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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at DH and not accept his apology

213 replies

Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 10:31

Tbh his apology was crap and I'm still upset hours later.

My dd who is 3 is going through a shouting, not listening, being a normal 3 yr old stage.

This morning she was on form saying no etc etc she opened the drawer that has all the arts and crafts saying she wanted to color. We were just getting ready to go to school so I say no.

She opened the drawer anyway and then my DH comes up behind her takes her hands off the drawer and shuts it, now usually I wouldnt say anything but he did it with too much force and she bounced back, bounced off his belly and then hit her face on the chest of drawers.

DH then says "well that was silly, next time don't strop and you won't get hurt". I saw the whole saga and it was because he took her arms off too hard she bounced and then bounced forward iyswim.

I was right next to her so grabbed her in for a cuddle and explained that it wasn't her fault she bounced and she had a little red mark on her face. Now considering she wears glasses full time I'm surprised she didn't have more of a mark or worse.

DH walks off and sits down and says she was stropping that's why she hit her face at this point I was upset he wasn't saying sorry to dd. he refused to say sorry to dd so I consoled her and said it was an accident and she's ok, she is ok.

Dd then comes over picks her up and says "sorry, ok" puts her down and then says "happy?". I explained I wasn't happy and I'm not happy it wAsnt dds fault and I said to not touch her with force like that again.

He went to work and we did a half hearted love you have a nice day but I'm still upset, I told my sister and she thinks iabu because dd is going through a stroppy phase and is being a madam at times, but I said that's no excuse to basically be mean to her and take his frustration on her being a 3 yr old out on her.

Sorry for the rant and essay. Wibu?

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 19/06/2015 20:33

Totally disagree about never saying 'sorry' about something that is an accident. Of course you do! If DS bumps into someone by accident and knocks them over in the playground, he knows he should say sorry. It's a very lawsuit-minded point of view to think otherwise and not a very considerate one - it's all about the person themselves (well I didn't do it deliberately so I'm not apologising even though someone's been hurt). In this instance, the DH should have apologised to his DD that she was hurt - and could then have said 'but if you hadn't gone back to the drawer, it wouldn't have happened'. I'm kind of in agreement with MakeItRain.

TheNewSchmoo · 19/06/2015 20:34

Ah, my favourite kind of AIBU

Am I being unreasonable? MN majority "yes"
NO I'M NOT!

Tequilashotfor1 · 19/06/2015 20:37

No bath . But if my Dh went over board and my three year old dd ended up getting hurt in the process of be pissed off.

Your comparisons are crap. Do you hurt your kids when you do that? Maybe your just used it it now??

BathtimeFunkster · 19/06/2015 20:38

I think demanding that your co-parent apologise to your child in front of said child about something that was an accident is pretty dreadful.

BathtimeFunkster · 19/06/2015 20:41

Your comparison was crap. That was the point.

The thing that happened to the small child couldn't have happened to an adult.

She bounced off his belly FFS!

So no, there is no equivalent situation in which peoe would bring saying LTB.

But, nice fucking try insinuating I beat my kids Grin

Tequilashotfor1 · 19/06/2015 20:42

Or rather the DH should of seen what a dick he had been and apologised himself.....

I apologise to adults and children If I did somthing by accident. An adult would expect. We would expect it if a child had done it to another. But not apologising to your own child is ok? Confused

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 20:43

**Ah, my favourite kind of AIBU

Am I being unreasonable? MN majority "yes"
NO I'M NOT!**

Thanks?

OP posts:
Tequilashotfor1 · 19/06/2015 20:44

I bounce of my dp belly - he is a big bloke! If he was forceful enough to bang me in to it till I fell forward and banged my head because he was being too heavy handed he would be out the door!

No problem Grin

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 20:44

bath your right, I should never stand up for my children when another adult is acting like a child themselves Confused he hurt her, he should of apologized! How can people not see that?

OP posts:
Timri · 19/06/2015 20:48

Nope, clearly not still angry at all...

Starlightbright1 · 19/06/2015 20:52

I have to say you treated your DH like a 3 year old demanding an apology. I do think you underminded your DH.. the think that concerns me most is DD knows it was her Dads fault.

I am also in there is a bigger problem here. The fact you can not see a trace of any fault on your part. I think you need to find a way for you both to so supportive parenting so you are both on the same page.

BathtimeFunkster · 19/06/2015 20:55

Dude, the person who was acting like a child this morning was you.

Taking sides, trying to be the favourite parent, blaming your husband for something you admit you knew was an accident, telling him how to respond to his own kid, teaching your daughter how to play you off against one another, still being all petulant and self-righteous hours later.

He made a mistake.

You, on the other hand, are justifying something you have pretended to apologise for.

FeijoaSundae · 19/06/2015 20:59

The whole thing would have blown over - and you'd probably have got his apology much more quickly - if not for the part you played in the whole debacle, OP.

Timri · 19/06/2015 21:01

Also OP, tbh I don't think many people are actually disagreeing with you that accidents in general should be apologised for.
What they are disagreeing with is that you somehow feel YOU were owed the apology (hence your OP title to not 'accept' the apology, when it isn't yours to accept), and that you pulled him up on it, and made him apologise in front of your dd (Which he then did!)
And that that is worse than not apologising immediately for an accident that was caused by a stropping three year old ignoring you, so DH obviously felt the need to step in.
You say he was acting like a child himself, I don't see how, it was an accident.
And who knows, maybe one day you'll do something accidental that hurts her
Most parents have at one point or another

Tequilashotfor1 · 19/06/2015 21:01

op what you really should have done is taken your DH face and smashed it on the corner of the draws hopefully knocking teeth out on the way.

Grin
Albadross · 19/06/2015 21:03

Well bugger me - I used to feel awful when my discipline accidentally hurt my toddler, because I assumed I should be able to discipline him (when it's not a danger to him to continue doing whatever) without using physical force that leaves a mark :/

I came over from the flaming thread to see what was going on Hmm

PatioPonderer · 19/06/2015 21:05

I know exactly the op means and am surprised she is getting such a hard time too. Seriously, if you hurt someone by accident you say sorry, be it adult or child!

If I had used too much force by accident I would have checked child was ok, said sorry, then when she had calmed down, had the discussion about what she should have done.

To me op's dh comment saying it was dd's fault was pretty immature. I sympathise op, my dh is the same and something very similar happened in our house this week.

sadwidow28 · 19/06/2015 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:09

I didn't want the apology! How many times do I need to say it?

HE SHOULD OF APOLGISED TO DD FOR HURTING HER

fuck me

OP posts:
Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:11

sad why? Just why? I can't believe you have gone through the whole thread and written that! What was the point?

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 19/06/2015 21:13

I spend far more of my life than I would like telling (small) people to apologise to their siblings.

"You say sorry to your brother!"

"No, don't mumble it. If he can't hear you it doesn't count."

"Go on. Be a big boy and tell him you're sorry for hurting him."

The thought of it being

"You say sorry to you daughter"

is just fucking weird.

Like an adult needs to be taught how and when to apologise.

And God, if DH tried to do that to me if I'd accidentally hurt one of the kids, I would be bouncing him off my belly.

FeijoaSundae · 19/06/2015 21:13

Your bread title asks if you are being unreasonable to still not have accepted his apology.

I think this is where the confusion is coming in.

LucilleBluth · 19/06/2015 21:13

sadwidow28 Grin

PatioPonderer · 19/06/2015 21:13

I disagree that the op should support the incorrect behaviour by her dh, surely that will confuse a child over what is acceptable behaviour. I.e. hurt someone, albeit by accident, don't say sorry, as it was all their fault anyway. Or: It's OK for someone to hurt you and then blame your for it. Not the right message at all.

The only behaviour that gets supported is the correct behaviour. I am not betraying my child by supporting crappy immature behaviour by her father all in the name of not 'undermining' him. ..Behave decently, and make good decisions, you get your parenting supported. Behave immaturely, you get yourself called out on it.

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 21:14

bath sounds like a fab marriage Hmm

OP posts:
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