To feel angry about DP going to Glastonbury Festival?

[Albadross]

I'm pretty sure I'll get flamed for this, but it's just how I feel.

We have one DS who is 2, and I have long-term MH issues so being a mum has been a real struggle for me. We're getting married (finally) in October.

I work full time and DP works away 2 weekends a month plus a night or two a week, leaving me to do all childcare plus working full time. His hours make up half the days in a year so he gets 5 or 4 days off in a row whilst DS is at nursery, meaning he gets a lot of time to himself. I'm only off weekends and of course DS is at home and I'm doing all housework plus childcare so I don't have any time for myself. I chose to be a mother and I'm very lucky to have had DS (he was IVF) so this isn't about me being in any resentful about the childcare side of it, I signed up for that.

I've been quite unwell with a major relapse of my mental illness in the last few months, and I've felt exhausted and completely unable to cope on my own for these extended periods of time - here's where the issue is. DP has a Glastonbury ticket and so he'll be working away Tuesday and Wednesday and then leaving us until Monday night.

DP keeps saying 'Why don't you arrange to go away?' and using the fact that I don't as a stick to beat me with, but my anxiety means I want to be at home and all I want is for us to have family time. I no longer have a social life. I just can't help but wish he wasn't going to Glastonbury because it sort of represents a bigger issue to me I think. Like he's putting that above me and DS even though he knows I'm not well.

Of course I get that this is mostly my problem, I don't expect him to be home 24/7, but he also goes out in the evenings too, so it's not like he's always trapped at home.

AIBU to wish he wasn't going?

You must be reading a different thread to me Phantom.

You should not have to 'ban', he should always consider you, ask permission and be willing to compromise - and sometimes be told 'i'd rather you didn't' without seeing it as you being a nag/banning/controlling him/it's not fair etc etc.

Ask permission? I wouldn't be asking permission from anyone to do anything, and I don't see why the DP needs permission. Just like she shouldn't need to ask his permission if she wants to go away sometimes.

Sorry I haven't read the full thread so this may have been suggested already.

Could he take ds to Glastonbury with him? It's great for kids and there's an amazing kids field ds will love, and it will give you the break you sound like you need.
As far as I am aware children don't need a ticket so it should be possible.

Lj - I said further up that we both feel DS is to young - he runs off as soon as you let go of his hand, and DP is staying in a tent with other adults who will all be drinking and taking drugs (he says he won't, but I'm not sure I believe him).

and Googooo sorry x'd post!

I think YABU to think Glasto is the problem but YANBU to be annoyed and angry with him. He doesn't seem to be pulling his weight whatsoever.

I also wonder if it is good for you to be reliant (you say you have no social life) on only him for social contact and company, when he's so unreliable with his availability. This will not be helping your mental state.

Ah I see. Well to me that seems a bigger issue, that he would want to spend time with people taking drugs, regardless of weather he says he won't partake or not.

I'm with PtolemysNeedle on this one.

OP, your OH must take responsibility for half the housework, or if he has the means to do so, pay for a cleaner. The shift patterns must be worked around so this happens, as it currently simply isn't fair. As with the childcare - this should also be equally distributed.

You should have equal 'you' time. Plan your downtime monthly or two monthly between the two of you.

YABU to be annoyed that he is doing something he enjoys in his time - it's his decision. And YABU to expect that his leisure time activities match what you would choose for leisure time activities - you really can't dictate this. YABU too for comparing what you would do with leisure time - spend time as a family, stay at home - with what he wants to do.

But Panda, it's not 'his time', it's time he would normally be at home helping out with the childcare, plus I'm working from home on a day I'm supposed to be in the office because he'll be away so not here to look after DS.

ptolemy each to their own, but i genuinely dont see how both partners can have the attitude that they can suit themselves and don't have to consult a DP over making any plans/commitments, how can they can just present it as "I am doing this on this date so there" (especially when there are DC to consider)?. What if they both independently make plans for the same evening/weekend, who gives way/compromises and cancels so the other DP can do their thing? This is what I mean by considering someone else, and expecting to compromise. It is not that DH has to run everything by me to get permission, but that it is courteous of him to check it is OK and does not affect any other plans or commitments that I or the kids already have Likewise in reverse, I always check with him. It's called not taking each other for granted, not assuming that one partner automatically has the freedom to make whatever plans they have because the other partner (almost always the woman, in threads I read on here) is the default childcare provider.

Albadross I take your point, and that's shit. I would have expected him to organise childcare for your DS if you were supposed to be working / having a day off, and if it were an equal partnership, he should have 'swapped' you some days for a one-off event like this.

The Glastonbury thing in itself is a red herring - he's happy for you to take time for you, great. But he doesn't pull his weight with housework and childcare and so you end up doing it in your time.

If you buy him WifeWork, would he read it? If he hates cleaning to the extent he doesn't do it, will he pay for someone to shoulder his part of the load? Do you think he is at all capable of being an equal partner, or does he just not realise?

Phantom yes that's exactly how I'm told of his plans - "I'm going out at such and such a time, ok?"

And to him any night is ok, because he knows I'm always home because I'm too shattered to go out. On my birthday for the past two years he's promised to give me a lie in and then been too hungover to get up and spend time with us. I don't think I'm being awfully demanding here, I'm just completely worn out and I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle. He could take DS out and leave me to do my hobby in peace, but he never does. Just because I don't want to go out, doesn't mean I shouldn't get time off at home.

That's shit albadross. I'm sorry to say it, but I think you need to call off marrying him - he already takes you for granted. Why would you want that for the rest of your life?

Have you talked all of this out with him previously? Does he get how serious it is?

Albadross he sounds worse and worse the more you post

You're worn out because he doesn't do anything! He goes to work, goes out when he feels like it, sits around on his days off and doesn't even take his own son out for some bonding time. WHY would you want to marry a man like that? Is this really how you can see your life ending up? Because I promise you he won't change once you're married.

You say you love him and he's a good dad but every post you write makes him sound selfish, self-centred and plain lazy. Sorry.

Obviously DS was a much wanted baby but it sounds like "D"P hasn't adjusted well to the responsibilities, limitations and selflessness that is needed to be a good dad. A good dad isn't about playing tickle wars once in a while or paying for a ticket to the zoo: it's about fostering a secure and happy environment for the kids and letting them see a healthy dynamic, while knowing intrinsically that their needs will be met to the best of their parents ability.

I have had major doubts, but he agreed to go to my therapy session with me, and I have a tendency to feel undeserving of love so I figure he puts up with my MH and I won't find anyone else who will... I realise how that sounds.

He got pissed off because on hie 30th he didn't get a surprise party (because I was struggling with a 11 month old) even though we had lots of people round here after i took him for a slap up breakfast. I didn't even get a present that year.

I have 2 friends that live close by and also have similar issues, so it feels like something most men seem to think is ok. When we complain we're accused of being demanding and ridiculous, until we reach breaking point, at which point they suddenly start doing everything. After a day or so of that, the box is ticked and they're back to the same old thing again.

On my birthday for the past two years he's promised to give me a lie in and then been too hungover to get up and spend time with us.

Fucking manchild.

NAMALT - not all men are like this. DH isn't.

Oh OP

Just because other people settle for second-best, doesn't mean you have to! You sound quite resigned to this being your future and it doesn't have to be that way. He's your partner, not just a boyfriend - he should WANT to come home and spend time with his fiancee and son. He should realise that when he's away, things are really tough because you work, do housework AND do all the childcare, so he should want to do whatever he can to make that easier for you.

The problem is, working away can make you quite selfish. You're used to doing everything on your own terms because you're essentially living on your own for that time - you can go to bed whenever, shower without having to worry about the safety of a little person, etc etc. It can be quite hard to re-adjust when you get home BUT just because it's hard doesn't mean your "D"P gets to spend four/five days not helping. Yes, he's off work but that doesn't mean he's off housework or childcare duties as well!

Think long and hard about marrying this man. Do you really want this kind of a life for you and your DS? It doesn't sound great.

I definitely don't want it always to be like this, but I can't see a way out - we both own where we live and I'd never be able to afford anywhere like this alone.

But as someone said up the thread, he has to put up with my MH

That really shouldn't come into it. I have MH issues too. It is hard and it is a big thing for a partner to live with, BUT your MH issues don't give him free reign to do the things he does. Please don't think that your mental disorder (I don't think you mentioned what it was) means that you have to settle for someone who treats you this way.

If you want to talk more privately or anything feel free to PM me. It feels like I'm kind of hogging this thread!

Oh it just gets worse OP. he expects a big song and dance for his birthday but does nothing for yours? What an arse.
OF COURSE he should be taking DS out so your 'me time' can be quiet time doing what you want at home (and that does not include catching up on housework!)
And those men who 'behave well' for a few days to appease the wife then go straight back to their selfish bad habits, what a waste of space they are.

No he doesn't have to put up with your MH issues. That's not what a partner does. They support you. At my worst (I have PTSD and so suffer anxiety and depression episodes) my DH has to do a lot. Never once has he then stopped doing his share once I'm 'well'. Joint responsibility for home and DC. He is very selfish. No present. No lie in. This is not how you should be living.

I honestly think his behaviour is making your MH issues worse OP. Do not think of him having to 'put up with your MN problems'. The pay off for having someone who will 'put up with you' is NOT that you should accept being treated like a slave!

oops MH not MN!!