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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel angry about DP going to Glastonbury Festival?

129 replies

Albadross · 20/06/2015 20:17

I'm pretty sure I'll get flamed for this, but it's just how I feel.

We have one DS who is 2, and I have long-term MH issues so being a mum has been a real struggle for me. We're getting married (finally) in October.

I work full time and DP works away 2 weekends a month plus a night or two a week, leaving me to do all childcare plus working full time. His hours make up half the days in a year so he gets 5 or 4 days off in a row whilst DS is at nursery, meaning he gets a lot of time to himself. I'm only off weekends and of course DS is at home and I'm doing all housework plus childcare so I don't have any time for myself. I chose to be a mother and I'm very lucky to have had DS (he was IVF) so this isn't about me being in any resentful about the childcare side of it, I signed up for that.

I've been quite unwell with a major relapse of my mental illness in the last few months, and I've felt exhausted and completely unable to cope on my own for these extended periods of time - here's where the issue is. DP has a Glastonbury ticket and so he'll be working away Tuesday and Wednesday and then leaving us until Monday night.

DP keeps saying 'Why don't you arrange to go away?' and using the fact that I don't as a stick to beat me with, but my anxiety means I want to be at home and all I want is for us to have family time. I no longer have a social life. I just can't help but wish he wasn't going to Glastonbury because it sort of represents a bigger issue to me I think. Like he's putting that above me and DS even though he knows I'm not well.

Of course I get that this is mostly my problem, I don't expect him to be home 24/7, but he also goes out in the evenings too, so it's not like he's always trapped at home.

AIBU to wish he wasn't going?

OP posts:

Original poster

Albadross · 20/06/2015 21:01

Lewji - Probably not!

He's a great dad and I do love him - I've only ever had really damaging relationships so 5 years to me is an achievement. I think perhaps my feeling of guilt because he's put up with a lot with me being ill is clouding my judgement. But I do want to marry him.

I could write lists but he'd probably just make a joke of it. The best I can hope for is that he entertains DS whilst I clean up. But he takes DS out more than I do (I go along too) and because of my MH I find it really challenging to take DS out alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Albadross · 20/06/2015 21:04

Museumum - can be 4 days...

Think - He takes DS to nursery and picks him up when I'm working because I have to make up my 37 hours a week. I also work from home for the Fridays DP is working away, and he seems to think that's a day off when actually it's something I dread.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/06/2015 21:06

YANBU. He's quite selfish, tbh.

littleflick · 20/06/2015 21:09

YABU. He's a human and humans need leisure time.

Original poster

Albadross · 20/06/2015 21:21

Littleflick - of course, and he has lots of it - when he's off for 5 days whilst DS is at nursery, and when he goes out on the evenings

OP posts:

DPotter · 20/06/2015 21:22

I'm sorry but "the best you can hope for is that he entertains DS whilst you clean up". Come on woman - time to man up ! This is not acceptable - if nothing else it's a very bad example to be giving your son. I don't want my DD to have to nag and make lists of who does what housework when she has a partner who has been raised by a father who did nothing to keep the home going. If you're both working FT both partners have to pitch in.

And Littleflick - we all need leisure time - when is Albadross getting hers ? I'm not suggesting Albadross's DP should be schivying morning noon & night - but he should be pulling his weight with the boring dross of keeping a home together.

Albadross - I'm assuming his shift pattern is predictable ? So for example next time he's off - he does the shopping and sorts out food for the days he is off. You may / probably will have to accept a different standard to what you work to - but I strongly suggest you go with that. Time to get assertive.

OTheHugeManatee · 20/06/2015 21:22

He doesn't sound much cop as a husband and partner to me.

Why are you marrying him?

Cantbelievethisishappening · 20/06/2015 21:23

Can you arrange a night out together?

Original poster

Albadross · 20/06/2015 21:27

I'm marrying him because aside from all this I love him and I want to marry him.

DPotter yes it's predictable and everytime I ask him to sort the house out. Sometimes he does and sometimes not. He's very much a superficial cleaner :/

OP posts:

Original poster

Albadross · 20/06/2015 21:30

Can'tbelieve we've been on precisely 2 nights out since DS was born - the first was 2 hours in a restaurant and the second was us plus 4 friends. We don't have any evening childcare because both families are nowhere near us.

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 20/06/2015 21:32

Has he ever cared for DS on his own for any great stretch of time?

Original poster

Albadross · 20/06/2015 21:33

He's been on his own with DS for one night when I was away for work

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 20/06/2015 21:36

Thats really quite shit considering your DS is 2, and he has days where he is off work and still chooses to send DS to nursery.

CalleighDoodle · 20/06/2015 21:37

Totally agree with the ithers. Glasto isnt the issue. He is lazy. Be very specific with what jobs need to be done each and every week.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 20/06/2015 21:37

My husband is a joke when it comes to housework. Pitiful.
Can you not hire a babysitter and start to have some time with just you and him and build on that? I know how easy to fall into that crappy day to day drudgery. I don't think GB is the issue here.... I think you are probably feeling neglected overall. The working hours don't help. How does he see the r'ship..... does he tell you he loves you?

Original poster

Albadross · 20/06/2015 22:08

Can't - yes he does

OP posts:

LikePirateEyeJavierDog · 21/06/2015 00:06

Why do you wish he wasn't going when Kanye bloody West is headlining it?

Schadenfreude ftw.

FeelingSmurfy · 21/06/2015 00:33

It is bad timing with you having a tough time at the moment but the tickets were sorted a long time ago and no way of knowing how you would be now (I have experience with MH myself and caring for someone with MH problems) I am not excusing it, just saying the timing isn't something he could control

Could you go away for a weekend, even if it is just down the road to a Travelodge, relax and do things you want to do whether that's reading in the room or going to the cinema. I think this can really help recharge your batteries, you may say you are going to have a lazy weekend at home but it never really happens, people call, meals need sorting, you think "I will just..." And you don't get an actual break, if you remove yourself from the house you sort of HAVE to take that time for yourself

ChablisLover · 21/06/2015 00:58

I've never been - friends rave about it

I personally find it better to dance around my living room watching BBC coverage

Given your mh issues I think dh is being unreasonable

Original poster

Albadross · 21/06/2015 08:05

I think there's yet another level in this - I want him to prefer spending time as a family to going away without us to get drunk in a tent.

OP posts:

MythicalKings · 21/06/2015 08:12

YANBU to feel angry but you would be very unreasonable to expect him not to go.

He has the ticket now - not cheap - and the time for discussion was before he bought it. You have years and years of family time ahead, Glastonbury is just a few days.

sooperdooper · 21/06/2015 08:15

Tickets for Glastonbury were sorted about 6 months ago so it's not Glastonbury that's the issue or the surprise here, he needs to do more on his days off so you're working together as a family.

Does he do the cooking at least on his days off? Are his days off always during the week or do they sometimes fall on a weekend?

MrsTedCrilly · 21/06/2015 09:03

I can see why you feel like this as he is away/out a lot, it sounds like he is trying to escape family life by being out in the evenings too, does he enjoy being at home? Is it a happy atmosphere? My DP works away 3 days a week and stays home the other 4 days as he just wants to be around us, and because he's here he helps with our baby. This is how it should be with a young family I think, all hands helping and working as a team. Also his lack of housework while he's at home stinks.. You're out at work so he should be ensuring you can come home and relax and spend time together. There's nothing wrong with being a sociable creature and he should be able to go out even if you don't want to go, but it sounds excessive and especially when you're not getting the same amount of downtime. He's not playing an equal part in family life.

MrsEvadneCake · 21/06/2015 09:06

I understand you love him but do you respect him and more importantly does he respect you? It doesn't sound like he does if he leaves everything to you, including care of your DS. If he would just laugh at a list and not listen and take steps to share the work load then I'd be seriously rethinking things. Also he doesn't want to spend time ads family. He's making that clear. So you have to think can you live like this forever? Because this is how it will be.

Original poster

Albadross · 21/06/2015 09:55

Mythical I realise that - unfortunately I wasn't able to predict I'd be relapsing 6 months ago

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