Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

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Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

But Lashes isn't just arguing that it isn't her concern if the host says no, she is also saying she would argue with their decision and reasons, even if clearly explained them.

Midnight - most DCs didn't make it to 5, one that refused to eat the only food that was available would be one of those who'd not make it.

flashbangandgone - sensory issues are often associated with other conditions, such as autism. Mine aren't exclusively food related, but in terms of food it means I have huge issues with any food which I find slimy. I physically cannot eat them. I used to be worse (possibly because my mother is a rubbish cook who could make anything slimy!) and have gradually as an adult managed to increase my range of foods by preparing things at home where I know I can, if necessary, spit it out. But there are many foods which I can't eat. Smoked salmon is one which I can't eat. I've tried numerous times but I try to chew it and it's like my throat closes up. I can't swallow it. Hard to explain, but a huge issue.

It is different to just not liking something. There are foods which I don't really like but can eat. They have a very different reaction to sensory issue foods.

Can someone explain to me the "can't say no" thing? I genuinely don't get this.

Generally speaking, women are socialised to put everyone else's need/desires before their own and to assert their own needs/wants (ie, "No, I wouldn't stick your plain chicken in the oven") is perceived as selfish/intolerant/difficult/awkward//unwomanly/instransigent.

StatisticallyChallenged, how are you with bananas?

They are my utter Waterloo.

See, I would be concerned that, even if OP were to reserve some of her chicken (assuming it is not marinated etc) or cook a chicken breast just for entitled guest, there is still a real chance that there will be something wrong/unacceptable about it - too warm/too cold/too tough/wrong flavour/not free range/or from aldi not waitrose ...or he would push it around the plate and then sigh 'not really hungry' - despite the fact the host has gone out of her way to be accommodating.

tell ask him to bring a packed lunch, then he will definitely have something he can eat and if not it will not be the OPs responsibility

5foot5 apparently so!

lashes I tried to explain earlier! Maybe I'm missing something as I too am autistic, but to me it's just one of those unwritten rules that NT people pick up 'it's rude to say no without a very good reason'.

But this is one instance where disclosing might be beneficial. If they don't know you have ASD then you are being doubly rude by a)not eating the host's food and b)'putting the host on the spot' (ie asking a question where the polite answer is yes but the host doesn't really want to say yes).
If they know you have ASD then hopefully a) they understand it is your issue not the host's cooking and b) you aren't being rude, you are asking a genuine question that it is permitted to say no to without causing offense!

And, i want to point out. He isnt invited. He is the spouse of a cohost. Just staying home may not be as simple and obvious a solution as it sounds as due to his spouse, he may be obligated to show up. These sorts of events are pretty hands on, having a spouse as unofficial assistant was kind of the norm in such groups I have belonged to, and feeding the help generally considered the right thing to do.

Though if he is going to be sitting out front like a guest, not contributing in the background as I am familiar with, offering more than a re-warmed chicken breast is plenty and I would rewarm it myself/assign the job to a helper rather than let him in the kitchen to do it himself. I am pretty strict that no one comes in the kitchen except listed volunteers, there is never room for anyone who isnt oart of the team, anyone else is underfoot.

Pumpkin, I think Lashes knows that as she has suggested that a 'no' would be intolerant, difficult and awkward, lazy even, and that is why they shouldn't say no.

I used to have big issues about the texture of cheese, amongst other things. I would gag. My diet, as a child and young adult, was so restricted.

I have no idea what happened that made me get over my problems though. I eat most things these days.

Lashes, chronically explained pretty clearly why people will find it difficult to say no to a request like this. Personally I am no pushover (not nearly nice enough for most people) but would not be able to say no to anyone other than close family. Instead would spend ages cooking and sorting and resent it. A request to bring your own stuff would be fine.

But anyway what you said was that you thought that if you had asked and the OP had said no, you'd think she was being unreasonable.

I am beginning to wonder if this man is actually abusive to his partner, or controlling. After all, this is a special event for members of a hobby group - he doesn't participate in the hobby and doesn't like the food, so why does he want to attend in the first place? Is he one of those people who won't let a partner enjoy anything, and has to spoil every social occasion that isn't all about him?

After all, why wouldn't his partner have said, 'Look, Norman, you know how you are about fancy food, why don't you stay at home and microwave yourself a bit of chicken and have a wank watch telly in peace?'

Pumpkin - yes, and there's also the view that being a good host involves making sure people have eaten well/enough.

Pumpkin, I think Lashes knows that as she has suggested that a 'no' would be intolerant, difficult and awkward, lazy even, and that is why they shouldn't say no.

Well, yes, the thought had occured to me as I was sure I'd seen a post from Lashes saying it would be "unfair" for the host to refuse to cook the chicken. But I was giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Solid, I was thinking along the same lines.

SGB - I was thinking the same. I was wondering whether this man was an unexpected guest (would explain why they planned all food that his DP knew he would not eat). Are other 'hobby doers' bringing non-hobby-doer OHs too, or has this one thrown a strop and demanded to be invited and accommodated?

Lashesandlipstick, I think the "can't say no" thing is basically socialisation. People are taught from a young age about what is "polite" and "good manners" and "appropriate behaviour" and "being a good host." A "good host" makes their guests welcome and so many people would feel that it would be bad manners to refuse/to insist on preparing food somebody doesn't like. Women receive more of this socialisation then men in general - which is thought to be part of the reason why we aspie women are so under diagnosed.

To an extent not catering to your guests could be bad mannered - if you know in advance that the only foods someone hates are salmon and mushrooms and you're preparing a meal for a few people, with no specific theme, then it might be mean to do a meal of stuffed mushrooms followed by salmon roulade. But, if someone has a huge list of foods they can't/won't eat then there is a point where you can't cater to them.

On the flip side, if you have a sensory issue which means you cannot abide any spicy food and you receive an invite to an elaborate indian themed meal then it would not be reasonable to ask the host to make you egg and chips when they are super busy. But if you ask them, the host might feel that - in order to be a good host - they have to say yes. All the while being pissed off and having a grump and making mental notes not to invite you again.

YANBU- Tell them to bring their own bloody food!!

Pumpkin I am totally with you on the bananas. They're evil.

And I have gone to a meal which was stuffed giant mushrooms, followed by beef stroganoff, followed by banoffee pie. ARGH!

[and as an aside, I really want to know waht the hobby actually is and what all the courses are]

Pumpkin - yes, and there's also the view that being a good host involves making sure people have eaten well/enough.

Yes, I have every sympathy with that view. I'm closer to the Lashes end of the food intolerance spectrum than the "dig in/everything down the hatch" type posters.

In this case though, this is a themed meal and the OP has her hands full as it is.

The diner in question has shown himself to be spectacularly ungrateful and rude in the past with reference to specially prepared cuisine.

It would not be unreasonable, IMO, for the OP to conclude that even if she worked her fingers to the bone for this bloke, he may very well be equally unapppreciative and rude again.

If anyone is going to cater to this guest's needs, it should be his partner - the co host.

In the absence of this, I think the OP is perfectly entitled to tell him that she is unable to accommodate his needs but that he is welcome to bring his own pre-prepared dinner.

Crohnically I always feel awkward about disclosing because a lot of people aren't aware of ASD and related issues and ask loads of awkward questions, or assume you're lying

YANBU. If he has no allergies/vegetarianism/religious reasons and is just basing this on taste then he IBU. Sounds like a pain in the arse.

And goodbye what's wrong with checking to see if the meat is halal? It's not exactly the same as being fussy, is it?

PHANTOM it is a medieval banquet so I am guessing either some kind of history thing, battle reenactment or LARPing?!