To feel angry about DP going to Glastonbury Festival?

[Albadross]

I'm pretty sure I'll get flamed for this, but it's just how I feel.

We have one DS who is 2, and I have long-term MH issues so being a mum has been a real struggle for me. We're getting married (finally) in October.

I work full time and DP works away 2 weekends a month plus a night or two a week, leaving me to do all childcare plus working full time. His hours make up half the days in a year so he gets 5 or 4 days off in a row whilst DS is at nursery, meaning he gets a lot of time to himself. I'm only off weekends and of course DS is at home and I'm doing all housework plus childcare so I don't have any time for myself. I chose to be a mother and I'm very lucky to have had DS (he was IVF) so this isn't about me being in any resentful about the childcare side of it, I signed up for that.

I've been quite unwell with a major relapse of my mental illness in the last few months, and I've felt exhausted and completely unable to cope on my own for these extended periods of time - here's where the issue is. DP has a Glastonbury ticket and so he'll be working away Tuesday and Wednesday and then leaving us until Monday night.

DP keeps saying 'Why don't you arrange to go away?' and using the fact that I don't as a stick to beat me with, but my anxiety means I want to be at home and all I want is for us to have family time. I no longer have a social life. I just can't help but wish he wasn't going to Glastonbury because it sort of represents a bigger issue to me I think. Like he's putting that above me and DS even though he knows I'm not well.

Of course I get that this is mostly my problem, I don't expect him to be home 24/7, but he also goes out in the evenings too, so it's not like he's always trapped at home.

AIBU to wish he wasn't going?

Sooper they fall both on weekdays and weekends - he only works half the days in a year so he gets a lot more time off than I do.

I think this is more to do with your m entail health than him being unreasonable
Sorry. I think you are wrong

You are projecting your resentment about being stuck at ho,e with children onto him, yet you decline the opportunity fir 'you' time as you want to stay at home

Next year, register with him and go. Festivals are brilliant

I think this has more to do with him doing virtually fuck all at home, even though he does get more time at home than the OP.
And getting off in the evening, thus removing himself from family life and not supporting the OP enough, even though she does need it.

I think your attitude of wanting him to be at home rather than do something that plenty of other people enjoy doing just because his job means he has to be away sometimes is really destructive. It's really unfair to expect other people to want things to be exactly the same way you want them and then judge them negatively when they don't.

Your DP probably would like more family time, but that doesn't mean he should forgo all of his 'me time' and never do anything for himself. Especially considering that it can be very difficult and draining to live with someone who has mental health issues.

I don't think her DP does want more "family time" considering that he takes their child to nursery on all his days off rather than spending time with them.
I think that if you work away a lot you do have to spend less leisure time away in order to have a good marriage.

Have you consider some of the MH issues are because the OP is drained from doing it all with little support or time to recharge? Self care is very important.

There are huge red flags all over this.

His work takes him away from your family life and your DS constantly, but when he's there, he still chooses free lazy time over having time with his child - by sending DS to nursery. My DH wouldn't do that.

Same with time with you. Fun time = time AWAY from you. Drinking, mates, relaxing. Leaving you to pick up the shit.

He's SO unaware of what childcare entails that he thinks a day trying to work from home with a two year old is a day off?!

He isn't a father. Just isn't one. And seems to have no desire to be one.

Don't marry him. This really is your heads up - this is how he's going to be. This marriage won't work.

I would bet a hundred pounds that were you to split, your mental health would improve.

^Truth!

I am a bit confused so apologise if I've got this wrong but

He works 3 days a week, but due to shift work they can be Mon-Fri or weekend and sometimes they are over night. But 4 days a week he is at home.

You work full time Mon-Fri full time out of the house except if his shift falls on a Friday when you work at home.

Ds goes to nursery Mon-Fri regardless of shift patterns

I think consistency rather than chopping changing nursery time is good for the child I used to send mine in except when we went on holiday, sometimes would collect early but they enjoyed nursery and preferred that than be stuck at home on chore days.

He wants to go to GB that falls on a weekend off. I see no problem with that.

The only thing that I think he is doing wrong is seeing his 4 days every week as days off of everything. On these days he should be doing washing, running the Hoover round, cooking dinner and also relaxing not just relaxing

I don't understand why you want to marry him. It doesn't seem sensible thing to do when you are having doubts about him wanting to spend time with you.

I don't think him wanting to go to Glastonbury means he prefers it to spending time with his family. I bet he thinks he can spend time with his family the rest of the year.

OP wants more family time, but wants it all to be while they're at home or, from what it sounds like, doing things that revolve around not being too far from home.

For all we know, the Dp would have been delighted if OP had wanted to go to the festival with him. It sounds like she wants it all on her terms and is justifying that because of the MH issues. If the dp keeps suggesting to the OP that she goes away for a break as well, then it's not as if he's trying to keep her stuck in the house without ever letting her have time to herself. He's encouraging her to have a bit of time away as well, it's not his fault if she doesn't want it and won't take it. That's why it's unfair of her to try and stop him from doing things, she's coming across as if she thinks that because she wants to be at home all the time then he should as well and is being unsupportive if he doesn't.

Apart from doing a bit more housework, or offering to pay towards a cleaner, I can't see that there's anything more the DP can do. Him wanting to go to a festival or spend a bit of time out of the house doesn't make him a bad partner or a bad father. Leisure time on a normal Wednesday during office hours isn't the same as leisure time at the weekend when all your friends are going to an event you enjoy.

He must be bloody good in bed for you to consider marrying him based on what you've told us

What sacrifices has he made since becoming a father? What does he offer you and bring to your life? Why the hell does he think it's appropriate to do naff all around the house when he's off 50% of days vs your 28% ish.

Glastonbury is a red herring. He is a man child whose attitude stinks

Apart from doing a bit more housework, or offering to pay towards a cleaner, I can't see that there's anything more the DP can do.

He could do a lot more housework on his days off. He could spend time with his child on his days off. Whilst I don't think one weekend off a year at Glastonbury is a big deal I think that parents who work away a lot need to spend less leisure time away if they are to have a good marriage.

My DH is away Monday to Friday. He comes in on a Friday evening, puts his washing on and does bedtime stories. Saturday I go swimming on my own for an hour, he gets DCs up and ready for their swimming lessons. Meets me there. We do any shopping bits after. He empties or loads dishwasher. Does lunch or tea. Does bedtime. Sunday we have time out as a family. He has a couple of hours in the afternoon with his band. He does bed.

We much in together all weekend. We both get time out. That's a balance.

He's BU not to pull his weight with childcare or housework especially given your mh issues. But in the kindest way I really think you need to allow him some space for things like this. He shouldn't be banned from doing social stuff just because you are anxious and it's not ok to use the imbalance in labour as a weapon to keep him at home with you.

Glastonbury isn't the issue - YWBVU to stop to him going to a festival. It's only a few days, he has plenty of other days off to spend at home. The fact that he chooses not to spend them with his family is another issue.

I think it's reasonable that DS is booked into nursery five days a week. It's not fair on a small child to have his routine changed weekly - and it would probably be a nightmare to arrange places with a nursery on that kind of ad-hoc basis. DP could take him out occasionally though, maybe to go swimming or the park or just to spend a day with him. It doesn't have to be regular though - the cost of childcare is extortionate, you don't want to pay for loads of days that you don't use.

BUT saying that, he could be doing a lot more around the house on his days off - food shopping, housework (proper housework, not vacuuming a couple of rooms) - couldn't he batch-cook some meals for you and DS to help you out when you're not around? If he's home, he should be doing all the housework - that's just fair.

I suggest you sit him down, without mentioning Glastonbury, and say that the spread of housework/childcare is not fair and that it needs to be addressed. Like PP's have said, I wouldn't be marrying someone who does practically no childcare or housework. It won't get better just because you're married. It's likely to get worse.

He was away for 4 days 2 weeks after DS as born, and since then has also been on 3 or 4 other periods away, which I've been fine with.

There's a very good reason I'm not going to GB, it's because crowds make me extremely anxious and DS runs off at any given opportunity (including into the road this morning with me chasing him). DP also thinks DS is too young to go, so that was never an option.

His shift pattern is 5 days on, 5 days off, 4 days on 4 days off, so it's a weird cycle meaning he's only home 2 weekends a month. This means I get precisely 4 days a month where I can do anything on my own, and guess what I spend those 2 days doing? Catching up with the housework and taking care of DS.

I don't think any of this means he isn't a good dad though - like a pp mentioned, DS needs stability, so nursery is good for him and he loves it there. Yes of course I do wish DP's idea of cleaning was a bit different, but that's not the main problem. I'm just not coping being on my own so much because I don't have a social life and he's always away. GB happens to fall on a weekend when he'll have been away all week too and I don't feel ashamed to be vulnerable because of my MH - it's not something I can change.

Also should point out I asked if i was AIBU to be angry, I never said I've ever banned him from doing anything - he's a grown up so I can't ban him from anything

There's nothing to be ashamed of, but your DP isn't pulling his weight, and THAT's the problem. You wouldn't have to spend all your time off doing housework if he did his fair share. It doesn't matter that he's going to Glastonbury - everyone is entitled to some time away, but what does matter is that he has 4/5 day stretches at home and doesn't help out!

Googoo yes he does has plenty of other days off - which he spends at home on his own whilst I work and DS is at nursery.

OP, the plain truth is - he is a very selfish man. He is not an equal partner to be with for life - you will ALWAYS be expected to bear the brunt of the housework and childcare and he will ALWAYS see it as his right to put his social life above your family time, your couple time and your free time just for yourself. This does not make for a happy relationship, it really does not -regardless of any MH issues. Its even more selfish given that he KNOWS you have MH issues!

DH has recently started working away 3 or 4 days a week(staying in B&B), but he appreciates that while he is working away and does not even have to think about clean bed sheets and breakfast, he has none of the morning rush with getting the DC ready for school, none of the evening rows about homework and bedtime, and none of the day to day washing, washing up, remembering to put the bins out, shopping and meal planning etc. And yes, I work PT as well - it is hard work getting through each and every week. He realises that on the days he is here he needs to be picking up the lions share of house work and child care, and finding time for family fun and time for just US as a couple too.

And this is not about whether you see it as 'banning him' from doing stuff. It is about his simple lack of consideration, lack of ever putting you and DS first. He does it because he thinks he can (as so many men do) and the wives/partners do not have the same level of freedom - having to check months in advance if they want to do something that will mean 'booking' DH to be in charge of the DC. You should not have to 'ban', he should always consider you, ask permission and be willing to compromise - and sometimes be told 'i'd rather you didn't' without seeing it as you being a nag/banning/controlling him/it's not fair etc etc.

If the main problem as you see it is that you're not coping with being on your own and that you don't have a social life, then those are things that can only be improved by you. Your DP missing out on things he should be able to do won't change how you cope when you are alone, nor will it improve your social life.

Would you like to have more friends that you could spend time with at weekends while your DP is away?

I understand that, and my point is that if he spent that time doing housework, or doing food shopping or cooking or looking after DS, you wouldn't have all this resentment and Glastonbury wouldn't even be an issue. But he has time off and spends it doing whatever he wants without a second thought to how tough it is for you to do everything when he's away.