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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disowning my older children

156 replies

gingerose123 · 27/06/2015 19:19

I would love some feedback. First off I was married for 11 years to a man who was more concerned with his family than with me. I didn't realize how bad until our first year of marriage. We had 2 children 6 years apart. We finally divorced after years of me tolerating he and his family's bullying and abuse of me. He and his family worked pretty hard at alienating my kids from me. Although we had shared custody I never worried too much about it because i was always a good loving mom and figured as adults they would figure out the truth and that would be that. I did not participate by bad-mouthing the ex and his family figuring that would play in my favor later on. Now my kids are 20 and 15. The 20 year old lives with the family who hates me so much. She knows the truth about it all now, but it hasn't changed her mind about her relationship with them. Then my son who is 15 prefers to live with my ex husband. They have a larger family than me (I am alone-no siblings or close family) and my daughter told me she would rather be there because there are more people to do things with. I am so incredibly hurt and in pain as they prefer to be with the other family I am considering disowning them. I just can't take this pain any longer. Am I being unreasonable? Too sensitive?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 30/06/2015 01:03

And many people read the OP as being not as innocent in the making of the situation as she says. isn't that victim blaming?

DorisDazzler · 30/06/2015 01:05

I did read that . So what ? She let them figure it out on their own. She didn't badmouth him. She's hurt her daughter still lives there despite knowing the truth. It doesn't say anywhere that she wants them to take sides.

Wouldn't you be hurt winter if your daughter chose to live with someone who abused you ?

DorisDazzler · 30/06/2015 01:15

It IS victim blaming and its not on. The Op has been a victim of abuse. Most people understand general abuse , but alienating children is also part of the abusers script. It's documented everywhere .It's a shocking abuse that is frequently misunderstood.

ApplePaltrow · 30/06/2015 01:22

OP, I think people are being a little harsh in tone but I have to say that I think you need help. I think there is something desperately wrong with you - a hole that your children cannot fill and you are going to destroy them by trying to make them do so.

I think you are genuinely sick and I think you need help.

Atenco · 30/06/2015 05:00

You can love abusive people though. My dd loves her father who was useless when she was a child, but now that she is an adult they have a good and loving relationship. I am glad for her.

My dd's ex is her ex because of his violence, but he is a loving father to their daughter and he is generally good company. I like him and feel like an unnatural mother in liking him. Doesn't mean that I would encourage her to go back with him or not do everything possible to keep my dd safe from him.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/06/2015 11:18

I would have to disagree with the poster who said that abusers won't seek therapy. The type of abusive person whose abuse takes the form of whining, crying, flouncing and drama-llama behaviour when s/he doesn't get his/her own way tends to love therapy as it encourages his/her self-obsession and everything being everyone else's fault.

drudgetrudy · 30/06/2015 11:27

OP has been treated very unfairly by her ex and his family and ,of course, she is very upset about this.
This is not the fault of her children.
Sadly their relationship with her may always be affected.
However being a parent is about putting the children's emotional needs above our own even when they are adults. This can feel unfair but ideally parental love is unconditional which is something parents need to work on.
I still feel OP would be unreasonable to disown or reject her kids and at 15 and 20 they are still not fully mature.
The best hope for the relationship is for OP to continue to be there for the kids on their terms.
I agree that the OP needs to seek help elsewhere about the abuse that has been inflicted on her by her ex and her in-laws.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 30/06/2015 13:29

Victim blaming my arse. You can't pick and choose which abusive bits are relevant and which aren't. Perhaps OP was a victim of abuse from her husband, but also her children are victims of her. Disowning your 15 year old for not being sensitive enough to your pain is abusive.
You are being totally one-sided in your responses. OP already comes across as it being all-about-her, you're only confirming her position there. Someone has to think about the children, OP isn't.

NorahDentressangle · 30/06/2015 13:45

gingerrose I think there is something from you own childhood.

Do you talk about that on here? I did skim through your posts but didn't see anything but I might have missed it.

Perhaps the feelings of betrayal you have about your son staying with his father are all to do with a similar occurrence in your childhood.

Then when a something similar happens in adulthood it awakens all those already sensitive emotions which are still bubbling under the surface, if you haven't openly discussed and dealt with them through therapy, that is. Those feelings of sadness/ betrayal/ unfairness.

You then assume the anger etc is caused by what's happening in the present but that's not the true situation, the present happenings are only prodding those sharp old feelings into life.

Is there something in the past you are not acknowledging?

Italiangreyhound · 30/06/2015 17:07

Some people have a really rude way of putting things. Mumsnet is meant to be for support.

Italiangreyhound · 30/06/2015 17:08

NorahDentressangle that was NOT directed at you. I've just got in from work and yours was the last post, that's all.

I find the tone of some posters is very rude.

NRomanoff · 30/06/2015 17:25

All this victim blaming stuff is quite frankly misdirected. The OP has been planning for the day that her kids would reject their father and it hasn't happened.

She described herself as 'alone' then it transpires she is remarried and hasorw choldren. Her child apparently doesn't want to live with her because she lives alone which isn't true. That shows she manipulates information for maximum sympathy. The dd chooses to live with this horrible family....for reasons the OP isn't willing to share and tried to hide.

The OP is so hurt that her children refuse to reject their father she is planning on disowning them. When her son wanted to return to his dad she kicked off with him. Which she has done before. I think she described it as majorly kicked off at him.

I am sorry but I don't believe the OP is a victim of abuse. I believe she thinks she is. But I also believe that she isn't honest about her own actions and the consequences of those actions.

MistressDeeCee · 30/06/2015 22:38

Yes YABU but its understandable. There's no accounting for feelings, and you are hurt. I don't blame you for feeling sensitive about it all. I certainly would. You're only human.

They still have a lot of growing up to do, hopefully in years to come the relationship between you will improve.

AnotheBloodyChinHair · 01/07/2015 06:10

I think it's the OP who has a lot of growing up to do.

OP, to me you sound like a nightmare to live with or be around. Really really high maintenance. You seem to have a 'me the victim' mentality, always expecting others to look after your feelings.

You have not spoken about your children with any warmth whatsoever and saying that your 5 year old was a jerk... well... I am utterly surprised at the support posts you have received on this thread after this comment to be perfectly honest.

You haven't given the slightest indication of having any awareness of what your own children must have gone through. A 5 year old behaving like a jerk is not a jerk, is a hurting child who needs support, and there's you going 'why is he doing this to me?' and making it all about yourself.

Sad

Italiangreyhound · 01/07/2015 09:32

So easy to kick someone when they are down, isn't it! Sad

Italiangreyhound · 01/07/2015 09:34

Just because the OP has said or done some things that others may not agree with does not mean she is not a victim in this and it doesn't mean she should receive no support. I am surprised people can be so cruel and heartless and not give their 'advice' in a kinder way!

Balacqua · 01/07/2015 21:33

Italiangreyhound I couldn't agree more with you. As bad in my view as the deeply unpleasant comments on this thread is how posters like to summarize, with authority, in a highly negative and again deeply unpleasant way. This is delivered as some kind of truth or verdict on the op.

Not only unhelpful but misrepresenting a very complex situation based on snapshots from the op. I think it's just vile, frankly.

Atenco · 01/07/2015 23:24

I agree Italiangreyhound, if it is not kind and helpful, why post.

Mrsjayy · 01/07/2015 23:50

Your children are not here to make youbfeel better you had to take your son to these appointments for his tourettes because that was your responsibility as a parent to do that your 15yr old child doesnt need to be grateful disowning children is drastic and all your children did was stay with their father keep the door open for your children but in the meantime I think you need to see a medical Dr you come across on here as you might have some mental health issues and I dont your councilling is helping you i am saying this out of cocern not to be harsh.

Mrsjayy · 01/07/2015 23:51

Typos sorry

MistressDeeCee · 02/07/2015 02:21

Thats really judgmental Mrsjavy, talk about trying to make another woman feel like shit...!

I think you need to see a medical Dr you come across on here as you might have some mental health issues and I dont your councilling is helping you

Fucking hell I bet you're pleasant to be around...a real bag of laughts...& of course the fact you feel a compulsion to be so horrendously nasty means you have no issues yourself, at all

Mrsjayy · 02/07/2015 08:51

I dont mean to be judgemental some of the words the op uses she sounds distressed and not thinking clearly im im honestly concerned that things that have happened in her life have affected her mental health .

Balacqua · 02/07/2015 10:26

Mrs jayy did you actually read the ops posts??? Of course she has issues and of course she needs help. She knows that and was actually getting somewhere positive up thread before the posting became incredibly unpleasant. Reductive and simplistic posts like this are becoming so common on here. It's like being on the daily mail comment section, frankly. Again, unhelpful, demoralising and stigmatizing.

Mrsjayy · 02/07/2015 10:31

Look im going to not post anymore i dont want to upset anybody i thought my comments came from a kind place obviously not

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 02/07/2015 10:57

Way way way unreasonable in the nicest way possible.

They're 15 and 20, they're too young to fully grasp everything at the moment, especially the 15 year old! You may think the 20 year old is a grown up (I was a mum at 20!) but she's still young and probably wrapped in her own little world of gratification. They probably won't really understand until they're much older or settling down with families themselves Flowers