To not want step son's girlfriend staying 24/7

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Have awful relationship with my ss 21 who lives with us intermittently, always have had- hated me on sight (not ow) and over the years, after making a consistent effort, I have stopped trying. Has never wanted to be part of our family.

He now has a girlfriend who is spending more and more time at our house, it now feels as if she lives with us. I did not sign up to live with his girlfriend, but openly admit that if his dad (my Dh) had supported me and dealt with his behaviour appropriately, I would not be feeling so mean-spirited towards the whole situation. Having said that, if my dd had a boyfriend, I would not want to live with him either! This girl rents her own flat so it's not as if they'd have nowhere to go, but we have just bought a large comfortable house which I'm sure she prefers! I have just come home to her doing a Mastershef in my kitchen and I am feeling more resentful of her continuous presence every day, and have told dh he will have to explain to ss that she simply can't be here all the time.

Well... Am I?

The thing is that if your step son behaved normally, you probably wouldn't mind having her around because there would be less tension in the house anyway. And if he behaved normally then you could say, "Oy you two, time you went off to GF's house and let Dad and I have some privacy."

I am really angry that your husband is expecting you to put up with really bad behaviour towards you from his son. He isn't suffering, is he? Your step son isn't stupid; he knows if he was horrible to both of you then he couldn't be expected to stay. Your husband is deliberately shutting his eyes to the fact that you don't feel at home in your own home.

Imperial ABSOLUTELY. If I had a good relationship with ss then yes, it would still annoy me but not half as much. And then I would maybe be able, as you say, to say "hop it now".

Hissy, thank you so much again. In all fairness they always check before she stays over (apart from when they 'fell asleep'- and also last week when I had to get Dh to 'remind' ss to take her home at 12.30am). Re the kitchen incident, dh just sees it as them wanting to make some dinner and checking with me if i needed the kitchen. He doesn't see the big deal.

Friends in RF have told me I need to look at the bigger picture before I walk out over this. Yes dh will throw money at the problem and rent ss a flat when he is back from all his travels. Dh has a massive fault, but other than that is a kind, good person who my kids see as the dad they never had.

Yes dh will throw money at the problem and rent ss a flat when he is back from all his travels.

I think that sounds like a great solution.

The lessons he is teaching his son by doing this aren't for you to worry about. All you need is them to stop making you feel uncomfortable in your own home. As long as that stopped, I would be happy.

Can you get your DH to arrange something for when he gets back in the Autumn? Sure the SS will feel chucked out but he's earned that.

No Goldmandra, in fact when ss eventually moves out, dh wants ss to feel it was his own idea, and not to feel pushed out.

Last as summer ss had a different girlfriend. I never met her as she didn't live near us, but whilst we were on holiday, I got a call from my cleaner saying he had moved girlfriend in, she was home alone whilst he was at work, and the kitchen was a tip. Dh smiled benignly saying kids eh!). Ss denied the lot of course.

OK.

How about sitting your DH down and telling him that you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in your own home and cannot relax because you never know when SS might have left his GF to hang out on her own in your house and asking him how he intends to solve the problem?

Him saying that he doesn't mind what they do is irrelevant. What they are doing is making home life stressful and unpleasant for you and he needs to work out how he is going to make it better for you.

He may not mind sharing the kitchen and having to plan ahead when they want to use it it but you mind very much, it is your home too and he needs to start thinking about how to make life pleasanter for you.

Plonk the responsibility firmly in his lap and let him know that you will take a very strong message about his feelings for you from any hint that you should just put up with it.

I have told him all of this. We're both going to try and enjoy the peace till September, but I've had to threaten potential separation over the fact he'd rather keep ss happy then respect my feelings. He knows I'm beyond angry. The bottom line is though, he doesn't want to get divorced. Apart from this problem, we have a good life and we're looking forward to a nice future. Nothing would give ss more pleasure than if we split up. Funny thing is though, as much as he doesn't like me, one would think after all his dad does for him, he'd want him to be happy