School Trip / Homesick - not allowed to stay second night

[facedontfit]

First AIBU don't be harsh am feeling a bit delicate

Daughter (Year 6) is on a school 2 night residential trip. Last night I had a phone call from headteacher at 1.05 am saying daughter couldn't sleep and could I come and collect her, spoke to her on the phone and she was tearful. Collected her and she was fine spoke excitedly about the day and was looking forward to the following day and staying the following night. Said she had been feeling homesick.

Took her back at 7.45 this morning and was told she could do todays activities but could not stay tonight. I was to collect her this evening Daughter devastated, burst into tears. I tried to put my case that she wanted to stay, she was being punished for being homesick and marginalised. Daughter said she won't get homesick and is desperate to stay. HT said she had made her decision. She stayed two nights last year with no problems. In school letter about trip it says you will be asked to collect if homesick but does not say you will then not be allowed to stay 2nd night. She has had a difficult time at this school over the last year and am worried that this experience isn't helping her.

HT says she doesn't want another night like last night. A number of children were still up at midnight (including daughter) having toast and biscuits. Isn't this all part of the school trip? Feel this has ruined the trip for her. Have left her there in tears.

AIBU to think that she should stay the second night? What can I do?

How are kids going to learn to deal with uncomfortable feelings as they go through life? Adults who give in to these behaviours aren't doing them any favours. Stiff upper lip and all that eh? This is what school trips are all about, helping them cope in the wider world.

Staying up and waiting for a parent to arrive sounds a far more lengthy and tiring scenario than sitting for a while and calming the girl down.

She must have been really inconsolable fir them to ring at 1am in the morning. You must have got the almighty shock of your life. Thru must have changed their policy though my daughter went away with the school and was really unsettled but they never phoned me . I was a bit peeved to be honest,
I know your daughter has reassured you that she will be ok to night and I'm sure she fully believes that but you can't control emotions. She's not feeling homesick on purpose, so she can't possibly say. I won't get homesick mummy I promise.
I can see where you're coming from. You know your child. You've paid the money for her to stay over night
But I can also see where the HT is coming from. What if she gets upset again to night, plus will you relax any way on edge waiting for a phone call

They should have put her on the phone to you OP and you could have talked her down.

I don't think they want to risk disruption for a second night and I don't blame them. YABU.

Year 6 is 11 years old. Unless she has issues or there's bullying going on she should certainly be able to cope. She'll be going into secondary in September yes?

A year 6 child could at least wait until the morning to see if they still want to go home.

Formidable, do you want to be the teacher sitting up with her for most of the night to see if she calms down?

I disagree with that hidden. All children are different. It's wrong to say you're 11 you can cope. That's narrow minded. They mature and develop at different rates. Take no bloody notice of those parenting books. A child should do this at this age blah blah. It's b.s
It could have been the child's first time away. For all we know it could have been the first time she hAd stayed out.

I am a teacher.

I would tell her to go to bed, and she can go home in the morning if she still wants to. Most would be fine by then.

I'm an ex HLTA . No teacher I know would have rung a parent at 1am if it had not been a hospital level admission or unless a child had been upset to level of vomiting.

Many of our parents couldn't drive and were in a deprived area and not able to pay for a taxi in the middle of the night.

Yes, that would be the normal response, so I'm guessing the OP's dd was so upset she couldn't be left or so upset she was disturbing the others.

Iiveinalighthouse Have you read the OP?

"She stayed two nights last year with no problems"

From what you say it is odd that they called a parent out at 1am! Unless she was really inconsolable?

Not really sure who is BU in this situation. If a child was genuinely inconsolable on the first night, then it's not unreasonable for teachers to refuse to have them overnight on the second night. But with Y6s I would hope that a bit of homesickness wouldn't be enough to have teachers calling parents out in the middle of the night and it does sound like there has been a bit of an overreaction here.

Yes Barbarian, maybe she was. Or maybe she wasn't and the teacher overreacted.

It's the teacher's call at the end of the day. Obviously we don't know the OP's DD and weren't there.

Oh yeah I remember that now. But there still could be some 11 year olds who have never stayed out, granted probably not many but there will be such kids, so it is still wrong IMO to dismiss things and say they should be able to cope. I'm not backing down on that one.

Do primary school residentials work like secondary school trips?

At my daughter's secondary school there was a code of conduct, about complying with teachers requests. Parents and children would both sign. So, if for any reason - whether that was distress or just refusal to co-operate - a child did something that really disturbed other people on the expedition there could be a sanction, which might include the child not taking part in some of the rest of the trip.

I think with the primary school residential my daughter went on, one part of the agreement did include signing up to come and collect a child who was not coping with being away from home. I think if you sign up for that, you do ave to accept the school's decision about what constitutes not coping

So she waited until everything had settled down before becoming so distressed that other pupils and the teacher were made to get out of bed to unsuccessfully console her?

As the proud owner of a 10 year old girl myself, and having seen the nonsense that occurs when she's with her friends, I must confess I am taking the cynical approach. It sounds to me as if they were all egging each other on with the theatrics, and I can well understand that best course of action was to send her home and refuse a second night.

OP how upset was your dd last night? Do you think that the school was wrong to call you?

I'm surprised they have let her go back for the days activities tbh. If I was the HT and had to call a parent at 1am to collect a child who was playing up I would have said she had to go to school the next day and sit in on another class.

BarbarianMum she was fine when i picked her up and chatted happily on the way home. I get the impression that not much was done to settle her down. I don't know whether the school was wrong to phone me but I do think they are wrong in not letting her stay tonight. She is being punished for getting homesick.

MarianneSolong No agreement was signed. The letter says that parents will be called if child is homesick and that this is not a problem. If she is not allowed to stay a second night I would say it is a problem.

hiddenhome she is just 11 and is going to secondary school in Sept.

Tricky. She may have been fine because she wasn't that upset in the first place (in which case they overreacted) or because the source of her anxiety (staying) had been removed (in which case they may not have over-reacted at all).

I don't think you should think about it in terms of a punishment though, they are putting in place a practical step to stop her becoming distressed again. Maybe have a chat through things with your dd tonight and come up with some strategies she could try to prevent needing to come home in future.

Not fair on the teacher being kept up so late. They must think she is likely to do the same tonight. I think you are being unreasonable.