To be upset and annoyed at how this very large man ruined our trip to the theatre?

[QueenBean]

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and my boyfriend bought me really good tickets to a show I've been wanting to see. The show is interactive and so he picked seats at the end of the row, about 3 rows from the stage. He booked these about 4 months ago to ensure they were good seats and paid £80 per ticket (I know this because it was printed on the ticket).

When we arrived, there was a morbidly obese man sitting in the seat next to mine. Except he was also taking up part of my seat, arm right over the armrest etc. I was then wedged in my seat, squeezed up to my boyfriend for the whole show. I asked the box office if they had any spare seats but they only had them in row T, far back from our seats and the next price bracket down. They also had some in a box but we wouldn't have been able to join in with the show. They said they wouldn't be able to refund and offer tickets for another day.

I felt really sorry for this man, he was clearly uncomfortable in his chair and kept moving to sort of move away from my seat. I didn't make it in any way obvious that I was uncomfortable or anything.

But I am pretty annoyed about it, and was upset last night about having our lovely trip to the theatre impacted so much by someone else. We booked our seats so far in advance to get suitable ones - why couldn't this man have booked a more suitable seat for himself? The boxes were the same price seats and had free seating (ie, they aren't fixed to the floor so can be moved), I am not sure why he couldn't have booked one of those when one was still free last night.

I am going to get flamed for not being more understanding, but what was meant to be an expensive birthday treat was greatly impacted by this man and I think he could have considered his size more when booking his own seat.

Aibu to feel annoyed at this?

Yay, fat bashing! We don't see enough of this on mumsnet

While I do understand how annoying this is, I think you just have to accept it's one of those things.

Last year I went to the theatre on the same day a local special school were attending. The children (there were about 10 of them, situated a few rows in front of us) had very high needs and shouted out / moaned throughout the show to the point where I couldn't really hear the dialogue. I'm ashamed to say that initially I was very annoyed but actually I learned two things during the few hours I was there; how lovely it was to see the real delight that the children got from seeing the show, and secondly to appreciate the fact that I and my children are very much able-bodied and can go anywhere we like without facing physical barriers or others' judgement in doing so.
Sometimes it really does help to see the wider picture.

I am with you,OP. The people around you at concerts / shows can absolutely have a detrimental impact on your enjoyment of the performance. I was at a wonderful music show last week and 2 younger folks in the row behind (it was just about exclusively a middle aged crowd as was Fleetwood Mac) got more and more drunk and louder and louder and speaking laughing and shouting over some of the beautiful music. Eventually they were told to tone it down (by me and others) and we received a mouthful of unbelievably crude swearing. Appreciate that this is a different issue to your one but the negative impact is the same.
If the chap is too large to fit in the seat he should have to buy two (I think the same should apply on planes). It is a complete invasion of personal space otherwise.

Last year I went to the theatre on the same day a local special school were attending. The children (there were about 10 of them, situated a few rows in front of us) had very high needs and shouted out / moaned throughout the show to the point where I couldn't really hear the dialogue. I'm ashamed to say that initially I was very annoyed but actually I learned two things during the few hours I was there; how lovely it was to see the real delight that the children got from seeing the show, and secondly to appreciate the fact that I and my children are very much able-bodied and can go anywhere we like without facing physical barriers or others' judgement in doing so.

I think you're veering into wildly patronising territory here. Obese adults are not the same as complex/special needs children.

CactusAnnie - and bully for you. It doesn't work for everyone. You did it. Well done. But not everyone can afford the gym fees + 12 hours per week to dedicate to their weight. Not everyone is physically capable of regular gym exercise - injury or other health conditions. Not everyone has the cooking skills or time or spoons, or the support from their families in either eating separately or everyone eating a much smaller and healthier meal together.

It is hard. And when you add in the emotional and mental strength required to kick an addiction, and, from the responses on this thread, the obvious stigma any overweight person faces (must be fun walking into a pool in your swimming costume with the knowledge that half the people commenting here are thinking the kind of things they are posting) which makes it even more emotionally tough to go into a gym or swimming pool and I don't blame people for struggling.

I'm not sure about the mobility angle. I'm disabled; I can't walk very far. But putting even a bit of weight on makes it harder for me to get about, and it makes it harder for my DH if he ever has to physically help me. I'm a small framed woman so to stay slim I just don't eat very much.

Yes it's harder to be slim if you can't exercise much, but it's by no means impossible.

I wasn't going to take the bait but here goes.

owlborn can I just say that I think you are projecting a bit there.

Hardly anybody on this thread has made nasty comments about people's weight. It seems to me that the nasty comments are actually coming from the overweight people themselves. Everybody else has been balanced and there is this horrible, venomous attitude coming from defenders.

As many many posters before me have said - it's not about judgement, it's when it affects them in such a way that they are made uncomfortable i.e. being pressed up against somebody, sweated on. Nobody likes to be pressed up against anybody large or slim - everybody moans about the underground for that reason. It's horrible.

This stigma that you are speaking about doesn't exist on this thread. That's your own self esteem. If you are overweight going into a swimming pool in a costume NOBODY CARES, genuinely nobody gives a hoot.

But somebody will care if you go in the fast lane if you are a slow swimmer or hog all of the hot water on the shower or not let anybody else use the weights and that applies to all shapes and sizes. It's common courtesy.

Actually the judgement I pass is this: there is a large lady that jogs my route some mornings and when I see her, I think you go, good on you girl and we smile and wave. I don't care that others are not exercising, not one jot.

Not everyone has the cooking skills or time or spoons, or the support from their families in either eating separately or everyone eating a much smaller and healthier meal together
That's just a load of excuses, isn't it? Totally fixable. Learn to cook; if the alternative is living on the shit that made you obese in the first place.
Everyone else doesn't have to join you in eating smaller meals, unless they're obese too.
Why on earth would you use that nonsense as a justification for remaining unhealthily fat?

And I don't know what spoons have to do with the price of fish...

Spoons relates to people with conditions that cause significant loss of stamina and excessive fatigue

Spoons relates to conditions which cause excess fatigue/reduced stamina

Bloody glitchy website!

" It seems to me that the nasty comments are actually coming from the overweight people themselves. Everybody else has been balanced and there is this horrible, venomous attitude coming from defenders. "

Why do you assume people defending against the comments must be overweight?

maybe they just don't like the nasty fat bashing comments.

like people talking about "disgusting flesh" and "damp flab" amongst other things. Its called empathy for a fellow human being.

Oh, ok. Thanks Carrot. Still doesn't address the over eating question. Anyone who can't move more, has to eat less or they stack on weight. It's the way the human body is designed.

I feel sorry for your bad experience.
I feel sorry for the man's bad experience.
I feel sorry for whoever was sat behind your tall boyfriend.
I feel sorry for me and DH when we had to give up our expensive good seats at the theatre a couple of weeks ago because I had a panic attack due to being hemmed in by other theatre goers the bastards.

Perhaps we should all just stay at home

FanjoForTheMammaries

Because the reasons that they have cited are quite poor to be honest such as people looking at them in the swimming pool, lack of spoons .... am I wrong?

I seriously do not believe that if a total stranger was squashed up next to you, touching you, you would be totally fine with that and sit there smiling. Come off it would you. Of course you would be physically uncomfortable.

I saw the person talking about the people being self conscious in the swimming pool. She clearly was talking about other people and not herself.

I think it must be easier to blame people being defensive rather than them being kinder than you though

even if I felt uncomfy I would suck it up and would not moan on here about it and pontificate at length about peoples disgusting flab and how they just need to move a bit more and not inflict themselves on others.

Cactus, you just can't extrapolate.
I had OCD. I worked very hard at therapy and I don't really have symptoms now. That doesn't tell me that everyone with OCD who works very hard with therapy will have, or can have, the same results. Individual learning histories vary so widely it's like comparing chalk and cheese.

Though statistically, people with disorders of emotional overcontrol (anorexia and OCD are both like this) are more likely to do well at therapy and overcoming these issues, as it turns out if you are a perfectionist control freak you have developed some good skills to apply yourself with great dedication and usually persevere etc when you just move these to more productive healthy goals. It's actually part of the profile - a flipside. The same isn't true for binge eating disorder. So you just can't assume everyone can do it, and there's a fair amount of evidence that a lot of people who reach morbid obesity don't take and keep off the weight. It's just the way it is right now, no doubt science will improve it in the future .

nope. its pejorative.