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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Trip / Homesick - not allowed to stay second night

156 replies

facedontfit · 25/06/2015 10:02

First AIBU don't be harsh am feeling a bit delicate

Daughter (Year 6) is on a school 2 night residential trip. Last night I had a phone call from headteacher at 1.05 am saying daughter couldn't sleep and could I come and collect her, spoke to her on the phone and she was tearful. Collected her and she was fine spoke excitedly about the day and was looking forward to the following day and staying the following night. Said she had been feeling homesick.

Took her back at 7.45 this morning and was told she could do todays activities but could not stay tonight. I was to collect her this evening Daughter devastated, burst into tears. I tried to put my case that she wanted to stay, she was being punished for being homesick and marginalised. Daughter said she won't get homesick and is desperate to stay. HT said she had made her decision. She stayed two nights last year with no problems. In school letter about trip it says you will be asked to collect if homesick but does not say you will then not be allowed to stay 2nd night. She has had a difficult time at this school over the last year and am worried that this experience isn't helping her.

HT says she doesn't want another night like last night. A number of children were still up at midnight (including daughter) having toast and biscuits. Isn't this all part of the school trip? Feel this has ruined the trip for her. Have left her there in tears.

AIBU to think that she should stay the second night? What can I do?

OP posts:
MemphisBella · 25/06/2015 12:35

OP: AIBU?

Majority of responders: Gently, YABU, sorry.

OP: No, I'm definitely not BU.

If they're adamant that she can't go back, why don't you pick her up and have a fun evening at home with her, maybe your own midnight feast and sleepover in the living room?

She'll have plenty of other opportunities to stay away overnight, just not this time due to her own choices made last night.

QuintShhhhhh · 25/06/2015 12:36

I reckon they were not really supposed to have "fun" at midnight, or after 9 at all!

I think your daughter needs to reevaluate her behavior on this trip!

(I have two children, aged 13 and 10, both have been experiencing overnight camps, away several nights, from the age of 7 and 9, both school trips and other camps, and I would have expected to pick them up if they were not behaving or settling down to sleep, or if they did not have regard for the teachers/leaders (and their need for sleep) who would have to look after them the following day.)

angstyaunty · 25/06/2015 12:37

I wouldn't worry about her homesickness as being a sign she won't 'cope with the world.' I was so homesick on my Year 6 (4 night) camp that I vomited with anxiety for the entire first night. I begged to be allowed home and the teachers refused to contact my parents. (Because I was vomiting due to stress rather than an actual illness Hmm) The days were fine, the nights were hell for me. I refused to go on another residential until Year 9, and my DPs supported that without any fuss.

I was sufficiently secure by Year 11 to spend 6 months in the US as an exchange student.

Had I been forced to attend camp against my will, I'm pretty sure my confidence would have been destroyed rather than enhanced, and my fab experience as an exchange student would likely not have happened.

Some young people take a little longer than others to feel happy away from home.

That's not a precursor of dire adult failure Confused

DamnBamboo · 25/06/2015 12:38

So a child was unwell, and so everybody got up and had toast and biscuits! This sounds farfetched and completely at odds with bedtime rules on a residential trip.

AccordingToOurRecords · 25/06/2015 12:40

I wouldn't be cross with the teacher/school but I would be cross with your daughter. ' it's not fair' no, neither is life at times! Consequences to actions etc.

Sirzy · 25/06/2015 12:41

Them dealing with a child who was ill is very different from making out it's some sort of planned jolly.

I would guess (from previous residential experince then) child woke up feeling ill, staff dealing with, your dd woke upset so they used toast and biscuits to calm them both. Other child felt better went to bed your Dd still not calming so you were called.

Original poster
facedontfit · 25/06/2015 12:43

There were about 8 children having the biscuits and toast.

OP posts:
redskybynight · 25/06/2015 12:45

I'm a brownie leader and have taken girls on many residentials. I've only once sent a girl home - and that was because she was so homesick that she cried and cried and was a jittery mess despite all the distraction and other techniques we used to try to calm her down. Eventually (and it is eventually, you hope the child will get over it) we rang mum to take her home and the girl came back the next day. No way on earth would I have kept her for another night on the off chance that she might be fine that time round.

Heels99 · 25/06/2015 12:46

Your dd was obviously distressed and wanting to go home. The biscuits etc are a red herring. She went home. The only way to guarantee that won't happen tonight is to stop her from staying over. So that's what is happening.
She has learned a valuable lesson here. If she can't do one night away from home without tears, distress, needing to go home, phone calls at 1am then she is not ready for another night away.
She will get other opportunities when she is more mature. Does she do guides they do lots of trips etc.

Hulababy · 25/06/2015 12:53

Why were 8 children out of bed having toast with a teacher at midnight though?

I have NEVER known that to occur on a school residential, even at secondary, let alone primary.

I also think that your child must have been really upset for them to resort to calling you. In every trip I've ever known of that would be seriously the last resort.

reni1 · 25/06/2015 12:54

Whatever the reason, your dd has demonstrated very clearly she's not ready to stay overnight. She won't have made such a developmental leap today to be ready. Re-visit next year.

vvega · 25/06/2015 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 25/06/2015 12:56

You must see that it isn't reasonable to ask them to risk another big homesickness drama, surely?

It's very egocentric to prioritise your dd's POSSIBLY being okay over every other child and adult on the trip...

momb · 25/06/2015 12:58

Brownie leader here too.
I have sent a girl home with severe homesickness, let her come back next morning and stay the next night. Just once. never again.
She was up in the leaders' room being 'calmed' until 2am the first night (before collection) and then 1.30 the next night when we ended up having to rejig all the rooms so that she was not disturbing any children but was not alone with a leader (safeguarding). It was a control thing; she was unsettled so took control by being inconsolable all evening ad demanding our attention. Her Mum had told her that if she came back she had to stay: she couldn't control her Mum so switched to us.

Since then if we send home (which is pretty rare) they can come back for daytime but not overnight: once the pattern is set then it stays.

No down time for three days/2 nights was exhausting.

momb · 25/06/2015 12:59

Sorry: YABU, based on my own experience of kids' residentials.

Gibble1 · 25/06/2015 13:11

I am a Cub leader. We had one cub who would come on camp nearly every time. He would be absolutely fine until bed time at which point he would crumble. He never once stayed overnight with us. He got to the point where he would start get aggressive and worked up in the days leading up to camp.

We have just recently been on camp and we had a tent with 5 girls in. They woke at 2:30. And talked all bloody night. They could be heard across the entire camp site so the 5 girls kept >100 people awake all night long.
This people were then expected to go off looking after other children, administering insulin and other medications to kids. Participating in activities such as archery and fire lighting. Cooking on open fires and using knives.
There were a lot of very cross adults the next day and some very tearful children.
Nobody minds people having fun while we are away but it is NOT fun being awake all night when you are exhausted. Especially when you have to then look after lots of children the following day. After all, you can't just stop all the activities because you're tired.

Sandbrook · 25/06/2015 13:13

Late to the party but I agree with pps.

If you're dd was fine until midnight and you got a call just after 1am, she/they didn't do much to help stabilise the situation or your dd just demanded to go home.
I would have spoken to dd on phone to calm her down first.

Either way it is a valuable life lesson for her,
A)she acted up for attention and got the desired result
B)she was homesick and now the emphasis is on working on the problem.

I would also agree with the teachers, they can't take a chance for a repeat performance so they have set a precedent now. The other kids in the class have witnessed this also and may be less inclined to shout homesickness whether real or not

Heels99 · 25/06/2015 13:16

I think your dd was lucky you were prepared to take her back today. Many parents would have said you wanted to come home, now you are home, you will miss the rest of the trip.

leccybill · 25/06/2015 13:18

If Head phoned at 1. 05am, what time did you arrive? Obviously you had to get up, dressed and drive there.
In the meantime, teacher is waiting up with distressed child, and probably thinking how little sleep they'll have now due to the first wakers at 5am/6am.

I'm a teacher and I'd have def said no to the second night. And as a parent, even if the school said yes to it, I'd have kept her at home to give out the message that a 1am shock phone call is an exceptional thing and not to be taken lightly.
Tbh, I'd have been cross if she was chatty and upbeat in the car on the way home. I'd have said be quiet and go to sleep, we'll talk in the morning.

PerspicaciaTick · 25/06/2015 13:24

And please... don't let your DD pick up the message that "As an adult, I do not feel doing X is in your best interest" equals "punishment", she needs to learn that " no" is not a punishment.

The HT was trying to protect your DD, the other children and the staff - not punishing anyone.

Nyx · 25/06/2015 13:27

I agree with leccybill. I have taken DD home from a sleepover once, and made absolutely sure she was aware that there would be no more sleepovers until she was absolutely ready to stay overnight (which there now has been, she's been fine since then).

BitOutOfPractice · 25/06/2015 13:28

What leccy said.

I'm sure the teachers have seen homesick kids before and calmed them down. She must've been in a right state to warrant a 1am phone call

Look, most people, especially the ones with direct experience of running overnight stays are saying YABU - are you taking that on board?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 25/06/2015 13:36

YABU. In the cold light of day your DD is presumably a little embarrassed to have come home and may or may not repeat the same thing tonight. I'd refuse to have her stay again. Next year is a clean slate.

Lollypop27 · 25/06/2015 13:53

The thing is OP how can your daughter garaunte that she won't be homesick tonight? It's not something you can switch on and off.

The teachers have full responsibility of the children on the trip and will probably have activities planned today and might also have to administer medicine to children who need it. If the shoe was on the other foot would you want someone who has very little sleep doing that with your child because I'm sure as hell I wouldn't.

The fact that she was chatting happily in the car to you seems to me as if it was a bit of attention seeking drama. She now has to learn the consequences from her actions.

lljkk · 25/06/2015 14:12

Sorry, leaning towards YABU.