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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want step son's girlfriend staying 24/7

156 replies

HormonalHeap · 19/06/2015 23:08

Have awful relationship with my ss 21 who lives with us intermittently, always have had- hated me on sight (not ow) and over the years, after making a consistent effort, I have stopped trying. Has never wanted to be part of our family.

He now has a girlfriend who is spending more and more time at our house, it now feels as if she lives with us. I did not sign up to live with his girlfriend, but openly admit that if his dad (my Dh) had supported me and dealt with his behaviour appropriately, I would not be feeling so mean-spirited towards the whole situation. Having said that, if my dd had a boyfriend, I would not want to live with him either! This girl rents her own flat so it's not as if they'd have nowhere to go, but we have just bought a large comfortable house which I'm sure she prefers! I have just come home to her doing a Mastershef in my kitchen and I am feeling more resentful of her continuous presence every day, and have told dh he will have to explain to ss that she simply can't be here all the time.

Well... Am I?

OP posts:
HappenstanceMarmite · 20/06/2015 11:51

YANBU at all! Some people will take as much piss as they can get away with. Doubt it even crosses their minds that you might wish for your own space. They both need telling.

19lottie82 · 20/06/2015 12:04

You need to tell your DH that if he doesn't deal with it within a certain timeframe, you will speak to them yourself and from the sounds of it, he would prefer the former. If your SS already hates you (for no apparent reason) then you don't really have anything to lose. The longer you leave this the worse it will get.

flora717 · 20/06/2015 12:11

I take it hints about their privacy have failed?
I'd take control of the remote and give them chores if they're there that often.
I'd be clamping down on use of the food (if it's yours of course). If she's contributing food it's trickier.
Is it because Ss prefers being at yours?

Dowser · 20/06/2015 12:15

Walk around naked you and your husband....that should sort them out ;-)

A friend of mine had her grown up step son living with them and she found him unpleasant . And uncooperative , while his dad bent over backwards for him.
She slept naked and wandered to the bathroom in the middle of night only to bump into SS. She was a very comfy 60 plus lady at the time.

That was accidental, I'm sure if she'd done it on a regular basis he would ave shaped up and shipped out.

You and your DH need to reclaim your space. You've worked for it. You've earned it.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/06/2015 13:32

I woukd be firm with dh, I woukd not to,state such behaviour from two adults. Your dh shoukd be supporting you or it will cause problems in your relationship.

Spog · 20/06/2015 13:53

YANBU.
this is absolutely not on.
to be honest, they sound like a pair of users who deserve each other.
your DH's guilt (and it is guilt) over his son shouldn't be grounds for allowing this situation to continue.
you'll have to put your foot down with DH.
and DH will have to grow a spine and sort his son out.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 20/06/2015 13:54

"Wow I wouldn't accept girl/boyfriends staying all the time from my own kids let alone step children

Nasty attitude, IMHO"

Why is this a nasty attitude, s/he's saying that they wouldnt treat the DSC any differently from DS!

SleeplessButNotInSeattle · 20/06/2015 14:31

YANBU - I think my DSS will probably move in with us because it's nearer for work but do worry that he'll want gf to stay over every night too and I don't want to feel awkward in my own home. And I do get on with him. He has different boundaries to me and has invited his girlfriend to stay over at my parents' home a couple of times before I pointed out it's a bit wierd and they've never met her!

And I'd feel exactly the same about my sons having girlfriends staying all the time - I don't know why that's a nasty attitude?

My brother used to have a girlfriend staying over a lot at my parents', she could be very manipulative and controlling and it was awkward for everyone when she was in the house. I don't want that awkwardness in my own house with my kids.

SleeplessButNotInSeattle · 20/06/2015 14:35

To explain previous comment, stepson's girlfriend would have been sleeping in my parents' house on her own - that's why it was wierd!

Misslgl88 · 20/06/2015 14:44

Thank you to the two posters who could see I didn't have any particular attitude just my opinion on it and yes it meant I would treat a step child any different to my own child

TBH I very much doubt there will be any boy/girlfriends staying full stop when my DC get older, I was never allowed and feel that it does lead to the possibility of taking the pee, my view is once they pay their own bills they can have whoever they want over (I undersand others will be different with this view). But especially in this case when the GF has her own place!

I don't understand how she can actually be around so often I would feel very uncomfortable spending so much time with a partners parents if I had my own place

Misslgl88 · 20/06/2015 14:46

That should say wouldn't treat a step child any different to my own

SleeplessButNotInSeattle · 20/06/2015 14:46

Oh and a friend at work told me that her son's girlfriend of a month is already staying over most nights, he's letting her smoke in his room, she has her stuff all over the house, and her clothes are going in the laundry basket.

Friend is not happy - you do have to nip these things in the bud quickly as it's much harder later on.

Think you also have to be clear, if an adult child asks if their partner can stay over, that you are only agreeing to that occasion. Or once/twice a week, or whatever. My brother only ever asked my dad if his GF could stay over a single night - brother (or GF...) then decided it was ok for her to stay once a week, then three times a week, then most of the week... and it's difficult to go back then.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/06/2015 14:59

What sort of relationship do you have with the step son now? What about with the girlfriend?

I don't understand why they wouldn't prefer the privacy of her flat?? Unless they are enjoying free food, drink, bills, heating and Sky TV at your expense? It sounds like they are taking the piss.

Bonsoir · 20/06/2015 15:02

OP - you and your DH need to sit down with your DSS and explain that his GF may only stay overnight with your prior consent (for each individual night) and that she is not to leave her belongings in your house nor cook in your kitchen.

Misslgl88 · 20/06/2015 15:03

sleepless it's stories like that that really back up my feelings on this. The lines must surely start to become blurred, we are not friends they can come and go as they please and treat like a hotel, we are parents and surely boundaries should still be there regardless of age?

BrowersBlues · 20/06/2015 15:15

Miss I think you should say it to him and not wait for your DH to do it. This is your house and it doesn't really matter what your relationship with anyone is, it is your house and you don't need to defer to your DH.

I am not scared of confrontation (finally after about 30 years of doing what other people wanted) and I absolutely love saying what I want. I am not rude or hurtful to people I just have no problem saying no.

I think you should confront the two of them and say in friendly way that you are not happy with them both being in the house so much. They will probably flounce off after that - problem solved. He isn't very nice to you and I dare say you have tried. He is 21 years old and she has her own place. They are taking the piss out of you because you haven't stood up for yourself.

I am very aware that it is easy for me to say all the above because I am not in your situation but I think you definitely deserve to be able to say what you want in your own house.

Misslgl88 · 20/06/2015 15:19

browers thankfully it isn't Me with this problem (yet!) just simply putting my thoughts across

mrsfuzzy · 20/06/2015 15:20

losing his ds ? why where is he going ? he needs to man and get his priority right or else he might lose his wife. does he realise this? dss is going to play on dad's fears, he's not stupid, and esp. since you live in a bigger house now. there might come a time when ds doesn't want to know his dad, what will dad do then ?

BrowersBlues · 20/06/2015 15:27

Apologies for the confusion. My message was of course meant for OP. Thanks for letting me know.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 20/06/2015 16:35

Thanks all. Her mother pays for her to rent a room in a flat, as she is a student. We have just moved into a large house where ss has his own ensuite with sky tv. On the nights she isn't here, she's usually here during the day, then they go back to her flat to sleep, then back here the next day, so that's how they get round it.

My feelings are that ss's never wanted to be part of our family and made that very clear by not joining us for dinner, family occasions, basically wanting nothing to do with us, (ie me and my 2 kids), only dh. Then hey presto meets a girl, we move into a big house with all mod cons and all of a sudden not only he wants to be around but he wants to practically live here as 'a couple'. Well fuck that- sorry but I'm feeling Angry and my dh doesn't get it, he's saying that i'm making life very difficult for him.

He has gone nc with Dh in the past and dh is terrified of this happening again, as ss well knows. Today ss actually sent me a text to ask if she could stay over tonight- I replied: 'no prob of course but I'm afraid it can't be on a regular basis'. Dh was upset with me for saying that.

OP posts:
Original poster
HormonalHeap · 20/06/2015 16:51

And ps, no dh would never make him pay rent, the exit plan is that dh will probably pay rent on a flat for him and gf. I know this sounds ridiculous, but as a step parent I have no say in how dh parents his kids. I feel that at 21 and working, ss should be at least paying his own mobile bill and parking tickets! But if i say a word to dh I may as well be wearing horns. So I dont.

OP posts:
BrowersBlues · 20/06/2015 16:52

Well done, you are making progress, good woman. Don't give your DH any sympathy he is a grown man. My DS gave me hell and stopped speaking to me. He then went to live with his father and I thought the world had ended.

My mother who is in her 80's told me that on no account should I allow my teenage son to call the shots with me. She told me to stay perfectly nice and civil to him and not to change any decisions I wanted to take because I was scared of upsetting him. It worked a treat. I am in charge not him and guess what he is home and is behaving perfectly well.

Young people can be very mercenary and will throw a lot of strops to get their own way. You DH needs to stick up to his son. His approach is not healthy for either of them. Don't encourage him and stick with the path you are on. Its your house and you say what goes. You did extremely well.

mrsfuzzy · 20/06/2015 16:57

hormonal sorry but your dh sounds a regular pushover to his son and i can't see this ending well if you don't stand up to dh and find out why he let's ss get away with it, his son is not a child anymore, why the 'guilt thing'? it seems as if there is a big background story to this, were you the ow ? why has ss never got on with you and sc ?. you did the right thing saying it could not be regular though.

Atenco · 20/06/2015 17:12

OP, another point of view here. Maybe your Ss has matured and doesn't still hate you and your children just like happens with other young adults with their own parents.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 20/06/2015 17:12

Thank you BrowersBlues and mrsfuzzy, I was not the other woman, dh has nothing to feel guilty about as his ex has an affair and ended it, despite dh trying every trick in the book to keep his family together. His own dad died while he was young and he says that's why his children are so important to him, he's willing to overlook any bad behaviour to keep them close to him.

Ss has admitted to dh in the past that he doesn't have a reason to dislike me, just says that he does. I just feel that's one thing as a child, but as an adult now, dh should have supported me by saying 'if you can't be pleasant to my wife, I'm afraid you can't live here'. But dh point blank refused to say that. And I feel very bitter about that, hence my perhaps overblown frustration with the girlfriend thing, as I feel he is putting keeping ss sweet above me, his wife.

On the positive side, dh is an exceptionally kind, generous person who my 2 kids both look up to. This is really the only thing we argue about, and if it wasn't coming to an end with the ages of his kids, it would no doubt be a deal breaker.

OP posts:
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