To put dd 7m into nursery so I can go to the gym?

[Vijac]

I've just started putting her in for an hour two times a week. The first sessions were ok but today at her 4th session her face just crumpled when I said goodbye which wrenched my heart :(. She obviously realised I was leaving her. Am I mean putting her in just so I can go the gym. I just want to get fit and lose some weight finally. Will I damage her according to attachment parenting? Thanks.

I have lots of interests. I do go out without them. I have a dh who stays in if I go out (and vice versa). We are massively involved in community stuff, do charity things. All sorts. We have a very active and busy life. We simply choose to do so without it meaning using baby sitters or childcare beyond what is absolutely necessary to earn a living.

You're so very........petulant keep. I hope you're a bit cheerier when around children.

So you can go out whilst DH stays in, and then DH can go out when you stay in.

So when do you actually go out together??

singsong you do realise there is going to come a time when your kids actually don't want to spend that much time with you? a time when they will crave independence?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with mothers having "me time". I'm probably on the slightly crunchier end of childrearing ("extended" breastfeeding, DS2 slept in our room for ages, etc.) but the idea that a mother's needs should never be put first or that there's something inherently superior about never wanting to spend a moment more than is necessary away from your children/competitive maternal separation anxiety ("I felt like my heart had been torn from my body when I was away from my seven year old for an hour, we are so bonded") just pisses me off.

I went swimming for an hour or two on my own from when my boys were very young, and when DS2 was little I also found a postnatal Pilates class where they had minders for the babies in the next room. I had bad PND first time round and I needed that time to myself, looking after myself, prioritizing myself, to stay sane. For swims I was lucky in that my mother was usually around to mind DS but when she wasn't I used the gym creche and was happy to do so. Often it was during nap time anyway so DS didn't notice.

BTW, I work full time and my children are in school/ full time childcare. And DP and I do occasionally go out on the piss and leave them with a relative (rather than a childminder purely because I have a large number of family members living nearby). And have hobbies. And friends. BECAUSE WE'RE HUMANS WITH NEEDS.

singsong - what are you thoughts on family members or good friends helping out with childcare if the parents decide they want to spend the day alone together?

Is that ok?

Or is it just paid childcare that you have a problem with?

And yes, like someone else upthread, going to exercise classes after DP came home (as keep suggests) just wasn't an option for us a lot of the time - both boys cluster fed like maniacs all evening for the first 5 or 6 months or so and would have been impossible to leave (I also didn't go out to the pub/gigs/etc. at the time for the same reason), and for a while after that didn't consistently go to sleep until after the pool/gym shut.

Also in purely selfish (oh horror) terms, I also liked having time to chat and relax with DP after the kids were in bed rather than handing over the offspring and running out the door.

My 9 year old, as repeatedly stated, does spend time away from us. She is a very confident girl, happy to go to sleepovers, camp etc etc without us, safe and secure in the knowledge that we'll be there when she gets home.
Do I have an issue with friends/family etc... I don't have an issue with childcare at all. If it's needed then use it. If that means family looking after your child while you work fair enough. Do I have an issue with kids being parked somewhere for a night out- well I personally wouldn't (and haven't).

So you have never let your children have a sleepover at Grandma's house so you and your DH could go out for a meal or something, just to do something nice as a couple?

keep, you won't even answer a simple question about it. You just keep repeating your designed-to-induce-guilt party line.

Have you not got a robust answer?

When do you go out together

We go out together as a family. Lots actually. We don't go out together as a couple at all. Does "couples time" require you to be "out"?! Why??

keeptothewhiteline
I don't care onlyLovers.
I do know that I don't leave my crying babies in the care of others and walk away.

This is what is bugging me. So OP decides not to leave the baby and doesn't do her gym stuff despite saying that she is down and believes the exercise and adult interaction will help. So if her "feeling down" tips into something else, are YOU going to be around to help her?

Writer- my children's grandparents live miles too far away for that.
If they were nearer I would certainly leave my 9 year old if she wanted to but absolutely not my 10 month old who wouldn't be able to tell me her views.

You don't go out of the house as a couple to the cinema or to have a lovely meal? Blimey. I thought I had seen it all. How sad.

"Do I have an issue with kids being parked somewhere for a night out - well I personally wouldn't (and haven't)"

Ah yes, like my poor neglected children, left with their beloved great-aunt for the evening on Sunday night so we could go out with my cousin from New York for her birthday. I believe the same children are going to be abandoned with their grandmother on Friday night so we can go out with the selfsame cousin before she goes back. To the pub.

Though what would I know, having been not only ABANDONED TO A CHILDMINDER myself while my parents worked but also regularly PARKED WITH A BABYSITTER so that my parents could live it up at eg Simon & Garfunkel concerts and friends' dinner parties (my sister actually met my regular babysitter recently, apparently I used to have to be prodded upstairs, still reading a book). Seriously, did none of you people who "couldn't possibly do it" ever have babysitters? Was this not a normal thing, as it seemed to be in my youth (the 70s)?

I think the fact that you don't ever go out as a couple is really, really sad.

My whole opinion of your situation has now changed and I no longer feel frustration towards you so at least this thread is no longer going to raise my blood pressure

Our glass- who do you suggest I leave my 9 year old and 10 month old with so we can go an the vital night out to the cinema (that we couldn't actually give a toss about going to)?

I used to adore being left with our babysitter as a child, usually my cousin. Even though you were just at home in your own house it felt so exciting. Normal Saturday night rules did not apply!

Does the 'I don't do X because that made my child cry' apply to other areas as well? Mine has recently cried because he didn't want to get out of bath and this morning because he didn't want to put his clothes on. I still did both to him. Evil mother.

Maybe to escape the home and to encounter each other ALONE (i.e with no professional distractors around) in a different setting, sing? To deliberately put yourself in an environment where you're not just sitting in the same place as always with your co-parent but rather a novel environment with someone whom you hopefully appreciate for skills other than child-rearing? To help yourself remember that you enjoy each other's company outside of house and home and the boring domestic drudgery?

That's why I have couple time anyway.

"Does "couples time" require you to be "out"?! Why??"

In our case, there are things that we like to do together that we cannot do in our house, eg go to a concert, eat a high-end meal, drink fancy draft beer. They're things that we loved to do together pre-kids and we find very "battery-recharging" to do occasionally now that we have DC.

If you really don't give a toss I don't need to give suggestions.

Ditto Writer!

And yes, what LadyPlumpington said.

Why is it sad??!! We're in our 40s. Have been together forever. Have done the whole going out stuff years ago. We spend pretty well every evening together as a family and then as a couple when the girls are asleep. We have fantastic family days out.

What is there to be sad about?!?

Seems like a very insular life to lead sing - and not one I consider a healthy model for children.

Personally I love eating out, seeing live music, going to the cinema, attending weddings, going running - not essential, and I certainly recognised I wouldnt be able to do them as much when I had children.

But they are much more enjoyable when the kids aren't around!