My abusive husband

[TheWhiteFlag]

I know Mumsnet is fond of LTB, so AIBU to seek your support? Here's my story condensed into bullet-points:

• Children: 3yr old DS and 4yr old DD. I was a SAHM for 4 years until recently when I started work. My wage: 13K. Husbands wage: 42K.
• I've been with my husband for 10 years. During this time he has gradually become more and more abusive: financially (me no access to money, him taking out secret loans), emotionally (gaslighting, putting me down, manipulation, foul name-calling, sometimes in front of the children), physically (manhandling me, stalking me, tracking me with GPS, waterboarding me), and socially (telling the community that I am a slut, making all the parents at the children's school gossip about me).
• 6 months ago my spirit finally broke and I started an affair with someone from work. This new man has treated me with dignity and respect. For the first time I feel valued. Although I've never lived alone in my life I feel I really ought to leave my husband. I can't take any more. After discovering my affair, my husband has really escalated his abuse. Life is unbearable.
• I have started The Freedom Programme after my new therapist referred me. I am finding it harrowing but helpful.
• My parenting: After postnatal depression and years of being criticized and undermined by my husband, my confidence in my parenting has reached rock bottom. I actually went to citizens advice and said the children would be better off with him, that he was the better parent. In my heart, I don't know if this is true. On paper: he is the better parent: he attends all school appointments, he has excellent family support (I have no family), he's a confident parent, and he can provide a better lifestyle (his income is 4x mine and he drives).

My questions for you guys:

• If I leave and find my own place, giving him full custody of the children - what would be the implications of this? Can he force me to take on more childcare than I am able? (I have zero family support and low income). He's suggesting 50/50.
• If I leave the marital home (only his name is on the mortgage) will I still be entitled to the assets upon divorce? What about spousal maintenance?
• What else should I consider?

Witnessing domestic abuse is considered 'significant harm' under child protection law. He IS abusing them. He doesn't have to hit them to harm them.

I am not saying this to pressure you or make you feel guilty because I know you feel like you're in an impossible position, but the home environment you are living in is toxic for your children, you need to get them away.

It won't be easy but refuge staff can guide you through the benefits and help you'd be entitled to as a single mother. Help would be available for childcare through tax credits. Even his parents may surprise you. What us important for your children is to get them out of an environment where their mother is being abused and tortured and they are suffering the fallout.

You need to take your children and get out NOW. If you leave them behind you'll never ever get them back.

HE says his parents will stop childcare, he would, wouldn't he?

What do you mean? I've tried to contact his parents but they are ignoring my attempts. Lord knows what he's been saying to them about me.

Have the organisation done a CAADA-DASH (or DASHRA as some call it) - a questionnaire about the abuse?

They have assessed me as high risk, yes.

Welshmaenad I could self-refer to SS? What would happen if I did that? Can you give me some idea?

You didn't set out to hurt anyone - it was an unfortunate by-product if you like.

He says by having the affair, I have hurt the children and broken their home, and of course, everyone in the neighbourhood knows about it. He now looks like the victim and I'm the heartless bitch whore.

you can get childcare and help.

How so? I can't. I'm not on benefits.

Well of course he says that - he wants you to believe you're a vile horrible person when he gets pleasure out of TORTURE?

I don't have a perfect marriage by any means but honestly this has really shocked and upset me. And you think it's YOUR fault? It is not! I can tell you now that if I had an affair my husband would go ballistic and I can't pretend there's not a chance he wouldn't be verbally and possibly physically abusive but no way would he torture me or publically humiliate me.

Witnessing domestic abuse is considered 'significant harm' under child protection law

If I leave, they won't witness it any more.

Having assessed you as high risk, have they referred you to MARAC? Ss are present at these meetings and would open a referral. I'm concerned that, having identified you as a high risk victim, they are not pushing harder to help you access support. Have they discussed safety planning at all?

He broke their home with his behaviour, not you.

If you are no longer around to be the focus of his abusive behaviour, who do you think he will turn on next? My bet would be the kids.

You will be entitled to claim child tax credits. He will have to pay you maintenance for the children. Your kids are old enough for nursery places.

Better to move them with you now than do it later.

What an awful situation to be in

Of course he has made you feel that you could not cope but you have suffered years of abuse and somehow managed to not give up it's just that finally step

He is not a good parent you and your children can be happier do not think for one minute he would not use your children to get at you please do not have that faith in him

How far into the freedom programme are you? It is very helpful for some women but it feels
As though you have to leave asap

As others have said refuge is a safe place if close to home children can still attend their school and your safety and their safety is what you have to think about right now and that is frightening it's easier to think about the practical issues they will work themselves out. It's not going to be easy but you and your children will be safer. please please contact woman's aid or solace

Could not read and leave. You must be on a serious low to consider leaving your children with that savage.

Ask yourself what your children will think when they are adults? It's the role of the woman to get abused and then forced out of their own home. What sort of lesson is that. You need to think about the best interests of your dcs and it is not living with a nasty piece of work. He will be controlling them to his own ends and you will know nothing about it.

That is, to an extent, true. They won't. But abusers do love to manipulate. Even if he does not then turn his controlling nature directly into the children, he will use them as pawns to control you. That is still emotionally abusive behaviour and it will damage them.

Check out the stately homes thread in relationships. It's about toxic/ dysfunctional families

My df was an awful man, who abused my dm for years. It's pretty much fucked me and my siblings up. I am only just coming to terms with it all. I am 46. Please, please do not leave your children with this man

Waterboarding is a form of water torture in which water is poured over a cloth covering the face and breathing passages of an immobilized captive, causing the individual to experience the sensation of drowning.
Bloody hell.

In that case, did I hurt the children by having an affair?

Absolutely not. The only person that is being abusive here is him. Your affair is a symptom of the abuse, not a cause of anything. Your children are too young to even know what an affair is, let alone be harmed by it in these circumstances.

He is literally torturing their mother, so it's not the case that they are not being affected by his abuse. You need to take them out of there for all your sakes.

Good luck, you must be incredibly strong to have put up with this. You're asking all the right questions! I hope you can make a swift escape and things start to look up for you soon.

I very much doubt that a man capable of treating a person the way he treats you would be a good parent to growing kids. OK, so he might do all the public stuff, but is he really there for them emotionally? How would he treat them when they reach a difficult stage and start forming and expressing their own opinions that he can't control?

You all need to get away from him.

I'm concerned that, having identified you as a high risk victim, they are not pushing harder to help you access support. Have they discussed safety planning at all?

What's safety planning?

I was actually promised a phone call from my keyworker from the domestic violence organisation today "sometime after 1pm". I'm still waiting.

If you are no longer around to be the focus of his abusive behaviour, who do you think he will turn on next?

I highly suspect the abuse will be placed on his next partner. I have red flags that he abused his ex although I can't confirm it.

He is not a good parent

I'm finding it difficult to see the connection between him abusing me, and him not being a good parent. When I leave, the DC will no longer witness the atmosphere.

do not think for one minute he would not use your children to get at you

By denying access?

How far into the freedom programme are you?

I've just completed session 2.

lollilou yes that's correct. Then afterwards I'd be lying on the floor semi-concious and he'd just step over me to get to the kitchen and leave me lying there, soaking wet, freezing, hair drenched. This happened before DC.

Fucking hell white flag that's awful. He's really ground you down hasn't he?

Once you leave your children, unless you have a lot of money there's no way you will be able to get residency of the children unless he is clearly directly abusive of them. I bet he will play it as you having deserted the children.

You will lose child benefit and any child related benefits (no matter how meagre)

You'll be paying child maintenance and you bet he will claim it against you (going by your description of their father) I believe the amount is 20% of your salary plus fees to the child maintenance company.

What makes you think he wont transfer his anger to the children, i.e. overly criticising them, bath mouthing you to them, telling them every time they put a foot wrong it's because you are their mother, having unrealistic expectations of them, setting them up to fail so he take his anger out on them by shouting at them or whatever.

Do you expect any contact with your children, if so how do you think you will go about getting it if he refuses to comply?

Leave if you want, don't justify leaving your children as 'the best thing for them'. It's not.

That's just for starters.

I can not start to think how you must feel at the moment and I'm glad your realising that you have to leave but my first thought on you saying you would leave the children with him is how would you feel if it did start getting targeted at them. He is a controlling, manipulating, abusive man. Even if he didn't abuse them now, what happens when they get older and start doing things he doesn't like our start answering back? It does not bear thinking about.
It is not going to be easy but please think about them long term.

Keep. Your. Kids. Away. From. That. Man.

You are a better parent than he has led you to believe.

If you take the kids, you should get financial help, extra to what he decides to (or not) pay for things they need.

It might be worth looking at renting a house? The kids may have to share a room, as they are under 10. But you should get some help with rent and council tax.

If he is that nasty to you (been there, so I know what you are going through), then there is a good chance he will be the same with your dcs.

Where in the country are you?

Your post has really moved and upset me.

You will lose child benefit and any child related benefits (no matter how meagre)

What other child-related benefits are there?

What makes you think he wont transfer his anger to the children

He could do that regardless of where they live? If they came with me, they would still have contact with him. When the children are older I will explain everything to them. I am collecting as much evidence as I can so I can explain myself to them.

don't justify leaving your children as 'the best thing for them'. It's not.

And being with a depressed, stressed, scared and financially poor mother in a strange new home with no family is best for them? As a child of a broken home I know from experience that is not best. With my husband they stay in their home, they still see their grandparents as usual (they are fab and the DC thrive in their care) and they maintain the same standard of living. I can't give them that. I would actually feel guilty taking them.

you should get some help with rent and council tax.

On my income? Is that because of the children?

elderflowerlemonade I'm in the north east.

I would be looking at not allowing him contact at all WhiteFlag, based on what you have written here. I really would.