Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

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Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

Perhaps ballet couldn't be around Chinese food because of smell?

Good lord. Shocked at this thread.

Normal people have what is described as 'sensory issues', don't they? Most people have some food or other that whose texture or taste is revolting. I gag if I have to swallow gristle or well-done meat. But why on earth would you think it's ok to tell everyone else about that during a meal?!

Either you decide it's so much of an issue you prefer not to attend - given the OP is cooking so many different things and clearly can't adapt - or you put up with it, like everyone else.

Suburban should have specified I had already said

Dojo it's not fair that people with food issues be excluded from social events - that would be really unfair. I often ask if they could cook something different OR if I can bring my own.

So thought I didn't need to re type. Totally understand I didn't make it clear

As for feeling stupid sometimes I feel really awkward just eating something plain while everyone else is eating proper food. I don't mind unless people start asking questions like "do you want to try x? It's really nice! Is that ALL you're having?" And so on, then I feel really upset

OP, the man in question sounds like a wazzoxk. I like the idea of giving him a store - bought chicken breast or asking him to bring his own pre-prepared food.

I have ASD and have some associated sensory issues. I always tell people at the start, so they know. If a situation is going to be an issue for me, I let the host/ess know in advance that as much as I might want to attend an event, I would be too uncomfortable to enjoy myself. There is no way I would expect to be catered for, in any sense of the word.

Anyway, your dinner party sounds fab and I am sure everyone will have a great time.

I should have been clearer. He does not have autism or related conditions. He is just fucking fussy.

. I have vertigo, but if invited to go skydiving, I just wouldn't go - simple.... I wouldn't ask the organiser take me to a wind tunnel so I could feel the rushing air on my face anyway.

Jeanne there's a difference between normal sensory issues and sensory issues associated with ASD/ADHD and other conditions.

Croc - that wasn't to you! I wish I was having an enthusiastic MN instead...

Add how do you know whether someone has sensory issues? I had someone tell me I didn't have ASD and ADHD because I "dressed well". So yeah you can't always tell...

Add to basket - no worries! Seriously, your menu sounds fab!

lash - I'm sure there is.

I gag when I taste certain things, and cannot possibly swallow them. They are revolting to me. That sounds the same as you, right?

My point is, my 'normal' sensory issues don't prevent me from finding a way to cope - why is it impossible for someone to be polite to the host in this situation, where obviously she is working very hard.

Lashes, I cannot recall anyone on this thread saying he should not bring his own food.
In fact loads have suggested it. Nowhere has OP said she would have an issue with that.
So why bring it up?
He's offered 13 dishes and has an issue with every single one and wants a special dish cooked for him despite knowing the pressure OP is under. That's not reasonable. In fact it is rude to ask because obviously he is putting extra pressure on her.

There isn't some quasi-medical excuse for this, he is just fussy. There is no need to diagnose him as ASD.

Really, there are picky, childish people when it comes to food and he is one of them.

I'm afraid a lot of the argument against Sucking It Up seems predicated on first world problems that I wouldn't tolerate in my children. I think we'd struggle to find the 'gag reflex' in refugee camps. I might be wrong and you can tell me if I am.

This is really quite offensive. I've posted in support of you throughout this thread, and I'm aware I didn't specifically use the term "gag reflex" but I described in fair detail the impact of ASD related sensory issues on me. Autism isn't imaginary, or a first world issue. Neither is sensory processing disorder.

If course there are just "fussy fuckers" out there too, but on a thread where many people have either outright stated they have a specific diagnosed condition (Lashes, Chronically, me, probably others I've missed), or have described symptoms which are very much in line with it (Pumpkin I'd put you in this box, no offence meant!) then this choice of phrasing is really unpleasant.

I'm afraid my DH is like this (yes has food issues) but he would decline an invite rather than make someones life difficult.

I hate it when people are judgmental of fussy adults though - sometimes there are proper issues.

homemade rhubarb ice cream

If it were possible to dive into the internet and chase you for this I would have done it! It sounds so good.

Honestly, fussy eaters sound like they have been fairly indulged in this.
Compare and contrast with the lives of the children on the poverty thread. How many of them do you think are fussy? My guess would be none.

Jeanne - not necessarily, as well as that I also get upset and can have a panic attack over it. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask but several people do

Add - again HOW do you know? Most people won't be difficult just to be nasty

SC, I am completely on board with autism creating issues in many spheres including food.

In this case, that's irrelevant. And in many, many other cases of fussy eating that's also irrelevant. It's a first world, get-over-it-and-get-some-manners issue. Obviously, I am not talking about vegetarianism or allergies here. I'm talking about those people with the crazy long list of ingredients they don't like, ways of cooking they won't try, disliking all vegetables, and on and on.

I think if someone does have sensory issues and it's going to cause confusion or inconvenience at a dinner party, it's good manners to let the host know.

Otherwise it would be like me not telling the host I'm vegetarian and saying, "No, I don't eat that, no, not that either" and expecting her to guess what my food restrictions were.

I think we'd struggle to find the 'gag reflex' in refugee camps. I might be wrong and you can tell me if I am.

Says the poster with the ultimate first world problem around - a 13 dish Medieval "themed" dinner for her specialist interest chums.

12th century themed dinner parties being a regular feature in the refugee camps across the world, no doubt.

You couldn't make it up.

I was sympathetic to your "dilemma" until this point, OP.

Now I hope you have the dinner party you deserve.

Add I ask again how do you know which of these people have sensory issues? Are you able to look at people and discern their NT status?

Suburban but look at the comments here. That's why I don't tell people, people think I'm just being difficult

Nasty post, pumpkin.

Turn him outside with a bow and arrow and a deer and leave him to it.

lash - so, um, maybe you should consider that this one-off event, which wasn't designed to exclude you, just isn't for you?

I do understand that it is rotten to be excluded from everything. But the OP has made quite clear that isn't the situation here. And personally, if I know I'm likely to have a panic attack at a one-off event, I do stay away, because I know that there is an extent to which even well-meaning people, like the OP, cannot sensibly accommodate me.