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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Trip / Homesick - not allowed to stay second night

156 replies

facedontfit · 25/06/2015 10:02

First AIBU don't be harsh am feeling a bit delicate

Daughter (Year 6) is on a school 2 night residential trip. Last night I had a phone call from headteacher at 1.05 am saying daughter couldn't sleep and could I come and collect her, spoke to her on the phone and she was tearful. Collected her and she was fine spoke excitedly about the day and was looking forward to the following day and staying the following night. Said she had been feeling homesick.

Took her back at 7.45 this morning and was told she could do todays activities but could not stay tonight. I was to collect her this evening Daughter devastated, burst into tears. I tried to put my case that she wanted to stay, she was being punished for being homesick and marginalised. Daughter said she won't get homesick and is desperate to stay. HT said she had made her decision. She stayed two nights last year with no problems. In school letter about trip it says you will be asked to collect if homesick but does not say you will then not be allowed to stay 2nd night. She has had a difficult time at this school over the last year and am worried that this experience isn't helping her.

HT says she doesn't want another night like last night. A number of children were still up at midnight (including daughter) having toast and biscuits. Isn't this all part of the school trip? Feel this has ruined the trip for her. Have left her there in tears.

AIBU to think that she should stay the second night? What can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
facedontfit · 25/06/2015 11:49

Thanks BarbarianMum good suggestion about the chat.

I still feel she is being punished as she is having the "fun" sleepover taken away from her which she desperately wants to do.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 25/06/2015 11:54

I wonder if she was told "we can phone your mum to come and get you but if she does then you won't be able to come back?" In an effort to try to make her realise what she would miss.

I do think that if a child has got so worked up about it that they have had to be picked up then it does make sense for them to not stay the next night

MarianneSolong · 25/06/2015 11:57

I don't think in a large trip involving tens of children and a group of staff, one individual child's wish to have a fun sleepover after throwing a wobbly is going to be everyone else's top priority.

I think I'd want to get an account from my child and - once the trip is over - from the other adults concerned. 10 is still quite young and at that age it's unlikely they'll have a mature sense of the impact their behaviour has on others. Sometimes even parents don't see quite how their child's actions may negatively affect others.

QuintShhhhhh · 25/06/2015 12:00

I still feel she is being punished as she is having the "fun" sleepover taken away from her which she desperately wants to do.

Well, clearly she didnt last night, which is why she wanted to be collected.

At 11, and due to start secondary, she is old enough to learn about cause and effect and that there are consequences to her behaviour.

She has to stop mucking people about like this.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 25/06/2015 12:00

It's tricky to really know what's happened and how upset your DD really was before you arrived.

We run a 7 night kids camp for older primary and younger secondary age children so are really used to homesickness. We wouldn't ring a parent at 1am unless it was an emergency. We are hours away from any parent getting to our location so it serves no benefit to wake them in the early hours, when no one is at their best making decisions anyway. We do have lots of leaders though, so we would support the child overnight and then support the tired leaders the next day. We'd call the parents in the morning to discuss with them what the best way forward would be. We very rarely have children collected mostly because they have such fun during the day, it's only at night-time that they get homesick. It's only if they're also upset during the day too, that we would chat about going home. Sometimes a call home before bed can be helpful, sometimes not, depends on the child.

It sounds like decisions were made in the heat of the moment, when everyone was tired. It's then tricky for people to backtrack or change what's been said. Kids staying up late is never ideal, we also have a 'midnight' feast one night, it happens at 9:30-10 or 10:30pm, for this very reason. In fact we also have two nights out of the 7 where we get them to bed earlier Grin

TheNewStatesman · 25/06/2015 12:04

"She has to stop mucking people about like this."

Exactly. Come on, she's 11, not six! At the very least she should have been able to cope with waiting till morning.

Original poster
facedontfit · 25/06/2015 12:07

She was having fun, along with all the other, until she got into bed after the midnight "toast & biscuits". She had not been upset all night.

OP posts:
DeeWe · 25/06/2015 12:09

You can't tell how she was by how you saw her. Most children, even tinies, calm down as soon as you say mummy is coming.

coffeeisnectar · 25/06/2015 12:12

I think yabu. Your child is not the only one on the trip and if staff were up til gone 1am dealing with her and then woken at 5am/6am by others ready to have breakfast, I doubt they'd be too inclined to repeat that.

It's exhausting managing large groups of kids, ensuring their safety and dealing with lots of little injuries/bumps/needs but to do it on four hours sleep? Poor teachers!!!

schokolade · 25/06/2015 12:13

I would have been very unimpressed with chatting happily in the car after dragging me out of bed at 1 am with a scary phone call and a middle of the night drive. Really distressed, ok. Fancied coming home, not ok.

Frankly I wouldn't have let her stay even if the school were ok with it. I wouldn't present it as a punishment, but just a logical consequence: everyone needs a guaranteed good sleep tonight after the rubbish one last night.

DamnBamboo · 25/06/2015 12:15

Why have you even bothered posting here OP?
You clearly don't think YABU.
Just move on and seethe elsewhere.

BTW - yabvu

Itsmine · 25/06/2015 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerspicaciaTick · 25/06/2015 12:18

Well she'll learn not to cry wolf in future.

DamnBamboo · 25/06/2015 12:19

She was having fun, along with all the other, until she got into bed after the midnight "toast & biscuits". She had not been upset all night

Well she won't do that again will she! Lesson learned.

Do you expect the teachers to trundle along without sleep? What if she has a repeat performance?
I also question the timings of this. Most schools have strict lights out policies before 9 for primary trips. What time were they having tea and toast ?

TheRealMaryMillington · 25/06/2015 12:19

on the surface YANBU, but I suspect there is more to this in terms of behaviour, perhaps, that hasn't been communicated to you

IME no school would restrict a child from participating unless something had happened that would mean it was necessary or appropriate.

So I would find that out first. But if it is literally that she was a bit homesick YANBU.

TheRealMaryMillington · 25/06/2015 12:22

Sounds to me like she got very overtired and overexcited and teacher is worried about her ability to cope. Teacher is in loco parentis for more than just your child and it is hard to do that properly on very little sleep.

puddymuddles · 25/06/2015 12:23

You had to collect her at 1am in the morning?? I think they are being very U unless she was very very very upset indeed. Some parents who have younger children and don't drive would not have been able to collect at this time anyway. I think the teachers should have put up with it and kept her there unless she was in hysterics for hours. Very OTT of the school.

LadyPlumpington · 25/06/2015 12:23

I think maybe it should have been stated upfront to all the students that if they needed to go home on the first night then they would not be allowed back on the second night. It's possible that if your DD had known this at the time then she would have been able to calm herself down, as some kids do when you say 'Well, if you keep whinging there will be no treats' and they magically perk up. Alternatively, the pressure of having to get her feelings under control might have made the situation worse for her.

Poor thing, I feel sorry for her.

Sirzy · 25/06/2015 12:24

Are you sure the midnight feast was actually at midnight? When I have been away with similar aged children we have had a 'midnight' feast around 8pm before bed and lights out.

whois · 25/06/2015 12:24

Either she was severely home sick, in which case it's highly likely the same thing would happen again and it's best for her to be at home.

Or she was a massive drama queen and putting it on. In which case she doesn't deserve to stay with her friends tonight.

Either way, home overnight for her.

thatsshallot · 25/06/2015 12:26

if that was my dc I would have been mortified and of cours would not have expected her to be able to stay the second night - she was not being 'puinished' by going home the first night so why is keeping her away the second night suddenly punishment?

I can't see the teachers had any choice tbh

thatsshallot · 25/06/2015 12:26

sorry for typos

QuintShhhhhh · 25/06/2015 12:32

My bet is that Tea and Toast midnight feast with teacher was a last attempt at calming her....

reni1 · 25/06/2015 12:32

I think whois got it exactly right.

Original poster
facedontfit · 25/06/2015 12:33

Sirzy, I believe the toast and biscuits at midnight came about because another child had been unwell, not sure of the details.

OP posts:
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