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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want step son's girlfriend staying 24/7

156 replies

HormonalHeap · 19/06/2015 23:08

Have awful relationship with my ss 21 who lives with us intermittently, always have had- hated me on sight (not ow) and over the years, after making a consistent effort, I have stopped trying. Has never wanted to be part of our family.

He now has a girlfriend who is spending more and more time at our house, it now feels as if she lives with us. I did not sign up to live with his girlfriend, but openly admit that if his dad (my Dh) had supported me and dealt with his behaviour appropriately, I would not be feeling so mean-spirited towards the whole situation. Having said that, if my dd had a boyfriend, I would not want to live with him either! This girl rents her own flat so it's not as if they'd have nowhere to go, but we have just bought a large comfortable house which I'm sure she prefers! I have just come home to her doing a Mastershef in my kitchen and I am feeling more resentful of her continuous presence every day, and have told dh he will have to explain to ss that she simply can't be here all the time.

Well... Am I?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 23/06/2015 10:24

Well, personally, I'd want him to move somewhere else at the end of the summer. This isn't working out for you; you've had a go at it and you don't like it. You and your husband both live in the house so you should both be happy with whoever else lives there.

His son is old enough, he's hardly throwing him out on his ear. It sounds as though your husband has enough money to throw at the problem, so he could put a deposit on a flat and even pay the rent if necessary. But if I were you, I'd say this has got to come to an end now. You've done your best but you won't live with someone who dislikes you.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 23/06/2015 12:14

Agree with you ImperialBlether. But Dh is of the view that any of the children have the right to live here. My (younger) two do, so he won't tell his that they can't. But I've told him that by no stretch of anyone's imagination do I have to live with his girlfriend.

Ss will be back for 4 months after the summer before he goes on another jolly abroad, so it won't be feasible to rent somewhere for such a short time. So I guess I have the summer to leave dh in no doubt as to the rules for girlfriend in that period.

OP posts:
Hissy · 23/06/2015 14:47

they may have a right to live there, but YOU have a right to be treated with respect in YOUR OWN HOME.

If they can't bring themselves to be civil, then it's best that they don't live there as the respect thing is NON NEGOTIABLE

the break will be perfect to organise a RESET of the situation. Start as you mean to go on and all that. FOOT DOWN about the girlfriend, NO MORE than 1-2 night a week, no more than 4-6 a month and ALWAYS with the courtesy of asking. NOT to leave her alone in the house. If he doesn't like it, then he can go and stay with her.

Number3cometome · 23/06/2015 15:07

Start charging her rent - problem solved Grin

redshoeblueshoe · 23/06/2015 15:25

Have you asked DH how long he thinks his DS should be able to live rent free. From the SS's pov why on earth would he ever want to move out. I do sympathise my DH was exactly the same then my youngest DC started being dreadful, and he then could clearly see how nice it would be if they both moved out.

Goldmandra · 23/06/2015 15:45

I don't have any friends or relatives I would invite round then go out and leave them in the house. I assume the same applies to you.

I would say it's fine for him to have a visitor if he is here to play host and they are not staying over more than two nights a week. Visitor covers girlfriend unless she would like to pay rent.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 23/06/2015 16:03

Hissy, THEY have no right to live here, just ss. When I was young and dating someone, I never expected 'rights' over their parents' house! Girlfriend is not rude to me, she's polite. Doesn't mean I want to live with her though.

Yes I think twice a week Is more than enough. Problem is, that translates into staying over twice but being here other times, staying till late before they go to hers. So I'll have to think about that one.
Forget the rent- as I said upthread, dh would rather stick pins in his eyes. I'm hoping ss will want to move out to live full time with his girlfriend (and also to get away from me!)

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 23/06/2015 16:16

The gf has no right to live there i would be peed off if my dd moved her boyfriend in like that its not on imo

PerspicaciaTick · 23/06/2015 16:19

If their relationship is moving into a phase where they are spending more and more time together and are trying out what it would be like to live together...well, I think they should be planning to move in together into their own home. I wouldn't like to share my home with another couple without being asked if it was OK.

Heyho111 · 23/06/2015 16:29

I know it's inconvenient but becoming friendly with his gf could ease or start a relationship with your ss.

Goldmandra · 23/06/2015 16:40

becoming friendly with his gf could ease or start a relationship with your ss.

This is a very good point. It wouldn't change my view of how often she stays over or whether he is free to give her access to the house when he's not there. However, I would make a big effort to be friendly with her when she is there at appropriate times, inviting them both to join in with family meals and other little niceties so it's clear that you still like her and welcome her into your family home as his girlfriend.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 23/06/2015 17:10

Goldmandra, this may sound mad but I'm worried that if I keep inviting her for dinner etc, it will make it even harder to say "no actually, you can't stay an extra night tonight"..

OP posts:
Hissy · 23/06/2015 18:41

I meant "they" as in your children mostly.

Girlfriends have NO rights at all.

That said, if ANYONE takes the piss, regardless of relationship/blood whatever, it's game over too.

You do not have to, tolerate any rudeness from anyone in your own home. Ever.

Hissy · 23/06/2015 18:47

This is your home, and for too long you've been marginalised in it. Stand up and make new rule, because the old ones don't suit you.

You can say that she won't be staying late in your home either. 2 nights MAX per wee, and before 9pm on other nights. No alone time in your house, no cooking in your kitchen. She is a guest of ss, not your guest.

If ss thinks you are being rude, then frankly it pales into insignificance at the rudeness and contempt he has shown you, and if he's looking for reasons why you're not warm to those he foists on your home, perhaps if he looks at how he treats you, he'd see a correlation.

If his treatment of you is perfectly acceptable, then you behaving as he does can't possibly be wrong. Tell him to think about it....

This little prick!

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 23/06/2015 19:20

Thanks Hissy, sorry I didn't understand. I'm going to quote you word for word in your last 2 paragraphs when next discussing (arguing) with dh. They say it all really. Thank you.

I'm also going to say if she stays 2 nights, I don't want her here other nights, even without staying. Because if I say till 9.30, it'll be "Dad we're just in the middle of a dvd.."

And the cooking in the kitchen is impossible to enforce because ss will just say she's 'helping him'. The night before ss left, girlfriend actually asked me if I wanted to use the kitchen!Angry as if I was in a house share. It's a bloody nightmare and it's dh that's the problem.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 23/06/2015 20:36

Hormonal, I know you're struggling without your DH's support but I think you need to practise your assertiveness skills. It's perfectly possible to be nice to the girlfriend and tell her when she needs to leave with a smile and an "I'm sure you understand" attitude.

If she asks you if you want to use the kitchen, ask her straight back if she is asking permission to use your kitchen with a smile and a head tilt.

myexcitinglife · 23/06/2015 20:40

You can say that if she stays after 9:30pm, then it counts as a night, one of the 2 they're allowed in the week.

Goldmandra · 23/06/2015 20:50

You can say that if she stays after 9:30pm, then it counts as a night, one of the 2 they're allowed in the week.

Make it a ground rule agreed with your DH in advance so he doesn't feel able to undermine you when you tell your SS.

Balacqua · 23/06/2015 20:59

God I would flip op I really would

sykadelic · 23/06/2015 21:51

She actually asked you if you were going to use your kitchen? Geez... perhaps it's just poor word choice and it should have been "Do you mind if I use the kitchen later?" instead of checking to see if you're using it before using it herself.

DVD is almost over? No problem, you can take it with you and SS can bring it back when it's over.

She has her own home, she doesn't need to be spending it at yours. If they want to spend time together then he can go over there. They won't because your house is much more comfortable and they are able to take liberties.

Why, when they have somewhere else to go, must you be the one to feel like you should leave? How is that fair?

You definitely have a DH problem. He isn't helping his son as much as he thinks he is. He might be "helping" him out financially, but he's failing to show him how to live independently, support himself etc etc because daddy won't always be there to fix his mistakes.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 23/06/2015 21:53

Goldmandra you should have heard my assertiveness skills when I was screaming at dh the other night! The strange thing is though, I'm usually an averagely assertive person. If I had dh behind me I would have no problem saying that to her. But the fact they both know he isn't somehow takes away my confidence, and I don't think I could actually bring myself to ask her to leave.

I had a steady boyfriend at that age and used to go round to his parent's occasionally- but if I had felt I was overstaying my welcome, there's no way I would have stayed. Perhaps she's taking ss's lead and decided I'm not worthy of respect!

OP posts:
Original poster
HormonalHeap · 23/06/2015 22:02

Skyadelic I know I have a dh problem. Without dh's Disney attitude there would be no problem at all. He genuinely thinks they should both be welcome here. If I did pluck up the courage to ask her to leave one day and dh wouldn't back me up in front of them, I would be so angry and devastated that I seriously think this marriage would be history.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 23/06/2015 23:32

If I did pluck up the courage to ask her to leave one day and dh wouldn't back me up in front of them, I would be so angry and devastated that I seriously think this marriage would be history.

You need to make it clear that it is your intention to set some boundaries over this girl's access to your home and that you expect your DH to back you up if SS or the girlfriend challenge your authority.

It is reasonable to expect the SS to feel at home in his father's home but it is not reasonable for him to invite other people to make themselves at home there. If he wants to do that, he needs to get his own home.

You really do need to sit down with your DH and calmly talk through what you need from him, i.e. for him to expect your SS to respect your wishes about who he invites into your home at what times. Let him know that you will do the same for him when your DCs are old enough and that you need him to back your up even if he wants to take issue with something you've said in private later. He needs to find a balance between making his DS feel welcome in his house and allowing him to ride roughshod over you as and when he feels like it.

You also need to make the ground rules clear to the girlfriend directly, as your SS won't be doing that himself. If he is embarrassed by that, remind him cheerfully that he can take over at any time. You don't need to be unpleasant to her, just politely make her aware of the boundaries as if it hasn't crossed your mind that she had already been aware of them.

knickernicker · 23/06/2015 23:37

Can you not chuck her out yourself?

Hissy · 24/06/2015 07:52

Perhaps she's taking ss's lead and decided I'm not worthy of respect!

ahem ^

This....

And the reason Ss doesn't respect you?...

You need to make things VERY clear that you won't tolerate one more day of being treated like an idiot in your own home. You won't allow another day where your children witness you being treated like something ss, and now his gf have stepped in.

If I were you I'd actually go nuclear and say NO MORE GF STAYING OVERNIGHT at all until there's some respect shown for you and your home. Tell them if they want to Stay in your house, it's only with your consent and a decent set of manners. I'd use the kitchen incident as a catalyst, grabbing hold of it with both hands. It's a perfect example of how you are being trampled by the 3 of them and the party's over.

Remove the overnights completely and only reinstate them once they both treat you with respect.

They'll rail against it, but then you can perhaps negotiate and give way to the 2 nights and no other visits. I agree that a visit past 9 should count as one of the 2.

So flip and wig out, and then make them argue and bargain with you to gain what you are prepared to give them.

It's a tactic, but effective.

If dh doesn't like it, he can go and stay with ss in the gf house... Only fair seeing as she's used his home as a base, time to return the favour.

be unreasonable! Be intransigent! Then make them work for what they want.

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