My abusive husband

[TheWhiteFlag]

I know Mumsnet is fond of LTB, so AIBU to seek your support? Here's my story condensed into bullet-points:

• Children: 3yr old DS and 4yr old DD. I was a SAHM for 4 years until recently when I started work. My wage: 13K. Husbands wage: 42K.
• I've been with my husband for 10 years. During this time he has gradually become more and more abusive: financially (me no access to money, him taking out secret loans), emotionally (gaslighting, putting me down, manipulation, foul name-calling, sometimes in front of the children), physically (manhandling me, stalking me, tracking me with GPS, waterboarding me), and socially (telling the community that I am a slut, making all the parents at the children's school gossip about me).
• 6 months ago my spirit finally broke and I started an affair with someone from work. This new man has treated me with dignity and respect. For the first time I feel valued. Although I've never lived alone in my life I feel I really ought to leave my husband. I can't take any more. After discovering my affair, my husband has really escalated his abuse. Life is unbearable.
• I have started The Freedom Programme after my new therapist referred me. I am finding it harrowing but helpful.
• My parenting: After postnatal depression and years of being criticized and undermined by my husband, my confidence in my parenting has reached rock bottom. I actually went to citizens advice and said the children would be better off with him, that he was the better parent. In my heart, I don't know if this is true. On paper: he is the better parent: he attends all school appointments, he has excellent family support (I have no family), he's a confident parent, and he can provide a better lifestyle (his income is 4x mine and he drives).

My questions for you guys:

• If I leave and find my own place, giving him full custody of the children - what would be the implications of this? Can he force me to take on more childcare than I am able? (I have zero family support and low income). He's suggesting 50/50.
• If I leave the marital home (only his name is on the mortgage) will I still be entitled to the assets upon divorce? What about spousal maintenance?
• What else should I consider?

What makes you a shit parent?

Do you not feel emotionally connected to your children

or is it because you don't feel you can give them what they need materialistically eg. home, clothes, food?

You are in exactly the same position as my friend. Do not leave the house. He did exactly as previous posters have suggested. He painted it as desertion and left her in a very weak position re contact.

Refer yourself to SS and get their support.

CluckingBelle can you tell me more about life at the refuge? Was it close to the children's school? How old were they? Did you have any family support? How long did you stay there? Did you have childcare? What happened with their dad?

NickiFury Yes I'm still with him.

Please get help. Try and get any evidence of abuse you can. Is there someone at work you can confide in? You need to get out asap and TAKE THE KIDS. Report his abuse to ss and police and they will ensure he gets only SAFE and SUPERVISED contact. I've seen this so many times. Leaving them will end badly for them and you. NO ONE who can aim that level of abuse at somebody else, let alone someone they are supposed to love, should EVER be in charge of a child.

I don't want to sound harsh, but you said the waterboarding happened before kids came along, why didn't you leave him then?

You say you are a bad parent, no, he has made you think you are a bad parent with his constant cruel criticism and put downs, i know my ex husband done the same, he got me to the point where i thought the kids where better off with him because i was so crap, then i thought fuck that, my parenting might not be tip-top but they are better with me than an aggressive, abusive arsehole

Please, please don't leave your kids. So what if you're poor, you will get help. I have no family support and i work, you just do it because you have to, you will get through it.

And, honestly, if you leave your kids with this man i don't think they will thank you for it when they grow up, they will still probably witness domestic abuse when he gets a new partner. You are not protecting them by leaving them with him

Do you not feel emotionally connected to your children

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I suspect the pnd may have lingered somewhat.

PecanThief Did your friend refer herself to SS? What happened?

Can anyone explain what SS would do in my situation?

So if you are still with the man you had a affair with, are you planning on living with him of you leave?

Refuges often have children's workers OP. They always have support workers.

I don't want to sound harsh, but you said the waterboarding happened before kids came along, why didn't you leave him then?

DonVitoCorleone Your question is very similar to:

'Well the lotto draw came out last night, why you didn't play those numbers before the result'

Or at best 'So your phone was snatched out of your hand last night, why did you have it out or didn't keep a tighter grip on it?'

Or at worst 'So you were raped last night, why did you wear such a short skirt?'

The latter part of your post resonates but there's no need to kick someone already down.

OP if social services were involved they would be extremely concerned about your DC due to your husband's behaviour. They may want to take action unless your husband left the family home or you left with the DC. Your husband is already abusive to the DC because he is abusing you and social services would view his abuse of you as serious abuse of your DC.

As long as you are able to provide your DC with the most basic of care for now (and a refuge would help and support with that) then they will be fine with you. If not, then maybe social services may be able to arrange temporary foster care, which they may view as a better alternative than staying with yur husband.

You are not the problem here, your husband is. Please try and understand that you feel the way you do because his years of abuse have worn you down and affected your judgement.

motherofmonster No. I want to live alone for a while. I don't think it would be either healthy or prudent to move from man A to man B. I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to get healthy. That's not to say man B is bad, just that I don't think it would be healthy to rely on man B at this early stage.

The White Flag my children were 8, 2 and 1 when we went into refuge. The one we were in had a large bedroom for each family (you keep all your things in here and have a code lock to open the door), a shared kitchen/diner (this was huge, 2 cookers/washing machines/fridges etc) and a communal living area with TV and toys. There was also an office which was occupied by a 'housekeeper' in the day time who was a women's aid worker who you could go to for help, support and advice. While I was there there were 2 other families (mothers with children) and one single woman. I know that some refuges have small self contained flats, not all have shared facilities. It was in a different town to the one we lived in, but you do get some choice as to whether you want to go to a different town or not.

Now, me and my children have our own home rented from the council, in a town 20 miles away. We are happy and settled here.

Just realised i missed a few questions off. I was there for 4 months. During that time I drove dd1 to her old school. When I was rehoused she changed schools to one in the new area. She has settled really well and has made new friends easily which I was worried about as she can be quite shy.

I left my job, and I don't have any family support. Both my youngest are in preschool now (my middlie starts school in September). I am planning on doing an access course and then going to uni.

The children see their dad, supervised. He is still manipulative and mentally abusive towards me from afar. He has not taken me to court for access.

But you do have his support.
Just for information we were places into emergency housing b&b which was about 10 miles away. We were told it could be up to 8 weeks. We were there 10 days before we got a tempory accommodation offer. It was a bedsit with own bathroom. I had to give up work as could not get childcare. We were in temp housing for 17 weeks. Then i was allocated my own permanent home.
being a single parent i was entitled to income support and CTC. We also had council tax benefit and hb. When we first moved into our new home we also had a one off payment to help towards furnishing it. I returned to work once ds went to school. And qualify with help towards childcare.
it is possible

Are you still seeing the other man and would you like to move in with him? If so does this have any bearing on your decision to leave your kids with their dad?

Info about refuge:

I was there with 3 children aged 1, 4 and 6 for 4 months ish before being allocated a permanent home (housing association).

We had our own (huge) bedroom which contained everything we needed including bedding.

There were 6 bedrooms all together and 4 bathrooms. Downstairs was a playroom, living room and kitchen/diner. There was also another level with another playroom (for children 6+) an arts & crafts room and a laundry room with large capacity machines.

There was a large garden with play stuff for the kids and benches to sit and watch them.

When I arrived there was support Mon-Fri 9-5 but this has since been reduced due to lack of money.

The children attended the nearest school to the refuge which was 5 mins walk and they were made to feel very welcome and settled fine.

Public transport was also easy to access.

The support workers will help you access all benefits you are entitled to and use the phone etc.

The rent is usually paid by housing benefit and you pay a small service charge each week for utilities etc.
If you are working they will go through the rent / HB situation with you. They won't expect any money up front though.

It really was not a bad time for us. I hope this gives you something positive to go on and maybe reconsider even to just give it a try.....

Midori1999 Could social services organise for the children to live with their grandparents? They would be safe there.

I have made the decision to phone social services tomorrow. I am still not confident that I can parent the kids however and will say this.

Love he has ground you down to think he is the better option! He is a fucking abusive cunt! No he would not be better for the children because he is capable of torturing someone! You are best for the kids!
Good luck in getting away!
Of your DH gets all thats coming to him he is a prime bastard!

Or at worst 'So you were raped last night, why did you wear such a short skirt?'

people ask on here all the time "why haven't you left after somebody has done x, y and z" its hardly the same as saying "you deserve to be raped coz you wore a short skirt.

Can someone talk me through what to expect when I phone SS tomorrow?

That came out wrong, sorry. I take your point, it was a stupid question to ask

I'm not sure, but they will prefer them to stay with you if possible, I'm sure and would support you in that. I'm sure they would help speak to their grandparents with you/act as a mediator to ensure they are as supportive as possible.

I'm not entirely sure what will happen when you ring SS, but they will be there to support you and listen to you.

I would be careful if its his parents you want them staying with, as they could help him get access custody, and keep you away from them, it has happened.

His parents (it's his dad and stepmum) are very good grandparents. They have the DC's best interests at heart, I am confident at that.

Before I go ahead and do it, do you guys think it would be a good idea if I sent the grandparents a copy of a discussion I had with my husband today where he basically admits the abuse?