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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry about DP going to Glastonbury Festival?

129 replies

Albadross · 20/06/2015 20:17

I'm pretty sure I'll get flamed for this, but it's just how I feel.

We have one DS who is 2, and I have long-term MH issues so being a mum has been a real struggle for me. We're getting married (finally) in October.

I work full time and DP works away 2 weekends a month plus a night or two a week, leaving me to do all childcare plus working full time. His hours make up half the days in a year so he gets 5 or 4 days off in a row whilst DS is at nursery, meaning he gets a lot of time to himself. I'm only off weekends and of course DS is at home and I'm doing all housework plus childcare so I don't have any time for myself. I chose to be a mother and I'm very lucky to have had DS (he was IVF) so this isn't about me being in any resentful about the childcare side of it, I signed up for that.

I've been quite unwell with a major relapse of my mental illness in the last few months, and I've felt exhausted and completely unable to cope on my own for these extended periods of time - here's where the issue is. DP has a Glastonbury ticket and so he'll be working away Tuesday and Wednesday and then leaving us until Monday night.

DP keeps saying 'Why don't you arrange to go away?' and using the fact that I don't as a stick to beat me with, but my anxiety means I want to be at home and all I want is for us to have family time. I no longer have a social life. I just can't help but wish he wasn't going to Glastonbury because it sort of represents a bigger issue to me I think. Like he's putting that above me and DS even though he knows I'm not well.

Of course I get that this is mostly my problem, I don't expect him to be home 24/7, but he also goes out in the evenings too, so it's not like he's always trapped at home.

AIBU to wish he wasn't going?

OP posts:
Atenco · 21/06/2015 16:42

Mmm, You don't mention what your MH condition is, but I can't see how living with this man can help it. Of course you are worth a lot more, as is your DS.

When I see how my dgd's father comes running every time he has a spare minute to be with his dd, I think your DP doesn't appreciate what he has. If he pulled his weight with the housework, you would both have more time to enjoy your son and each other. However he is not asking for advice, so you are the only one who can change what you are doing.

In Mexico we say it is better to be alone than badly accompanied.

Gabilan · 21/06/2015 16:47

"I have a tendency to feel undeserving of love so I figure he puts up with my MH and I won't find anyone else who will"

Thing I find about my MH problems is that although they can be difficult for someone on the outside of them, they do have the advantage of making me a bit more sympathetic and understanding of other people. Thus they're not something for someone to "put up" with, they are part of me and I deal with them and in some ways they make me a better person.

It's quite likely that you would find somebody else who would understand your MH and support you a lot better. And if you didn't, and were without a partner for a while, so what? Being on your own is better than putting up with a shit partner.

Rivercam · 21/06/2015 16:47

Glastonbury isn't the problem here, but your division of labour. He is living a single lifestyle,and not contributing to the household. You both have got into the habit of you doing all the housework, cooking etc and he sits around doing nothing. You need to re-set your routines so things are more equal. He needs to pull his weight more around the house.

Was his mother organized and did all the housework etc.? if so, ge hasn't learnt that men do this stuff also. That's not an excuse, but a common problem.

Original poster
Albadross · 21/06/2015 17:13

My MH is complex trauma disorder, PTSD and anorexia (so he only ever has to cook for himself and sometimes DS, who always gets fish nuggets, and yet he still moans if I dare to cook my own food and don't make enough for him).

Festivals trigger my PTSD because the last person I went to one with raped me. Not DP's fault I know, but it's a damn good reason for me not to go, especially when crowds make me anxious too.

His own DM doesn't do housework - the PILs live in a shit tip of a house (both hoarders) and she won't go out alone or travel so they've never visited us once. We always go to them, and yet DP won't even entertain the idea that maybe they need to clean the house for DS to come so he doesn't eat a piece of cat poo or touch any of the plug sockets hanging out of the walls.

OP posts:
TheCrowFromBelow · 21/06/2015 17:23

and yet he still moans if I dare to cook my own food and don't make enough for him

He sounds really unpleasant OP. I don't think Glastonbury is the main issue at all.

Iflyaway · 21/06/2015 18:26

Oh right, so this goes a lot further than just Glastonbury....

He's given up on his parents and you two as well.

He just wants to live the bachelor life and have you running around ragged. Has he ever been there for you with your MH situation? I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you.

Please don't marry this man. You only have to look at his family situation. He'll have you taking on his parents too when the time comes.

Lweji · 21/06/2015 18:28

Oh right, so this goes a lot further than just Glastonbury....

Yup, that was clear from very early on.

Lweji · 21/06/2015 18:31

But as someone said up the thread, he has to put up with my MH

I'm not too sure about that.
For one because it looks like he hardly does, and it's no excuse for lazy and shitty behaviour like his.

Atenco · 21/06/2015 18:37

So sorry you have those problems, but I cannot see why having them should make you have to accept second best.

Original poster
Albadross · 21/06/2015 18:50

GB feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. He just got home and I said I needed him to do more on his days off so I don't always have to spend my weekends cleaning.

He said that being at work isn't fun for him, so I pointed out that at least he can do whatever he likes when he's away without having to cook, clean or look after DS when he wakes in the night. I can't take my night time meds when he's away so I have night terrors a lot. It's kind of hard thinking this is second best when all I've got to compare it to is abusive relationships.

I've just been cleaning the bathroom and as I scrubbed the bath, the crack in the enamel I asked him to sort out on one of his days off weeks ago exposed a bloody hole in the enamel now.

OP posts:
Atenco · 21/06/2015 19:42

It's kind of hard thinking this is second best when all I've got to compare it to is abusive relationships

Well I personally opted for staying single OP after one abusive relationship and it is infinitely preferable to being in a lousy relationship.

However there are lots of people posting on mumsnet who've gone on to find lovely decent partners after being in abusive relationships.

MrsEvadneCake · 21/06/2015 19:45

So his response wasn't to accept it and do more. Just moan about how hard he has it? I really wouldn't be marrying him with things like this.

butterfly133 · 21/06/2015 19:45

being at work isn't fun for anyone!

when I started reading, I thought YWBU re on Glastonbury. But this has nothing to do with it. You are not living in an equal partnership, that's the problem. I have raging anxiety by the way, so I feel your pain but I actually think you need to start as much as you can, making him do his share. Does he do his own laundry and stuff? Cleaning should be split 50/50 and sorry if I missed it, but why doesn't he have your DC if he's at home and DC is at nursery? If you want DC at nursery 5 days a week for specific reasons, no criticism at all - I just wondered if it's that or your partner can't be bothered with childcare?

Gabilan · 21/06/2015 19:46

"It's kind of hard thinking this is second best when all I've got to compare it to is abusive relationships."

Well think about the way some people on here have described their relationships. E.g. MrsEvadneCake's post about how she and her DH spend their weekends. There should be respect, understanding, mutual give and take. If that's not what you're experiencing, for goodness sake don't marry him.

"Better than abusive" isn't good enough. It has to be good in its own right, otherwise frankly you might as well be on your own.

Original poster
Albadross · 21/06/2015 21:53

Butterfly - I do most of the laundry. We've never talked about DS not going to nursery on DP's days off because as pp said it would mean a huge disruption for DS. It never occurred to me that DS should stay home when DP is hone :/

OP posts:
butterfly133 · 21/06/2015 22:13

Albadross, it sounds like you do most of everything which is not right.

If you don't want to disrupt DS getting in a school pattern I understand that, but I wasn't sure at the start if you simply meant that DS was in nursery because his dad wouldn't want to look after him.

Please don't use abusive relationships as a yardstick.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 21/06/2015 22:40

Did your mum and dad have a good relationship? It sounds like you haven't got any models for what a good partnership should be.

When he said work isn't fun for him, is he implying that your job is a barrel of laughs? Or is it just men who need to have down time when they're not working.

Marynary · 21/06/2015 23:25

Why would spending a day with a parent rather than going to nursery be a "huge disruption" for a two year old?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/06/2015 01:23

We've never talked about DS not going to nursery on DP's days off because as pp said it would mean a huge disruption for DS. I'm going to assume that DS has weekends so isn't at nursery every day. Why would a 2 yo even know what day it was? My DD wouldn't question a preschool day, DM day, both parents day or a DF day because each of those happens with regularity in her life.

googoodolly · 22/06/2015 05:30

DS needs to be booked into childcare though, because OP works full-time, so when DP is away during the week, he has to go to nursery. And I don't know any nurseries that would let you book days on such a random basis as to fit in with the DP's shifts. So as OP works Mon-Fri it's easier to have permanent childcare in place, surely?

Most people can't afford to pay for childcare they're not using, and they need it most of the time when the DP is away with work, so I think slating the DP for not looking after his son while he's at nursery is a bit stupid and beside the point, tbh.

Charley50 · 22/06/2015 05:59

Op I've just rad the whole thread. His behaviour and attitude towards you and DS is really horrible and disrespectful. You need free time as well, and DS needs a dad who cherishes his mum and actually looks after him when he's around. I agree with everyone who says that unless he can listen to you and change, not to marry this manchild.
If you're on a low salary you'll be entitled to tax credits and he'll have to pay maintenance so look into whether you could pay the mortgage on your own. He isn't acting like he's on your side right now.

Charley50 · 22/06/2015 06:02

I think he should look after his son sometimes when he could be at nursery. So what if it's been paid for. It's good for kids to spend time with their parents.

Marynary · 22/06/2015 10:10

I don't think that the place has to be used just because it has been paid for. When my dd was at nursery four days a week I always kept her off if I was off on annual leave etc because I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.

Lweji · 22/06/2015 11:19

Even if the child is at nursery there is still a lot he can do at home to take the load off you.
Even if he is tired from travelling. Sure, it's tiring, but so is taking care of children alone.

morelikeguidelines · 22/06/2015 12:41

He needs to be doing housework, cleaning, school Admin stuff, family Admin while he is off during the week. It is not "his own" time.

Also if he wants to go on trips occasionally he should aim for ones that don't all on the few weekend he is off but during the week.

Can you take some of your holiday for days when no one else will be home to give you a rest?