Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask for your childhood experiences of a working or stay at home mother?

207 replies

suddenlycupishalffull · 25/06/2015 21:06

I do not want to start a bun fight on the old debate, what I'm interested in your experiences as a child of your mum working or staying at home. There's so much in the press at the moment about working mothers (link below of latest example), it seems there's a real push to get mothers back to work, and in another thread, another poster mentioned she felt her younger siblings benefitted from their mother going to work through her increased confidence and self-belief. So I wonder what was your experience as a child? I'll go first...my Mum stayed at home but to be fair I really don't have any memories of that magical golden childhood that a SAHM is meant to engender...we had holidays, some big ones, I wasn't aware that we struggled for money though I found out when my Dad died that they were struggling...I'm not sure that I was any happier for my Mum being there all the time but then I knew no different. What was your experience, particularly if your Mum went back to work when she had been at home or visa versa?

www.theguardian.com/world/2015/jun/24/having-a-working-mother-works-for-daughters

OP posts:
Pestolavista · 26/06/2015 17:21

Many people do not have a choice and have to take shitty jobs to support their families. I worked hours around DH's when the kids were very young, so they rarely saw us together.

My Mum started working part time when we were 7 & 9 so comparatively old and she worked full time after she divorced when we were teenagers. I do remember doing baking and stuff when very young but i also remember being bored a lot of the time. I was very frightened of nursery and school when i eventually went. I got slapped around quite a bit by my Mum i don't know if that was related to SAHM status or not.

I think working benefitted my Mum. When she had to quit in her mid fifties, due to remarriage and moving away, she began a slow slide into madness. I think once she stopped having to behave herself with colleagues and customers, her behaviour got worse and worse.

OTheHugeManatee · 26/06/2015 17:39

I loved having my mum at home when I was little but as I got older became aware of how unhappy and frustrated she was. My dad didn't lift a finger around the house (not to mention being an alcoholic) and it encouraged us to treat her like a skivvy too. I have two brothers and started to get more and more conflicted about wanting to do my bit to support her and do my fair share, but also resenting the way housework seemed to become a power struggle over who was 'top dog' and therefore exempted from having to load the dishwasher.

I also gradually realised how trapped she was, even after she got a (low-paid) job, as she would clearly have left the marriage much earlier had she had more economic independence. But as things were she didn't until another man (now my DSF) came along and 'rescued' her. My parents' setup made me very ambivalent about traditional gender roles, as it really highlighted how vulnerable the SAHM is, and for all these reasons left me determined never to give up work /career / employability.

seaweed123 · 26/06/2015 18:10

Funny, looking back, I can't think of a single sahm from my year group at school. I lived in an area of quite high (male) unemployment, and it was normal for mums to work in multiple low paying jobs, e.g. factory mon-fri then a couple of 4 hour shifts cleaning at the weekend.

I remember boosting that my mum worked harder than my friends mum, as she worked 7 days a week, and my friend's mum got one weekend off in 4. I never felt neglected though - we did lots of fun things and she generally worked nights/early/late so it didn't impact me much.

I could never not work, probably as a result. But I grew up determined to have a job that I enjoyed, and was very focused on earning enough to not have those pressures.

aprilanne · 26/06/2015 18:38

my mum worked FT from i was a toddler .This was because my brother died .of epilepsy .i was 2 him 3 at the time .My mum told me the doctor told her to get a job for her own mental health at the time .she always worked as far as i remember but i will be honest i hated it i felt she was never there
.it was best for her maybe but certainly not for me .know i have 3 sons and have alway,s been asahm .not that i am saying its been all flowers and things .we never went abroad until eldest 13 .holidays always in britain before that .but i do feel my mum working certainly had an effect on how i raised my children .i could go to all activities /sports days that kind of thing
But my hubby made a good enough wage and we lived in scotland so mortgage low that probably helped

ahbollocks · 26/06/2015 18:55

my mum ran a nursery in our extension until I was 10 so fekt like she was a SAHM. She was a softy though and didnt take much money so we were pretty poor, even with my dad working.
When she started a new career there was a flush of more money and we started having things like takeaways and our own bedroom each etc. Only really felt bad about her working when she had to work weekends or holidays

ExtraBlessings · 26/06/2015 19:56

My dad left my mum with 2 kids, my sister and I were 3 and 1. My mum worked full time to support us. It must have been horrendous for her. My memories are of her leaving in a rush, or coming home tired and stressed. Wierdly I have the distinct sense that we were awful brats. My sister reckons we were no worse than any other kids.

Either way, my mum is an amazing woman and I need to say thank you.

BagsyThisName · 26/06/2015 20:10

My DM was mostly a SAHM though she did work very part time in an area that was her passion but very low pay.

Therefore all the financial responsibility was on my dad. His job was not secure and this made him very very stressed and depressed.

DM was very busy with other committees, hobbies etc. However her being at home meant that I could go to all my hobbies - dance, music etc. This is the one thing I am worried my DC will miss out on as I and DH work full time.

AmberLav · 26/06/2015 20:57

My mum was a full time district nurse, and my dad was a teacher, so since dad's hours were shorter, and he had the holidays off, dad probably spent more time looking after us. I loved the independence of having working parents, it was all I ever knew. We had a cleaner who came round for a couple of hours every workday, who covered the gap between me getting home from school, to when dad and my big sisters got home from school, and I loved Bella!

Mum working meant that she was eventually able to leave my dad (with my sisters and me), as he was an alcoholic, but she stayed close by so I never had to choose between them.

Mum taught me to always have my independence, and I intend to keep working throughout my life, as I think it encourages children to work hard for themselves - I have always worked hard for what I have.

Mrsfrumble · 26/06/2015 22:20

Can I ask a question? Do people think it's possible to work hard / or convey the value of hard work if you don't work outside the home or for money?

I ask because although my mum was a SAHM, I never held the impression that she didn't "work hard". She always seemed very busy; she was (and still is) very heavily involved in her church, which is in a deprived area of town and does a lot of community outreach stuff, so while we were at school she was always cooking meals for people, ferrying around elderly people in her car, running toddler groups and collecting clothing donations for asylum seekers. At home she could usually be found up a step ladder painting a ceiling or filing the paperwork for my dad's private patients.

Do other posters who had SAHP's feel like they inherited a work ethic, despite having a parent who wasn't in paid employment?

WyrdByrd · 26/06/2015 22:40

My mum definitely worked hard and still does - she is one of those people who has to have everything in perfect order before she can relax, and I think has a streak of the martyr tbh.

Her practical skills are truly awesome though - she did all the DIY as well as all the 'housewife' stuff, and has been known to fix the family car with the aid of a Haynes manual, and the oven with a spare part from eBay and a YouYube Video (she was 73 at the time) Grin!

We shouldn't forget the other parent (if there is one) in these sahm/working mother debates.

I was lucky that my dad started working nights when I was about 12, which meant I had some 1-2-1 time with my mum of evening (great for a young teenage girl) and Dad around when I got home from school and before I went to school. He was always involved with me as much as he could be before that but I think that was really pivotal in our relationship.

DH has worked in schools since before DD was born so we are both term time only. We could do with the additional income from one of us working all year round tbh, but it's not vital and DD would certainly rather have more time with us & less glamorous holidays etc, so we've no plans to change things for the time being.

puffinrock · 27/06/2015 07:20

We both eork full time, however all the children have one parent with them at all times. We never go out without them. It is rare we are more than 10 feet away from them at anytime!

EvilSidekick · 27/06/2015 08:19

Mrsfrumble saw this article which is relevant to the question you asked www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-33269727

LilyTucker · 27/06/2015 08:50

I think that report is a crock of shite.

My sahp had 2 daughters and my dsis has a v successful career.I had 7 years as a sahp and like most have returned to work.

Most sahp do it for a temporary time. I know absolutely nobody who is a sahp for life and the range of being a sahp varies hugely. Is my dd doomed because of the 7 years I had off? Is she classed as the daughter of a sahm or a wm?Maybe those 7 years gave her benefits that outweigh the claims in said article.I now work full time.I know several who never had time off but just do a few hours a week.Who sets the best example?

Sick of the media,gov,MN and posters commenting,questioning and judging on what always has to be an individual choice. There is no one size fits all and only parents know what is right and best for their family not Xenia,not the gov or anybody else.The rate we're going we're going to have less choice than we started with.

Only1scoop · 27/06/2015 08:53

I remember her being there when I had chicken pox at about 7. She was always there when I got home.

As I got older I used to wish she worked like friends mums did.

NickyEds · 27/06/2015 09:02

I think that the general consensus seems to be that having a SAHP is great when you're little but as you get older you want them to work. I agree with Lily in that I don't think most SAHP see it as a "forever" thing. The vast majority return to work as their kids get older. it's odd but I see myself as a SAHM now (ds is 18 months and I'm 38 weeks pregnant), I think when they both go to school I'll work around them (I don't want them to go into wrap around at primary age), then go back full time as they get older. I sort of think that you become a housewife/husband/homemaker if you don't work when your kids are much older??????

blendedfamilygrinch · 27/06/2015 09:02

My mum was a sahm until I was 10. Most of my friends mums were also sahm (a few were teachers or dinner ladies) so that was the norm. When I was 10 she went back full time. I do remember being bored at my gp's in school holidays until I was a teen, being sent in to school ill & dp jokes about how I was a latchkey kid. But financially we were more comfortable & I wouldn't have wanted her having to stay home alone while DB & I were at school just for the sake of a couple of days illness & 1 hour a day after school..

thegreylady · 27/06/2015 09:13

I grew up in the 50s and 60s with a working mum. I used to go to my grandparents after school. It was lovely :)

thegreylady · 27/06/2015 09:22

I should also say that I was a working mum myself. I was a teacher and worked part time until they were in school then full time after that.
Ds had a nanny (we were working in West Africa) and dd was child minded by a friend while I worked part time. The same friend had her after school until I got home from my school. I never had her object to going and she was always playing happily when I picked her up. She chose a childminder for her own dc partly because of her happy memories of her early schooldays. I shared dgc childcare with the childminder and we still share pickups etc now that the children are 6 and 8.

namechangefortoday543 · 27/06/2015 11:36

My DM was desperate to have a career but wasn't allowed by my F Hmm
As a result she was bitter angry, blaming woman addicted to valium.
She behaved as though my siblings and I were to blame and was vile to us and never passed up an opportunity to tell us never to have children - they ruin your life .
FunSad

KatieScarlettreregged · 27/06/2015 11:43

My mum (after she finally left my drunken abusive cheating bastard of a father) worked FT.
She taught me by example every day why it was important never to be dependant financially on any man.
Thanks mum, you were and still are a fantastic role model and I couldn't love you more.

BettyCatKitten · 27/06/2015 11:57

My mum was a SAHM and was depressed, drinking and hooked on Valium. She made zero effort with us therefore I spent most of my time around my friends houses whose mums did work. To me SAHM was a negative experience and thus I've always been a WOHM.

Mrsfrumble · 27/06/2015 12:38

Thanks evilsidekick. That article covers the same report as the Guardian article that OP links to. My query comes from the idea of measuring "hard work" or "work ethic" only with financial re numeration (which I guess the report does too). Lots of posters have also mentioned that parents who WOH are important for instilling the value of hard work.

As I said, I consider my SAHM a "hard worker" who contributes hugely to her community. But perhaps I don't have the same understanding as I was raised my her, not a working mother?

I've been a working mother, am currently a SAHM while we're away from the UK, and will work again when we return. Will my "career break" have an impact on my daughter's future earnings? Or work ethic?

Momagain1 · 27/06/2015 13:26

As a parent, I have not worked, worked part time and worked fulltime. Also gone back to school and worked part time. DH has been a FT student without a Visa that allowed any work, a part time worker, a full time worker. My older kids had every flavor of child care before going to school and years of after school and summer day camps. Youngest has had none.

As a child, there were times when one, the other, or both my parents worked. They parented the same regardless. Life was most financially stable when mom worked, even though her wages were low. Dad was an erratic person, erratically employed, so provided a cycle of plenty of money or none. mom was home when we were little, but this was the 1960s, so few other options and up until I was about 7, dad's job changes were always improvements. But then he kind of crashed and never really got back ontrack. When she went out to work at first, dad was unemployed and oldest DB was 12, so in those days, old enough to mind the rest of us when dad did have work. Youngest brother wouldnt come along for another 5 years, he is the only one that ever wentto a child minder or nursery.

my maternal grandmother worked, full or part time, before during and after pregnancies, from the time her oldest two (my Dm and DAunt) began school, in order to pay for a catholic school in the US. However, though there had been no pregnancies for 8 years after my mother was born in the next 16 there were 4 miscarriages and 4 babies. Then a hysterectomy. Tjere was no such thing as maternity leave, but she was able to dip into and out of secretarial/receptionist work at the same hospital my GF was on maintenance staff at. I suspect a lot of wives of employees did that, a sort of permanent pool of women familiar with the hospital replacing each other as needed. The hospital was also connected to their religion, FWIW. The only child care she ever used was neighbors, friends or older siblings as nurseries barely existed. Also, granddad worked nights, and was available some day hours for his children. My aunt may have been 10 or 11 when first uncle was born, and that would be old enough to help quite a bit. DM and DA recall being jointly or seperately responsible for dinner before they were teens, but unbothered by that as their mother was a terrible cook. Responsible ranged from helping theor dad, to helping each other, to taking turns. The uncles also took care of younger sibs and meals as time went on.

DimpleHands · 27/06/2015 13:53

My mother stayed home with us until I (youngest) was four. Then she went back to work part-time. When she was at work and I wasn't at nursery/school, I would have to go to a childminder whom I HATED. She was incredibly mean. But weirdly I never told Mum that until long afterwards. I don't know why but I think often children will keep that sort of thing inside.

We had very little money but I am very glad Mum stayed home with us for as long as she could and wish that she had stayed longer. I would much rather have had that than holidays, nice clothes, etc.

I now have 1DC and I went back to work (part-time) when he was 8 months. I hate it and I wish I could be with him the whole time, but I am the main breadwinner and we can't afford it. I think that will be one of my big regrets later in life.

Gatehouse77 · 27/06/2015 13:54

My mother worked from home doing a mulititude of different secretarial jobs. She had some daytime meetings, evening meetings and occasionally was away overnight for courses, AGMs, etc. Being away increased only when we were teenagers and self sufficient.
My father worked a steady 9-5 job but paid no attention to us. Weekends he played cricket when he was younger and golf as he got older.

What I remember is a mother who's work took priority over us kids. The phone was more important. Anyone or anything could interrupt her but not us. If she was busy when we got home from school we would have to wait until she was free to even acknowledge our presence. The 'outside' world saw a different person to us - she had time and care for others.

However, I don't believe it was her work, as such, but her personality, certain events in her life that moulded her thinking and her own childhood.