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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want husband to sound a bit more chuffed by my surprise weekend plans for his 40th birthday?

165 replies

ilovelamp2 · 25/06/2015 13:34

Spent last few months sorting out a nice night on the town for just the two us, restaurant, comedy gig, taxis, baby sitter. Followed by an over night stay for us and our 4 year old in a lovely hotel in Leeds , train tickets, canal boat rides, restaurants booked, lovely family room so we're not all sharing. Have also arranged for whole of his family (from other end of the country!) and best friends to meet us at his favourite restaurant for early dinner on Sunday - he doesn't know about this bit yet but wondering why I bothered.

I sent him an email today with a link to what looked like some boring holiday insurance for our hols in August but really it was an online invitation/itinerary type thing for his 40th birthday celebratory weekend. His response? "Sounds good :). See you tonight." Phoned him on mobile and he didn't even ask any questions or make any comments about it - just repeated 'yeah, sounds good.'

Am I being unreasonable to be cross that he sounds a bit non-plussed? Feel like crying, I am so disappointed. I just wanted him to be excited about it all and now I'm half worried that he won't enjoy it and half furious that he isn't more bloody grateful!!

OP posts:
midnightvelvet01 · 26/06/2015 06:17

I don't think you made an error of judgement, I think you have planned a thoughtful fun weekend centred around him and have put a lot of effort into it and have had it thrown back in your face. I can understand your knee jerk reaction about cancelling it.

Has he ever mentioned Edinburgh or the races to you?

Original poster
ilovelamp2 · 26/06/2015 08:46

No. Him being a miserable git is going to ruin it. He is still grumping this morning. He has never mentioned races or Edinburgh.

Yes, Lambbone - I wish now that I had done that but I haven't.

The hotel stay is in another city by the way, just not Edinburgh. We already live in a great city and are having a grown up night out tonight there.

I just want him to snap out of it and enjoy his weekend. I have offered to change it to Edinburgh and extend the babysitter but he said absolutely not. I am more than happy to do Edinburgh another time - I do like Edinburgh!

I can't really do this but I almost wish I could just go with DD and my mother! I know what he's like. If he doesn't get out of his mood, the weekend will be all tense smiles and trying not to row.

I could send him a nice/jokey text today saying how much I'm looking forward to tonight but I would like him to do that to be honest. I tried being bright and cheery thus morning but nothing has changed with his face.

OP posts:
springalong · 26/06/2015 08:57

I think you sound hard work. My ex would do this- organise a great big surprise day out and then throw wobblies when I wasn't as grateful he thought I should be. They were HIS ideas of what I should want to do.

Perhaps stop jabbing for a reaction now.

Bakeoffcake · 26/06/2015 09:01

I would hate someone to organise something like this for me, my DH knows this though so wouldn't ever do it.

I know lots of people who hated being 40, maybe he just wanted to spend the day at home, having a quiet day or maybe he just wanted to be with you. Whatever the issue is, he's obviously not spending the day how he wanted to. You only sprung this on him yesterday, by email, so give him a bit of time to get used to it. It's HIS birthday and he's allowed to feel a bit dosappointed if that's how he feels.

Bakeoffcake · 26/06/2015 09:05

"I don't think you made an error of judgement, I think you have planned a thoughtful fun weekend centred around him and have put a lot of effort into it and have had it thrown back in your face. I can understand your knee jerk reaction about cancelling it."

Maybe HE does want to do the things that have been planned for him? Is he supposed to just suck it up because his family have decided what he'll be doing on his birthday?

You planned a surprise, it hasn't gone down as well as you would hope. Accept that, apologise and move on. I do hope you all have a good weekend but it doesn't sound like you will if you don't forgive him for not being eternally grateful.

Bonsoir · 26/06/2015 09:08

Maybe he doesn't like the sound of your ideas for his birthday? It's his birthday, not yours!

BitOutOfPractice · 26/06/2015 09:11

Hello OP. I also want to give your DH a kick up the backside

And why are you getting all this flack here? I mean, what a bitch you are for saving for, planning and organising a lovely weekend for your ungrateful DH's birthday. Horrible woman Wink

I hope he snaps out of it and you have a lovely time

Bakeoffcake · 26/06/2015 09:15

The OP is getting flack because she's insisting her DH jumps up and down thanking her profusely, whilst wearing a massive grin in his face for hours on end.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 26/06/2015 09:15

God he sounds tedious. Ok so it's not what he was hoping for but if I had such specific ideas for my birthday I would perhaps mention them especially as knew the OP was planning something.

I would be quite tempted to not go if he carries on what a waste of money.

grapejuicerocks · 26/06/2015 09:21

He'll have a nice time later. Accept you made a mistake and let it go. You can't keep trying to make him more enthusiastic. He's entitled to feel how he feels. To begin with he said "sounds good" until you kept prodding for a better reaction and he said what he really feels. Leave the poor man alone. You'll stand a better chance of having a nice time if you let it drop and just get on with it. Part of it is probably the turning forty. It is a huge milestone and he probably isn't even properly aware of the emotional impact it is having on him.

BombaySapper · 26/06/2015 09:22

OP, I really sympathise. Your plans sound lovely and your DH should be happy.

I hope I'm wrong about this and maybe you can rule it out straight away (in which case you might feel better) -- but my DH was grumpy and weird the year he turned 40. Turned out he was having an affair and the grump was his guilt coming out.

Hopefully there are no other warning signs and he's just being ungrateful.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/06/2015 09:23

No she's not bakeoff. She hasn't said anything of the sort. That's what a lot of people have decided though

I think she'd like him to show a normal, adult level of enthusiasm - something like "Oh thank you love, that all sounds great! Thank you for doing all the planning" with a hug and a kiss and maybe a nice chat with the DC about what pizza they will order etc.

Not to throw a strop and be an ungrateful grump.

Not once has she said she expected confetti cannons and undying devotion. Just something more than "fine".

It seems like sometimes, an OP could solve world poverty and there'd still be some people criticising fgs!

CainInThePunting · 26/06/2015 09:28

Hi OP, I hope you are ignoring the cats bum faces you are getting on this thread. Some people get a kick out of taking their problems out on others.

It was a lovely thought to organise the weekend including a meal with family at his favourite restaurant and maybe it isn't what he was expecting/hoping for but he needs to lighten up, take it for what it is - a lovely gesture and make the most of it instead of sulking like a petulant schoolboy.

It will be alright in the end, I expect he will enjoy himself when he gets there.

If not, leave the bastard! Kidding Grin

cuntycowfacemonkey · 26/06/2015 09:28

Only on MN could planning a nice weekend away for someone be seen as selfish, controlling and needy. If I posted a thread tomorrow saying my friend has bought me a gift I hate it and is it OK to be pissed off with her I would get my arse kicked for being entitled and rude and would be told to suck it up and show some appreciation for the thought that went into it.

Tizwailor · 26/06/2015 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/06/2015 09:31

Exactly cunty it's like a parrallel (no idea how to spell that but you get my drift!) world here sometimes!

OP I'll come with you if he doesn't put his face straight soon!

Bakeoffcake · 26/06/2015 09:33

Bit, the OP has mentioned several times that in her opinion he's not smiling enough.

Also his first response to her email of "Sound goodSmile, see you tonight" wasn't good enough either.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/06/2015 09:44

Yes. And I agree with her. She expects him to crack a smile - a real one, not a smiley emoticon - and say he's looking forward to it. A normal, adult reaction to a lovely surprise I'd have thought

Can you point out where she says she expects him to "jump up and down thanking her profusely, whilst wearing a massive grin in his face for hours on end" please?

annielouisa · 26/06/2015 09:46

Is he usually an excitable chap or a man of few words? l am sorry it's not worked out as you planned . l am sure you put so much work into it but did not get the response you wanted.
Maybe he thought you would be having a romantic night away not one that involved your DD. The wine and pizza could have been done at home with her sleeping in her own room.
I hope it goes ok l just think you had different expectations of how you wanted his Bay to be. When you got his initial response you knew your surprise was not quite the weekend he would have liked.

midnightvelvet01 · 26/06/2015 09:47

Its normal isn't it to recognise the effort & thought that the OP has put into it? Even if its not what you wanted to do would you not just say 'thanks darling, what a lovely surprise' .

He's not even being neutral about it he's grumping about it ffs.

annielouisa · 26/06/2015 09:48

Blast auto correct I meant b day not bay. Should have put birthday l rubbish at abbreviations!

Jackie0 · 26/06/2015 09:50

Springing a surprise is a huge gamble.
I honestly don't know anyone in RL that would do it.
You can plan, pay for and organise a fabulous treat for someone but it starts with asking them what they would like to do.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/06/2015 09:52

I do it. My DP does it for me.

Even if I was a person who doesn't like surprises, I am a grown up and it is the polite thing to be pleased and grateful for a pressnt. Not throw a sulk about it

2rebecca · 26/06/2015 09:57

Agree being grumpy is unreasonable but he's maybe worried if he pretends to be delighted you'll believe him and do it again.
I would hate a surprise party. If I am looking forward to a quiet weekend I wouldn't be delighted if my husband had booked a non-stop itinerary for me especially if there was a big extended family dinner attached.
If you work then weekends when there is very little planned can be the height of luxury.

Bakeoffcake · 26/06/2015 10:12

Actually maybe the ops DH is being "grumpy" because the OP obviously isn't happy with his reaction, maybe this is what is pissing him off more than the surprise he didn't want.