My abusive husband

[TheWhiteFlag]

I know Mumsnet is fond of LTB, so AIBU to seek your support? Here's my story condensed into bullet-points:

• Children: 3yr old DS and 4yr old DD. I was a SAHM for 4 years until recently when I started work. My wage: 13K. Husbands wage: 42K.
• I've been with my husband for 10 years. During this time he has gradually become more and more abusive: financially (me no access to money, him taking out secret loans), emotionally (gaslighting, putting me down, manipulation, foul name-calling, sometimes in front of the children), physically (manhandling me, stalking me, tracking me with GPS, waterboarding me), and socially (telling the community that I am a slut, making all the parents at the children's school gossip about me).
• 6 months ago my spirit finally broke and I started an affair with someone from work. This new man has treated me with dignity and respect. For the first time I feel valued. Although I've never lived alone in my life I feel I really ought to leave my husband. I can't take any more. After discovering my affair, my husband has really escalated his abuse. Life is unbearable.
• I have started The Freedom Programme after my new therapist referred me. I am finding it harrowing but helpful.
• My parenting: After postnatal depression and years of being criticized and undermined by my husband, my confidence in my parenting has reached rock bottom. I actually went to citizens advice and said the children would be better off with him, that he was the better parent. In my heart, I don't know if this is true. On paper: he is the better parent: he attends all school appointments, he has excellent family support (I have no family), he's a confident parent, and he can provide a better lifestyle (his income is 4x mine and he drives).

My questions for you guys:

• If I leave and find my own place, giving him full custody of the children - what would be the implications of this? Can he force me to take on more childcare than I am able? (I have zero family support and low income). He's suggesting 50/50.
• If I leave the marital home (only his name is on the mortgage) will I still be entitled to the assets upon divorce? What about spousal maintenance?
• What else should I consider?

This is such a tough situation, I see where you are coming from about the kids op and it mist be hard for you to justify leaving them with him when he is abusive.

However, if ss get involved the decision of where they live may be taken out of your hands, they may end up in care, especially if you have been deemed high risk by the domestic violence assessment. They are going to want to know about the sort of man they are living with.

I take it his parents have no idea of his abuse towards you?

Also to add on to rainbowdash's post.

One of the strongest memories that my cousin has is sitting in the toilet with the door locked listening to her dad beat her mother.
She remembers sitting on the loo with her feet dangling in the air and her fingers in her ears.
She remembers not understanding why her mums eyes were always watering when she smiled.
As she got older it passed on to her, by this point her mum was emotionally drained from years of abuse that she couldn't stand up for the kids when it started happening to them.
It was ok while the kids were young and daddy's little princess, but as they got older and started to think and speak for themselves there father, used to being in control used the only way he knew how to control his children.

She is grown up and a mother now herself.
We have spoken about it alot, she went through hell as a young adult because she didn't understand what a loving relationship was like so she just continued that cycle with her partners.
In a moment of honesty, not long after her mother (still with her father) passed away she told me that although she hated her father growing up. She hated her mother more for not saving her children from him

motherofmonster he's likely to bad-mouth me to them, but he would do that regardless of living arrangements. I'm sorry that I brought these poor children into the world.

flora717 His parents don't know. And they are ignoring my attempts at contact. I am considering writing them a letter and giving it to them after I leave.

Have you considered the very real possibility that without you to control and abuse he may well turn on the children you would have left behind?

You need to take them with me and trust those who have said you will soon be strong enough to be the good parent you need to be! I believe you are already but it will take a while for you to feel the same.

You cannot leave them with an abusive man!

Why would you leave the children with him? You don't need another man, you need to stand on your own feet and be independent.

I know you can't see this but there is no way he could be a good parent if he has done even one of the things to you that you have mentioned. Maybe you can't see it now but I'm sure he will become abusive in some way to your children, it's possible he is already you just can't see it because he has broken you so much. Waterboarding is commonly used as a torture technique, does that not tell you something about him.
Re the grandparents I'm sure if you got custody they would still help as they would want to see the kids.
You will be entitled to WTC and CTC to cover approx. 70% of childcare costs possibly more if you are working and you should also get housing benefit and help with council tax.
I have no idea what you are going through and have no doubt it is very difficult but please get as much help as you can and do not leave your kids.

My exSIL works part time and her c£20k was hugely topped up by benefits when she left her H. That despite the fact he was very generous with child maintenance. Having the kids over 50% of the time is fundamentally important here. I am no expert, but do check out every aspect of your decision. Lots of advice here. He sounds horrendous. Please don't leave your kids with him...once you are all safe you will slowly find your self esteem. X

I've just phoned the DV organisation. They're chasing up the solicitor.

You can't leave the children. Better the initial disruption now and flee to a refuge than to leave them with a man who has water boarded his wife and will no don't emotionally or physically abuse them as time moves on.

Who has told you you're a shit parent?

Is it him?

Do you leave your children. Once you have left them it is very unlikely you will get them back. It will also minimise the DV as people will question why you felt it safe to leave your children with him.

Get the children, pack some things and get out. Get Women's aid to find you somewhere to go. Anywhere will do for now. Once you're there call the police and report him. You absolutely must get his crimes on record.

Should say do not leave your children!

OP look at the entitledto.com calculator. You childcare may be paid for. You could find a childminder or a nursery.

He has ground you down to feel you are a bad parent. I can categorically say you are not and I don't even blimming know you! Ot is a product of the extreme stress you are under. Please get womens aid and social services involved to help you leave or kick him out. And by you I mean you AND your kids.

Do you have a DD? What if a future partner did this to her? If is horrific.

You will heal once you get rid of him but please please do not leave your kids at risk.

You are a good parent by realising the way he treats you is NOT right and wanting better for yourself and by extension your kids.

Oh, WhiteFlag. Of course you don't feel like you are a good parent. Anyone in your position would struggle holding down the most basic of responsibilities. You are being emotionally and physically abused and your confidence is so low as a result. You're depressed. Please, please listen to the advice offered on this thread, and try and understand that your children will never being truly safe and well living in that house with that man.

Try and look at it metaphorically, separate from your own situation.

Would you trust a thief to look after your most prized possessions? Someone who you know has stolen from many other people, but has never stolen from you?

Would you let someone else, a child minder or nursery staff, look after your children if you know they regularly beat the shit out of their loved ones/colleagues/friends?

You are in a very, very difficult situation. You have got this far, which shows immense courage on your part. So many women in your situation don't even get to the point of asking for help. Please believe me that you are obviously brave.

You must seek advice from a solicitor who can advise you on building a case against your husband. If you can, as discretely as possible, try and collect evidence of his financial abuse, but don't put yourself in any danger. And please, the next time that bastard lays a hand on you, let alone waterboards you, call the damn police.

Best of luck to you OP. You will always find support here.

*feeling you are a bad parent is a by product of the extreme stress youre under

He's manipulated you so much you can't see the wood for the trees.

Your dc need you. No one else. Certainly not an abusive arsehole of a father. He's made you feel like you're a shit parent and that you can't do it on your own, but you can and later on your children will thank you for it.

They are so little now that if you go into a refuge and get help to start over they won't even remember any of this, or if they do it certainly won't have any impact. What will have impact t however is if you stay with their dad or you leave them with him - he sounds like an awful parent.

Yes it's scary starting over with no support, but what you're proposing - to leave without the dc is scary for everyone and will damage your children.

Your dh should be in prison or under a restraining order not getting custody of the dc.

Some fantastic advice. Do not give him custody, whatever you do. Do you want an abusive twat responsible for the most precious things you have. He will make it hard for you to see them again, you will most certainly loose them

I will most certainly loose them. I'm starting to realise that. My mind is currently of the notion that they would be better off without me. I recognise this mindset is probably a product of the abuse. I envisage experiencing a lot of regret in the future. All I can do right now is live in the present - and at present, I truly believe I am not fit to be custodial parent.

Www.entitledto.co.uk

This is not your fault

Yes it is my love, as they would certainly not be better without you. He has twisted your mind and made you feel like that. Imagine what he woukd do if you gave him full custody, you would be signing away your parental rights to him, you will seriously regret ever doing that. Your children would be heartbroken . Glad to see your accessing help

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and I'm glad to hear you're trying to get help. I know it's hard to believe, but that's his voice in your head telling you that you're a shit parent, that you're not fit to look after the children. He's done this to you. Him. It's not your fault. And please don't leave the children with him, he sounds like a monster.

I have been in refuge with my children. They loved it! It was like a big adventure for them, they had bunk beds and live - in playmates.
I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are stronger than you think you are. Whrn you are still in the abusive.lrelationship you can not think straight. It takes some time but from the time you leave the fog will gradually start to lift and you will start to rebuild your own self.You say you have no family, do you have friends and a support network where you currently live? Did you know that if you go into refuge you are able to apply to any council/housing association, you don't have to have a local connection. You and your babies could relocate anywhere in the country and have a fresh start. You will be able to claim income support until your youngest is 5, and will also be eligible for tax credits, housing benefit and council tax benefit.

Please please don't leave without your little ones. From what you have put I can see that is what he wants, not what you want. They will need you in the months and years to come, and you will need them just as much. Have faith in yourself. Good luck.

You're not a shit parent but you will be if you leave your children with this man. He WILL turn on them, he just will that's how it works.

Can I ask if you're still with the man you had the affair with, is that now a long term relationship?

I'm sorry for everything you've been through I hope you find the strength to get your children and yourself out of this terrible situation.

Then you are condemning them to an absolutely appalling childhood, whether he does eventually turn his abuse onto them or onto his next partner.

I'm sorry. That sounds like I'm saying its your fault and I'm not. I know you're ground down and you are so low that you're not thinking clearly. But you must understand, this man is a dangerous psychopath! Water boarding ffs! What happens when your daughter turns into a precocious ten year old and gives him a mouthful of cheek. Will he do the same to her? Can you stomach that thought? Surely, everything else to one side, you cannot take that risk.

You said you can foresee that you'll regret this decision later. Grab onto that thought with both hands and push forward. The way you feel just now is temporary. Calm will be restored, sooner than you think, and you WILL see that removing your children from this animal was in their best interests.

You are not a shit parent. But you don't even have to be a great parent right now. You just have to be good enough to recognise that staying with this man is not in any way in the best interests of your children. Once you have taken your children away from this man, you will see this. I promise.

and much strength to you.

You keep saying your a bad parent because you are poor.

Honestly, do you look at people in low wage jobs and think 'you are scum who can't be a good parent?' Im pretty sure you don't. It's just years of abuse makes people think funny (if you see what I mean), and belief all the evil hes laid on you.

You also say you are a bad person because you are depressed, sad, falling apart. That's not a marker of a bad parent, it's NORMAL to feel like that when you are living a life of terror and torture. It's NOT normal to be ok with it, or uneffected by it. It shows he is a monster to be evil enough to pretend to be happy and stable when he is warped and a torturer.

Put it this way, who is a better person and parent in this situation: a family who are in a war camp. Mother & children, mother gets tortured, starved and oh yes, water boarded. She is falling apart. But she loves her children through it all and remains as strong as she can for them. Or the prison guard, the one who does the torture, gets a kick out of his power and breaking others. The man is sick to the core, a devil with a smiling face. But he ruffles the kids hair as he passes on his way to give their mother a battering.

So, who is a better person in that situation? Who would make a better parent? If the woman escapes the camp, should she leave her children for the evil predator to have? Or free them too?

Say she leaves them in this prison camp and the guard brings them up. How will those children turn out? Fed, yup, watered, yup, and a steady flow of poison and evil whispered into their ears. Their eyes open to the daily torture he does to others.

In case you can't see where I'm going with this analogy. The children end up broken & damaged. They end up getting a kick out of the torture themselves, and join in. They turn into tortuters and killers themselves. Or they learn that this is what people do to women, it's ok to break them, to hurt them and rip them apart. So that's all they think they're good enough for as well. And join their mother as the prisoner being tortured and don't think they're even good enough to escape.