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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want step son's girlfriend staying 24/7

156 replies

HormonalHeap · 19/06/2015 23:08

Have awful relationship with my ss 21 who lives with us intermittently, always have had- hated me on sight (not ow) and over the years, after making a consistent effort, I have stopped trying. Has never wanted to be part of our family.

He now has a girlfriend who is spending more and more time at our house, it now feels as if she lives with us. I did not sign up to live with his girlfriend, but openly admit that if his dad (my Dh) had supported me and dealt with his behaviour appropriately, I would not be feeling so mean-spirited towards the whole situation. Having said that, if my dd had a boyfriend, I would not want to live with him either! This girl rents her own flat so it's not as if they'd have nowhere to go, but we have just bought a large comfortable house which I'm sure she prefers! I have just come home to her doing a Mastershef in my kitchen and I am feeling more resentful of her continuous presence every day, and have told dh he will have to explain to ss that she simply can't be here all the time.

Well... Am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
HormonalHeap · 21/06/2015 23:04

Makes perfect sense when put like that Patsy. Sometimes when you're in a situation, so easy for lines to be blurred. Thank you.

OP posts:
creepingstealthily · 21/06/2015 23:05

I agree with you Patsy. She's not part of the family so has no place in the family home unless invited to visit a family member. If she's not invited and/or she's not visiting an in situ family member she shouldn't be there.

AgathaChristie01 · 21/06/2015 23:21

I don't think an adult child should come before one's own wife, if the parents haven't equipped them to live independently then I would consider that a massive parenting failure. It's the OPs home the dss wasn't even living with them until he was given free en suite accommodation with all mod cons. He has fuck all respect for the OP and the husband's turning a blind eye. He should be supporting his wife, not allowing his 21yr old son and his gf to walk all over her.

+1.
OP glad to see you are about to have a break from the situation. Your DH needs to wake up and realise that there is no way anyone should be allowed to treat you, his wife, like this. Before ever the gf situation arose, his son should not be allowed to carry on like this, being actively unpleasant to you, in your home.

Hate to say it, but if your DH doesn't see this, it may be time to look at saying goodbye to the marriage.

SleeplessButNotInSeattle · 21/06/2015 23:54

OP, if your SS will be away all summer that gives you a chance to reset the rules.
The bending over backwards out of guilt doesn't work either. My DH announced earlier that he'd phoned DSS. Because it's Father's Day. HE has to phone DSS because otherwise he won't even hear from him on Father's Day. He won't get a card. He won't get a present. The same on his birthday. Although DSS is generally a nice lad, he totally takes DH for granted.

SleeplessButNotInSeattle · 22/06/2015 00:08

One year DSS didn't get DH a Father's Day card, but after a phone call from his mum he asked DH to drop him at Tesco so he could buy one for his new stepdad! And DH did it! We were on the way back from a Father's Day meal and I sat there thinking surely he's going to buy DH a card at the same time... but he didn't!! And DH STILL didn't say anything although he was gutted.

That was a bit of a tangent, but my DH has bent over backwards out of guilt of being a separated dad. And that's where it's got him...

Wonder if your DH might act differently if he could see that being a pushover won't earn him any respect with his son long term.

rollonthesummer · 22/06/2015 08:29

Totally agree with the pushover aspect. It's possible that he and the girlfriend are doing it deliberately to get one up on you?!

MythicalKings · 22/06/2015 08:33

She shouldn't be there because she isn't your friend resident of the house. She visits your step son. If he isn't there she has no one to visit.

MythicalKings · 22/06/2015 08:34

*or a resident

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 22/06/2015 08:37

Sleepless your Dh sounds just like mine. Mine also wouldn't have said anything about the card for step dad. How old was your ss when he did that? What a vile thing to do.

Creepingstealthily my Dh is a welcoming person and actually WANTS girlfriend to be part of the family. When ss comes home after the summer, I have no doubt he will play Dh like a fiddle, saying like he has said before "she'll stay in my room, you won't see her", and making Dh feel bad.

Dh doesn't want dss's respect though. He just wants everything perfect for him.

OP posts:
Dawndonnaagain · 22/06/2015 08:48

Is it possible that your step son has just grown up a little and just doesn't know how to say sorry? Maybe he's realised he got it wrong and is trying to be part of the family now? Think back, were you as mature at 21 as you are now? Do you still hold the same beliefs, or have you grown up and moved on? People do change, particularly at that age.

pinkyredrose · 22/06/2015 09:16

Dawn try reading the thread? How the hell is dss 'trying to be part of the family'?

Well done on getting your DH onside OP, shame he couldn't have done it yrs ago. Now you just have to make sure he hasn't forgotten that conversation when dss comes back.

Iflyaway · 22/06/2015 09:27

Well, I'm glad you've got the summer to look forward to in peace in your own house.

You haven't mentioned how it is affecting your own children. Surely having their step-brother treating their mum so shabbily must affect them.
Does he treat them in the same way? It can't be a happy atmosphere for them in the house.

I do hope you manage to resolve this when "D"SS gets back. I don't see it happening though unless your DH develops some back-bone in relation to his own son.

Let's hope a summer working abroad will open his eyes to how good he has it at yours. And show some due respect.

SleeplessButNotInSeattle · 22/06/2015 09:40

Hormonal , my SS was 16 when he got DH to take him to Tesco for card for new stepdad! There was no malice in it, DH has never done anything that SS could resent him for. I genuinely think SS just thinks "it's only Dad, he won't mind". Dad does mind but doesn't want to upset SS by telling him.

SleeplessButNotInSeattle · 22/06/2015 09:46

Your DH isn't making everything perfect for SS, he's turning him into someone with a sense of entitlement and although that's only affecting you at the moment, it will also come back to bite SS or DH on the backside in the future.

LikePirateEyeJavierDog · 22/06/2015 09:57

"He never wanted to be part of our family "

I'm sorry, that sentence suggests some quite conceptually unreasonable thinking to me. What does "wanting to" be part of the family you are already part of even mean for a child? When was DSC presented with the revised contract to re-sign?

Your stepchild is already a part of your family and has been since before you were, perhaps they feel uncomfortable and you should leave.

HappenstanceMarmite · 22/06/2015 10:00

Actually yes, a PP made a good point about "resetting" during SS Summer break. "Hope you had a lovely summer SS. This is how the house runs now..."

DoraGora · 22/06/2015 10:09

Since you admit, OP, that the unwanted guest is really acting as a proxy for your resentment towards your husband's lack of support and backbone, OP,

I'd concentrate on the real and hidden problem, (your resentment of your husband) and deal with that, rather than kick the proverbial dog, in this case the guest. In the end, though, you can't make your husband grow a pair. (Changing people is impossible.)

Maybe you could ask the guest for the keys to her flat and announce to the assembled family that you don't like living in this holiday camp that your house has become. So, you'll be spending half of each week alone in the girlfriend's flat.

pinkyredrose · 22/06/2015 10:11

Like Wtf?

redshoeblueshoe · 22/06/2015 11:45

That's a good plan Happens.

SleeplessButNotInSeattle · 22/06/2015 12:28

It's difficult because I think part of it is down to different boundaries. Some people are happy for their children's partners to stay as much as they want, the more the merrier kind of attitude.
But others are more private and find it an intrusion of their privacy. I'm very much a homebody, my home is my sanctuary so I feel quite uncomfortable if there are others about - even if it's my own wider family I can't totally relax. Would live with SS and could totally have lived with my lovely MIL or my immediate family but anyone else I'd struggle.
OP does your DH at least try to see it from your point of view? Or does he see it as his house, his son and his rules?

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 22/06/2015 17:32

Likepirate, which part exactly of "he never wanted to be part of our family" do you not understand? Are you trying to say that our blended family is exactly the same family as when his parents were together? Surely as I am not his mother, a different family unit was formed? And surely it isn't too much of a challenge to understand that he has chosen not to be a part of our family, ie to live like an adult lodger in our home, not acknowledging me and hardly my children, never part-taking in family weddings, celebrations etc? You seem to be the one and only poster who has suggested I leave because an adult "child" is making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

Dawn if that was the case and he felt remorseful, I would completely understand and be delighted. All he has to do is talk to me, as I can hardly ask him the question. But I'm afraid he makes it clear that isn't the case.

Dora I'm loving your idea of asking for keys to her flat. They wouldn't believe their luck though, as they'd be only too delighted to swap! As for dh spoiling his children (I daren't put some outrageous example on here), I so agree but that is not my business or problem. Whatever their problems in life will be, daddy will sort it.

Sleepless I'm like you, I like my peace. Dh is outgoing and loves having people around, more the merrier. I don't think dh sees it as "his house", but certainly sees ss as "his son".. Which he is! One of my children has such a huge social life she's too busy to notice the atmosphere, but my younger ds does notice and yes it does upset him.

It does upset me that this issue means so much to dh that even for a split second, he was willing to throw in the trowel. Despite his assurances I am cynical and am absolutely dreading the fallout if he doesn't keep his promise.

OP posts:
burblish · 22/06/2015 20:32

OP, I think step parents sometimes just cannot win in some people's eyes - they should always come behind, and be subservient to the wishes of, the step child even when said step child is an adult and should therefore be treated as such. I'm sorry that your DH is so reluctant to recognise that this situation is of his own making, not yours, thanks to his own poor parenting of your SS.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 22/06/2015 20:59

Thanks burblish x funnily enough, I don't encounter that attitude in RL only on Mumsnet! Being subservient is not in my nature with mine or anyone else's kids!

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 22/06/2015 21:28

The biggest issue here for me is that the SS is a wage earning adult taking residence and taking the piss.

IF we were talking about a teenager still in FTE bringing his GF to his home then that's a very different matter.

However this is not (or ever has been) his home. It's his father and the OP's home and he is in effect a non fee paying lodger because the location suits him for work and he is happy to offset his dislike for the OP (which he does not have the courtesy to hide) against the cost of free living.

In short he wants it all ways and his father is allowing this. The GF is the icing on the cake.

I would not allow an adult who blatantly disliked and disrespected me to live in my home, for free or rent paying. The fact the father is happy with arrangement is neither good parenting or effective partnership.

If SS wants to live in the house then he needs to do so as a member of the family and behave nicely and in an integrated fashion. Otherwise, he like his GF needs to find a place of his own.

This isn't actually about an evil SM - it's about 2 adult men jointly alienating the other 3 members of the household. One because he's spineless, the other because he's allowed to get away with it.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 22/06/2015 21:50

Yellow I agree with some of what you say, but my dh in no way allianates my children. He takes an active, loving role in parenting them, always has done. He is, again, much softer on them than I am.

I'm not bothered about the rent aspect. I didn't pay my parents rent whilst I lived with them. I wasn't taking the piss, it's just that no one thought of it. It didn't do me any harm as I was able to budget fine when I left home. And as a pp pointed out, if ss paid rent his attitude wouldn't change for the better. Having said that, he is stupidly over-indulged in other ways (of which I am too embarrassed to mention here).

Ironically dh is hard in business but spineless with his children. He has spoken (gently of course) many times to ss about being polite to me, so ss will now in dh's presence say 'hello'. To be honest, even if there was no problem with ss, I still wouldn't want to have girlfriend round every day- I just like my privacy.

OP posts:
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