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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at DH and not accept his apology

213 replies

Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 10:31

Tbh his apology was crap and I'm still upset hours later.

My dd who is 3 is going through a shouting, not listening, being a normal 3 yr old stage.

This morning she was on form saying no etc etc she opened the drawer that has all the arts and crafts saying she wanted to color. We were just getting ready to go to school so I say no.

She opened the drawer anyway and then my DH comes up behind her takes her hands off the drawer and shuts it, now usually I wouldnt say anything but he did it with too much force and she bounced back, bounced off his belly and then hit her face on the chest of drawers.

DH then says "well that was silly, next time don't strop and you won't get hurt". I saw the whole saga and it was because he took her arms off too hard she bounced and then bounced forward iyswim.

I was right next to her so grabbed her in for a cuddle and explained that it wasn't her fault she bounced and she had a little red mark on her face. Now considering she wears glasses full time I'm surprised she didn't have more of a mark or worse.

DH walks off and sits down and says she was stropping that's why she hit her face at this point I was upset he wasn't saying sorry to dd. he refused to say sorry to dd so I consoled her and said it was an accident and she's ok, she is ok.

Dd then comes over picks her up and says "sorry, ok" puts her down and then says "happy?". I explained I wasn't happy and I'm not happy it wAsnt dds fault and I said to not touch her with force like that again.

He went to work and we did a half hearted love you have a nice day but I'm still upset, I told my sister and she thinks iabu because dd is going through a stroppy phase and is being a madam at times, but I said that's no excuse to basically be mean to her and take his frustration on her being a 3 yr old out on her.

Sorry for the rant and essay. Wibu?

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 19/06/2015 11:39

You are drip-feeding OP.

I don't like the sound of shouting up close in a child's face, or indeed any kind of shouting at such a small child. If these are things he did often and still does (you don't say how often) I can understand your concern about him.

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 13:32

Of course it was an accident and DH would never intentionally hurt our Dc, it was the way he didn't apologize since he caused the accident.

I was taught if you hurt someone or cause an accident you apologize, he didn't and that wasn't fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 13:35

No sorry he did but only after I pointed out I wasn't fair and he caused the accident.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 19/06/2015 13:39

You may have overreacted and certainly you should not be giving out to your husband in front if your daughter like that - if you don't agree with his handling of a situation, that's a private discussion between the two of you.

He really should have a bit more self control though. Three year olds can be infuriating but acting like one won't achieve anything.

chicaguapa · 19/06/2015 13:44

To help give some perspective here, how would you feel if your DH had an accident and didn't come home today or ever? Would you wish that you had accepted his 'apology' and had parted on better terms this morning?

I know it's simplistic and there's never a reason for putting up with abusive behaviour etc. But I find that wondering how I'd feel about the situation if I found out I wasn't going to see him again helps me to get some perspective and not hold grudges against DH for twattish behaviour.

BeeRayKay · 19/06/2015 13:46

Well you sound a charmer.

If I was accused of deliberately hurting my daughter every time she had an injury that resulted from playing or discipline I'd be hung drawn and quartered.

By hurt when disciplining, it typicaly goes "No DD don't climb on the table and try to jump and hit the fan." followed by a sharp "I said no" followed by DD slipping off and hurting herself. Or I've grabbed her hand to pull her back from a hot cooker and she's banged her head on my knee.

And playing, well jesus that kid is made of bricks and its usually me hurt.

My point is, your husband was frustrated, this happens to non perfect parents. And he moved her with more force than he meant and it resulted in a tiny accident.

You need to back of him a bit.

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 13:48

chica of course I know I wouldn't like that etc, hence still the goodbye have a nice day, I've called DH and said I'm sorry he has also apologized and it will all be forgotten.

Regardless off my "poor parenting" or his "forceful" approach we still love each other and I would change him as my DH or anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 13:49

beeray rtft I didn't accuse him of doing it on purpose, I got pissy because he didn't apologize for the accident :/

OP posts:
DrinkDraculaaa · 19/06/2015 13:53

YABU, he accidentally hurt your DD and he probably felt really silly and guilty which was made worse by you undermining him.

MakeItRain · 19/06/2015 13:59

I think you need to analyse exactly what happened. Obviously he didn't mean to hurt her face, but how did he pull her away? Do you think he pulled her too hard? Did he actually hurt her when he pulled her arms off the drawer? It sounds like he might have done if it caused her to cannon into him and then fall forward. If he hadn't been directly behind her would she have fallen? Did he do it in temper? If you think so, then you do have a problem to sort out here.

fearandloathinginambridge · 19/06/2015 14:04

Is he mean to her generally? Is he heavy-handed and aggressive regularly? Are you unhappy with his parenting approach and find it diametrically opposed to your own. It sounds like it because to still be upset hours after this scenario suggests there are bigger problems, that or you are over-reacting.

morelikeguidelines · 19/06/2015 14:05

Interesting the split in view points here. Fairly even split k would say.

Tbh similar thing might happen in our house if moon in third house etc (as someone has put it).

I think h was unreasonable in first place to be careless and then to blame dd. But you were probably u to seemingly imply he did it on purpose, which I have also done myself.

lordsandladies · 19/06/2015 14:10

akes her hands off the drawer and shuts it, now usually I wouldnt say anything

What does this bit mean? Would you normally think him physically removing her from something she's been told not to do is an issue?

Did you even give him chance to say sorry? Or did you swoop on in and make him feel doubly shit for an accident thus making him defensive?

YABU

RepeatAdNauseum · 19/06/2015 14:13

But he did apologise. He might not have apologised straight away, but he was probably shocked and felt guilty. He did apologise eventually.

You can either teach people that they should apologise straight away, whether they mean it or not, or you can wait and see if they apologise on their own. You risk not getting an apology at all, or not when you want it, but you do at least know that he meant the apology.

Honestly, I think it sounds like you overreacted, but you've talked to your husband now and I'd just let bygones be bygones.

Timri · 19/06/2015 14:14

Maybe he should have apologised after, but stroppy toddlers are a nightmare, and exacerbating.
and seeing as you said no first to DD, he probably thought he was backing you up and it's backfired massively, and he's effectively been demonised over an accident.
I'd be pretty fucking annoyed with you if I were him to be honest.
You're making a rod for your own back re. Divide and conquer IMHO

Timri · 19/06/2015 14:16

lords That bit stood out and struck me as a bit odd too

Branleuse · 19/06/2015 14:18

it was an accident. You are being precious. He didnt hit her or push her. She stropped and ended up getting hurt. You are being really unreasonable

toomuchtooold · 19/06/2015 14:25

"not touch her with force like that again"

So... if she runs out into the road? You're in the supermarket and you spot her trying to take a box of eggs from the bottom of the stack? She grabs something irreplaceable in Granny's house and won't put it down? There are tons of situations where you may only be able to stop a child from hurting themselves badly or destroying someone else's property by making a lunge for them or otherwise physically restraining them in a way that risks them suffering a small hurt. They might not like it, but tough. You can't always respect the physical boundaries of a 3 year old the way you can an adult because you can't always rely on a 3 year old to behave responsibly.

I think you are making life quite hard for your DH here and putting a wedge between him and you and making quite an unhealthy little twosome between you and your daughter. He sounds like quite a forbearing guy to me, if that had been me and DH had swept in and told me off and demanded an apology, he'd have got a significantly less friendly goodbye than a halfhearted "I love you", that's for sure. It would probably have involved hand gestures.

Velociraptor · 19/06/2015 14:42

YABU. I think you need to try to accept that your DH has as much right to parent his way, as you do your way. Neither of you is right or wrong, but you both have different ways of doing things. It is not fair to try and make him do things your way, and is going to cause friction.

sprackenzyboiled · 19/06/2015 14:50

I expect most of would be devastated if, on hurting someone in a genuinely accidental way, the child was given the impression we had done it deliberately.

In fact, I can't think of any situation where being treated as if you are doing domestic violence by someone who knows it is not true, would be ok.

Topseyt · 19/06/2015 15:18

DH then says "well that was silly, next time don't strop and you won't get hurt". I saw the whole saga

Actually, I think he made a very fair comment to your DD there. It is the sort of thing I used to say to mine in similar circumstances.

I really thought from the thread title that you were going to say your DH had done something terrible. He hadn't. It was a minor accident and nothing serious. That sort of thing happens to us all.

You have admitted that you can sometimes be too soft. Your DD was pushing the boundaries and your DH was handling her firmly, as the situation required. You then undermined him by pandering to her and implying that big, naughty Daddy did this on purpose. You also said that it wasn't her fault. It partly was though because if she hadn't been stroppy and disobedient then it wouldn't have happened. He actually told her that, but you blew it out of the water.

I don't think it makes your DH abusive as some have hinted. He was probably more forceful than he intended, but show me a parent who hasn't been when a young child is pressing all of their wrong buttons. I think you should have accepted his apology, and you should also make one of your own to him, for being silly and undermining him.

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 15:39

She opened the drawer anyway and then my DH comes up behind her takes her hands off the drawer and shuts it, now usually I wouldnt say anything but he did it with too much force and she bounced back, bounced off his belly and then hit her face on the chest of drawers.

Context: now usually I wouldn't jump in and interfere with DH telling dd off BUT he took her hands off with too much force and so I interfered. Better? Get the context now?

OP posts:
PurpleSwift · 19/06/2015 15:40

Yabu and I think you owe your OH an apology

saoirse31 · 19/06/2015 15:43

Op do you feel you've undermined your dh? Do you ever physically remove your children to stop them doing something they've been told not do? I have feeling you're one of those parents whose kids can do no wrong...

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 19/06/2015 15:49

I think the point is, DH could easily have moved DD without so much force and then she wouldn't have been hurt. Why be so rough around such a small child? There's just no need for it. Gotta love AIBU though - one minute, people are up in arms about smacking/hitting/whatever you want to call it and the next, everyone thinks it's fine that a child was injured due to an adult trying (and failing) to remove her from something safely.

I think there's more to this though - the references to shouting in her face and other behaviors indicate to me that the DH makes a habit of this kind of behaviour. And obviously, if the bang on the head was genuinely an accident, then an apology should have been immediately forthcoming. It wasn't, which suggests he thinks he's in the right. Yes, DD was 'stropping' but that doesn't have to result in a physical injury.

YABU to call her 'a madam' btw.