to ask for your childhood experiences of a working or stay at home mother?

[suddenlycupishalffull]

I do not want to start a bun fight on the old debate, what I'm interested in your experiences as a child of your mum working or staying at home. There's so much in the press at the moment about working mothers (link below of latest example), it seems there's a real push to get mothers back to work, and in another thread, another poster mentioned she felt her younger siblings benefitted from their mother going to work through her increased confidence and self-belief. So I wonder what was your experience as a child? I'll go first...my Mum stayed at home but to be fair I really don't have any memories of that magical golden childhood that a SAHM is meant to engender...we had holidays, some big ones, I wasn't aware that we struggled for money though I found out when my Dad died that they were struggling...I'm not sure that I was any happier for my Mum being there all the time but then I knew no different. What was your experience, particularly if your Mum went back to work when she had been at home or visa versa?

www.theguardian.com/world/2015/jun/24/having-a-working-mother-works-for-daughters

My mother worked full-time. She was constantly stressed and frantic trying to juggle long hours with three kids. I desperately envied kids who went home at 3pm to a calm home and smiling mother.

DM went back to work when her youngest child started school, she was a teacher so was always around for us after school and in the holidays.

DF was also a teacher so childcare was shared between them. I had a childhood like something out of an Enid Blyton book. We lived in a village and felt safe to wander for hours. Looking back, I really didn't appreciate what we had.

DM had a sympathetic head teacher who always allowed time off if one of us was ill and for long term illness (I had scarlet fever) my DGM came to stay.

DM was content to be a class teacher and had no ambition to climb the ladder be a head teacher because her home life mattered more than a career.

I know it was a struggle for them when we were preschool and my DF worked as a youth club organiser and taught adults in the evening to pay the bills.

I was the same. SAHM until youngest started school.

My mother stayed at home until we went to school and then she had a part time job during school hours, term time. I loved her always being there. She died when my brother was 12 and I was 15 and I'm so grateful that we got as much time with her as possible.

mine worked part time when she could, school hours only when I was little. it was lovely coming home from school and being given a snack and having a play before jumping in the pool/playing in the snow (we lived overseas at this point and it was idyllic). She had worked full time before then while my dad was out of work. I really don't have many memories of her at that time, though I do remember her boss (who was enormous) letting me choose chocolates from a large drawer she kept in her office!

Later, when my mum couldn't work for a while, she got quite depressed and fed up. Probably because she had to depend on my dad who is a bit unreliable on money issues.

I think any good quality consistent child care for littie ones say pre 9 is fine. Either with a sahm/dad/ family cm or nursery.

The problems occur if the care is bad or frequently changing or inconsistent.

Kids need parents around far more aged 9 to 15 in my view anyway. These are the years things can go pear shaped and kids need the most support and watching.

My mum was a SAHM until my sister and I started school. She was a teacher though, so we had the holidays off together etc- childcare was never an issue for then. I remember going on some great days out in the holidays!

My dad worked away a lot so we often went to my Grandmother's if we were ill or my mum had to work late or something. Often we had to go into her school for a few hours every day after school- i really don't think that would be allowed now.

I remember it well- it was just normally for us though! Later when we were a bit older she trained to be a head teAcher which then meant we hardly saw her for a few years in term time - but by then my Dad was working more flexible hours. Swings and roundabouts!

Work was very important to my mum- she has told me a number of times she wouldn't have wanted to be a sahm forever, and it seemed to work well for us all.

My mum always worked, when I was little for my grandparents so she would work whist we were looked after by my nan. After my grandfather died and the family business was eventually sold she WOH. It was fine and probably has influenced the way I view working. More importantly it means that my mum has an active life isn't at home mourning her empty nest. When I look at my MIL and Grandmother who were both SAHMs I think that it is then and not their children that missed out. My nan in particular was widowed in her early 50s and just didn't know what to do with herself.... Her children had all left home and her days were empty.

FuckitFay your Mum sounds inspirational.

My mum was a SAHM, I think she would have liked to go back to work but by the time my brother and I were at school she had lost confidence and felt her stenography skills were outdated. She is a bright woman with a good mind but the loss of confidence and resulting social isolation has caused her a lot of problems.

I needed to at least volunteer and keep my hand in doing little jobs to keep me from worrying that I'd go the same way.

Interesting thread... Both my parents worked incredibly hard just to put food on the table at times... The upside was some particular opportunities that brought me which I wouldn't have had if mum or dad had stayed at home. One of those was private education... Also - I was allowed to go to my mum's work and get paid myself to help out, which I loved!

Downsides - every type of childcare possible meant the summer holidays were interminably wretched; I craved being at home, and I saw little of either parent :( though mum delays made it to school for for special events. Also they were exhausted from working so hard at times - there was little energy for us... And we were kids of the 70s so things were different then anyhow.

What I really wanted was the mum who made cakes - and worked! I was proud of my parent's achievements.

I was far less bothered at senior school about where she was... Apart from the fact that we could never do play dates which made me sad and didn't help me socially! I do believe this type if childhood has made me resilient and independent.

This is for me why the ability to work part-time is huge. My children won't get a private education, but they do get great opportunities & I'll be around after school until at least the younger one is at senior school... We will re-evaluate then.

I do feel my career has taken several knock-backs, & I do feel like a skivvy at times, but having had children later anyway... This is less important to me as I've done a fair bit with my life already so I don't feel I'm missing out.

So many swings and roundabouts!

My mum was a SAHM until I was around 14. Most of my friends' mums worked. I remember thinking that they all seemed to have more money than us, and because their parents were both at work during the week, seemed to make more of an effort to do stuff at the weekend. We did nothing. I was even jealous of friends who went to Tesco as a family on a Saturday...

My mum worked. Apparently we went through lots of au pairs when we were really young but I don't remember any of them. I didn't resent her going to work, it was simply the done thing, all my friends' mums worked and I grew up knowing I would work. The thing I resented was the fact that she was also doing all the housework and childcare because my dad was a work addict and taking care of the house was a women's job. But that is another story.

My mum worked full time and I went to various childminders. My parents were separated and my mum had to travel for work so it must have been stressful for her at times. My paternal grandparents lived nearby and I spent a lot of time with them.

Unfortunately my mum died when I was 6 and I have very few memories of her. I don't know if this is because I didn't see much of her.

My mum went out to work (part time) when I was little, and my grandma looked after me.
Tbh i don't really remember it much. I have faint memories of being in my grandma's house, and doing things like making cakes and watering her plants, and I remember walking with her to my mum's office to meet her after work. They're tiny memories, and I don't really have any emotion connected to them at all - apart from feeling glad I have that recollection of my grandma. I certainly have no idea of whether my mum felt fulfilled, or stressed, or anything like that.
Once I started school, my mum was only working in school hours, so it didn't affect me at all.

After my younger siblings were born, she was at home full time. I don't recall any difference in my mum's behaviour, mood, anything that would mark the change. I know (now) that we had less money. I wasn't aware of any big change at the time

It was just how things were.

My mum was an army wife and we moved a lot so work not really an option. She did some cleaning and once had a school hours office job on one of the UK postings. She was a caring mum but wasn't imaginative or prepared to play much. DB came along when I was 7 so I was pretty much an only child.

Mum went to work FT when I was 13 which meant I looked after DB a lot. Not great for the teenage social life.

I think my situation of PT is the best (and worst) of both worlds. My mum wasn't a great SAHM mum and would have benefitted from working.

MIL was at home mainly with a PT office job school hours. DH was not keen for me to be a SAHM mum as he doesn't think it was best for his mum or him.

I make the effort to make my time with DC special and help with school etc far more than my SAHM ever did.

My mum stayed at home with me until I was 6 and worked part-time after that until she retired.

My mum worked 3 jobs. She started the first one at .4.30 am and was back for school run and then worked all day. I don't actually know why she worked so much - I recently found out they are sat on a hell of a lot of savings the mortgage was payed off when I was 4 and dad was in a very well paying job. I hated it. I was never allowed friends around, we never went on holidays, my shoes had holes in, parents were too tired to pick me up from brownies etc. I used to stay with my nan for the holidays who lived down the road as my mum and dad used to take their holidays when we were at school so they could have a break or they went away on their own. They never came to parents evenings, sports day etc as they were so tired. I hated it.

I used to be very resentful of the fact we were poor - pathetic I know but when everyone else has the latest pair of kickers and I had £3 shoes that the sole was flapping it was hard, but when I found out we were very well off I was so upset. They are using the money to go on lots of holidays now they are retired - I don't begrudge them the money and I certainly don't want it now but it stings that my siblings and I had an awful childhood for them to have fun now.

I a SAHM now to my older children because I am so scared to leave them with anyone/not be there for them in case they ever feel the same as I did. I would love to have a career and I'm young enough to start one (33) but I worry so much.

some of these stories are heartbreaking, and so inspirational, I'm amazed at the strength of these mothers, regardless of whether they worked outside of the home or not, some fantastic role models.
Denim that's interesting cos 9-15 is definitely when things went wrong a bit for me, my Mum was at work then but I don't particularly remember feeling unsupported or like she suddenly wasn't there.
DH's Mum also stayed at home but then did part time menial work when youngest went to school, his Dad earned big money & was only around at the weekend. Although he has quite a traditional view of gender roles, his tolerance for mess is thankfully lower than mine so he does more of the big clean ups, does his own ironing etc, all of which his Dad just wasn't there to do.

My mum was a SAHM until I was about 6 or 7 and then she went back to work part-time. I can't remember how many hours she worked but she seemed to be around a lot, other than occasionally being picked up at school by grandparents and I went to a childminder's one summer, which I enjoyed. Otherwise it didn't really make any difference. I do remember that when I was off school sick it tended to be my dad who looked after me, despite working full time. I'm not entirely sure why that was but he worked for a very family friendly company who I think were more lenient with things like that, even though my mum worked in traditionally "female" roles.

However, my mum wasn't happy with her working life. She worked but they were minimum wage, receptionist type jobs and she often commented how sad she was that she was just a glorified dogsbody and would never earn much money. My grandmother used to comment on her "nice little job" which infuriated her. She felt like all she was good for was a "nice little job down the road" and that other women of the same age with careers didn't respect her because of it. I can remember her getting upset over it very clearly and she always encouraged me to go into a profession so if I had children, I had a career to go back to. When I was a teenager she left work to do a degree which I was very proud of her for but I think my grandparents were baffled by it - why did she want to do a degree at that age? Even though she got a first, she still felt like she wasn't respected. I also remember her complaining that when she was at home the next-door-neighbour would try and dump her kids on her or people would assume she was sitting at home doing nothing, even when she was doing her degree because she wasn't "working."

My mum was a teacher but gave it up immediately after she married. My family were Scottish farmers and she threw herself into working on the farm. In those days (1960s/70s) it was not the done thing for farmers' wives to do this. You were expected to stay in the house cleaning and do lots of (perfect) baking. Every resource was ploughed back into the business. Us children were expected to help as well. She was unusual in that she had a university degree. She also never learned to drive. There was always something of 'the other' about our family.
The end result was that we were able to move to a big farm.
My mother never wanted to go back to work outside of farming and I always found that strange. It was in many ways an idyllic childhood but I 'rebelled' and married an accountant and moved to SE England. I worked very PT when my children were little and gradually worked more hours as a SALT. I retrained at 40 as (you guessed it) a teacher the year my mother died.
As a side note my brother died in an accident at 32 and the farm had to go.
I think she felt all the insane hours she worked had all been a waste of time when that happened. What I'm saying is that there is no magic formula but as a child you are very conventional and want your parents to be there for you.

My mum worked in Admin till I was 8 and was then a child minder, which she still does now. I preferred her working in the office though. For the first couple of hours after school our neighbour would look after us and she had cats which I loved.

My mother was a SAHM and I look back on it fondly. It was fantastic always being collected by her and spending a lot of time together at a relaxed pace. It does seem idyllic looking back.

She went back to work during school hours when we were junior school age so was still always around. Once we were at high school, she went back full time nights and looking back she does regret it but couldn't afford to have stayed home at that point.

I don't remember any bad feelings but maybe we were a bit scared some nights both parents were working. However as they needed the money and had our interests at heart I don't see why they would feel bad.

My mum was a SAHM until my parents divorced when I was 4 or 5 and she had to got back to full time teaching to pay the bills.

I don't really remember being at home with her at all. I do remember that she could never come to anything at school because she couldn't have any time off whereas most of my friends had mums who could come. But I love the role model of working that she gave me and like me, she would have been a very bored and frustrated SAHM once us kids were all in school.

I work part time round school hours so I can drop and pick up my DS and be there for events as much as possible. But I know I'm very lucky to be in a job I enjoy that has that flexibility.

The fact that mum worked and we were fine definitely had an influence on me and my sister - neither of us even considered being a SAHM (we both have DC). Simply didn't even occur to us as an option.