the food is the star of the show. (Oh, god, I hope!)

OP posts:
LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:17

I think the issue is heebiejeebie a lot of people with sensory issues are on the AS, and so probably don't think they're being rude. I didn't think it was rude to ask, but most NTs here think it is.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 29/06/2015 22:18

Oh, come on!

She is making 13 dishes ... how can she?! A normal oven is already going to be over-stretched.

I do not understand why anyone in that situation couldn't bring their own food - if it is easy for the host, surely is it quite easy for the guest too? I would just bring a nice sandwich or a salad, I think. I don't understand why anyone would feel 'shit' because someone wanted the pleasure of their company but didn't feel able to expand their oven space!

StrangeLookingParasite · 29/06/2015 22:19

Prize for best strawman argument goes to Pumpkinpositive for their post of 22:10:40.

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:19

Suburban I think "I'm fussy/I can't eat certain things" should be enough?

Add, I don't think so. It's relatively simple for you to let him eat something different even if he brings something. But to exclude someone who probably already feels bad about it is just horriblev

SuburbanRhonda · 29/06/2015 22:19

Does the co-host's DP feel like shit?

He sounds pretty thick-skinned from what the OP has said.

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:19

Jeanne if she says he can bring food that's fine

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:20

Suburban usually people with these issues KNOW how everyone else thinks they're stupid/an idiot/an attention seeker. Even if they don't tell anyone they're upset.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/06/2015 22:22

Yes, that sounds fine, lashes.

But if I was your host it would help if you told me what you could eat, though, because otherwise the scope for not getting it right is huge.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/06/2015 22:23

I think everyone else is a bit OTT, lashes.

StatisticallyChallenged · 29/06/2015 22:24

Unfortunately your original post doesn't differentiate in any way - those of us who have these issues spend our lives hearing similar comments. I wasn't diagnosed with autism until well in to adulthood so until a year I was just a "fussy fucker". Don't get me wrong, I know there are people who are just fussy, and use food as a way of making people dance. Or who just only want to eat their favourite foods all the time. This guy sounds like he might well be one of them. But it isn't actually possible to tell which is which and when you state that "we'd struggle to find the gag reflex in refugee camps" on a thread where posters with a diagnosed condition have described exactly that as a symptom, then it's pretty crappy.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 29/06/2015 22:24

Well, I don't see why he can't? The OP has been very clear that he has asked to be cooked for - not that he has asked if he can bring food.

It is fairly clear he sees it as her job to accommodate him - which is very different from you, where you are describing your history of trying to fit in.

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:27

Jeanne maybe he thought as she was already cooking an extra meal that's really plain wouldn't be hard? That's what I thought at first.

Statistically you've said what I wanted to much better than I could

balletgirlmum · 29/06/2015 22:28

If nothing else I've learnt something on this thread.

I'm not autistic (ds is & he doesn't like chines

PHANTOMnamechanger · 29/06/2015 22:28

OP sorry if i've missed it, but did you tell us whether other non hobby doing OHs are invited, or was it just a themed meal for those with this hobby and Difficult One has invited himself, and therefore caused this problem? I cant see, if he was invited all along, how his DP didn't flag up the food issues way back when your banquet planning first started!

Mehitabel6 · 29/06/2015 22:29

I can't see the problem - you just smile at him nicely and say 'no problem, feel free to bring your own food, we won't be offended'.
I have a friend with strange eating habits- e.g. She couldn't eat out in any restaurant but she doesn't make a fuss - she just quietly brings her own.

balletgirlmum · 29/06/2015 22:31

Chinese food either but would eat rice & prawn crackers. He would starve rather than eat certain foods.

But I've realised that the sensory thing makes sense. There are foods I don't overky like but can & will eat (cauliflower, lettuce etc) but foods I can not touch & mustn't touch my food (cheese is my nemesis). Oddly I love bananas but they must be firm not at all soft.

The class meal wS organised by a mum & apparently there were limited places - we only had a few days to reply & send a deposit

JeanneDeMontbaston · 29/06/2015 22:32

Jeanne maybe he thought as she was already cooking an extra meal that's really plain wouldn't be hard?

Confused That's the bit that's rude, surely?!

I cannot imagine being rude enough to think 'aw, you're already cooking ... why not cook something else for me while you're making a special meal'. It's incredible to me.

Clobbered · 29/06/2015 22:33

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but the obvious questions seems to be that it's your co-host's partner who is creating the problem, surely he (the co-host) should be the one to deal with it? Or have I missed something?

LashesandLipstick · 29/06/2015 22:36

Jeanne this is what I mean - people on AS don't see certain things as rude. I personally don't think that's rude, it's a question, host can say yes or no. But many people on here do think it's rude.

HenriettaTurkey · 29/06/2015 22:36

Just been talking to dh about this. He says it sounds amazing and can we come?

JeanneDeMontbaston · 29/06/2015 22:37

Yes, I know - I am familiar with AS. But you didn't start out saying the host could say no. You are changing your argument, I think?

Swipe left for the next trending thread