To want husband to sound a bit more chuffed by my surprise weekend plans for his 40th birthday?

[ilovelamp2]

Spent last few months sorting out a nice night on the town for just the two us, restaurant, comedy gig, taxis, baby sitter. Followed by an over night stay for us and our 4 year old in a lovely hotel in Leeds , train tickets, canal boat rides, restaurants booked, lovely family room so we're not all sharing. Have also arranged for whole of his family (from other end of the country!) and best friends to meet us at his favourite restaurant for early dinner on Sunday - he doesn't know about this bit yet but wondering why I bothered.

I sent him an email today with a link to what looked like some boring holiday insurance for our hols in August but really it was an online invitation/itinerary type thing for his 40th birthday celebratory weekend. His response? "Sounds good :). See you tonight." Phoned him on mobile and he didn't even ask any questions or make any comments about it - just repeated 'yeah, sounds good.'

Am I being unreasonable to be cross that he sounds a bit non-plussed? Feel like crying, I am so disappointed. I just wanted him to be excited about it all and now I'm half worried that he won't enjoy it and half furious that he isn't more bloody grateful!!

[JovialNickname]

Hi OP

Could it be that your DP is feeling a bit depressed about his 40th? Not because of anything to do with you, but just because maybe he feels "over the hill" and that his youth is behind him? (Stupidly, obviously-life begins at 40!) That might explain why he's so gung-ho about the lads weekend.

What you have planned sounds absolutely lovely, really. But (without meaning to be awful) maybe a bit "old"- unless you know he really loves the things you have planned. Canal boating? Lovely but not exactly a gift for the young at heart. Maybe he's just struggling with the idea of getting older a little x

[Aeroflotgirl]

Dh has his 40 party coming up, and does not want any parties or social,occasions as he does not like it, if I plan it, it woukd be what I enjoy, not him, so no point really. Think I will get a babysitter, and go out for a meal with him and cinema. That is what he woukd like. No, dh is quite serious and is not the whoopie do kind of person.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Meant 40 birthday not party doh

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

OP, that sounds just so lovely and thoughtful!!

You have absolutely every right to feel a bit off about your dh's reaction. Is he an excitable character by nature? If my DH did this for me, I would bouncing about the place with joy. He would have a very similar reaction to your DH.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

But jovial, the OP balances family stuff stuck as the canal trip, with a babysitter booked, restaurant and comedy gig

[cansu]

I think you are right to be annoyed. He is being ungrateful. I would be tempted to ask him straight out if he would rather do something else as the whole thing has cost lots and been a nightmare to organise. What does he do when its your birthday?

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

My DH is a bit like this. Generally quite sweet but not really appreciative when I go out of my way for him. I like treating him and caring for him because I love him but it really sucks the joy out of it. He cares for me in the important ways but isn't great at reciprocating this effort stuff either. Makes me sad.

[ilovelamp2]

Back from parents' evening thing. He seems a little more interested but only just. I feel like I'm trying to cajole him into excitement - quite disgusted by myself really. Why do I feel I need to do that?

He says he's not bothered about turning 40 but I guess he could be....

He is 'sucking the joy out of it' that is exactly how it feels.

I asked him outright over tea if he would rather do something else but he just keeps saying no, it's fine. Fine. I might believe him if he bloody smiled. Anyway DD is very excited about sleep over at granny's and the train journey to a hotel. That has cheered me up.

Thank you to everyone who has said it will be lovely - really hope so - that was the idea!

I've told him that this isn't his present and that it's all paid for in case he was worrying about finances. He is off work tomorrow so hopefully will get his head around it and look forward to our weekend. Really hope so. Feel like crying (and screaming!)

[littlejohnnydory]

YANBU. I planned similar surprises for my dh's fortieth and was so excited about it and so was he when he found out. I'd have been so upset if he hadn't been pleased. He surprised me with a trip away on my thirtieth too and I was really pleased.The planning of a trip away is a pita in my opinion, not having to think about it was part of what was so great.

[ilovelamp2]

Thanks liitlejohnnydory - he does hate organising things! I don't think I'll be trying this again anytime soon. My 40th next year. Whatever he plans I will be delighted with (within reason!). Or perhaps I'll let him plan it for months, look forward to my reaction then just shrug and say "Whatever!" Only joking (mostly.)

[ilovelamp2]

No kvetch. It is more important to me that he has a nice time or I would not have bothered. The surprise part was not for my gratification but to save him from organising anything. I am worried that he won't have a nice time because he is in a bit if a grump. For context, he can be grumpy sometimes but I do not like it and tell him so!

[ilovelamp2]

I have suggested he looks at the hotel website. He just did. Said it looked fine. Seriously considering cancelling it. We will have a row if he is in a grump and I am trying to make him happy. It will be a waste of money either way so might as well stay home.

Should I cancel the family meal too? Might not be able to actually as relatives are already on their way ... When he was thirty I told him we were going to this restaurant but then took him to the venue for his surprise party - all his friends were there and he loved it. Still talks about what a great party it was. He also jokingly talks about how he was dissappointed that he didn't get to go to his favourite restaurant. So I thought it would be sweet to book it this time! Already dropped cake and table decorations off at the restaurant. Now worrying that the grump will not lift and I'll have to cover for him in front of friends and family. Why is this so complicated? Smile. Say thank you and talk about what a great time we're going to have, pack a bag and then just enjoy it (Yes, even if you're feeling a bit dissapointed/controlled or whatever). Why is this so difficult?

[mrsmalcolmreynolds]

Really don't cancel it, that's totally cutting off your nose to spite your face and effectively punishing him for not being excited/enthusiastic enough! He hasn't said he doesn't like it or doesn't want to go, even when directly asked. IMO if you cancel you will be making it about you.

[BuildYourOwnSnowman]

Sounds like he doesn't want to turn forty. Not unusual behaviour from my experience of people turning an 0

He hasn't reacted with enough gratitude and excitement so you are threatening to cancel - that's petty.

My dh expects me to act like an excited puppy and will often comment if he doesn't think someone has been grateful enough. As far as I'm concerned giving is not about you!

You will have a great time once he's relaxed.

And maybe he had a crap day at work and it is weighing on his mind. Give him a break.

[Momagain1]

It's very easy to work yourself up, with any gift, but especially one you had to put so much effort into. Since you told him not to make plans, he may well have worked up a vision of what you might be planning. Even if he likes your plan, there is, in his mind, the disappointment at you not planning what he convinced himself you were. Or even a bit of mad that you missed HINTS and ignored CLUES.

I bet, if someone could be bothered, it would take about 2 minutes to find a thread where someone has come on moaning AIBU to be grumpy that DH didnt plan what I was thinking of, and ignored my totally (not) obvious hints? Trying to be polite, but I think he knows I am not quite as happy as he expected.

[ilovelamp2]

Yes. You're right. He did have other ideas. Apparently he thought I was taking just him to Edinburgh for the weekend and then he thought we were going to the races. He hasI have offered to change it and really want to. Huge row now. I am not being petty by the way. It upsets me even more that some people think that. I am just trying not to make any more of a mess of it than I already have. It is a big birthday and I want him to enjoy it without wishing he was doing something else. I shouldn't have told DD either because now she will be upset if I change it. Totally sick of the whole thing.

[BuildYourOwnSnowman]

Ah well that is different. How odd that he had such a specific idea. It isn't on to be stroppy about a surprise because its not what you had imagined it to be - if he had such set ideas he should have told you in the planning stages rather than expecting you to read his mind.

I did wonder if dd being there might be part of it. I know dh wishes we could do something just the two of us more often, and more than me!!

So having changed my mind from my pp then just leave it and let him stew. He should realise he's being silly. And if not, well you and dd have a lovely weekend in Leeds coming up!

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

Oh dude, I really feel for you. I hope you get it sorted out.

[ilovelamp2]

Thanks Build. I think that is part of it. We do have a mini break booked for Oct and thought he would know that our budget (without naughty cards) just won't stretch to camping, two weeks in Greece AND another mini break before then. He obviously thought I would just stick it on a card or rob a bank or win the lottery. He says that he will have a nice time so hopefully it will be fine (or even better, great.) I have just about stopped crying - just feel so exhausted and increasingly cross with myself for doing the whole surprise thing. I should have just said, we can't really afford doing x so how about y or even z instead.

[Momagain1]

I think I will never attempt such a surprise. What a mess.

[ilovelamp2]

Me neither momagain. I want to open the posh wine I've bought him and drink it all.