School Trip / Homesick - not allowed to stay second night

[facedontfit]

First AIBU don't be harsh am feeling a bit delicate

Daughter (Year 6) is on a school 2 night residential trip. Last night I had a phone call from headteacher at 1.05 am saying daughter couldn't sleep and could I come and collect her, spoke to her on the phone and she was tearful. Collected her and she was fine spoke excitedly about the day and was looking forward to the following day and staying the following night. Said she had been feeling homesick.

Took her back at 7.45 this morning and was told she could do todays activities but could not stay tonight. I was to collect her this evening Daughter devastated, burst into tears. I tried to put my case that she wanted to stay, she was being punished for being homesick and marginalised. Daughter said she won't get homesick and is desperate to stay. HT said she had made her decision. She stayed two nights last year with no problems. In school letter about trip it says you will be asked to collect if homesick but does not say you will then not be allowed to stay 2nd night. She has had a difficult time at this school over the last year and am worried that this experience isn't helping her.

HT says she doesn't want another night like last night. A number of children were still up at midnight (including daughter) having toast and biscuits. Isn't this all part of the school trip? Feel this has ruined the trip for her. Have left her there in tears.

AIBU to think that she should stay the second night? What can I do?

How do you go on with these contracts if you don't drive?
Can you just not send your child on a trip because they might need collecting and you might not be able to do that.

I'm a single Mum, low working income, can't drive, no night trains where I live and station is an hours walk.

In an absoloute life or death emergency I could wake a relative to come and take me. But not for a homesick child.

If year 6, what time would the staff start settling them for the night? 8-9pm? If about four hours after bedtime a child is still showing no signs of settling despite all efforts (and most likely that'll mean two staff are up and working on it for safeguarding as pp mentioned) you either have two staff who have to stay up with the child all night, or you send a sobbing child to try and cry herself to sleep alone whilst disturbing a room full of other children. Not many caring adults are going to go for that one. Or you do as the child is insisting and call parents as the final option.

It sounds like you feel the staff should have sat up all night with her, lost their night's sleep but never mind, and then carried on supervising kids all day. Oh and be glad to try again tonight with a good open chance of losing a second night's sleep with her, since she obviously can't promise not to be homesick again. But much better that than hurt her feelings?

YABU.

Your dd is going to have to realise that not everything can revolve around her and her needs and feelings, and unfortunately so are you. She wasn't able to cope to the level expected for all the children and it caused disruption, so it isn't fair to everyone else on the trip to risk her having the same impact on the entire group tonight. Come the next school trip she can have another shot.

I still feel she is being punished as she is having the "fun" sleepover taken away from her which she desperately wants to do.

I'm not sure where 'punishment' comes into this. Surely, if your dd was so inconsolable as to need collecting in the middle of the night, you wouldn't want her to get into the same state again tonight would you?

I have several friends who are teachers or Cub/Brownie leaders. The last thing they want to do is be phoning parents at 1 in the morning! They are perfectly well experienced in dealing with homesick children so this sort of parental call-out is a last resort. Quite honestly, I think you are lucky she was allowed to return to do the daytime activities today. But I can absolutely see why the teachers aren't prepared to risk a repetition of last night's drama.

she is missing the fun sleepover as she didn't like it, was crying and desperate to come home! Her choice, her behaviour, she wasn't having fun!

To call a parent at 1am then the child is either a) so inconsolable after several hours of attention from the teachers that no one other than a parent can deal with it or b) she had misbehaved so badly that the only suitable punishment was to wake up her parent at 1am and demand she be taken home.

In either case, she could not stay the following evening.

Yabu. Why should a teacher and other children be disrupted for another night all for the sake of one child. Your dd proved to be homesick so they had that to go on. How would you have guaranteed an uninterrupted night for the others. I think it was very fair of them to allow her to still participate in the day's activities and not stay the night.

Lights out was at 10.30.

People appear to be making assumptions. She did not misbehave (I asked). She was not upset/disrupting/crying for hours. Everything was going well until after the toast and biscuits.

If the letter states that parents will be called to pick up homesick children, and your daughter clearly proved to be homesick then what the issue? Why should they take the chance and go through another night knowing the probability of it happening again is very possible. Your child isn't the only one on the trip and the poor teacher must be exhausted after a full day today and might not want to deal with it again.

So you still feel staff should have stayed up with her as long as it took and taken no notice of her saying she wanted to go home?

And that they should be prepared to do all this again tonight? The HT has said she doesn't want another night like last night, which presumably means it was an unpleasant experience for everyone concerned? It still sounds as if you expect your dd's wishes and feelings to be the central concern of everyone on the trip no matter what impact they have?

it doesn't matter when it went wrong the fact is it went wrong enough for whatever reason that the teachers in their professional judgement decided that your dd's requests for you had to be followed through - and presumably dd did realise that by going home homesick at 1am she would be jeopardising her chances for the rest of the trip -at year 6 those consequences should be a given.

I just don't get your point OP - we've all pretty much agreed school did all they can and have been kind in letting her come back - what do you think should have happened

Seeing how DD was when you picked her up do you agree they should have woken you to collect her? If not that is the point to raise surely? If so why on earth would you want to subject her to it again?

In your honest opinion OP do you really believe the teacher got your DD up, gave her biscuits, listened to her grumble a little and then called you on a whim at 1am? Really? And you wanted to do this again the following night?
How about 'thanks for sitting up with my DD till 1am, I hope you were ok to look after the other children the following day'

Like I said way back OP, you have decided YANBU and it seems, despite being gently told that you are, you have made your mind up already.

Really, what was the point of posting? To get validation?

Op.... I'm sorry but YABU x

To all the posters that have suggested distraction techniques... she had them. What else do you call her and the rest of her small group (who would have been either distressed at seeing her upset, or who would have started becoming homesick too!) staying up til midnight with a teacher there, then having a treat of biscuits and toast that the rest of the sleeping year weren't allowed? Yes she probably did calm down a bit during that time. But if she kicked off again after that at 1 am you cant blame them for finally thinking enough is enough and calling you.

As she was clearly very distressed the first night she is obviously not yet ready to stay away from home overnight, which is why for everyones sake she should not sleep there again. I think she was lucky to be allowed back for the day activities as really if you opt out of a trip, you opt out.

I remember when I was a young teacher having a girl who was acutely homesick. I was up all night with her, on and off, and I had to have a full day at work the next day. I had no children of my own, I wasn't used to disturbed nights and I couldn't have done a second one.
Her parents collected her, they were not too pleased but they didn't blame the staff. She had worked herself into a real state with a sick headache and in the end she went in the car still in her night clothes!
YABU

One of my DSs was useless at staying away from home. We often got a phone call to collect him. We did it without fuss. Gradually he got better and it wasn't a problem.

I'm sure that some people think that teachers are robots! How else could they manage an exhausting school trip on no sleep?! ( of course I forgot teachers are having a free holiday )

Yabu she must have really been kicking off for them to call at 1am. Tbh I'd have been pretty annoyed at having been disturbed and not allowed her to go back . I think they were very accommodating and have to draw the line at the thought of a second unsettled night.

Oh dear, well if your dd had been at our school she wouldn't have been allowed to come back at all - if the parents are called and the child removed then they have essentially given up their place.

I think the fact they let her come back for the second day's activities is enough.

Either your DD was so homesick she needed to come home - in which case they made the right decision not to risk the same scenario the next night.
Or she wasn't actually that upset - in which case she has learned a valuable lesson about crying wolf.

Sorry OP - I think you should be supporting the school here.

My DD is awful staying overnight away from home. I tend to pre warn anyone in charge that we are prepared to pick up if necessary. She just about managed two nights on her year 5 trip, due to a fabulous teacher, (I think dd started crying and that set others off too, but they all slept eventually) but dd commented 'the days were fab, but the nights were terrible' I don't think she wants to do the year 6 one. It will be something she just grows out of in time.

I think probably the key part is your dd was disturbing everyone else. Having one child start crying can easily lead to others joining in. Teacher will also want to sleep. I don't think they should have called you at 1am, but if your dd was making a scene they perhaps felt that they had no choice. Those saying distract etc, I would imagine they had tried been sympathetic and then had tried being firm. If the child was still keeping everyone awake they probably didn't have much choice. I would tbh be quite cross with my dd. She has probably learnt her lesson by being refused permission to stay. It might seem harsh but look at how much disruption and drama has been caused.

Please read what everyone has said. Now she is home, it is not fair on anyone for her to attempt another night. Home she comes tonight and you make no drama out of it - just what a shame, rules are rules. She has to learn the world does not revolve around her. And give the poor teachers a break.

Bloody hell! We used to do 4 day residentials with Year 6 to the other end of the country!

We have never, ever sent for a parent to collect a child! If one was homesick we coddled cared for them till they go over it.

If one child is upset at night do all the teachers stay up? If one, or a few, get up at 5 am do all the teachers get up? Maybe the teachers need to work out a bit of a rota so they all manage to get some sleep. Might help them cope. Mine is taking a group of year 7s away next week, I must mention this strategy to her.

Mind you she was the one with a late night phone call when she was in year 5, think it was about 10 pm and a chat with mum soon settled her down. The next night she was too tired to bother being homesick.

OP my tip for kids who get homesick is an ipod or something similar with stories on. Never had any problems with her after that even though she had problems with bullying that made things difficult for her. She was in her own little world and nothing bothered her.

What if she had other homesick children to tend to aswell? It was 1am, most likely been a long tiring day for which they receive no extra pay.
Despite all these posts you clearly don't think yabu so it was a pretty pointless OP.

I don't think that you can have encountered a child like the one that I had NannyOgg! You were lucky.