to ask for your childhood experiences of a working or stay at home mother?

[suddenlycupishalffull]

I do not want to start a bun fight on the old debate, what I'm interested in your experiences as a child of your mum working or staying at home. There's so much in the press at the moment about working mothers (link below of latest example), it seems there's a real push to get mothers back to work, and in another thread, another poster mentioned she felt her younger siblings benefitted from their mother going to work through her increased confidence and self-belief. So I wonder what was your experience as a child? I'll go first...my Mum stayed at home but to be fair I really don't have any memories of that magical golden childhood that a SAHM is meant to engender...we had holidays, some big ones, I wasn't aware that we struggled for money though I found out when my Dad died that they were struggling...I'm not sure that I was any happier for my Mum being there all the time but then I knew no different. What was your experience, particularly if your Mum went back to work when she had been at home or visa versa?

www.theguardian.com/world/2015/jun/24/having-a-working-mother-works-for-daughters

My mum did nights when we were small. When we were both at school she did 9.30-2.30. She always came to assemblies etc. Our grandparents had us during the holidays usually. We did go to some playschemes or we went to some friends and they came to our house other days.

I did work evenings but changed jobs a few years ago. The new job wasn't what it was sold as. I have been a SAHM ever since.

My mum was a Sahm til I was around 11 and my brother was in full time school.

We really enjoyed having her home and she was always there. My brother's dad, my stepdad was a total workaholic working all day 6 days a week so it was a total contrast.

I think she did enjoy being home but she did also enjoy returning to work. She does now say you should make the most of your children while they are young. It is a main factor I think in my sister deciding to be a Sahm til my neice starts school whereas I returned to work part time.

My mum was at home with me and my younger brother till I went to school. I don't really remember this.
Then she worked night shifts and my dad worked from home. So both worked but were both at home after school.
In the holidays I had to amuse myself a lot and keep quiet cause mum was sleeping and dad working but dad would have lunch with me and mum got up about 3ish.
I'm old and "after school club" didn't exist when I was at school. Kids whose parents worked till 5 or 6 went to grandparents or unofficial childminders or let themselves in.

My mum was a secondary school teacher. When Dsis and I were born, she went into teacher training instead, because it was something she could do in the evening. Dsis and I had a sitter (my Dad played competitive chess that same night) and had a great time. When I was about 8, my mum started doing 2 nights a week and she went back to secondary school teaching (supply initially, then permanent) when I was about 13.

It must have been very tiring for her to do things this way, but she was always there for us - Dsis and I have very happy memories of our childhoods. My parents always impressed on both of us the importance of self-reliance, so Dsis and I have always worked full time. I have two DDs, 12 and 14 and the only thing I have changed recently is my working hours - I start really early now so that I can be home when they get in from school, because it's true what they say about teenagers needing you more.

My mum was at home, she freelanced p/t from home and was always there before and after school and during the holidays.

My mil was also a SAHM - she never worked.

I think it does influence how you want things to be for your own dc. I have only gone back to ft work in the last year, when my youngest went to secondary school. It has been a sacrifice in terms of my career, but I have been lucky in that it's a fairly niche career where going back in at a relatively senior level has been easy.

I still manage to be home as the dcs get home and this is pretty important to me - I still feel their needs overrule mine.

My mum went back to work when I was five months old apparently, and she worked FT throughout my whole childhood, but she was a teacher and worked locally, so didn't do mega long hours and had good holidays, as did my dad (but nobody cares about fathers' work set-ups!)

This was in the 80s and I remember feeling at some stage that it was unusual to have a working mum, certainly one that worked FT. She could never come on trips and always turned up for school shows at the last minute, while it seemed like everyone else's mum was always available for everything!

We had a variety of different childminders, some I liked more than others.

I don't think I ever really minded her working that much, but I was aware that it didn't really seem the norm, certainly in primary school.

Now, I'm really glad my mum worked FT when I was a child as I now have to do it too and knowing that I came out of that situation entirely unscathed helps enormously.

I am also beyond grateful that because my mum worked and got a lump sum when she retired a few years ago, that she and my dad have been able to help me and my DH with the deposit for our family home, which we would never have been able to raise ourselves. My parents weren't massively high earners but their hard work during my childhood has given my family stability that has been valuable beyond measure.

my mum is a SAHM. my youngest brother is 13 and she cares for my ill step-grandma.
she has always been a SAHM she wanted to be around for us when we were growing up as she felt she missed out on a mother. her mum worked part to me while my mum was at school right up until the cancer made her too ill. my mum was 8 and was sent away on holiday with family only arriving home after her mum had died. so she wanted to be there for us. she understood why her mum sent her away, and was always proud that she worked, but had a very sad childhood due to the illness.

My parents both worked full time from when I was little. I didn't like it at all. I was always at various aunties and childminders before and after school and during the holidays. My dad worked away monday- thursday for a big chunk of my childhood and i missed him terribly. My mum worked shifts when I was in secondary school so I always came home to an empty house. We weren't rich but money wasn't a big worry and we had holidays/nice Christmas presents etc. They were great parents but I wish I'd seen more of them. Both my sister and I chose to be SAHMs and I do wonder if we were affected by this aspect of our up bringing at all.

My mum was a SAHM until I was in my late teens (she stayed at home with my younger brothers after me.) She was a SAHM by choice and I think she mostly enjoyed it when we were all small but found it unfulfilling as we grew older, though felt she was stuck because she'd been out of the workplace for so long it was almost impossible to go back.

I didn't really have many school friends whose mums didn't stay at home, so I thought it was just the norm that she was always there in the school holidays and to pick us up after school and to attend school plays and fetes etc. I think I liked having her at home, although probably more just took her for granted.

I have happy memories of mum as a SAHP as a child...I have unhappy memories as a teen and an adult seeing her tearfully struggle to escape her unhappy marriage because she has no career and a badly paid job. As an adult Id rather she'd done what was best for her, to work and not be reliant, as a child I loved her being home.

Swings and roundabouts really. My cousin's mum was part time and they have great memories too and she's in a far happier position then my mum now.

My mum did what was best for her family, but she didn't do what was best for her. She put us first which while great in theory has worked out poorly in practice. I love her dearly though.

Dm was a teacher, she would get up early and make our lunches and get to work for 8, Df took us to school and she was there to pick us up from primary school most afternoons (I think we took ourselves home from 8 or 9). We had a very happy childhood, DM is a clever woman, I think she would have been bored at home.

My mum was a single parent. She worked (as a teacher) throughout my childhood.

Now I have a teenager, I do think that being a single working parent makes it more difficult to make time for your children. I have a good relationship with my mum now but I don't remember her being around for me very much when I was a teen. My sister was unwell for a long period, and then my gran (mum's Mum) developed dementia.

I work full time, but mostly from home, and I think being around has made a difference as my own children enter the teenage years. I have a much closer relationship with my DD than I did with my mum at the same age and I am sure this is nothing to do with me being a better parent, it's just that I am able to be there for my kids in a way that my mum simply couldn't.

Mine went back to work when I was about 4 or 5. She was (and still is)an incredible person. She worked in a sewing factory before having children and the day my little brother started school she caught the bus there and talked the management into taking her back on a part time basis, school hours only. They'd never had a part time worker before (this was the 1960's). She proved herself and after that they took on many more part timers.

She has spoken in the past of how depressed she became at home with two small children and how she needed some form of stimulation outside the home. She was always home just before us though so I suppose we didn't really notice the difference.

I do remember there were times when my grandmother looked after us during the school holidays but when we were old enough to be left we relished having in the house to ourselves.

I've always been a WOHM but when my DS was about 6, DH was quite ill and was off work for about 5 months. We took the decision that we would both cut back to working about 30 hours so that we could share the school pick ups and drop offs. It worked brilliantly for us. I did go back full time for a few years but DH never did so there was always someone around after school.

My mum returned to work when I was a few months old because I think she enjoyed work and also they needed both incomes. She worked in the city (though not in a particularly well paid job) and later moved jobs so that she worked locally. My grandmother looked after us or my aunt and mum took it in turns to look after each other's children. It worked well and we never felt we were missing out. My mum made a point of getting really involved in school fundraising so that she kept up with what happened at school. My sister and I had a good role model in both parents. Not working is not an option. It was also just assumed that we would work hard and go on to uni etc (even though both parents left school at 15 or 16 ) and I have gone back to work after both children because I like to work and also because I want to keep my skills up and earn my own money.

Wow I'm finding these fascinating...so I think we are being made to feel guilty at the moment about the impact of our choices on very young children (if you work, you aren't there for them, aren't at school events etc...if you stay at home, you're not modelling ambition, demonstrating sharing domestic chores etc when they are at a very impressionable age) but reading these responses makes me think that this reflection doesn't come till later...like mid to late teens? That's when we start it question/rebel? (I know that's when my sister accused my Mum of being a kept woman, in effect, because she earn her own money...) So I suppose I'm thinking all this focus on the impact on pre-schoolers of whether their Mum works or not might actually be blown up out of all proportion? I just don't remember Mum being at home, I really don't, so would it have made any difference to me if I was somewhere else being cared for by someone else?

Two sahms here... Lovely childhoods both of us.

My mum went back to work when I was a few months old. Despite what the Daily Mail will tell you, neither DB or I have been emotionally damaged. I can't think of anything we missed out on, and I've grown up having the confidence to travel the world and achieve what I want professionally. Additionally, I think my DB respects women a lot more than many men as he's seen my mum go out and achieve a wide range of things, rather than just "being his mum". If anything it made us better people as we learnt from a young age that the world didn't revolve around us! Some of my friends who had SAHMs have had trouble maintaining relationships/friendships because growing up they were the only things in their mums' lives and they were never told the word "no". Obviously they are the minority, and there are plenty of brats who had working mums, but I do think it's interesting how working mums are constantly slammed for "damaging" children, yet in many ways they provide them with a more balanced upbringing and prepare them better for life (as a generalisation).

TBH though, we need to stop talking about working mums/stay at home mums. If we really must talk about it, then we REALLY need to progress to working parents/stay at home parents!

Mum and dad always WOH. Mum was relatively unusual in this respect at our school (me and brother were both born in the early 1970s).

I can remember feeling really bad whenever mum or dad (usually mum) had to come to school and get me when I was poorly. Not that they ever made me feel guilty. They both came to parents evenings and at least one of them was always at a school event such as sports day. As I got older I felt quite proud that my mum was "different".

Mum has said she regrets not being around more when we were teenagers. She thought that was the time we would have benefited from a parental presence. But I loved being at home alone 14+ after school and in the holidays. She certainly didn't love me & my sibling ringing her at work when we fell out though. Funny, but we can't remember that much.

All told, I think the debates could well be a bit of a red herring suddenly...Our family was just what it was.

My mum was a sahm till we went to school. She was bored a lot of the time I think though we had a generally happy time. She went back to work as a social worker and there was no structured childcare available so we had a series of au pairs and got picked up by friends mums. The good bits- she was one of the only mums in the street with a car so we and loads of friends (whose mums she owed favours to) got taken on expeditions- woods, museums, london etc. We also moved to a bigger house. Also, Dad days- when they split the holidays and we had Dad to ourselves for the day. The bad bits- being the last to be collected from school, as some other poor kid was having a crisis. Till we were allowed to go home by ourselves, probably 10 or so. Having to go to holiday club where I knew no-one. Trying to teach french au pairs english aged 8. Probably the years when she worked part time were the best, although she certainly modelled a work ethic.

Fortunately she has been able and willing to do the good bits over again as nana.

My mum stayed at home, which was fine, and I'm proud of what she did with her life, but I imagine it would have been fine had she worked. The important point is that I never grew up with the impression that I was in any way limited by being female, or expected to do the same. I have a successful career, however I am currently taking a break to be a sahm probably influenced by the fact that as I grew up it was seen as a full time job and a valued role.

Both my parents worked FT and so did all the parents of everybody else.
Well, that's not quite true. But it's close enough.
I grew up thinking of SAHPs as something very peculiar.
It shocked me hugely when I suddenly realised I didn't want to go back to work FT after DC1 was born.
We had a live-in housekeeper who doubled as babysitter/nanny.
My mother was the main earner until I was 7yo, she took early retirement when I was 12 & threw herself into volunteer work.

BestisWest - your mum sounds like a legend!

I think it's a waste of time everyone detailing their own particular childhood experiences of their mothers. Each is unique so can't be compared. I am a cm so know well the affect on children of mum working outside the home.

So.. If the child care is consistent, good quality and the parents get on with and are on message with the cm/nanny/nursery it's all good.

Mums can be sahms and if they would rather be elsewhere they probably should be.

Children thrive in any loving supportive environment.

Children need watching and far far more care as young teenagers than toddlers!

Why are we just taking about mums? Are we letting the daily mail set this agenda?

I am an only child of a full time working mum. Mum went back to work full time when I started school, I believe she was part time before then, but my starting school coincided with my parents split and our moving 250 miles. I don't remember any of it.

I remember my mum not coming to assemblies, sports days etc. I was mildly upset but not enough to be affected. I remember long, wonderful summers spent with my granny and great aunt in a (then) popular holiday spot as they lived there. They were glorious, I don't remember ever missing my mum, I www spoilt rotten and having too much fun! My uncles chipped in to, taking me out for days or having me go to work with them, I loved it.

I have, however, grown up to be a SAHM of four. I am open about having had so many children because I hate being an only child, always have. I had a wonderful childhood but the grass looked greener. Now I'm on it I'm not sure haha! We had holidays, nice things, security, a lovely life. When I was older, 11ish? Mum got a school hour/term time job, and all I remember was different was that she was miserable because she hated it and I was glad when she moved on to one she liked!

I don't think either WOHMs or SAHMs are right, or WAHMs or anyone. Everyone just does the best/right thing for them and their family, and that's all we can do. Children are remarkably resilient and I think we often underestimate them.

pointythings my eldest is only 4...would you say that's true then, that teenagers need you there more to talk? I did talk and talk and talk to my Mum but in hindsight we should have left the house, done some exercise and developed hobbies away from school (would have distracted form eating disorder & bullying), all the talking only turned me into a naval gazer :(