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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at DH and not accept his apology

213 replies

Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 10:31

Tbh his apology was crap and I'm still upset hours later.

My dd who is 3 is going through a shouting, not listening, being a normal 3 yr old stage.

This morning she was on form saying no etc etc she opened the drawer that has all the arts and crafts saying she wanted to color. We were just getting ready to go to school so I say no.

She opened the drawer anyway and then my DH comes up behind her takes her hands off the drawer and shuts it, now usually I wouldnt say anything but he did it with too much force and she bounced back, bounced off his belly and then hit her face on the chest of drawers.

DH then says "well that was silly, next time don't strop and you won't get hurt". I saw the whole saga and it was because he took her arms off too hard she bounced and then bounced forward iyswim.

I was right next to her so grabbed her in for a cuddle and explained that it wasn't her fault she bounced and she had a little red mark on her face. Now considering she wears glasses full time I'm surprised she didn't have more of a mark or worse.

DH walks off and sits down and says she was stropping that's why she hit her face at this point I was upset he wasn't saying sorry to dd. he refused to say sorry to dd so I consoled her and said it was an accident and she's ok, she is ok.

Dd then comes over picks her up and says "sorry, ok" puts her down and then says "happy?". I explained I wasn't happy and I'm not happy it wAsnt dds fault and I said to not touch her with force like that again.

He went to work and we did a half hearted love you have a nice day but I'm still upset, I told my sister and she thinks iabu because dd is going through a stroppy phase and is being a madam at times, but I said that's no excuse to basically be mean to her and take his frustration on her being a 3 yr old out on her.

Sorry for the rant and essay. Wibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:16

Eaxactly patio.

sad don't forget to write these down to show I'm not parenting my made up daughter and undermining my imaginary dh.

OP posts:
Timri · 19/06/2015 21:17

So why does your OP say AIBU to not accept his apology then? Confused

It's not yours to accept.

HE SHOULD OF APOLOGISED TO DD FOR HURTING HER
He did apologise to DD, hence your OP of AIBU to not accept his apology.

Face facts OP, be honest with yourself, you are NOT upset over the apology, lack of it or sincerity of it, you are upset that your DH did it in the first place.

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:19

timri of course I'm upset he did it in the first place? Wouldn't you be?

I don't accept that his apology to dd was sincere, it wasn't. I worded the op wrong but I corrected myself plenty of times :/

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 19/06/2015 21:21

I can only aspire to a marriage where I compete with my bus an for my children's affection and teach them that he is both dangerous and worthy of zero respect.

Sadly I married a man with no belly and no interest in being taught how to behave by me.

Your husband is so lucky to have you to instruct him in fatherhood, and your children are lucky to have the opportunity to witness such edifying instruction.

sadwidow28 · 19/06/2015 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:23

sad I cannot wait for mnhq to tell you your wrong!

It's going to epic!

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 19/06/2015 21:26

Not as epic as the fail you have made throughout today. If you are real then you didn't want advice. I'll wait for the MNHQ judgement.

Yo will get no more of my time!

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:26

Plus I think my 3 yr old would beg to differ!

OP posts:
Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:26

Thank god for that sadwidow! Hop along :)

OP posts:
FeijoaSundae · 19/06/2015 21:28

What am I missing?

Why don't you think it's real, sad? Because the OP can't have been posting on MN and looking after a child at the same time...?

PatioPonderer · 19/06/2015 21:29

bathtime
^ The thought of it being

"You say sorry to you daughter"

is just fucking weird.

Like an adult needs to be taught how and when to apologise.^

I am surprised too, but unfortunately I have found i am married to a bit of an immature man, who does not have much emotional sensitivity...sounds like the op may be in the same boat. I sometimes feel I have 2 kids when they are fighting over the playdoh ffs :(

Don't mean to make it all about me! :)

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:29

Apparently so fei is was a totally pointless troll hunting post IMO

OP posts:
Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:31

patio EXACTLY. Sometimes dh does just that, he'll argue with dc about silly things like a child.

This morning was like referring two kids and getting one to apologize. Other than that he's an amazing dh and father and we're happy as Larry tbh.

OP posts:
FeijoaSundae · 19/06/2015 21:32

Surely 98%* of us are posting on MN and looking after children at the same time?! I am, right now.

*Made up statistic, but you know what I mean.

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:34

Believe it or not today I was looking after 5 children, cooking dinner for 8 people and posting on mumsnet! Whilst entertaining my sister and doing the school run.

OP posts:
Tequilashotfor1 · 19/06/2015 21:37

I think it was that he tried to blame DD rather that admit his heavy handedness that upset op

albadross I would like to think most people feel the same.

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:39

Tequila Flowers

OP posts:
PatioPonderer · 19/06/2015 21:39

bathtime of course ideally parenting would be as you describe.

Unfortunately some men are immature or have other issues that means you cannot parent on this perfect level playing field of trust and support of each others abilities and decisions. I find it almost as hard to believe marriages can be like that as I think you do in thinking they may not be. (I am not being sarky). You are the lucky one.

Timri · 19/06/2015 21:40

That's where all the confusing is coming from.
You keep focusing on the apology
(He should have apologised, why can't people see that etc)

As much as you can be upset it happened, he didn't mean for it to. It was an accident.

The real question that should be asked is do you think it's acceptable for your DH to physically remove your DD from a situation.

Let's be honest here, that's what this is about, isn't it?

You would never do that, would you?
It was telling how you phrased your OP ('normally I wouldn't say anything' or something like that)

You say you've spoken on the phone, and it's now fine, but it's clearly not.

You said you are not still angry with him, but you clearly are.

Would I be angry? Honestly?
No, I wouldn't. But that's because I could conceivably see something like this happening to me (as a PP said, when the planets align etc).

Don't get me wrong, it's not my default setting, but I'd ask DD to do something (or not do something) nicely, I'd ask her again more firmly, then I'd just pick her up and physically stop her from doing it.

But if physically stopping her from doing something isn't something YOU would do, then I can see why you would be angry.
Neither your way, nor my way, is wrong, it's just people deal with things differently.

I just think you need to be REALLY honest with yourself about the real issue here, and have a SERIOUS talk with your DH about it, otherwise this WILL cause you problems in the future. Over and over again.

Because it will show up, in you feeling that you need to 'protect' your DD.
You won't be able to help yourself

I could be wrong with that analysis, but I don't think I am

PatioPonderer · 19/06/2015 21:44

I'm glad you are generally happy Theonly and he is a great dad & dh, at the end of the day that is huge :)

crispandfruity · 19/06/2015 21:44

I don't know about the thread drift/trolls etc but with regard to the OP do not sweat the small stuff with your partner, none of us parent perfectly all the time. Just chill out.

Tequilashotfor1 · 19/06/2015 21:47

patio I think there is a difference between physically removing some one and then hurting them in the process and then blaming them for the hurt that occurred.

Any normal person would have thought ' shit, I went over board' and scooped dd up and aplogised.

He blamed her for it. And tbh that sits uncomfortablely with me.

PatioPonderer · 19/06/2015 21:47

timri the op will need to comment for herself, but I expect she will say she is perfectly happy for herself or her dh to physically remove the child. But there are ways and means and if it goes a bit pete tong in the process, causing a bump and upset, you apologise!

PatioPonderer · 19/06/2015 21:52

tequila yes I totally agree, have I been confusing in my posts? I am getting a bit het up!

Timri · 19/06/2015 21:54

Patio Possibly, it was just the 'normally I wouldn't say anything' comment that I thought was telling, combined with the feeling that even if he had scooped her up, OP would have still been upset with him, because DD was hurt.
As I said earlier I just don't think this is really about the apology, but the fact that he hurt her in the first place

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