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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry about DP going to Glastonbury Festival?

129 replies

Albadross · 20/06/2015 20:17

I'm pretty sure I'll get flamed for this, but it's just how I feel.

We have one DS who is 2, and I have long-term MH issues so being a mum has been a real struggle for me. We're getting married (finally) in October.

I work full time and DP works away 2 weekends a month plus a night or two a week, leaving me to do all childcare plus working full time. His hours make up half the days in a year so he gets 5 or 4 days off in a row whilst DS is at nursery, meaning he gets a lot of time to himself. I'm only off weekends and of course DS is at home and I'm doing all housework plus childcare so I don't have any time for myself. I chose to be a mother and I'm very lucky to have had DS (he was IVF) so this isn't about me being in any resentful about the childcare side of it, I signed up for that.

I've been quite unwell with a major relapse of my mental illness in the last few months, and I've felt exhausted and completely unable to cope on my own for these extended periods of time - here's where the issue is. DP has a Glastonbury ticket and so he'll be working away Tuesday and Wednesday and then leaving us until Monday night.

DP keeps saying 'Why don't you arrange to go away?' and using the fact that I don't as a stick to beat me with, but my anxiety means I want to be at home and all I want is for us to have family time. I no longer have a social life. I just can't help but wish he wasn't going to Glastonbury because it sort of represents a bigger issue to me I think. Like he's putting that above me and DS even though he knows I'm not well.

Of course I get that this is mostly my problem, I don't expect him to be home 24/7, but he also goes out in the evenings too, so it's not like he's always trapped at home.

AIBU to wish he wasn't going?

OP posts:
Original poster
Albadross · 20/06/2015 20:19

And I don't mean I want to go out more, I just want him to not be away all the time

OP posts:
londonrach · 20/06/2015 20:19

Never understood glastonbury and i grow up in somerset however it is once a year and sometimes once in two years. Is there someone you coukd stay with or come and stay with you to give you support.

Original poster
Albadross · 20/06/2015 20:22

No, family all live 3 hours away and other friends are all going to the festival too

OP posts:
slippermaiden · 20/06/2015 20:26

No use for this year but why didn't you go with him? I've been3 times with husband and children, great fun!

MrsEvadneCake · 20/06/2015 20:26

Is this the DP who said Glastonbury was more important than your wedding/honeymoon??

Lovewearingjeans · 20/06/2015 20:27

If it was a one off, him being away, you could kind of see his point. But he is away quite a lot, and as someone who has suffered with my MH, I needed my dh to be there for me. So YANBU.

Gabilan · 20/06/2015 20:29

"I just can't help but wish he wasn't going to Glastonbury because it sort of represents a bigger issue to me I think."

I think this is key to it. Glastonbury is once a year, so the real issue isn't that, it's the amount of time he is away.

I'd possibly just let the Glasto thing slide, but sit him down and talk about the wider issues.

Disclaimer: It's Saturday night, I'm tired, wine has been drunk

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2015 20:32

He gets so much 'him' time I can see why you feel resentful when you are struggling. Does he at least do all the housework on his days at home?

SleeplessButNotInSeattle · 20/06/2015 20:35

I'm a stay at home person and DH is a go out person. Which means that I usually end up at home with kids while he's out. It does annoy me sometimes but I don't want to go out either!

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd probably let Glastonbury go but say afterwards you need to make sure he's about more.

(I can't think of anything worse than going to Glastonbury with kids!!)

RepeatAdNauseum · 20/06/2015 20:36

How much of him being away is because he chooses to be?

It sounds like a lot of it is because he's working, which is par for the course in some jobs. You say he also goes out in the evenings but you don't sound too upset about that - possibly because he's coming back after a few hours?

Original poster
Albadross · 20/06/2015 20:38

MrsEvad - I don't think so!

We've talked about this endlessly, but because it's work there's not much we can do about him being away. I guess I feel like he should want to be with us because he's already away so much.

There's no way I could go - I went a couple of times when I was young and I didn't really enjoy it because dirty portaloos and not being in control of what I eat wasn't worth the money...

OP posts:
Original poster
Albadross · 20/06/2015 20:42

MrsTerry - no he doesn't. To him cleaning 'the sides' in the kitchen and maybe hoovering the living room/kitchen counts as doing the housework. He's cleaned a bathroom twice in 5 years. I ask him to help me at least tidy up before he goes away for a few days, but many times I'm left with a toddler and all the housework.

Repeat - I'm fine with the work stuff, but I don't understand why he chooses to be away considering he's away so much already.

OP posts:
MrsEvadneCake · 20/06/2015 20:43

Sorry Albadross there has been another thread where the DP has been quite unreasonable about it. My apologies for muddling you up.

My DH works away and I have MH issues and it is exhausting when you are on your own. I understand the feeling of wanting to spend time together when they are around. I would want to know what plans we could make to even out time in the future together and for you to get a break. Mark on the calendar shared and alone time and stick to it like any other commitment.

MrsEvadneCake · 20/06/2015 20:45

Also draw up a list of jobs to be done when he's home and make him do his share. That's not fair on you at all.

I think working away can make people selfish. They get used to their own company and have to actively want to spend that time. It took a lot for us to get the balance right but it works now.

Totality22 · 20/06/2015 20:45

Are you the same poster that posted something very similar the other day (she didn't name the festival but it was strikingly similar)

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2015 20:46

Then I'm veering more to HIBU.

I think a bigger conversation needs to be had about everyone's needs.

Marynary · 20/06/2015 20:46

It sounds as if the main issue is that you are not getting equal amounts of leisure time. When he is at home with no child to look after is he spring cleaning the house so that you have less to do when he is working away and you are doing everything at home? If not I think that you need to address this.
You shouldn't feel that you have to go away or socialise to have leisure time. You could just read a book/go shopping or whatever you enjoy doing while he does the housework etc.

AspieAndNT · 20/06/2015 20:49

He chooses to go because he can. He has you to stay at home to cook, clean and do childcare - so basically no reason not to go.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 20/06/2015 20:49

YANBU to feel fed up especially if he is away quite a lot but YABU to hold his work absences/unusual hours against him and use these to complain about him going to GB. Why is he not pulling his weight at weekends when he is not working? I am assuming he looks after your DS when he is not working....yes? You appear to have cut yourself off socially and are now expecting him to do the same. I think it is a bit unfair to state he is putting GB 'above you and your DS'..... is it fair to expect him to not go because you don't want to go anywhere? You need to talk to him very frankly about it all especially as you feel you are doing everything.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 20/06/2015 20:51

but I don't understand why he chooses to be away considering he's away so much already

Perhaps there is your answer...... maybe he doesn't want to be at home with you and your DS. Have you discussed your r'ship?

Original poster
Albadross · 20/06/2015 20:53

Totality - no that wasn't me

Can'tbelieve - No, because DS is at nursery during the week

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/06/2015 20:54

I'd be very wary of marrying him if things don't improve, tbh.

He should be lightening your load, not leaving you to do it all.

Making a list of jobs is a good idea, provided that he does them and no excuses.
And taking time for yourself, even when he is there. Don't feel bad for sitting down and having a bath while he does some tasks. You really should get equal free time.
How about the next weekend, he gets full responsibility over the house and the children and you relax? Even tomorrow.

Do you think he'd still go if you were physically ill and in bed?

Cantbelievethisishappening · 20/06/2015 20:56

Can I ask how long you have been together?

museumum · 20/06/2015 20:58

Well I don't think Glastonbury is the issue but if he's getting days off in the week then for some of the time he should either be spending them with ds or doing the housework and shopping so that your days with ds can be spent doing fun things.
How many days off a week does he get just pleasing himself with no childcare or work to do?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 20/06/2015 21:00

I understand that, in order for DS to have a FT place available at Nursery you need to pay for FT. However if DP has 4/5 days off in a random week, id be downright insistinf that he keeps DS at home with him for three of those. He needs to be spending time with him when he can.

We pay FT for our kids care, however if my DH has a week off he keeps the kids off with him (he gets more AL than me so is off more frequently). He wants to spend time with them.