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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To put dd 7m into nursery so I can go to the gym?

785 replies

Vijac · 22/06/2015 11:00

I've just started putting her in for an hour two times a week. The first sessions were ok but today at her 4th session her face just crumpled when I said goodbye which wrenched my heart :(. She obviously realised I was leaving her. Am I mean putting her in just so I can go the gym. I just want to get fit and lose some weight finally. Will I damage her according to attachment parenting? Thanks.

OP posts:
Singsongsung · 24/06/2015 14:35

Well I've had to report one post which has been deleted so there's a bit of an attack isn't there.

MitzyLeFrouf · 24/06/2015 14:36

No. I don't think I'd agree that one post equals an attack.

Singsongsung · 24/06/2015 14:38

Vvega, I totally agree that if you're dashing to work and your baby cries then you have to go. You have to get on with it (and probably feel rubbish about it). You have no choice if you don't want to get sacked.

Out for the night, off to the gym- these are all choices. You don't have to leave your child crying and I wouldn't. That's it really. My point in a nutshell.

RiverTam · 24/06/2015 14:44

Even if you knew full well that 20 seconds after you'd disappeared from sight she'd be bouncing and giggling with Grandma or Aunty Jane or Clare from crèche? Don't you think children should be allowed to see how they might get on without you? And for lots of us seeing friends, getting out, doing exercise are just as important as work.

Singsongsung · 24/06/2015 14:45

How would you know? I have dropped my child off at nursery and seen other children there crying who certainly have done so for longer than 20 secs.

RiverTam · 24/06/2015 14:52

Because you would ask? Any caregiver, or friend, worth anything would let you know if the tears hadn't cleared up pretty quickly. If I was going to entrust DD with someone I would go do on the basis that they would know how to cheer a child up and that they would be honest with me. Goodness, I've left DD with DH wailing and screeching away, don't go mummeeeeeeee, and he's told me that as soon as I was out of sight he swung her around and they got on with their day. Aside from anything else it's important that he is given the opportunity to look after his own child!

Singsongsung · 24/06/2015 14:55

I don't think anyone is disputing that dads should be able to look after their children!

Singsongsung · 24/06/2015 14:57

And River, at what point would they let you know then? 30 seconds? 10 minutes? An hour? My point really is that assuming that all children who cry when left at nursery settle within 20 seconds is pretty naive.

RiverTam · 24/06/2015 15:01

And thinking that any decent caregiver would allow one of their charges to cry for an hour without any intervention or subsequent discussion with parents is ludicrous.

vvega · 24/06/2015 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nolim · 24/06/2015 15:08

Fwiw i have used the term "perfect parent" in this thread and i have used it sarcastically: it was about a poster who spent years ttc and then years trying to be "perfect" (her words) spending all the time with her dc and doing all the things books say etc, and eventually realized that it was ok to spend a couple of hours in the gym.

Sing i personally find your opinion about non essential childcare extreme, but i understand it is a matter of benefit and cost analysis: leaving your dc in childcare/with a baby sitter is something you dont want to do, so you only do it if the rewards justify it: earning a wage justifies it, going to the gym does not. Other ppl values their me time differently, and also have different reservation towards childcare so they make different choices according to what is important for them.

Regarding childcare in order to work you say You have to get on with it (and probably feel rubbish about it). You have no choice if you don't want to get sacked.
I agree. But not everyone does. Someone could say you are not "motivated" enough. Maybe keep can help you to figure out a way to make money and look after your dc at the same time.

MitzyLeFrouf · 24/06/2015 15:10

Very droll Nolim Wink

RiverTam · 24/06/2015 15:14

That's it,vvega, we teach our children that we trust certain other adults and we teach them that no way would we leave them with someone who we didn't trust completely. Whipping your child away from that person at the first sign of tears is surely teaching the exact opposite.

Oh, and for what it's worth I spent the first 2 years with DD. I hated it, I found it so difficult and I doubted my ability to parent my child on a daily basis. I reckon DD cried more tears with me during those years (as did I) than if she'd gone to the lovely childminder down the road, whether I was working or not.

LadyPlumpington · 24/06/2015 15:14

Naughty Nolim!

bakedappleflavour · 24/06/2015 15:19

Also sing you are sort of assuming that every parent who works doesn't want to at all and only does so because of financial pressures.

They don't. Some do, but some just want to work because a) they enjoy it and b) would go crazy spending all their time with their DC. Nowt wrong with that.

ElkTheory · 24/06/2015 15:25

What always amazes me about threads like this is the underlying conviction of some people that there is a Best Way to raise children. It might be dressed up as a matter of choice ("I chose what was best for my family") but the subtext often seems to be that this choice is actually inherently superior to others. In reality, there are many, many ways to raise happy, healthy children.

Equally, there are many pitfalls and mistakes that parents can try to avoid, though even the most conscientious parents can't avoid them all, despite their best efforts. They fuck you up, your mum and dad, whether they use the gym crèche or not.

Meerka · 24/06/2015 15:47

FlopismyMantra very pleased to hear you feel okay and have managed to have a good idea.

I hope you can ignore the posters who snidely want to make others feel bad. There's a lot of people on the internet who assume an unpleasant persona in order to upset others, sadly (some weird people out there).

At least we can hope they're assuming a persona, because if they aren't it'd be even sadder.

Looking after your health, physical and mental, is vitally important for the wholefamily.

Strokethefurrywall · 24/06/2015 15:59

You have to get on with it (and probably feel rubbish about it). You have no choice if you don't want to get sacked.

Not me. I don't feel rubbish about it at all. I love my job. I love working. I love my financial freedom and independence. I love stretching my brain in other ways (not saying that childcare at home isn't mentally taxing or stimulating...) I love having a life outside my home with my children. I am not a selfless person.

I wouldn't be a stay at home mum because it's not for me but I hold absolutely no judgement or opinion over what others do, if they stay home/work full time/part time/down a mine/away from home for weeks on end.

And this is how I know that I'm secure in my parenting choices - I don't take offence at people suggesting what I'm doing isn't the best way, or feel guilty because I use childcare. Are my boys happy and smiling (or more likely, whinging, snotty and foot stamping?) Yes - then my work is excellent. Nobody, least of all some strangers on the internet are going to convince me otherwise.

If anything that these types of threads have taught me is that I believe that being secure in your choices is the holy grail of parenting. It's apparently what we all strive for. Unfortunately the internet means we have a barrage of shit to attempt to make us feel guilty.

I appreciate that Singsongsung and I are probably the absolute antithesis of each other when it comes to parenting but her way of parenting works for her family. Just like my way of parenting works for me and my family.

There is no "best" way to parent. Only the "best" way for you. To attempt to convince others that your way is the best way (which ever way that may be) is foolish.

Meerka · 24/06/2015 16:26

I am not a selfless person

there's a lot of women in very unhappy life-situations, specially marriages, because they've been taught to put themselves last. To not put their own needs and wishes in the balance.

The essential word here is 'balance'!

SnapesCapes · 24/06/2015 16:35

When DS2 was 11 months he started at nursery two mornings a week. We didn't need my income, we don't now. But he does 3 full days now because I love my job, love it. It keeps me sane and I am a better parent for having time away; the time I do get with them I cherish. Before I went back to work I was a miserable cow. According to AP friends I am a very selfish stereotype of modern parenting. I couldn't give a shit, the DCs are happy and I'm happy. AP only works if you believe in it fully and have the time and energy for it. I have neither.

VerityWaves · 24/06/2015 17:30

I personally wouldn't be able to leave an upset baby somewhere so I could work out, I wouldn't be able to relax or enjoy my time.
I didn't want to use any childcare either - it wasn't an option for DH and I. I was so lucky my mum was on hand to look after her when I needed. If I wanted to do something social but couldn't find Mum or sister to look after her I just wouldn't do it. Not in the early years anyway..
I dropped pounds by walking for miles with the buggy, I remember I was in the most fantastic shape from those walks!

Writerwannabe83 · 24/06/2015 18:04

Why is grandma ok but childcare not?

It is because you prefer more one-to-one care?

MissBananaMama · 24/06/2015 18:30
Hmm

Thinking of hiding this thread. It's getting very monotonous

Itsmine · 24/06/2015 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 24/06/2015 18:45

I always have to take a deep breath and be very considered when I post on these threads. But I always post (despite the fact that most people ignore my posts!) because I think OP and anyone in her position or similar needs to hear this.

I have a child who is damaged by being institutionalised for the first year of his life. I live the life of an "attachment parent" as much as possible because it's a necessity to help his brain form the correct neural pathways it failed to do in the first year. I live attachment parenting as a necessity rather than a preference. Yes I have even had to give up my job when working and attachment parenting became incompatible and had to become dependent on benefits.

People who start throwing around issues of "attachment" and damage done to children by letting them cry, do my bloody head in because because they haven't the first fecking clue what it is to live with a child with attachment and executive processing problems caused by a failure to bond with a primary carer. And implying (or even stating outright at times) that leaving a child to cry once a week for a while damages them is a ridiculous and unscientific statement to make and is dangerously dismissive of the real attachment issues that real children with real traumas suffer.

You might chose to "attachment parent" as you call it but I somehow doubt it includes therapeutic games to promote attachment between you and your child because they can't make eye contact with you, can't be held by you, can't be comforted by you, can't be rocked to sleep etc. Most attachment issues are caused by either a lack of a primary carer, the total shitness of the primary carer at actually caring or having the primary carer removed repeatedly. All the studies showing attachment issues revolved around these scenarios not leaving your bloody child in a gym creche. Hmm

Most birth children who are neurologically typical can be parented in any number of ways which are highly unlikely to make a significant difference to the brain development - even leaving them to cry for a while or leaving them at nursery Shock. The method of parenting you choose is at least (in my opinion) down to what suits you as a parent not what suits your child. Its about what you want not what they need because lets face it the chances of any one of your children (on this thread) not getting what they need (food, water, comfort, a primary carer) is slim to none. Attachment parenting my arse, I wish they'd come up with a different name that wasn't associated with a serious issue giving some people the illusion that they heading off some kind of psychological damage with their unique and superior method, rather than just choosing the way you want to parent without needing to find a pseudo-psychological name to label it with.

So if what you want is to attach yourself to your child, knock yourself out, gym once a week - go ahead. They're really both covered under the "Perfectly normal things parents do with perfectly normal children that you don't need to get too precious about" category.

OP if it distresses you that your baby is crying when you leave her then try a few things -

Give her something exciting (favorite toy, something nice to eat) just as you leave.
Pop back after 15 mins and try to observe her to satisfy yourself that she has settled
If she hasn't settled and nothing you have tried works then consider trying other exercise for a month and trying again in a month not because it will do her any harm but because its likely to distress you if you know she's upset.

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