Disowning my older children

[gingerose123]

I would love some feedback. First off I was married for 11 years to a man who was more concerned with his family than with me. I didn't realize how bad until our first year of marriage. We had 2 children 6 years apart. We finally divorced after years of me tolerating he and his family's bullying and abuse of me. He and his family worked pretty hard at alienating my kids from me. Although we had shared custody I never worried too much about it because i was always a good loving mom and figured as adults they would figure out the truth and that would be that. I did not participate by bad-mouthing the ex and his family figuring that would play in my favor later on. Now my kids are 20 and 15. The 20 year old lives with the family who hates me so much. She knows the truth about it all now, but it hasn't changed her mind about her relationship with them. Then my son who is 15 prefers to live with my ex husband. They have a larger family than me (I am alone-no siblings or close family) and my daughter told me she would rather be there because there are more people to do things with. I am so incredibly hurt and in pain as they prefer to be with the other family I am considering disowning them. I just can't take this pain any longer. Am I being unreasonable? Too sensitive?

I think it's interesting that this thread has become very polarised between people supporting the OP and people critical of her. Rather like the very polarised dynamic between the OP and her ex, and now the OP and her children.

I suspect this is a dynamic that somehow turns up a lot in the OP's life. If that's the case, OP, you might want to explore that with your therapist. If s/he is any good tbh they should have picked up on this already, though I would expect that you would find the same dynamic being re-created in your relationship with them as well, ie that they are either for or against you and that there is no middle ground.

It's not victim blaming to notice this, or to notice that it is a common pattern. That is not the same as saying it's the OP's fault, just that it's a pattern she commonly finds herself in. Patterns like that tend to date from life-long experiences, often originating in childhood, and are so pervasive as to be invisible to the individual stuck in them.

OP, IMO the root of your difficulty is not whether your children choose you or your ex, but your expectation that things be polarised like that at all. Work on this with your therapist, please - it is your best chance of having a continued happy relationship with your children as they become adults.

I suspect that most of the polarisation on this thread comes from the fact that it's in AIBU which is where people congregate to deliver a kicking.

OP you will get better advice and support in Relationships.

Pretty much every AIBU thread I have read has got frankly pretty unreasonable and bun-fight-esk!

I am not sure we can draw from the OP's life any strong ideas based on how other people chose to relate to her in an annonymous post. I would say that says far more about the other posters than the OP!

Clearly the OP knows she has some issues or should we would not be here asking about disowning her own children. Even the phrase 'disown' is horrible because it suggests children are a kind of possession. But I think the OP is really hurting and she wants some support. And people should be supportive even if they do not agree with everything and even if they feel the need to point out some things that may be painful truths. No one can really know what went on except the OP, her ex partner, his family and the children. So we are only really able to have, as someone else has said, a snapshop.

OP I really hope you will make some progress. I am sure you are, but please do explore how your older children feel about your younger children etc.

Bless you.

Op, some genuine advice. Detach, don't disown. When they come over, open the door, welcome them. But don't chase them. They're not alienated in the truest sense as they continue to engage with you. This is a point you must cling to. I know how much you hurt, but find a way to live your life, get out and do things, but keep the door open to them.

My stepdaughter is completely alienated from dh. She's now 18 and stopped all contact 4 years ago. It's been hard watching the man i love try to come to terms with that. He continues to send her cards and remind her that he's here if and when she wants him back in his life. It goes against his instinct, but he's had to draw a line under it and detach for his own sanity. If she ever comes back, she cannot pretend that he abandoned her.

To 'disown' your dc will do irreparable damage. To detach from them leaves prospects for the future.

Good luck.

Very wise LittleLionMansMummy. I do hope your dh and step daughter will find a way in the future. Teenage years are so hard. It must be awful for him. But he is lucky to have you and your support.

I haven't read every post, but want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I think what you're struggling with is that you've been terribly mistreated by your ex husband and his family for years and your older children, to whom you are devoted, are so insensitive to how hurtful they are being by not only not acknowledging this mistreatment, but actually prefer to live with them over you and have this attitude of who cares how they treat you as long as they get treated well. I think there are some inlaws who like to cause trouble even to the point of divorce, and then they shower the children with attention, at the same time continuing to alienate and mistreat their mother/ex in order to further isolate the ex from her own children as well as the now ex spouse. I don't know if this is the case but it sounds like it may be.

I can see why you are upset. It is hard to know how to handle this awful situation. I will think on this, meanwhile maybe others will have some good advice. Bless you and hang in there.