to ask for your childhood experiences of a working or stay at home mother?

[suddenlycupishalffull]

I do not want to start a bun fight on the old debate, what I'm interested in your experiences as a child of your mum working or staying at home. There's so much in the press at the moment about working mothers (link below of latest example), it seems there's a real push to get mothers back to work, and in another thread, another poster mentioned she felt her younger siblings benefitted from their mother going to work through her increased confidence and self-belief. So I wonder what was your experience as a child? I'll go first...my Mum stayed at home but to be fair I really don't have any memories of that magical golden childhood that a SAHM is meant to engender...we had holidays, some big ones, I wasn't aware that we struggled for money though I found out when my Dad died that they were struggling...I'm not sure that I was any happier for my Mum being there all the time but then I knew no different. What was your experience, particularly if your Mum went back to work when she had been at home or visa versa?

www.theguardian.com/world/2015/jun/24/having-a-working-mother-works-for-daughters

My mom was a SAHM. She did work for a few months as a home visitor, but gave it up as we were really too young to look after ourselves yet.

She worked bloody hard in raising me & my sister. My dad...not absent, but a bit immature to be raising kids (they were young parents.) She became an advocate for learning disabled and behaviour-challenged education (sister has Tourettes, ADHD and a host of other issues that really plagued her in school) in a time when these things just weren't on anyone's radar, particularly in our small town. She was on plenty of committees and boards for things like restoring the local park, the PTA, local festivals/faires...she did a lot, while smiling, keeping an impeccable house and making sure dinner was on the table. Now that I'm older I know more about what was behind all of that and of course it wasn't all idyllic Laura Ashley-print bliss, but I only have good memories of it. I absolutely idolize her and I hope she knows it.

Now she's back to work and I think it suits her well.

My mum worked part time and term time. She said she would have liked to be a SAHM completely, but didn't want my dad to have the stress of not having a second income.

I loved it. I spent loads of time with my mum baking, cooking, doing arts and crafts, going to museums, reading and as I got older she was there to take me to things and come to things at school, we'd have days out together shopping or visiting interesting places. One of my favourite things was at 16, I used to have one lesson in the morning on a Friday and the rest of the day free. I'd meet my mum afterwards and we'd go for a coffee and then spend the day shopping. It was lovely. I also spent a lot of time visiting family (with my mum), which was awesome. I remember feeling sad when I had to go into after school clubs (which wasn't very often), as I missed my family and didn't enjoy the weird regimented way that organised childcare is with kids.

My mum did try full time work when I was about 17, and hated it with a passion. She was very depressed, said she felt she had no time for me and my dad or her parents and that she felt exhausted and stressed. She was very miserable, I can remember seeing her crying all the time and she kept apologising saying she couldn't spend enough time with us. It was really upsetting. She's since gone back to working part time and much prefers it.

My mum was at home my entire childhood, and still is now.

We still ate Findus Crispy Pancakes and had shop bought Halloween costumes :)

She wasn't an uber mother type at all! I don't think I had any thoughts on it either way. I honestly don't see any effect at all on me or my childhood.

Fwiw I now work FT with pre school age kids. I don't think it particularly matters what you do.

Oh and I don't remember doing any baking, cooking or crafts with her. Ever.

My mum never worked outside the home.
I am a full time wohp and have been for over a year. I have always had some form of paid job since having the dc's (ds1 is 17).

My mother worked full time but in a job based in the home. She never had time for arts, crafts, playing and I have no memories of her playing with me as a child. I have memories of my dad playing with me and he worked FT outside the home. I work FT as does my DH. We ensure that on weekends we always do something with the kids and they have our full attention. I do lots of crafts, baking, playing with them. I hope they appreciate the time we do have together as we maximise it. I also hope the DC see that working hard is important and that women can do everything men can do.

I resented my mother's working full-time so much that I decided to be a SAHM when my first (and unfortunately only) child was born. I tried various part-time jobs when she started school but there was nothing interesting available so I stopped working, since my husband is a workaholic and luckily for us, money has not really been an issue. In a way, I wish it had been, as I now have an empty nest, a travelling husband and no career, and am depressed and overweight as a direct result. I wish I had trained for a profession such as law, that I could have probably have worked at part-time depending on the school situation. I very much hope my child finds a profession she enjoys but which she can put on hold if she decides to have children and wants to stay at home with them. That is the ideal, to my mind!

It's not too late dumdedumdedum.

Have a look at your local colleagues and the OU. There's lots of directions that your life could take now.

My mum worked ft with erratic shifts and I was like a lost soul. Unfortunately, her mh suffered and we were forced into looking after ourselves at an early age. I'm not sure if the work caused her stress or she was liable to suffer anyway. It might have been as bad if she was a sahm.

Either way, I've made a choice not to allow my dcs to suffer an absent mother. I work pt during school hours and, although it means I don't earn a lot or have the career I am capable of, I have plenty of time to spend with my dcs and make them feel safe and secure.

I'm sure mothers who work ft are able to do this with family support too, as long as they get help with childcare and household duties. That was totally lacking in my childhood.

Honestly? I was bloody glad when my Mum started working. She was a very unsupportive and aggressive parent. Her being at work meant I could avoid her as much as possible and develop my confidence in my abilities.
I wish I'd had a more involved parent, but from the experience of other friends: it wasn't working / not working parents that defined that.

My mum was a SAHM until I was 10 and she was awesome. Loads of time to spend with me, lots of crafty activities, really close relationship. She went back to work and we got an awesome nanny who I loved to bits and am still in touch with and my mum had a brilliant second career which she loved, and gave us loads of financial freedom (deposit for my first flat, came out of uni debt free).

Win/win!

But what's most important is that she did what worked for her and what worked for our family. I really think if she'd gone back earlier I'd have been fine and if she'd wanted to stay, I don't think I'd really be a different person if we hadn't had so much money. What mattered most is that I always felt loved and secure and like she had time for me.

My mum was a SAHM and I knew nobody whose mum worked. We did move around a lot with my dad's job, and I remember that in later years when we were all older (and constantly needed new, different posh school uniforms) she used to get part-time jobs. Looking back, I think it was partly to help out with the money but also because she was very sociable and liked to be busy - she really enjoyed getting out of the house and the companionship.
In my turn I gave up my (very good) career when DC1 was born and stayed at home until youngest was at secondary school, then went back to any old part time jobs I could get after being out of the work place for so long (much to DH's scorn) - which is when I began to understand how my mum had felt. It wasn't until I went back to work that I realised how lonely I had been, and how much I had missed having a few quid to call my own.

My mum was a SAHM as that was the thing then - she hated it really.
She did her duty but patently wasn't a mothering type. She eventually went back to work in a job way below her abilities. She retired when my dad did and became more angry and depressed as my dad's work diddled him out of a full pension and their retirement wasn't very good.
She regretted having not worked in any meaningful way and not having her own pension.

My brother remembers his childhood as idyllic and ideal whereas I was 7 years younger and was around for the depression and retirement phase so remember it all somewhat differently.

It certainly meant I didn't go for the SAHM option when I had DD - I saw what having no career and no retirement income other than a reduced state pension did to my parent's marriage.

I am also like my mum - not a mumsy, devoted to child person at all. I love DD, it just doesn't manifest as over powering mummy- caring-busyness stuff.

My mum used to say "don't make yourself financially dependent on a man" and my dad countered it with "don't make yourself financially dependent on anyone." So I haven't.

My mother was a SAHM when I was a child. I was the youngest so she was a SAHM for quite a long time. She was a loving mother but entirely unsuited to the role of at-home parent, bless her. Her frustration and lack of fulfillment were palpable. She didn't spend her time devising craft projects for us or baking cakes. She couldn't drive so rarely took us on outings. I remember her reading a lot while my siblings and I amused ourselves. One of my siblings is on the autism spectrum, and I know she worried about that constantly but there was very little support in those days.

When I was about 11 my mother returned to work, initially at a couple of low wage jobs but eventually becoming a financial manager. She absolutely blossomed as soon as she joined the workforce and I couldn't have been prouder of her. I know she felt guilty and for some reason thought that I in particular, as the youngest child, was missing out. But I really never felt anything but pride in her achievements and I was delighted to witness her transformation from frustrated and rather unhappy to confident professional woman.

My mum was a SAHM and is now a housewife (we've all left home) My dad has a very demanding career with overseas travel etc so she likes to have no firm commitments so she can spend time with him when he's back. On MN that would be considered to be waiting around for him, but I think it's lovely that they both value their time together so much

She is currently a Homestart volunteer but over the years was involved with the PTA, helping out on school trips etc, and in later years when we were late teens a foster carer.

DHs dad was a SAHD although occasionally worked as a security guard when cash was tight. DH also had a wonderful childhood - their house backed onto the park which was lovely for him. His parents died when he was a teenager but he is grateful for the time he spent with them - his mum was a headmistress and he says she couldn't have risen so high without his dad's unwavering support "holding the fort" as it were. I am of the lovely longnsummers they got to spend together though!

I think the study which shows kids of SAHP are less likely to have "successful" careers puts a bit ofna negative spin on it: I am far from workshy but I am keen to give my kids the childhood I had. Also within our family the role of a SAHP is respected and cherished which makes life a lot easier for me as I never have to defend my choices

Mum worked full time because she was a single parent. I would go straight to my grandparents' after school, until they moved away when I started secondary, from then I looked after myself til mum came in from work. She was - and is - a fantastic mum; caring, attentive, generous.I had a good childhood. I knew money was tight but I never went without the essentials. IIt's only as I became an adult that I realised she has only just finished paying off the debts she accumulated from raising me - 12 years after I left for uni.

I wish I had known, I wish I could have helped. But she wouldn't have let me because she's fiercely stubborn and independent, as am I. I'm desperately proud of her work ethic and her 'make the best of it' mentality. It may have been hard for her but she never let it affect our time together, and I'm very grateful for that.

I only wish she could have progressed in her career. She's bright, very capable, a superb problem solver and a great organiser, but she lacks confidence in her self and never pushed herself further.

My mum stayed at home til I was 10, then worked part-time for a few years, then full-time when my dad was made redundant.

I liked having her home as a child. We didn't do anything terribly exciting - playgrounds, playgroups, meeting up with friends. I remember early childhood as quite a gentle time - lots of little activities and not much stress. I was very pleased that she made it to school plays and performances and sports days. It was the norm to have mums there and i'd have been upset if she haven't (my dad never made it to anything - he was working).

When she went back to work part-time I didn't really notice much change as she was home by 2pm. Little brother had to go to a childminders but I was old enough to stay home.

When she worked full-time it was awful. Partly cause she was so stressed (not least cause she was still expected to do everything round the house) and partly cause my dad was so angry and resentful about her being the main wage earner. Those were bad times, not because of her working but because the family as a whole were lazy and entitled had a hard time adjusting.

I did choose to stay home til my kids started school as I wanted that time with them. Now I work part or full time and its fine - dh and the boys pull their weight (the boys, almost). One of us almost always attends performances etc and I insist dh makes time for this, and covering sick days, if needs be.

My mother was a SAHM, but it was the norm then. It was nice to have her home all the time, but I remember her being quite unfulfilled and always talking about how she never got to use her degree. She was a qualified teacher, but she qualified in England and as we lived in Scotland she wasn't allowed to teach without re-training.

I think she would have liked to work, but wasn't prepared to take any of the downsides. It would have been quite difficult for her unless she had hired a nanny, as there wasn't any childcare available back then.

My mum was a sahm, it was idyllic. She loved it,house felt like a real home,loved the hols and things we did. Blue Peter Sindy bakery anyone?When she went back to work the house felt empty and I hated her being away.

My mum was mostly a sahm as having 4 children made getting childcare nigh on impossible and our nearest family were about 400 miles away. But she did work part-time on things she could do at home or to her own schedule such as private tuition or translations to help with money. We weren't flush, but we always had what we needed and a little spare for the odd day out. I really appreciated that we spent so many days in the garden or on the local beach or doing projects etc.

On the other hand, my dad worked a lot and traveled a lot to look after us all, and I missed him, especially when he missed my birthday (which often happened). I'd love to do as my mother did, but it's not feasible nowadays for many people, since the house price/wage ratio has changed a lot since my parents' day. Plus I'd expect my husband to be a bit more involved than my dad was (no criticism of my dad, he did what he had to), which means I need to earn a bit so he doesn't have to work every hour under the sun like my dad did. We shouldn't forget the other parent (if there is one) in these sahm/working mother debates.

My mum worked full time but was a teacher so not crazy hours (though not always there when I got in from school) and good holidays. My three sisters and I had a very happy childhood (certainly never resented her not being there for things), with a couple of lovely childminders, and I think it made me just assume that working when you have kids was "the norm". I also saw the satisfaction she got from her job, she really loved it.

She told me years later that she'd actually given up work when I was born (I'm the eldest) because that's what she thought she "should" do and then realized that long-term SAHM wasn't for her after the first nine months or so, reapplied and got her old job back. I still really admire her for making the decision to do what was right for her.

I don't remember my mum being at home. She went to work when I was small due to family circs. It never bothered me. I thought it was great she worked. I stayed with my grandma/a childminder and was perfectly happy. She was always around weekends and a big chunk of the holidays (she worked in a school)

I DO however remember her changing jobs to one which involved her working VERY long hours. Although she was still around at weekend and some of the holidays she was frequently out from 9am until 11pm in weekdays with maybe 1-2 hours at home around tea time. I was often left in charge of my sibling who was still in primary school when I was in my very early teens. We lived on ready meals as often cooking for ourselves. Once we were a little older we were left for up to a week whilst she went on holiday without us.

We had a lot of money and frequent holidays as a family but I would have traded them all to not be fending for myself and babysitting a young sibling without a parent for days on end. Although me and my sibling have a super strong bond from it.

It improved in time but the first few years were awful.

My mum died when I was little and my dad was a shift worker so I will share DH's childhood experience.

DH's mum was a SAHM (and continued not to work even when they had both left home - at this point she was in her early forties) and DH is now quite scathing of SAHMs of school age and above children. Mainly, I guess, because he saw his dad take a low paid job after his retirement to make ends meet. I think on FIL's salary it was a massive luxury for MIL not to work well after the child-rearing years had ended but she didn't view it that way - it was her right not to work 'because she didn't want to'. I think there may have been some issues but he doesn't talk about it - I get the distinct impression that she was average at the job at best - convenience food etc. and it didn't make up for the reduced household income.

My mum went back to work PT when I was 4 months old (she had no choice) and was FT by the time I was 1. I had a funny setup in that my (half) sister is 17 years older than me, so my mum paid her to care for me until I started nursery at 3. I can remember my mum taking me to school on the first day, but other than that my childminder did it and I remember feeling sad that I was one of the very few without a parent picking them up. I hate sounding ungrateful though as she was a wonderful mum and I know she had to work or we wouldn't have eaten.

I went back to work PT after DC1 and she went to nursery, but I'm currently on maternity leave with DC2 and can't return to my job as my wages won't cover the childcare bill. Luckily there is plenty of casual contract work I can do with my skills/qualifications, but it is a massive step down. I'm happy to do that and be around for my children's early years.

My mum worked full time, I hated it. Letting myself in, looking after my little brother, not being able to do anything after school with my friends because I had to watch him until my parents came home around 5.30pm.
My MIL too worked full time in retail so my DH spent much of his childhood with grandparents, he is quite scathing of how this affected him, he always felt second best to her work, as she worked in retail there were very few weekends or bank holidays she spent st home.
Of course now that I'm an adult I know my mother had to work, there was no choice but i hated it as a child.
When our own children came along I gave up work and don't disguise the fact that my own childhood prompts me to create an idyllic, storybook childhood for my 2. Maybe it's not realistic, maybe I'm faintly nauseating but I love picking them up from pre school/school. I love that they can have friends over for dinner. I love the baking, den making, paddling pool playing afternoons. It's so far from my own upbringing but im thankful for that.