Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disowning my older children

156 replies

gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 19:19

I would love some feedback. First off I was married for 11 years to a man who was more concerned with his family than with me. I didn't realize how bad until our first year of marriage. We had 2 children 6 years apart. We finally divorced after years of me tolerating he and his family's bullying and abuse of me. He and his family worked pretty hard at alienating my kids from me. Although we had shared custody I never worried too much about it because i was always a good loving mom and figured as adults they would figure out the truth and that would be that. I did not participate by bad-mouthing the ex and his family figuring that would play in my favor later on. Now my kids are 20 and 15. The 20 year old lives with the family who hates me so much. She knows the truth about it all now, but it hasn't changed her mind about her relationship with them. Then my son who is 15 prefers to live with my ex husband. They have a larger family than me (I am alone-no siblings or close family) and my daughter told me she would rather be there because there are more people to do things with. I am so incredibly hurt and in pain as they prefer to be with the other family I am considering disowning them. I just can't take this pain any longer. Am I being unreasonable? Too sensitive?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/06/2015 19:59

I think your dc are not rejecting you, quite the opposite - they are secure in your love for them and are still dancing to Daddy's tune (and his family) as they're not ready to stand up to him and his manipulation.

formerbabe · 27/06/2015 20:04

However when the divorce happened (he was 5) he was a complete jerk to me because he blamed me for taking his dad away

I think you are expecting far too much from a young child in this situation and being very unfair. He was 5! He couldn't look at the situation with objective adult eyes.

lougle · 27/06/2015 20:04

I'm sure you did all of that because you love him, but it was your job as a parent. Confused

gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 20:09

Please try not to focus too harshly to the fact I described my 5 year old as a complete jerk. Even children can be jerks and he was. I'm sure I was a jerk at 5 too. There are a lot of people who understand this and someone even wrote a book on it called "toddlers are a-holes" do we REALLY think toddlers are a-holes? No, but one could certainly perceive this as such when you look at their behavior sometimes.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 27/06/2015 20:09

calling a child a jerk wow. Lots of children lash out when their parents separate, doesn't make them jerks.

It was never your exes responsibility to let you know what was happening the school that was your job.

You flipped out cos he changed his mind? Flipped out how exactly?

Do you ever talk about the ex with the children?

NorahDentressangle · 27/06/2015 20:11

I wouldn't disown them.

DCs only really appreciate their DM once they have DCs of their own. Then they appreciate the hard work and responsibility so your time may come, OP, but get your own life so you are not dependent on them at present.

gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 20:11

I agree that I need to look at this differently. Thank you all again for your feedback.

OP posts:
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 20:17

My ex received the information that my son had a performance at school and did not share it with me. In the past my son had refused to participate in school performances and the fact he changed his mind and decided to do one should have been shared with me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/06/2015 20:19

What happened before your marriage that has made you "rejection-sensitive" perhaps exploring that and dealing with it will make the current situation less personal and painful and able to accept it as your dc doing the best they can in a situation that they're not coping with well.

BertieBotts · 27/06/2015 20:24

There is a lot going on here OP.

Firstly, in your OP you said "I figured as adults they would figure out the truth and that would be that."

What did you mean by that - were you expecting them to totally disown their dad and be 100% by you? That's the impression I'm getting, but I feel like this is an unreasonable expectation. Why do they have to choose between you? They can have relationships with both you and him, and his family. Choosing to see them and spend time with them and yes, even live with them, does not mean that they are rejecting you. I understand that you're feeling it as a rejection, but I'm sure they are not intending it that way. Perhaps, even, choosing to live there is feeling like the best option in terms of encompassing all of those relationships if you have been hostile to them contacting their dad/dad's family while living with you, but he hasn't been openly hostile about them having contact with you while living there.

Secondly they're not really adults yet - the fifteen year old definitely not, and twenty is on the cusp of emotional maturity as well. Some twenty year olds are very much there and some have a way to go yet.

Plus, if you've done things right, then they shouldn't feel that they have to choose, in which case it might seem perfectly natural to them to make decisions based on whose house is more comfortable or which has more people etc. That's not a reflection on you, at all. In fact it shows that they are not game playing, really, which is a good thing. Again it feels like a rejection, but that doesn't mean that it was intended as one.

I think that the "loyalty" thing is a bit of a red herring. Being loyal to you means loving and supporting you and keeping your secrets. It doesn't mean that they must eschew everyone who has ever hurt you. Try to remember that their relationship with their father, grandparents and extended family is totally separate from YOUR relationship with your ex (and family), and again not a bearing on their relationship with or loyalty towards you.

You say that your son was guilted into living with his dad. So that might be playing a part as well. Again, fifteen is not emotionally adult. It's difficult even for an emotionally healthy adult to resist manipulation from somebody they care about - it's extremely frustrating and upsetting to witness this happening to your son, especially in this in between age where he's technically old enough to make a decision, but not yet wise to his dad's games, and perhaps not confident enough to challenge him. But it's not his fault, and it's unfair to him to blame him for it and feel angry with him. Feel angry with your ex, if you must, but don't blame your son who likely feels very torn about the whole situation.

In your last post, you mentioned that your son acted "like a jerk" at five years old when you divorced. It seems as though this is painful for you because it feels like history is repeating itself. When really, I think that you have misconstrued your son's motives. At five, you have a very confused, hurting and upset kid who is hitting out at whoever is closest and whoever is to blame. That's really hard to deal with, I know that. I also had a troubled five year old (he is older now). But do know that although his behaviour seems personal (he may even say/have said it was personal), it's just the way that an emotionally immature (as all five year olds are) person deals with hurt and strong emotion. Honestly, it was nothing to do with the performances. He might have latched onto that as a reason, but that would not have been the actual reason he was hitting out.

I can totally understand why you feel hurt and rejected right now. I think it would be a good idea to hold back a little, if you need to do that, but I wouldn't disown them completely. As hard as it is, you have to be the adult and once again take on board that they are still young and you have to give them the benefit of the doubt always. That's just how it is, your job, and you might have to do that for many more years yet. I can tell you for sure that if you reject them openly right now, it will be extremely difficult to get them back in the future. It's fine to tell them if you find something they do hurtful, but do understand that their relationship with their dad and his family is actually their right, and none of your business, whether you find it hurtful or not. That's one hurt that you just need to accept and/or try to deal with yourself without involving them.

DoJo · 27/06/2015 20:25

I think you are seeing it as your children choosing to live with people that you don't like and that don't like you, whereas they are choosing to live with their family, who presumably treat them much better than you were treated to.

As much as you feel as though your son blamed you unfairly for your divorce, in his eyes, you were responsible for the situation. That you still see this as a sign of his disloyalty years later does suggest that you aren't really appreciating the context of your role as a parent. At that time, changing job and dealing with the fall-out of the divorce wasn't something you 'did for your kids', it was something that had to be done because you and your husband's relationship was untenable and you wanted out.

As for your son's performances etc - I'm surprised that you blame your ex for keeping the details from you. If you had shared custody, then how did you not know about them from your son if nothing else? Surely he would have been practising, talking about them, going off to perform - I think asking yourself why he didn't tell you about them or ask you to come himself might be more productive than blaming your ex husband.

It sounds to me like you are so determined to blame the negative influences of your husband's family for the difficulties in your relationships with your kids, that you aren't looking for pro-active things that you could do to improve things for you and them. Perhaps accepting that you cannot change the past or the current relationships with the other half of their family and focussing on what you can change might make you feel more positive about the future. Good luck...Flowers

gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 20:26

Very good advice RM. My next appointment is July 15 with my therapist and I am hoping to explore this a bit more. I am not so much interested in wasting more time with why I feel so sensitive as what techniques I can use to deal with it better. Whatever rejection feelings I had before my marriage only intensified over the years with the treatment I received from my in-laws and husband. It has made me unreasonable at times and somewhat blind as to when I am being unreasonable. I know this enough to ask for other points of view which is why I posted to begin with. I am very appreciative of all responses:)

OP posts:
chocolatesolveseverything · 27/06/2015 20:29

My mother disowned my brother and sister for several years after an argument. She disowned me periodically for short periods as well. This gave her no comfort - only pain. She, possibly like you, strongly believed she was 'owed' loyalty and affection, and she could not cope when her children did not live precisely to those expectations. The real tragedy was that she never really understood that it was those times she 'lost it' that did the most damage to me and my siblings' relationships with her. She died some years ago and whilst it was very sad at the time, it has ultimately been a relief not to have such a strained and difficult relationship to deal with.

Do not go down that road OP. It will cause you and your children nothing but hurt. They are not yours to control, and only they can make decisions about where they want to live, etc. Love them unconditionally and support them when they need it. That is your role as a mother.

gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 20:31

Thank you dj and b...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/06/2015 20:31

That seems a long gap between appointments if you end up struggling very much with your feelings in between them?

IME when something is deep ingrained it's not so easy to just use techniques but perhaps CBT is worth a try which will help you learn to challenge your thoughts when you feel rejected.

gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 20:35

Wow chocolate....I really appreciate your story. I have probably flipped out too badly for my son to forgive me. I guess I will have to leave it alone for a while and hope for the best. I do love my kids and don't want our relationship to be 'too hard' for them to deal with.

OP posts:
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 20:40

I agree rm...cbt would definitely be the way I should go. When I do go to this appointment I will set up a series of appointment, perhaps once a week to help me with this. It's more than just my relationship with my kids...I think this has seeped it's way into other areas of my life too. I like how you said 'challenge my thoughts'...this is precisely what I want to do. I am not afraid to challenge how I think because I feel deep down that it is probably not correct.

OP posts:
GERTI · 27/06/2015 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YaTalkinToMe · 27/06/2015 20:42

I think you also need to remember that your kids may have different relationships with others than you do.

chocolatesolveseverything · 27/06/2015 20:42

Good luck OP. I hope that things get easier with time x.

gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 20:45

I have really struggled with the conditional love. I just don't understand it and why I have it. Why isn't it automatically unconditional? You would think at my age I would understand all of this. Maybe growing up with a single mom and no siblings I missed out on experiencing a family.

OP posts:
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 20:46

Thanks Gerti:)

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 27/06/2015 20:49

Do you mean you feel you love them conditionally, or you feel they love you conditionally?

NRomanoff · 27/06/2015 20:52

Your children don't 'owe' you anything. They didn't choose to be born, to go through divorce etc. as parents we do the best we can with what's going on, because we want the best for our kids. That doesn't mean they owe us. They are people in their own right, who need to live their own lives and make their own decisions and mistakes. They shouldnt feel they have to live their life accordion to what you think you are owed.

I see you don't want to never speak to them again. But you need help to get over this reaction to, what you perceive as rejection.

formerbabe · 27/06/2015 20:58

Parents nearly always have unconditional love for their children....I don't think children automatically have unconditional love for their parents though. It is a different dynamic.