Disowning my older children

[gingerose123]

I would love some feedback. First off I was married for 11 years to a man who was more concerned with his family than with me. I didn't realize how bad until our first year of marriage. We had 2 children 6 years apart. We finally divorced after years of me tolerating he and his family's bullying and abuse of me. He and his family worked pretty hard at alienating my kids from me. Although we had shared custody I never worried too much about it because i was always a good loving mom and figured as adults they would figure out the truth and that would be that. I did not participate by bad-mouthing the ex and his family figuring that would play in my favor later on. Now my kids are 20 and 15. The 20 year old lives with the family who hates me so much. She knows the truth about it all now, but it hasn't changed her mind about her relationship with them. Then my son who is 15 prefers to live with my ex husband. They have a larger family than me (I am alone-no siblings or close family) and my daughter told me she would rather be there because there are more people to do things with. I am so incredibly hurt and in pain as they prefer to be with the other family I am considering disowning them. I just can't take this pain any longer. Am I being unreasonable? Too sensitive?

That's true, Canyou. And I think I've been guilty of advising that in the past too. I'll certainly pick my words more carefully in future.

I was mainly going off personal experience with this - I was unaware as a child of my dad's mistreatment of my mum. Later I found that he was behaving in strange and unsettling ways towards me, and it helped to rationalise it. I am closer to my mother now than my father. But I wouldn't cut contact completely with my dad. He has his problems, but I still want to know him and have a relationship with him. I don't see that as incompatible to me seeing that he's not a perfect person (and of course, neither is my mother, nor is anyone, though it took me longer to realise that). I am lucky that I have never felt pushed to choose between my parents, and it didn't occur to me that somebody reading such advice/stock phrases, if you like, would interpret it as "The children will choose you and shun him and everything will be fine." Now I can see that and it seems obvious, but it just didn't really factor in as a possibility before.

There's a moment in everyone's life when you make the shift from believing your parents are all-knowing, all-good, perfect people to realising they are flawed humans just like everyone else, and I do believe that when (adult/teenage) children have one abusive (or emotionally unhealthy, if you like) parent and one emotionally healthy and/or stable parent, the mask falls on the unhealthy one first because there is such a clear contrast. And that is a good thing because it enables them to navigate the relationship more clearly. It definitely doesn't mean that they should seek to completely cut that person out of their lives unless they are behaving in a very toxic way towards them directly.

The thing is - seeing the flaws in someone and understanding that they may have treated others badly doesn't necessarily change the way you feel about them. When people reassure parents that their children will understand one day that their other parent hasn't always had their best interests a heart, it doesn't mean that they will hate them and want to cut them out of heir lives, just that they will have a better appreciation of the reasons that their parents split, and a more realistic idea of how the relationship breakdown came about. Perhaps more sympathy for a parent that they might have once blamed for a divorce, or an appreciation of the stability that they provided when their other parent was absent. We all accept flaws in others, and parents moreso than most

For some, that will be because they experience the same behaviour from their parent, whereas others will have a completely different relationship that they are happy and keen to sustain. A person can be completely different as a parent than they are as a partner, and some couples do bring out the worst in each other.

I did not participate by bad-mouthing the ex and his family figuring that would play in my favor later on

Kind of says everything you need to know about you. You don't badmouth your childrens father because he is their father and it isn't fair on them, NOT because it might "play in your favor" later on. Christ.

rabs- is that what you do? See who is really hurting out there then latch onto one sentence they wrote and beat them with it? That says a lot about you.

wee- you should not be commenting on people's posts where pain is involved. If your comments cannot be communicated in a constructive or supportive way you should not be here.

I'm with solid. Disown them, please, you'll be doing them a massive favour.

I honestly think that people only start consolidating what has happened to them in their life so far by mid-twenties. I think you need to give your kids much more of a chance to grow up.

Yes yabu

I have known children who were in similar situations to what you described, and it was so damaging to them.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think you should disown your Counsellor rather thanyour children.

Step vack and find a Counsellor who doesn't blame you for being over sensitive.

He sounds like a prize arse.

gingerose123

It's a very insightful sentence is all. Instead of thinking about the good of your children you thought about the outcome for yourself.

I agree with everything FabULouse says, you need to do some reading on narcissism, right now.

'Oversensitive' people are often, actually, manipulative bullies. It's just that they get their way by wailing and flouncing and insisting that their special, delicate feelings have been trampled over, rather than obvious aggression.

Generally, I find that people who claim to be very sensitive are sensitive about their own feelings and oblivious to everyone else's.

If you feel hurt and rejected by your dc I can understand how that would be unbearable to you.

So, yes, a big step back and wait for better times. They will come

I can see this was the wrong place to post this issue. There is a huge difference between not agreeing with someone and attacking. Calling names (narcissist) and giving sarcastic advice (disown them- you would do them a huge favor). These comments are not at all helpful and meant to be hurtful. I have read from others that they will not post on here (AIBU) because of how vile the posters can be - you have proved her so right! Disagree with me if you wish, it is your right. But the bullying and hurtful comments are not called for. Why are you even posting on here if you are only trying to hurt people who are already hurting?

It's not bullying, stop twisting everyone's words to make yourself look like a victim. If you look up narcissism you will see that the things you are saying match closely with some aspects of it.

You're the one that came on here and asked if you should disown your children because they aren't doing what YOU want.

And you wonder why some people had something to say about that? Really?

If you would re-read my original post, I was not asking for advice on whether or not I should disown my children;

I am so incredibly hurt and in pain as they prefer to be with the other family I am considering disowning them. I just can't take this pain any longer. Am I being unreasonable? Too sensitive?

My question was whether or not I was being unreasonable given the circumstances. I do not see how this invites an attack on me personally. There are many ways to respectfully disagree with someone. Many people did as well as offer insightful and enlightening advice on dealing with my pain without having to go to the drastic step of disowning my children. I am grateful to those people.

In a way, I agree with sgb in and others, but hope to put it in a more sensitive way.

Op are you sure you children see your relationship with you ex and his family in the same way you do? You say you are starting to see the issues now. But over the years have you possibly acted in this way to your ex and his family. Your eldest especially may feel that everyone was to blame equally. That also might be what your youngest sees.

As I said, my mum is like this. Dads family get blame from her for everything. Hearing her side, they sound evil. Except they aren't. Mum did plenty to cause the rift herself. She was very controlling and everyone has to do as she wanted or there would be issues. They refused, they then antagonised her and it went round in circles. At the heart of it, mum was terrified of being hurt. Her dad was a cheater and broke her mothers heart and it devastated my mum and effected her whole life. Mum has had counselling and worked through it. She is much happier and as a family things are easier.

I still haven't told her that she was as much to blame as them, as she has never wanted to know and everyone has moved on. Mum isn't friensly with them but the hate between them all has gone.

Perhaps when you have had more counselling and worked through this, you could speak to your dd.

Try Relationships. AIBU is known for punching.

You say older children. So you have younger children, a new partner etc? Funny how you don't mention this at all, as if it doesn't matter, when it would naturally have a huge impact on your older children.
Your posts are all about you and how you feel and how you are treated and how what everyone else does affects you, and your pain.
What about everyone elses feelings and needs, where do they come in?

Disowning your children because they haven't come to take your side against the rest of their family (especially after you have created another family) is just bizarre.

Add message | Report | Message poster SolidGoldBrass Sun 28-Jun-15 00:26:29
'Oversensitive' people are often, actually, manipulative bullies. It's just that they get their way by wailing and flouncing and insisting that their special, delicate feelings have been trampled over, rather than obvious aggression.

Spot on, you just described my 'mother' to a T.

these poor youngsters are an in impossible situation.How are they supposed to choose between their mum and their dad? no-one shoul be put in this situation.
What I suspect they think is that they will lose their dad if they pick you, wheas they are more secure in your love for them.
These DC need understanding, not disowning.

Exactly GERTI, it takes an awful lot to disown someone, I'm NC with my parents, but only because they are damaging, toxic people. The OP is exactly the sort of thing my mother would write; it's always all about her, her feelings, how hard done by she is, rather than looking at her own behaviour.

Your poor son was guilted into going back to his father. He will remember that. Don't disown them, tell them that you love them and you'll always be there when they need you, then take a step back.