Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

[AddToBasket]

Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

I have a DS with sensory processing disorder and the other day we went out to dinner with lots of other people. He could find nothing on the menu he liked so he had some bread. That was fine. He quite often just eats bread if there is nothing on the menu he'll eat.

I wouldn't dream of taking him to a banquet which is all about the food at somebody's house and asking for a special menu. I'd either bring him something or (if he were an adult), he wouldn't come.

Honestly - why would anyone choose to go to an event which is all about eating themed food when they're not going to eat any of it? It's like going to see Shakespeare when the only drama you can tolerate is Eastenders.

It certainly isn't the OP's problem - or shouldn't be.

And I have gone to a meal which was stuffed giant mushrooms, followed by beef stroganoff, followed by banoffee pie. ARGH!

My friend's baby used to mash the nanas up in his hot, sticky little hands, and then apply the result liberally to his dribble smattered face and surrounding items of plastic furniture.

I tried to deep breathe my way through the performance ( "go to your happy place, Pumpkin, go to your happy place!" ) but it usually ended with me bolting for the bathroom.

Statistically that's what I don't understand, I don't think I've had that socialisation. That makes sense though as to why so many people are saying they wouldn't say no. I still find that hard to understand in as much as why can't people think for themselves about it?! But I don't think I'll ever understand socialisation fully

I feel awkward about it too. But in a situation like this where you are revealing your food issues, you are already opening yourself up to the awkward questions etc so it might be the lesser of two evils.

I think excessively fussy eaters should either stay home or eat before they arrive.

Four choices of starter, five of mains and four puds, all unusual and complicated sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, and I say that as a competent cook and an experienced dinner party host.

Well no, lashes, you haven't had that socialisation, one of the diagnostic criteria for ASD is that you have an impairment in social interaction.

(Worth noting here, I might be able to pick things apart and analyse them on here, but in RL I tend not to be able to 'get' things in real time, it would be days before I realised that something could be/was considered rude by a NT person)

Crohnically I think you're right about that, it's why I always feel awkward about meals out regardless

I want to be clear that I would and happily do accommodate my guests to a point, but given the menu the OP and her friend have planned, this guest should just get on with it. being offered five options and not liking any of them is ridiculous.

Oh god, yes Phantom!
Could we see the menu? I'm so intrigued!

Agreed Chronically with the not getting it in real time - I frequently go home and replay conversations to DH and have to talk through things before I can understand motives and such like.

I chased that meal around the plate pumpkinpositive, it was awful! Every time the hosts left the room I'd transfer something to DH's plate

this guest should just get on with it. being offered five options and not liking any of them is ridiculous.

How is it "ridiculous"? You could argue that expecting the host to prepare an additional meal for the guest is "ridiculous".

But how is it "ridiculous" to dislike five options on a menu? People can't help how their tastes run.

I'm like this with foods like bananas, avocado, mushroom, tofu, lychee. It's a massive textural issue that makes me gag.

I'm also a hyper sensitive taster which makes bitter foods- coffee, raw cocoa, endive (and yes watercress!) almost impossible to eat.

It doesn't change the fact that this request, from whomever it originates, is rude.

It as balletgirlmum who can't sit in front of some noodles so her son can go to his class meal.

I was sure I'd seen a post from Lashes saying it would be "unfair" for the host to refuse to cook the chicken.

Yes, that was the post I referred to about an hour ago , but to which lashes has not replied.

Suburban I still think it's a bit unfair but the host is within her rights to say no. I don't think she HAS to say yes. If she says he can bring his own food then not unreasonable.

Interestingly I asked some ASD family members this question and they agreed with me, and the other ASD people on the thread said the not saying no is an NT thing, so I really think this might be an issue between ASD and NT. I don't think anyone is deliberate being rude

Ballet mum, I would ask about the meal again. Most restaurants/ groups of people can accommodate an extra couple of people and if your DS wants to go it would be a shame for them to miss it. You just order something and don't eat it. If you don't want to let the hungry hordes eat it, take it home for your DS to eat the next day.

Thanks for the replies. To answer some questions - he can't have the roast chicken pre-salad as the chicken is being cooked for the salad (i.e. can't spare a breast as need to spin it out as ingredient, also it is cooked with a coating of honey. Disaster).

It's my issue because I am the Cook. My co-host is the sous-chef and fellow waiter. He is lovely but has very little experience of hosting anything or cooking much so no concept of issues with the chicken breast request.

I am pretty surprised that a poster has suggested that I take a themed dish off the menu and replace it with chicken. I am having a themed party, and have carefully balanced the meal veg/lamb/chicken/fish.

I'm afraid a lot of the argument against Sucking It Up seems predicated on first world problems that I wouldn't tolerate in my children. I think we'd struggle to find the 'gag reflex' in refugee camps. I might be wrong and you can tell me if I am.

In this case the co-host's partner grew up in care and has not had some of the etiquette stuff that the rest of us would take for granted. I am able to take stroppy teen-like comments at other times. I just don't welcome those comments or the inconvenience when I'll be really pushing the boat out. The party is a big deal for me and I'm devoting a lot of resources to it.

Yes, he is being ridiculous.

I'm afraid a lot of the argument against Sucking It Up seems predicated on first world problems that I wouldn't tolerate in my children. I think we'd struggle to find the 'gag reflex' in refugee camps. I might be wrong and you can tell me if I am.

www.spdfoundation.net/about-sensory-processing-disorder/

www.autism-help.org/behavior-fussy-eaters.htm

www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/adult-SPD-checklist.html

www.scottishautism.org/family-and-professional-support/information-resources/eating/

Whatever your opinions on whether his request is reasonable or not please don't say that these issues are first world problems

You just need to suggest they bring their own food OP.

lashes, I will have to disagree with you about it being unfair for the host not to cook an extra meal - no matter how small or plain it's claimed to be - when she is already cooking 13 dishes and there is no obligation for the co-host's partner to attend.

I can imagine the outrage I would rightly get if I demanded to be catered for as a vegetarian at a hog roast

Thank you for all who have explained 'sensory issues' around food. I can see how it is consistent with ASD, and that it's no more reasonable to ask such a person to 'stop being fussy and just eat it' as it would be to tell some with depression to 'pull themselves together'. However, I'm not convinced all, or indeed most, 'fussy eaters' fall into this category., but anyway....

When faced with going to a meal where the guest knows or suspects the host will prepare something 'inedible' to the guest, my understanding of social etiquette would be for the guest to raise the matter with the host, and either explain that they can't eat a dish or part of a dish, but that no substitute is needed, or that the guest offers to bring their own substitute. If the host feels able, or obligated, to offer a substitute, the host will then offer this. The guest then picks up cues as to whether the host is offering hesitantly or enthusiastically, and either reinforces their offer to abstain or bring a substitute, or accepts the host's offer.... However I can this tends to involve a subtle reading of another person, which I can see would be hard for someone with ASD.

Suburban if she says he can bring his own then that's not unfair. I'm more referring if she says no own food and no special cooking

Add to basket your plan sounds really fun. Rude of your co hosts partner , I second the plan to get a pre cooked chicken breast and serve it on a plate with nothing else. Pass no comment . Honestly he sounds attention seeking. And ballet depriving your son of his class party rather than order a starter and share it / not eat is is actually a bit self centered

That's different from what you posted, lashes:

It's a simple request, can you cook something plain yes or no. If the OP says no I would think that's unfair

But if you're now saying it would be unfair if she said he couldn't bring his own food, that's different.

Though personally, I would feel a right twat sitting at an elaborate medieval-themed dinner party with a piece of plain chicken on my plate and nothing else, but maybe that says more about me and my own insecurities