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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want step son's girlfriend staying 24/7

156 replies

HormonalHeap · 19/06/2015 23:08

Have awful relationship with my ss 21 who lives with us intermittently, always have had- hated me on sight (not ow) and over the years, after making a consistent effort, I have stopped trying. Has never wanted to be part of our family.

He now has a girlfriend who is spending more and more time at our house, it now feels as if she lives with us. I did not sign up to live with his girlfriend, but openly admit that if his dad (my Dh) had supported me and dealt with his behaviour appropriately, I would not be feeling so mean-spirited towards the whole situation. Having said that, if my dd had a boyfriend, I would not want to live with him either! This girl rents her own flat so it's not as if they'd have nowhere to go, but we have just bought a large comfortable house which I'm sure she prefers! I have just come home to her doing a Mastershef in my kitchen and I am feeling more resentful of her continuous presence every day, and have told dh he will have to explain to ss that she simply can't be here all the time.

Well... Am I?

OP posts:

TheForger · 21/06/2015 10:30

It is easier for your husband to piss you off rather than his son as you won't (or haven't up to now) walk out but his son has and will again. I agree with Imperial he knows it annoys you and may be getting some perverse pleasure from it and showing you where your feelings are in the pecking order. I don't know what you do about it but your husband needs a shock to wake him up. The status quo has worked for him up to now so he has no incentive to change.

I don't think your living arrangements should be dictated by him. If you live in someone else's home, I know it's his childhood home but as you become an adult who could move out you should respect the great deal that you get staying at home rent free and not make life deliberately difficult for the parents. I would think this for all children not just step children. If he doesn't like it he has the option to move put.

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2015 10:34

What would your husband say if you asked them to leave you love your husband but you are being treated like shite in your own house and your husband is allowing it. Your stepson isnt a child anymore a grown man and his girlfriend have just plonked themselves in your house no asking no paying rent and certainly no respect for you.

Hissy · 21/06/2015 10:38

The rent is a complete aside, if he paid money, he'd feel more entitled to behave like an arse.

I disagree that you can't take the gf on, she has not claims to be there, and being in your home alone is not acceptable in anyway shape or form.

If you can't tackle ss then talk to her and inform her that as of now it's 1 or 2 nights a week, with permission and when he's out, she is too.

Ss won't leave! He needs to stay in the area for work! we won't go and live with her, she's in a room. Probably the house rules are no more than 2 nights there.... Think about it!

Throw a fit, you have earned it. Perhaps if you did ss might respect you more... He bloody well needs to!

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2015 10:43

Yeah ask the girlfriend their plans are they planning to move in together are they in YOUR house to save money or something just be chatty about it

Athenaviolet · 21/06/2015 10:45

If this wasn't a step parenting issue then you would be in the right as dss and dp are both being unreasonable.

But the reality is you chose to marry someone with an existing dc. They were always going to come first. Problems like this are inevitable and the reason why step parents have a much higher divorce rate.

I wouldn't even go on a second date with a man who already had dcs. It's just not worth it.

Ultimately you have to accept being lower on the pecking order to your dp than ds or give up on the marriage.

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2015 10:58

That is an unfair statement the op doesnt want to be higher on the pecking order she just wants to be comfortable in her own house parenting children doesnt mean you put them on a pedastal and indulge behavaviour

VodkaJelly · 21/06/2015 11:05

Athenaviolet it is not a step parenting issue but a husband issue. OP's DH should have nipped this in the bud years ago when SS told DH that he didnt like the OP - for no reason at all.

And if the DH likes it or not it is the OP's house too, her money is contributing to it, her money is also paying the mortgage and bills so by rights she should have an equal say who lives in her house and what happens to it. Except she doesnt, her DH has made it so that she has no say, and let the SS move in when he treats her like shit.

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2015 11:10

And what vodkajelly said

pinkyredrose · 21/06/2015 11:12

Athena I completely disagree. I don't think an adult child should come before one's own wife, if the parents haven't equipped them to live independently then I would consider that a massive parenting failure. It's the OPs home the dss wasn't even living with them until he was given free en suite accommodation with all mod cons. He has fuck all respect for the OP and the husband's turning a blind eye. He should be supporting his wife, not allowing his 21yr old son and his gf to walk all over her.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 21/06/2015 11:25

if the parents haven't equipped them to live independently then I would consider that a massive parenting failure

^ This. Well said, pinky.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 21/06/2015 11:46

"...dh should have supported me by saying 'if you can't be pleasant to my wife, I'm afraid you can't live here'. But dh point blank refused to say that. And I feel very bitter about that..."

Completely agree with you there and I'm not surprised you're feeling bitter. Your DH is not actually doing his son any favours by being a pushover, and is damaging your marriage too. You mentioned being at the stage of going for counselling, so would he go to couples counselling with you?

creepingstealthily · 21/06/2015 11:55

I wonder what your DH's opinion would be if you refused to make any further financial contributions to the little prince's castle? As of now you'll be making no more payments for Sky TV, no more contributions to the mortgage, no more gas, phone, electricity contributions and paying for no more food and you won't be doing any washing, cleaning or housekeeping either. Why should you pay for half of the running of the house when you're made to feel that it's not your home?

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 21/06/2015 12:00

I agree that the op o's being treated badly, but also agree with the pp who said how must the ss feel jot being allowed to cook his own food in his own kitchen? If op and dh parent completely differently it's hard to see a resolution.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/06/2015 12:07

OP... this sounds a horrible situation. Do you have financial investment in the house or not? It sounds very much like you're being pushed into the position of 'sleeping partner' rather than a wife whose home this is. :(

If it were me, I would tell my husband that either this is resolved properly or that I will take my share of the equity an get out. It doesn't sound like a nice marriage to me and your comfortable large house just sounds like anything but, a 'guilded cage' more like.

Agree with other posters too about the parenting. Your husband and his ex don't seem to have done much. It's vile of your ss to be so obnoxious towards you and your husband should put him straight in no uncertain terms or tell him to get out and make his own way.

Hissy · 21/06/2015 12:16

Every person has a right to be top of the pecking order at some point in their lives/relationship. Our children know that we love them, that they are the most important people in the world to us, BUT.. Sometimes OUR needs come before theirs, just as they will need to place their needs ahead of their children sometimes. If we don't put ourselves at the top and f our agenda, or even on a list of priorities, what hope do we have of others putting us as a priority from time to time.

You have to tackle this issue head on, with eh and by association with his son.

I wouldn't entertain a relationship with someone who had such a dramatically different approach to mine, I'd resent it, and everyone knows that resentment is the bullet in the head for relationships.

There is little point in solo counselling, it won't solve anything. It will just be an exercise in teaching you to eat shit basically.

creepingstealthily · 21/06/2015 13:32

I agree with PP that your stepson shouldn't have restrictions placed on what he cooks in your joint home unless of course he doesn't clear up after himself, in which case he should be treated like a child and told to wait until daddy has time to cook for him as he's incapable of acting like an adult. We have full on Masterchef going on here on a regular basis because this is my offspring's home, they're adults and competent cooks and they clear up after themselves.

The girlfriend is a different thing altogether. She shouldn't be using the kitchen as if it were her own and I'd tell her to clear her things up and get out if I found her taking over my home.

Nettletheelf · 21/06/2015 18:25

Bloody hell, Hormonal. Your husband is a wimp. Sorry. However, it may work to your advantage if you show him that you won't be treated as a doormat any more. He may realise what's at risk and start behaving like a man at last.

It sounds as if you're having a rotten time, and I'm sorry about it.

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 21/06/2015 20:16

Petalunicorn his mother is most definitely his parent, I have never wished to take her place, I have two beautiful (but not perfect) children of my own. But that does not mean he should not have respect for the person who's house he is living in.

I honk this definitely IS a step parenting issue because if it was one of my own kids I would simply say "enough already!" But I cannot to ss. To the posters who say he's doing it to annoy me, correct. He has always tried put himself in battle for Dh's loyalty- eg as a teenager, he would change his mind about an activity we had planned on holiday at the last moment, making Dh choose between us.

Dh pays the bills, I put a small amount into the house but none of this is important to me as i would rather live in a small house and have control over who is there.

I have tonight thrown a fit with dh and told him which way our marriage is going. He fought ss's corner from every conceivable angle, including saying its normal for a child's girl/boyfriend to stay round. My reply was only when both 'parents' are in agreement. He has now backed down and asked me what is acceptable to me. I have told him one, max 2 nights a week. But i have no doubt they will get round that by staying other days and going back to hers at 1am, as they have done before. I have told Dh I mean business and I think he believes me. But yes, it hurts that he'll be doing it because his arm was twisted, not because he supported me. I have also told him that HAD he supported me with ss's behaviour long ago, we would have dealt with him together, and perhaps I now would be more accepting of the situation. So I have to admit I did get some pleasure in showing him that yes, for once in ss's life, there has been a consequence.

OP posts:

HappenstanceMarmite · 21/06/2015 21:00

Well done you OP. I hope your husband enforces this.

eddielizzard · 21/06/2015 21:12

well done. i would do the same in your situation.

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 21/06/2015 21:31

Thank you both- I'm still in battle mode though and not getting excited till I see a result. Ss is going away tomorrow for entire summer working abroad, so I will have to wait to see any result. Having said that, I will sure enjoy the wait.

Thank all of you for your mostly helpful points of view, and also for not judging me as I am a step-mum. I have a close, loving relationship with my step daughter x

OP posts:

Nettletheelf · 21/06/2015 21:47

Best of luck, from one step mum to another.

Snoozybird · 21/06/2015 21:50

Well done Hormonal although I am sorry it is so tough for you, these confrontations leave a nasty taste don't they even when they're justified. I find it incredibly hard being a step parent myself and that is with a supportive DH!

Make sure you lay down some ground rules as to what happens on the 5 days the GF doesn't stay round otherwise it'll all be meaningless as you'll still be sharing your days/evenings with a stranger if she doesn't leave till 1am.

This is not your DSS's childhood home and as a 21yr old man he has no right to be there unless he can treat you civilly.

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 21/06/2015 22:49

Thank you Nettletheelf . Snoozy a supportive dh is better for your mental health. Funnily enough, when I once used the word 'stranger' with dh (I had only then met her on a few occasions) he hit the roof, saying how can she be a stranger when she's ss's girlfriend? It's almost as if he feels she's part of the family now.

Just out of curiosity, I wonder why some posters said she shouldn't be allowed here when ss isn't.. I agree but am not sure quite why

OP posts:

PatsyNoPasta · 21/06/2015 23:01

Of course she is a bloody stranger! Just because she is the girlfriend doesn't make her part of the family. She shouldn't be allowed in your home when your ss isn't there BECAUSE she isn't part of the family and has no rights to be in the family home. She is a guest and should be entertained by her host - your ss. When he leaves, he must take her with him.

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