To not want step son's girlfriend staying 24/7

[HormonalHeap]

Have awful relationship with my ss 21 who lives with us intermittently, always have had- hated me on sight (not ow) and over the years, after making a consistent effort, I have stopped trying. Has never wanted to be part of our family.

He now has a girlfriend who is spending more and more time at our house, it now feels as if she lives with us. I did not sign up to live with his girlfriend, but openly admit that if his dad (my Dh) had supported me and dealt with his behaviour appropriately, I would not be feeling so mean-spirited towards the whole situation. Having said that, if my dd had a boyfriend, I would not want to live with him either! This girl rents her own flat so it's not as if they'd have nowhere to go, but we have just bought a large comfortable house which I'm sure she prefers! I have just come home to her doing a Mastershef in my kitchen and I am feeling more resentful of her continuous presence every day, and have told dh he will have to explain to ss that she simply can't be here all the time.

Well... Am I?

If ss text u I'd say the gf is must realise they are taking the mick and is making him asked as from your description he takes everything for granted. Gf could be good as it took me to come along to point out how now dh was treating his parents - similar to your ss. He bucked his ideas up and realised how lucky he was

Could u ask ss and gf to sit down with you and dh. Asked them what they think a reasonable amount of time to stay is and you can put to them what u would think a compromise would be.

Attenco maybe- doubtful as apart from wanting to share our new home with his girlfriend, he has done nothing to make me think this. After years of this treatment from him, I find it hard not to dislike him.

Purplepoodle, I don't feel I could ever sit down with them and dh together, because to do that I would have to be 100% sure that dh would back me up were there to be a disagreement on anything- which I can't be because he wouldn't want to be seen taking me 'side'. And I just couldn't bear the thought of that.

I'm sad as this is what's ruining what in every other ways is a decent marriage.

My side, not me side!

Gf shouldnt be in house if ss goes out. Get dh to talk to re. Re the rest yanbu. Ss should be paying rent if working!

I would remove the Sky TV for a start! We has a similar situation with DS1. He has his own ensuite room with Sky, wi-fi etc etc and as we didn't charge him any rent he thought it would be a brilliant idea to move his girlfriend in. DH and I said no but she moved in by stealth. Staying a weekend here and there and then the weekends began to start on a Wednesday night and finish on a Tuesday morning.

We sat down with DS and said his girlfriend could stay if they both contributed. We divided the household bills by four (as me, DH, DS and GF had jobs) and asked DS and GF for their share. As the total came to more than they were prepared to pay, they moved out into a cheaper flat. Job done.

You needed to tackle this with the girlfriend, and tell her that she's welcome to visit your home to see ss, but cooking in your home (bet it was just for them) and staying alone in the house is not happening again, the occasional once in a blue moon stay overnight, but not without prior agreement.

Say to her that she has crossed a line with the kitchen stunt today and it won't happen again.

Cancel the sky and make ss pay his own tickets.

Patsy that is exactly what I feel they are doing- moving her in by stealth. First time they both just "fell asleep" here, then it was the odd night, now it's moving on from that. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you had no say in your own home? It feels shit and I have just had another raging argument with dh who is beginning to hate me for being 'difficult and nasty'.

Hissy when I tell dh I am happy with the once in a blue moon overnight stay, he goes mad. He feels she should be able to stay as often as she likes. The problem is I can't say anything to the girlfriend unless I have dh's support. Over dh's dead body would he cancel the sky!

No wonder ss resents me- without my presence she's be fully (non paid-up) member of the family. I think if dh and I don't have counselling our marriage is only going one way

Oh Hormonal...

My DH also has massive guilt about DSS, even though it was his ex who cheated and left. It's because his dad was rubbish and he hates to think he'll be the same. Having said that he will usually back me up. But I am worried about DSS wanting to move a girlfriend into new house.
I'm worried that your exit plan is to rent them a flat... Unless there is an exit plan for the exit plan!! Eg, a set timescale. Or it could go on forever.

I think the text sounded really fair.

Sleepless I am so pleased your dh usually backs you up as that's what causes the resentment. What would your dh say in my dh's position?
Unfortunately the timescale here will be dictated by whatever ss wants.

I think, if the pattern had already been established, my DH would try to avoid telling DSS that things needed to change. He'd possibly tackle it in his own way, in his own time. But if it was going to be too much of a confrontation he would avoid it.

As I do get on with SS i think I'd feel differently if it was a long term girlfriend who I knew and felt comfortable with, if they were contributing to bills a bit, and it was for a set timescale, like if they were saving for a deposit on a house.

But wouldn't want a series of girlfriends who I barely knew moving in. Or awkward encounters the morning after with one night stands...

Love, this is your home too. You have a right to say what you like to the girlfriend. Perhaps the reason ss doesn't respect you is because you have been utterly declawed in your own marriage

I'm so sorry the situation is like this for you, but it doesn't have to be this way. Your eh has no fear of losing you, but he will if he's not careful, as you'll lose all respect for him. He's totally buggering up this young man, ruining him as a man.

I have a similar problem. My daughter's boyfriend started off staying here a night or two a week, then a couple of consecutive nights until it escalated to 5 or 6 nights a week. They wouldn't get home until very late so weren't cooking/joining us for dinner/being part of the household and he would leave for work in the morning. He was just "there". There when I got up, there when I went to the bathroom, sometimes there sticking his head round my bedroom door to add to the conversation I was having with one of the kids late at night.

I tried dropping hints, which didn't work. In the end I got fed up and said look DD, a couple of nights a week is ok, any more is taking the piss. This is a small house and your sisters and I are beginning to feel uncomfortable with some man we hardly know mooching about. I can't even have a conversation with you about family stuff before you go to work in the mornnig because he's just there!

So she dropped it down to a couple of nights a week. That lasted about 8 days then all of a sudden he was there every night again.

I lost it. I felt undermined, disrespected and marginalised in my own home. I told her that as neither of them could respect me or my home and the family within it he wasn't staying again. I think it's fair to say that both saw their arses but it's our home. He has his own!

My situation is different to yours, there's no cooking or being left in the house when DD is out going on but am I so unreasonable?

My da did the same some years ago.
I was a single parent and he paid a nominal amount.
They frequently cooked and ate my food.
I kept quite until one day DS told ME off for eating one of their biscuits I lost the bloody plot and told em enough was enough.
She stopped staying altogether then the touchy cow!

So it's unanimous then Ledkr? You, me, Hormonal, none of us are BU? Is that a first on here?!!

Does your DH realise what a disservice he's doing his son by being such a pushover? Why on earth was he given a free room with sly and ensuite when he's working? Your DH has blinkers on and is ill equipping his son for life. Not nor DSS needs to worry, he probably isn't planning going anywhere. Why would he when he and his gf can do what they like in your place?

What did your DH say when she cooked with your food? Does she have her own key?

Your DH obviously doesn't realise what a huge problem this is. Why us he ok with them making you feel like a stranger in your own home?

Pinkyredrose my dh has a completely different mentality to me towards raising kids. He's in a position where he's worked hard, done well financially and wants to make their life easier. I'm quite sure that will take away ambition, but how he parents his kids isn't my business- unless it impacts on MY life, like this does!!

All the dcs have sky in their rooms apart from my ds who I will not allow. Dh would rather stick pins in his eyes than ask ss to pay rent. I'm not sure I could take rent from my own if they were working but I certainly respect the parenting of those who do.

Actually, because of the atmosphere I am allegedly causing because I am unhappy with the situation, I think ss WILL want his own place- with all the mod cons of course- as he wont have to live with me!!! And you're missing the point about the cooking- I didn't care whose food it was (I think they bought it anyway), it was just the last straw seeing her cooking in my bloody kitchen!

Ah I didn't realise about the food. The kitchen incident on it's own would be enough for the red mist to descend for me anyway let alone all the other stuff. So your DH is well aware that his son doesn't like you and royally takes the piss but acts as though his hands are tied. He's weak. I'm sorry but however fantastic he is in other areas, wrt his son he's a wet blanket and dss and his gf know it. OP you deserve a medal, actually several entire rows of medals and a whole trophy shop to boot. It sounds intolerable. You can't relax in your own house ffs.

Do you think it would help if you showed your DH this thread? Or is there anyone who could try to get through to him, someone outside the family with an objective view of the situation?

Yanbu step son or birth son i would hate this the odd night here and there fine but she has moved in to your house nah i would need to say something.

Is she paying rent on her flat ?

What an awkward situation. I do think it's worth considering if he is maturing/the girlfriend is having a positive influence and he could be happier in your company. If that is happening it would be churlish to reject it. That might also mean that you are not annoying him nearly so much as he is annoying you. That's separate to the living arrangements though really.

One thing you said struck me: "Can you imagine how you'd feel if you had no say in your own home?", yes this must be extremely stressful but this is what your SS must also feel about not being able to cook in the kitchen of his home (with his own food) and have his girlfriend over all the time. He is an adult, not a child. Regardless of how you all feel about each other this is about whether you want to live in a house share. It's wrong to live with other adults and to try and control their lives. I wouldn't want to live in a house share with non related adults (even if they paid rent, did cleaning etc) so would actually move out if they wouldn't. Realistically, he isn't going to move out anytime soon is he?

Pinky I am ready to go for counselling. Dh knows he's weak when it comes to his kids but he's happy that way. Petalunicorn ss is no happier in my company, still won't pass the time of day with me, it's the home comforts here that swing it, I have no doubt about that.

I hear what you say about ss feeling that he should be able to cook here. I have told him I'm fine with basic stuff, just not taking kitchen over and doing a masterchef. But I accept your point. However, I don't accept your point about him feeling his girlfriend has the right to be here all the time, because I know he would never assume ANYTHING in his mother's home- as he respects her. Why should my feelings count for less just because he says so??

When you say it's wrong to live with other adults and try to control their lives, as others pointed out, he's not paying rent. Why should my living arrangements be dictated by him? I feel that if he wants to impose her neigh on full-time, it's only fair he moves out.

At the end of the day, either dh wants to stay married to me, or he doesn't. I am spending the day with him today and will be telling him that if he doesn't respect my wishes in my own home, we will end up seeing solicitors. I am happy to meanwhile go for councelling.

Your DH will do anything to be the good guy, won't he? Trouble is, as soon as he stops giving, giving, giving then his son just stops contact with him. Time for your husband to have some self-respect and lay the law down with his son.

I couldn't live like that, OP. I couldn't live with a boy who was so disrespectful and who just took all the time. I couldn't cope without feeling at home in my home. It's like living with a great big user who doesn't even have the manners to pretend - he makes it clear he dislikes you yet he is taking advantage of you in every way possible.

Your step son knows you don't want them both there. He doesn't try to curb his girlfriend - he knows it will really piss you off. He's not stupid. He will have learned over the years what really gets to you and he's pulling out the stops.

Your husband should be helping his son become a man, not become a spoiled user man-child.

His mother is his parent so he would seek to have a child:parent relationship with her, including more respect when in her home. I expect he sees you as just another adult in his father's house so will expect the same rights to the facilities as you. As for his relationship with his father, well, he won't have any respect for him will he, the SS is the alpha male in that relationship.

I think rent is a red herring here, would it really make it alright if he was giving you say £500 a month? It sounds like you don't need the money and you'd still be just as pissed off. If anything, the SS would just act more entitled.

I agree that he should move out but you have no control over that. I think you are doing the right thing seeing solicitors as where you live is the one thing you do control in this situation.