My abusive husband

[TheWhiteFlag]

I know Mumsnet is fond of LTB, so AIBU to seek your support? Here's my story condensed into bullet-points:

• Children: 3yr old DS and 4yr old DD. I was a SAHM for 4 years until recently when I started work. My wage: 13K. Husbands wage: 42K.
• I've been with my husband for 10 years. During this time he has gradually become more and more abusive: financially (me no access to money, him taking out secret loans), emotionally (gaslighting, putting me down, manipulation, foul name-calling, sometimes in front of the children), physically (manhandling me, stalking me, tracking me with GPS, waterboarding me), and socially (telling the community that I am a slut, making all the parents at the children's school gossip about me).
• 6 months ago my spirit finally broke and I started an affair with someone from work. This new man has treated me with dignity and respect. For the first time I feel valued. Although I've never lived alone in my life I feel I really ought to leave my husband. I can't take any more. After discovering my affair, my husband has really escalated his abuse. Life is unbearable.
• I have started The Freedom Programme after my new therapist referred me. I am finding it harrowing but helpful.
• My parenting: After postnatal depression and years of being criticized and undermined by my husband, my confidence in my parenting has reached rock bottom. I actually went to citizens advice and said the children would be better off with him, that he was the better parent. In my heart, I don't know if this is true. On paper: he is the better parent: he attends all school appointments, he has excellent family support (I have no family), he's a confident parent, and he can provide a better lifestyle (his income is 4x mine and he drives).

My questions for you guys:

• If I leave and find my own place, giving him full custody of the children - what would be the implications of this? Can he force me to take on more childcare than I am able? (I have zero family support and low income). He's suggesting 50/50.
• If I leave the marital home (only his name is on the mortgage) will I still be entitled to the assets upon divorce? What about spousal maintenance?
• What else should I consider?

What would happen if SS got involved?

This is terrifying to read. Particularly because you seem so resigned to the fact that your children would be better off away from you, with someone who seems to take pleasure in belittling another human being.

Please take your children. It will be a short period of disruption to their lives before a new chapter starts - with a more confident and less fearful mother. If he only directs abuse to you as you say, he will continue that after you have gone if you leave the children with him - he will likely use them to get at you. You clearly love your children and are trying to put their needs above yours - but I feel your perspective is skewed thanks to his abuse.

You have the option to get away, dive in and take it.

Phone the police now about the water boarding and get the bastard arrested.

Please chase up the local domestic violence service - do this tonight / tomorrow if you can as they mignt not be open over the weekend.
They are over-stretched I imagine due to lack of funding but you need to keep on at them!

I really would re-think the whole refuge thing. I have not long moved out of one myself and it was nothing like I expected and my children quite enjoyed it tbh!

I sympathise with the whole childcare issue - it can seem overwhelming when you are not used to having the children 24/7. This doesn't make you a bad parent!!!!

I had to give up work as I totally moved away from my ex and once it was only the children I had to focus on, I was a lot calmer and able to handle everything so much better. I will go back to work at some point. That's what worker for me anyway, just putting it out there so you see you have options.

Once you are actually living in a refuge it will be much easier to access support. Please rethink it....

Re: the children, I can't spell it out enough:

I'm not a fantastic parent.
I'm poor, depressed and stressed out of my head.
I have zero family support - no parents, nothing.

The thought of being left to parent alone terrifies me. I'm not that strong. I know that makes me a deserter. I know I should be ashamed of myself. I am, believe me.

You can't leave your children with him...the best possible outcome of that is that they spend the rest of their childhoods watching him terrorise his next partner, that's not a safe childhood and there is always the possibility that he will do it to them, just because he hasn't done while you were there it doesn't mean he won't once you're gone.

My DSIL was in a very similar situation to you - abusive DH; she had an affair; he fought to keep the DCs; she left and let the DCs stay with him. Her DCs are now adults and still struggling with the fall-out from her decision. They felt abandoned by their DM. Their DF was unstable and although he never treated them as badly as he had treated DSIL, it was a very unsettled home. Their grandparents also provided much of the childcare and couldn't resist the opportunity to be very negative about DSIL.
In short, choosing to leave your DCs behind with your DH will have far-reaching negative implications for them.

DSIL has tried to rebuild relationships with her DCs. It's not as simple as saying your DF was awful to me but I thought he'd be better at caring for you. They felt abandoned and it's impacted every relationship they have had since.

DSIL also continued the affair and they very much felt she left them behind to build a new shiny life with her lover.

You are arguing the DCs will be better left behind. I just wanted to show the naivety of that position.

Ok so early on in the freedom programme stick with it

I do not know what he would do to your children but when you first met him did you ever believe that he would abuse you the ways he does I doubt it

It is not safe for them to stay with him that is the truth he is an abusive person you are not, depressed and lacking in your own ability after years of abuse that can change and will change his abuse won't

A broken home can be awful but certainly not always as a non broken home is not always wonderful.

What you can give them is unconditional love and peace in your home (which may take a bit of time) they will not have this with him they do not have this now if he gets a new partner it will happen again or worse he will take out his anger on them

a few points -

If you leave your children with this sorry excuse for a man chances are the abuse will pass over to them. Even if he is not physically hurting them i think you know by his ability to tell the entire town a pack of lies about you that he will subject your children with a bombardment of ' mummy didnt love you enough to stay' mummy never wanted you enough' its mummy's fault she left you and now i am having to cope' is this really how you want your children to be raised?
What sort of values to you think they will be passed down by a man who feels it is acceptable to torture and batter his wife. to hurl abuse at her in front of his own kids?

As for the practicality's of it. And im sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but i think you need a kick up the arse into action so to speak.... you need to take matters in to your own hands.

You have came on here and managed to ask good questions and look for advice.
Now what you need to do is go on to google and start looking for local solicitors who offer legal aid in your area.
You need to go onto your councils website and find out there policy on emergency housing.
You also know how much you earn. go on to a benefit checker website. this will tell you how much help you are entitled to. If it requires housing costs guess from what is currently advertised for rent in the local paper or estate agents.

Your Children are under 5 so you will be entitled to free childcare of 15 hours at nursery age, and this is set to rise.
If you dont think you can cope with working right now as your childcare is unstable then that is also fine. As a single parent you will be entitled to Income support until the youngest is 5.

You need to find somewhere safe in the house and start collecting the following into a bag -
Passports, Marridge certificates, Birth certificates, copy of bank statements, saving investments, bill providers. any spare money you can get hold of.- if you cant manage this then try over the next few weeks to buy tesco vouchers £5 at a time(lie and say you are saving up for christmas) Change of clothes for you and the kids, Spare mobile charger, Phone book, medication or prescriptions.

In other words you need to start taking control and planning and plotting.
I know, i have been there. through womens aid, then having to turn up and the council, emergency housing, and having to cope with no support.

You can do this. The reason why you dont think that you can is that this is what you have been conditioned to think so that he remains in control.
Being on your own can seem scary... But it is also empowering, thrilling and can make us realise that we are more capable than what we thought because quite simply we have to be.

Ask yourself honestly, if a female friend was going through this and told you she was going to leave but not take her kids what would you think?

I was depressed as hell before I left my abusive ex. But it was his behaviour that made me like that. I didn't have clinical depression.

Getting away was like a huge weight was lifted. My kids lives, and mine, improved immeasurably.

You will be entitled to child tax credits plus childcare element if required. You'll get housing benefit and council tax benefit.

Get back in touch with WA and make sure you get all the help that is available.

Please don't leave your children with him. It doesn't matter how much evidence you gather and how much explaining you do in the future - he will have bad mouthed you so much and fed them a heap of lies. It will not be that simple.

In short, choosing to leave your DCs behind with your DH will have far-reaching negative implications for them.

Taking them will also have negative implications. It's a no-win situation.

I truly feel that (at present at least) I do not have the competence to do anything other than basic parenting. Admitting this is not easy. I'm getting counselling and I'm on the freedom program so my confidence is likely to grow in the future, but right now I am in no fit state to be custodial parent. I apologise to those reading this who might feel offended.

Its not just as easy as thinking you can explain everything to your kids and they will understand when they are older.

They will feel abandoned, like you don't love them enough. And you obviously do. It will taint your relationship forever. Please think this this through and do all you can not to leave them.

No practical advice, but good luck, you will leave him, you don't need family around. Him having family does not make everything rosy and mean your kids should live with him. They clearly shouldn't.

If he is capable of treating you so so shoddily, then hes capable of anything. Anything. Please do not leave without your kids - it will be so hard to get custody if you do, and will taint your relationship forever with your kids

"I truly feel that (at present at least) I do not have the competence to do anything other than basic parenting."

The point though is that basic parenting is less damaging than living with an abusive parent, even if it's not aimed at the children.

Taking them with you will have negative implications - yes agreed, but not half as bad as leaving them. Its like jumping ship - you cant do it. Basic parenting is better than abusive parenting. Think of the future, you cant claw them back, your ex will bad mouth you, and not let you have custody. You need to get your fight back and you have come to the right place because we know you can do it. You found the strength to post here, so let that strength grow

You think you're a shit parent. Then turn it round and do the best thing you could ever do for your children and get them away from their father. They need you, you are the person who can protect them, give them safety, security and love.

And you're not a shit parent by the way, you've just been brainwashed into thinking it.

Once you and your children are away from him, it can only get better.

Good luck

Taking them will also have negative implications. It's a no-win situation....

I thought this, i thought i was terrible for even considering putting ds 3 at the time through the b&b, refuge/temp housing. It was no where near as bad as i thought or as long. DS Cried when we left as he wanted to stay where his new friends were. Now he has no memory of it.

I honestly didn't think i could look after him.
But when left alone without a cloud hanging over me, i stopped second guessing everything which i was conditioned to do because nothing i did was ever right.
He relaxed as it was a calm atmosphere, he florished. So much so that my heart broke watching it as i never realised how withdrawn he was when we were back at home with my xh pretending to be a family and i felt gutted i hadn't had the courage to leave sooner
I learnt how to do things, just like everyone has too.

You think because you are looking at this from a view point of someone who is in the depths of despair and emotional abuse.

The reason why so many are trying to tell you otherwise is that they have been there and come out the other side

I know this is frustrating for you all, but he is a decent parent. He's just a really, really bad partner.

I am however a shit parent, but a decent partner.

The kids need a parent.

If life is that bad with him (as it sounds like it is) then do not leave them there. Don't get yourself out and leave them behind...get them out too. You think you are the worst option, but you're not. You are not abusive. You love them enough to be considering leaving them because you (mistakenly) think it will be better for them. For now, that is enough. Get you all out and take all the help you are given.

Ok OP, so say you leave them with him. Two years down the line he moves some poor unsuspecting woman in. He does the same to her. Your children witness it, again. Less damaging than you taking them with you? I don't think so.

Want them to grow up and enter similarly shit situations, believing it to be normal?

Why do you think you are a shit parent?

I am not going to push you into anything but I will ask you - nicely - to stop saying he's a good father.

Good father means a good person, and good people don't torture their spouses

Registered specifically for this post. OP you've been very brave already, and put up with far more than any person should ever have to, but please be brave a little longer and take those children with you.
I grew up with my father abusing my mother. It didn't matter how much she tried to hide it from me and my siblings we knew. We saw and we heard and we still loved them both. She got away with us eventually and never stopped us seeing my dad, regardless of her own feelings towards the man who violently attacked her on many occasions.
He then got a new partner, had another child and he did the same thing to her. And I saw that too. I was young and it seemed normal to me for my dad to treat his new girlfriend like that. As I grew I really came to realise what my father was.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that even though you try your hardest to hide your hurt and shame from your children, you can't always.
It doesn't matter that he has more money and can drive and can give them everything they want. What they will want is their mother. Please trust me when I say that.

Quick question about this wonderful parent -

Do you think if you leave him with him that he is going to - Do everything he can to support the relationship that the kids have with you.
Explain to them with nothing but kindness why you are not there without saying negative things about you?
Not use the kids as a weapon to hurt you with? Not try to emotionally blackmail the kids to turn them against you?

He's not a good parent. You have to be a decent human first. Treating another human that badly is inhuman. That he can dwitch it on/ off means it is deliberate and calculating.
You will be entitled to tax credits as a single parent. My ex did cut off internet etc. I opened my own account. It did not take long.
Does his parents know he has tortured/ try to kill you? I don't think anyone hearing that would want him around any children. Call the Police.

WhiteFlag reading your story makes me so sad. Please seek all the legal counsel you can before making any abrupt decisions. Please make sure you know and understand all the implications of any action you want to take before doing so.

From the questions you ask the only thing you seem certain of is that you want to leave the kids behind which I don't think is going to be for the best, for them or you.

Your H is abusive and a criminal. No amount of money, family around or fancy cars and houses will make up for growing up with that type of man.

I really wish you the best.

No, decent parents don't abuse the mother of their children, they don't expose their children to abuse, they don't make them the subject of gossip among their friends' parents as part of their own agenda to shame their mother.

He's not a decent parent.

Confidence does not make up for the fact that he doesn't care about their welfare, if he did he would never have exposed them to any of that.