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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disowning my older children

156 replies

gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 19:19

I would love some feedback. First off I was married for 11 years to a man who was more concerned with his family than with me. I didn't realize how bad until our first year of marriage. We had 2 children 6 years apart. We finally divorced after years of me tolerating he and his family's bullying and abuse of me. He and his family worked pretty hard at alienating my kids from me. Although we had shared custody I never worried too much about it because i was always a good loving mom and figured as adults they would figure out the truth and that would be that. I did not participate by bad-mouthing the ex and his family figuring that would play in my favor later on. Now my kids are 20 and 15. The 20 year old lives with the family who hates me so much. She knows the truth about it all now, but it hasn't changed her mind about her relationship with them. Then my son who is 15 prefers to live with my ex husband. They have a larger family than me (I am alone-no siblings or close family) and my daughter told me she would rather be there because there are more people to do things with. I am so incredibly hurt and in pain as they prefer to be with the other family I am considering disowning them. I just can't take this pain any longer. Am I being unreasonable? Too sensitive?

OP posts:
Original poster
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 21:08

I sent my son a fb message and told him I was sorry for flipping out on him when he went back to his dads. I told him no need to respond to my letter just know that I love him and I will always be there for him and I hope things are good for him at his dads.
I just don't understand why I have conditional love for my kids. Why I am so ready to cut them out of my life when I feel they are rejecting me. This is a mystery to me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/06/2015 21:13

Because it's your self preservation. Something inside you somewhere is hurting so much you are terrified of the pain they may cause you - only it's not them causing the pain it is something that is already hurting that they re-trigger.

You are sub consciously projecting some past hurt onto them.

Well that is what I suspect. I struggle to let myself be emotionally vulnerable with others and have had a rocky ride with my eldest at times because of it.

thecatfromjapan · 27/06/2015 21:22

You sound very confused. More confused than can be sorted out by means of a thread on mumsnet, to be honest.
It would be far better to find a way to talk this out rather than acting it out.

Original poster
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 21:23

Wow. That makes perfect sense. I have re-married since my divorce (my new husband is an amazing human being who has always been a friend to my kids and a big supporter of me) and I remember when we were dating 3 years I told him if he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me after 3 years then he obviously didn't want to marry me and maybe we should break up. I loved him very much by that time and if he wasn't going to be with me I wanted to get the hurt over with quickly so I could get on with my life. He did marry me and we have an amazing marriage. During this crisis of mine he has tried to tell me what others have said about being there for my kids and not rejecting them because I thought they were rejecting me. It didn't make any sense to me but reading the story about the woman whose mom rejected her and her siblings helped me see things from another view. When her mom finally died it was a relief to her because the relationship was difficult. I don't want our relationship to be difficult. I don't want it to be stressful for the kids to see me. I have to separate my relationship with them from my ex's relationship with them. Completely.

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Original poster
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 21:25

Thank you cfj:)

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thecatfromjapan · 27/06/2015 21:30

I think RandomMess speaks sense. Parenting is a lot like getting scurvy: it makes old wounds re-open. It can provoke all sorts of psychological turmoil.
What seems odd is that it's come to a crisis for you now - but perhaps there is something significant in the ages of the children, or the situation.
You really can only get to the bottom of it by being very honest with yourself, and that may require you feeling safe enough to do that.

Added to all of this is the fact that modern motherhood states that we mothers have to give all that love very selflessly - and that it has no cost.

Loving DOES cost. I think - just my opinion - that subconsciously you are rebelling against this notion of the 'freeness' of a mother's love.

For what it's worth, I think it costs us women plenty to give all that love.

thecatfromjapan · 27/06/2015 21:33

Obviously, I'm not saying we shouldn't do it. It's just that I wonder if our mental health might be better if it was acknowledged thst it is mainly women who do it and it 'costs' something that can't be measured in standard terms of pounds, shillings and pence.

thecatfromjapan · 27/06/2015 21:35

It was RandomMess who said the very insightful thing, OP.

She's a smart woman, isn't she?:-)

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2015 21:45

You are coming across as whiny and self-obsessed here. I wonder if your XH and his family have had to put up with years of you sulking, tantrumming, taking offence and demanding that people 'prove' their loyalty to you and that's why none of them want much to do with you.

worridmum · 27/06/2015 21:51

Solidgoldbrass that really was uncalled for while the OP posts do not paint the best picture she does not desrive that level of bile spewed at her.

I would really attempt to re-establish involvement with your thepypist as you really do sound like you are rejection sensitive, while yes it hurts that your children have decided to live with their father they are not rejecting you per say just that they could have more attachments nearby that are not parent centred (eg most likely friendship groups / more things to do as in one parent living in a small village compared to another in a city etc)

RandomMess · 27/06/2015 21:56

Now if only I could just "fix" myself!!!!

Sadly it is very hard work and painful to deal with something that it so very deep rooted which clearly it is for you (or is that just me who is now projecting onto you?)

SGB I hope you never experience such deep, painful scars that you have any understanding of what the op is struggling with. To be blessed with children and be so deeply afraid of loving them is truly awful and usually comes from very early childhood emotional scars.

Original poster
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 21:58

Solidbrass you have no idea what you are talking about. Considering this I would caution you to err on the side of humanity when choosing to respond to people you do not know on any thread.

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Original poster
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 22:04

Yes I am going to my therapist on July 15. Speaking to you all is helping me to see more of the problem. I feel like I have been seeing little bits and pieces of my issue but not the whole picture. I love what you said rm about being so afraid of loving your own children; because that's exactly how I feel! Like loving them is stepping into a minefield and the moment one looks like it will explode I want to take myself out so I won't feel any more pain. Taking myself out is the only thing I have control over when faced with painful situations. Omg. I just saw something in that last sentence I wrote that I never realized before. I have control issues and lack coping skills.

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RandomMess · 27/06/2015 22:10

Flowers all the best for sorting it out, it's a long, usually slow & painful journey but your dc are worth it.

Yes to the minefield btw, sometimes it's 5 steps forward and 4.5 back...

DawnOfTheDoggers · 27/06/2015 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 22:26

dofthed - its not quite the same as you have described. I have always supported my children's relationship with their other family believing that when they were adults and figured it out they would decide for themselves. I did not participate in alienating them against their other family as they had done to me believing this could only help me later on. However now that my oldest is an adult and knows the truth about why we divorced and figured out they have no good reason to dislike me the way they do it is hurtful to me that she would want anything to do with the other family. As for my son who is 15, I have always supported his relationship with his dad. I was over the moon when he wanted to live with me and absolutely gutted when his dad called him and guilted him into coming back to live with him. I felt rejected by my son as a result. Not quite the same as using children as a 'pawn'. I realize there are a lot of posts to read here, but perhaps take the time to read them before making a judgement like this.

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Weebirdie · 27/06/2015 22:28

The thing that comes across to me is the lack of warmth in your posts when talking about your children. There's something not quite right going on here but I cant articulate my thoughts on it except to say there's a coldness in you.

Weebirdie · 27/06/2015 22:30

I see I cross posted with others, and its interesting we're all picking up on something being amiss here. - and not with the children.

wannabestressfree · 27/06/2015 22:45

I don't 'get' you completely but I do understand the pain you are going through. My son is 11 and has a completely different relationship with his dad than me. He adores him and craves time with him and I am the homework doing, clean clothe providing, form filler, money providing boring parent. His father is sadly lacking in lots of ways and I could 'up my game' but I am not prepared too.
Please don't cut them off. Don't let it consume you as it May be all they see. Persevere with the counselling. Do you have other children?

ncpg53 · 27/06/2015 22:46

You are expecting that now your children are adults that they should pick a side.

You say they now know the truth but you expect them to pick between their parents? They probably love you very much but equally they will love their father and his family very much. As much as his family may have wronged you they haven't done anything to your children except raise them.

It's very unfair to put them in that position and an unfair expectation of them also. They are your children you cannot and should not expect anything from them.

I didn't ask to be born and I don't believe my parents should expect anything from me however having chosen to have me it's their responsibility to be there for me should I need them

Original poster
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 22:46

Of course there's something amiss with me...that's why I posted in the first place. Yes there is a lack of warmth because I am dealing with issues I don't feel particularly warm about. I don't see anything new here.

Once again, if you would like to take the time to post here, please take the time to read the previous posts, think about what you want to say and be kind.

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Original poster
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 22:51

wbsf- thank you for your thoughtful post. Boys have different relationships with their mothers than their fathers. I will need to keep this in mind.

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Original poster
gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 22:52

Yes, I do have other children:)

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Weebirdie · 27/06/2015 22:54

Ginger, I did read your posts, and Im sorry my replies were not what you wanted to hear.

You're very rude, and to be frank I cant be bothered wasting anymore time on someone who'd call her 5 year old a jerk the way you did.

I think you're problems run deeper than being rejection sensitive, in fact I would put money on you having a problem relationships, communication, and sensitivity in general.

Was that kind enough for you?

Canyouforgiveher · 27/06/2015 23:04

*You are expecting that now your children are adults that they should pick a side.

You say they now know the truth but you expect them to pick between their parents?*

But I see this all the time on MN. women come on and complain about the perfectly awful things their exes do and say that it is so hard not to tell their kids the truth about their fathers.

And they are nearly always reassured to hang on in there, do the right thing and not to worry that when the children are older, they will know who the real and good parent is and will make their choices then and will realise how wronged their mother was.

I have often felt this ignores the real connection children - adult or child - crave with their fathers and in reality children may know their dad was awful to their mother but rationalise it because this is an incredibly significant realtionship to them and they just cannot see it the same way as the ex spouse/partner.

I think the OP believed the stock phrases and was unconsciously waiting for her reward - that her children would suddenly see the relationship exactly through her eyes. But that doesn't happen very often. OP it is hard and good for you apologising to your son (and 15 is really young still) and continuing with your own therapy.